A Zed & Two Noughts
1985
Alba Bewick: In the land of the legless the one-legged woman is queen.
Alba Bewick: Imagine that, the body - in all its delicious detail - fading away leaving a skeleton with iron legs.
Oswald Deuce: How fast does a woman decompose? Oliver Deuce: Six months, maybe a year? Depends on the conditions. Oswald Deuce: Does being pregnant make any difference? Oliver Deuce: No. Oswald Deuce: And the baby? Oliver Deuce: How far gone was she? Oswald Deuce: Perhaps ten weeks. Oliver Deuce: Then you'd never know. Oswald Deuce: (long pause) I cannot stand the idea of her rotting away. (short pause) What is the first thing that happens? Oliver Deuce: The first thing that happens is bacteria set to work in the intestine. Oswald Deuce: What sort of bacteria? Oliver Deuce: (matter-of-factly) Bicosis populi. There are supposed to be 130,000 bicoses in each lick of a human tongue; 250,000 in a french kiss. First exchanged at the very beginning of creation when Adam kissed Eve. Oswald Deuce: Suppose Eve kissed Adam. Oliver Deuce: Unlikely. She used her first 100,000 on the apple.
Oliver Deuce: Pregnant women are notoriously unreliable. Especially when they're trying to procure an abortion.