Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory
Sam Beauregarde: Don't talk to me about contracts, Wonka, I use them myself. They're strictly for suckers.
Willy Wonka: Don't you know what this is? Violet Beauregarde: By gum, it's gum. Willy Wonka: Wrong. It's the most fabulous sensational gum in the whole world. Violet Beauregarde: What's so fab about it? Willy Wonka: This little piece of gum is a three course dinner. Mr Salt: Bull. Willy Wonka: No, roast beef. But I haven't got it quite right yet.
Violet Beauregarde: Well they can't be real people. Willy Wonka: Well of course they're real people. Mr Salt: Stuff and nonsense. Willy Wonka: No, Oompa Loompas. The Group: Oompa Loompas? Willy Wonka: From Loompaland. Mrs Teevee: Loompaland? There's no such place. Willy Wonka: Excuse me, dear lady... Mrs Teevee: Mr Wonka, I am a teacher of geography. Willy Wonka: Oh, well then you know all about it and what a terrible country it is. Nothing but desolate wastes and fierce beasts. And the poor little Oompa Loompas were so small and helpless, they would get gobbled up right and left. A Wangdoodle would eat ten of them for breakfast and think nothing of it. And so, I said, "Come and live with me in peace and safety, away from all the Wangdoodles and Hornswogglers and Snozzwangers and rotten Vermicious Knids." Mr Salt: Snozzwangers? Vermicious Knids? What kind of rubbish is that? Willy Wonka: I'm sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing. And so, in the greatest of secrecy I transported the entire population of Oompa Loompas to my factory here. Veruca Salt: Hey, Daddy, I want an Oompa Loompa. I want you to get me an Oompa Loompa right away. Mr Salt: All right, Veruca, all right. I'll get you one before the day is out. Veruca Salt: I want an Oompa Loompa now! Violet Beauregarde: Can it, you nit!
Willy Wonka: Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple. Mrs Teevee: That's 105 percent.
Willy Wonka: It happens every time, they all become blueberries.
Willy Wonka: Little surprises around every corner, but nothing dangerous.
Mr Turkentine: I've just decided to switch our Friday schedule to Monday, which means that the test we take each Friday on what we learned during the week will now take place on Monday before we've learned it. But since today is Tuesday, it doesn't matter in the slightest.
(Willy Wonka walks down the hall which gets shorter as it goes on in the skewed perspective room) Charlie Bucket: Hey, the room is getting smaller! Mrs Teevee: No, it's not; he's getting bigger. Mr Salt: He's at it again. Mike Teevee: Where's the chocolate? Sam Beauregarde: I doubt if there is any. Mr Salt: I doubt if any of us will get out of here alive. Willy Wonka: Oh, you should never, never doubt what nobody is sure about. Mrs Gloop: You're not squeezing me through that tiny door.
Mr Turkentine: Of course you don't know. You don't know because only I know. If you knew and I didn't know, then you'd be teaching me instead of me teaching you - and for a student to be teaching his teacher is presumptuous and rude. Do I make myself clear?
Willy Wonka: (singing) There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination. Living there, you'll be free if you truly wish to be.
Willy Wonka: (singing) If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it.
Mr Salt: Is this some sort of funhouse, Wonka? Willy Wonka: No! Why? Are you having fun?
Sam Beauregarde: I'm going to get you for this, Wonka. I have a blueberry for a daughter.
(Noticing signs on vats) Mr Salt: Wonka. Butterscotch? Buttergin? You running something on the side here? Willy Wonka: Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
Violet Beauregarde: What is this, a freak out?
Willy Wonka: Where is fancy bred, in the heart or in the head?
Sam Beauregarde: What is this Wonka, some kind of funhouse? Willy Wonka: Why? Are you having fun?
Willy Wonka: The strawberries taste like strawberries. The snozzberries taste like snozzberries. Veruca Salt: Snozzberries? Who ever heard of a snozzberry? Willy Wonka: *We* are the music makers... and *we* are the dreamers of dreams.
Willy Wonka: So shines a good deed in a weary world.
Veruca Salt: (singing) I want the world. I want the whole world. I want to lock it all up in my pocket. It's my bar of chocolate. Give it to me now.
Augustus Gloop: I feel very sorry for Wonka. It's gonna cost him a fortune in fudge.
Willy Wonka: A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.
Sam Beauregarde: Violet, you're turning violet, Violet.
Tinker: Up the airy mountain, down the rushing glen, we dare not go a hunting, for fear of little men. You see, nobody ever goes in and nobody ever comes out.
Willy Wonka: No other factory in the world mixes its chocolate by waterfall. But it's the only way if you want it just... right.
Willy Wonka: The suspense is terrible... I hope it lasts.
Willy Wonka: There's no earthly way of knowing / Which direction we are going / There's no knowing where we're rowing / Or which way the river's flowing / Is it raining? / Is it snowing? / Is a hurricane a-blowing? / Not a speck of light is showing / So the danger must be growing / Are the fires of hell a-glowing? / Is the grisly reaper mowing? / Yes, the danger must be growing / 'Cause the rowers keep on rowing / And they're certainly not showing / Any signs that they are slowing.
Willy Wonka: Bubbles, bubbles everywhere, and not a drop to drink... yet.
Willy Wonka: If the good Lord had intended us to walk he wouldn't have invented roller-skates.
Willy Wonka: Everything inside is eatable, I mean edible, I mean you can eat everything.
Charlie Bucket: What was that we just went through? Willy Wonka: Hsawaknow. Mrs Teevee: Is that Japanese? Willy Wonka: No, that's Wonkawash spelled backwards.
Willy Wonka: So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it.
Veruca Salt: I want it now, daddy.
(Willy Wonka and the group are still on the boat and are at the hallway outside the inventing room) Willy Wonka: We're there. Mrs Teevee: Where? Willy Wonka: Here. A small step for mankind, but a giant step for us. All ashore! Mr Beauregarde: Let me off this crate! Mike Teevee: Now why don't they show stuff like that on T.V.? Mrs Teevee: I don't know. Mr Salt: What a nightmare. Veruca Salt: Daddy, I do not want a boat like this. (Charlie Bucket and Grandpa Joe read a sign) Charlie Bucket: Dairy cream... Grandpa Joe: Whipped cream... Charlie Bucket: Coffee cream... Grandpa Joe: Vanilla cream... Charlie Bucket and Grandpa Joe: Hair cream? Willy Wonka: Meine Herrschaften, schenken Sie mir ihre aufmerksamkeit (My friends masters) , please give me your attention . Mrs Teevee: That's not French. Willy Wonka: Sie kommen jetzt in den interessantesten und gleichzeitig geheimsten raum meiner fabrik. (You have now come to the most interesting and, at the same time, the most secret room of my factory) Mr Salt: I can't take much more of this. Willy Wonka: Meine Damen und Herren, der Inventing Room (Ladies and Gentlemen, The Inventing Room) . Now remember, no messing about. No touching, no tasting, no telling. Grandpa Joe: No telling what? Willy Wonka: You see, all of my most secret inventions are cooking and simmering in here. Old Slugworth would give his false teeth to get inside for just five minutes, so don't touch a thing!
Veruca Salt: I wanted to be the first to find a Golden Ticket, Daddy. Mr Salt: I know, angel. We're doing the best we can. I've got every girl in the place to start hunting for you. Veruca Salt: All right. Where is it? Why haven't they found it? Mr Salt: Veruca, sweetheart. I'm not a magician. Give me time. Veruca Salt: I want it now. What's the matter with those twerps down there? Mr Salt: For five days now, the entire flipping factory's been on the job. They haven't shelled a peanut in there since Monday. They've been shelling flavored chocolate bars from dawn till dusk. Veruca Salt: Make them work nights.
Veruca Salt: They don't want to find it. They're jealous of me. Mr Salt: Sweetheart, I can't push them no harder; 19,000 bars an hour they're shelling; 760,000 they've done so far. Veruca Salt: You promised, Daddy. You promised I'd have it the very first day. Mrs Salt: You're going to be very unpopular around here, Henry, if you don't deliver soon. Mr Salt: It breaks my heart, Henrietta. I hate to see her unhappy. Veruca Salt: You're a rotten, mean father. You never give me anything I want. And I won't go to school until I have it. Mr Salt: Veruca, sweetheart, angel. Now, there are four tickets left in the whole world, and the whole ruddy world's hunting for them. What can I do?
Mrs Gloop: My son. He'll be made into marshmallows in five seconds. Willy Wonka: Impossible, my dear lady. That's absurd. Unthinkable. Mrs Gloop: Why? Willy Wonka: Because that pipe doesn't go to the marshmallow rooom. It goes to the fudge room. Mrs Gloop: You terrible man.
Willy Wonka: Well, fortunately, small boys are extremely springy and elastic. So I think we'll put him in my special taffy-pulling machine. That should do the trick. (to an Oompa Loompa) To the taffy-pulling room. You'll find the boy in his mother's purse. But be extremely careful. Mrs Teevee: To the taffy-pulling room? (Oompa Loompa whispers to Wonka) Willy Wonka: No, no. I won't hold you responsible.
Grandpa Joe: Mr Wonka? Willy Wonka: I am extraordinarily busy, sir. Grandpa Joe: I was just wondering about the chocolate - Uh, the lifetime supply of chocolate... for Charlie. When does he get it? Willy Wonka: He doesn't. Grandpa Joe: Why not? Willy Wonka: Because he broke the rules. Grandpa Joe: What rules? We didn't see any rules. Did we, Charlie? Willy Wonka: Wrong, sir! Wrong! Under section 37B of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void if - and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy - "I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained," et cetera, et cetera... "Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum," et cetera, et cetera... "Memo bis punitor delicatum!" It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal! You stole fizzy lifting drinks. You bumped into the ceiling which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get nothing! You lose! Good day sir! Grandpa Joe: You're a crook. You're a cheat and a swindler! How could you do a thing like this, raise up a little boy's hopes and then dash all his dreams to pieces? You're an inhuman monster! Willy Wonka: I said "Good day!"
Computer Operator: (angry) I am now telling the computer *exactly* what it can do with a life time supply of chocolate.
(last lines) Willy Wonka: But Charlie, don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he he always wanted. Charlie Bucket: What happened? Willy Wonka: He lived happily ever after.
Willy Wonka: (referring to soda-powered wonkamobile) A thing of beauty is a joy forever.
Mr Salt: Quite a nice little canoe you got there, Wonka. Willy Wonka: All I ask is for a tall ship and a star to sail her by. All aboard everybody. Mr Salt: Ladies first and that means Veruca. Grandpa Joe: If she's a lady, then I'm a Vernicious Knid.
Mr Salt: Wonka, how much do you want for the golden goose? Willy Wonka: They're not for sale. Mr Salt: Name your price. Willy Wonka: She can't have one. Veruca Salt: Who says I can't? Mr Salt: The man with the funny hat.
Charlie Bucket: Mr Wonka, they won't really be burned in the furnace, will they? Willy Wonka: Well, I think that furnace is only lit every other day, so they have a good sporting chance, haven't they?
Willy Wonka: (singing) In springtime, the only pretty ring time, birds sing hey ding, a-ding, a-ding. Sweet lovers love the spring.
Violet Beauregarde: (while sticking her finger up her nose & digging) . Spitting's a nasty habit. Willy Wonka: (Glaring at her) I know a worse one.
Stanley Kael, Second Newscaster: Four down, one to go and somewhere out there a lucky person is moving closer and closer to the most sought after prize in history. Though we cannot help but envy whoever he is, and we may feel bitter but we must remember there are more important things, many more important things. Though offhand I cannot think of what they are but I'm sure there must be something.
FBI Agent: Mrs Curtis, did you hear me? It's your husband's life or your case of Wonka Bars. Mrs Cruthers: How long will they give me to think it over?
Willy Wonka: Now over here I have something rather special to show you. Mr Salt: It's special all right, I only hope my Veruca doesn't want one.
Willy Wonka: Well... Two naughty, nasty little children gone... Three good, sweet little children left.
Sam Beauregarde: Come on, Violet. We're getting out of here. Willy Wonka: Oh, you can't get out backwards. You've got to go forwards to go back, better press on.
(Talking about the Everlasting Gobstopper) Willy Wonka: Everybody has had one and one is enough for anybody.
Willy Wonka: Everyone has had one! And one is more than enough for anybody!
Willy Wonka: The Egg-dicator can tell the difference between a good egg and a bad egg. If it's a good egg, then it's fresh and ready for packaging. But if it's a bad egg, then down the chute. Grandpa Joe: It's an educated Egg-dicator.
Mr Turkentine: Charlie Bucket? How many Wonka bars did you open? Charlie Bucket: Two. Mr Turkentine: That's easy. 200 would make about 20% of the... Charlie Bucket: Not 200. Just two. Mr Turkentine: Two? What do you mean you only opened two? Charlie Bucket: I don't care that much for chocolate. Mr Turkentine: Well, I can't figure out just two! So let's pretend you opened 200! Alright, if you opened 200 Wonka bars, aside from being dreadfully sick, you would have checked 20% of the 1000 Wonka bars in the world.
Mike Teevee: But Easter's over! Willy Wonka: Shhh! They don't know that. That's why I'm getting them to work early this year.
Willy Wonka: I don't understand this. The children are dissappearing like rabbits. Well, at least we still have each other. Let's move along.
Willy Wonka: (after Verucca falls down the chute) She was a bad egg.
Mr Salt: Wonka, where is she going? Willy Wonka: Where all the other bad eggs go. Down the garbage chute. Mr Salt: (laughs) Oh, the garbage chute. Willy Wonka: And the chute leads to the furnace. Mr Salt: (laughs) Oh, the furnace! That means she'll be turned into a sausage. Willy Wonka: Not necessarily. She could get stuck in the pipe. Mr Salt: (lauhgs) In the pipe... (he suddenly jumps into shock and runs) Mr Salt: Verucca! Hold on! Sweetheart! Daddy's coming! (jumps down the chute) Willy Wonka: There's going to be a lot of garbage today.
Willy Wonka: Who's going to watch over my factory and take care of the Oompa Loompas for me after I pass on? Not a grown-up. A grown-up would want to do things his own way. That's why I wanted a child. A kind and caring small boy. Charlie Bucket: And that's why you sent out the golden tickets. Willy Wonka: That's right. So the factory is all yours, Charlie. You and Grandpa Joe can move in. Charlie Bucket: Really? But what about... Willy Wonka: The entire family. (they hug)
(Mr Wonka puts a pair of sneakers into a vat) Mr Salt: What's that for? Willy Wonka: Gives it a little kick.
Grandpa Joe: Good morning. Look at the sun.
Mike Teevee: Where are you taking me? I don't wanna go in there. Hey, let me out, it's dark in here. Come on, Mom, I want to be on TV. Let me out, Mom, or I'll gnaw my way out. I'm warning you, Mom, there's a nail file in here. If you don't let me out, I'll smear your lipstick all over everything.
(Willy Wonka greets Charlie and Grandpa Joe at the gates of the WONKA factory) Willy Wonka: And who is this gentleman? Charlie Bucket: My grandfather, Grandpa Joe. Willy Wonka: (shaking Grandpa Joe's hand) Delighted to meet you, sir. Overjoyed, enraptured, entranced. Are we ready? Yes, good. In we go.
Mrs Gloop: (Augustus is drowning) Help. He can't swim. Willy Wonka: There's no better time to learn.
Charlie Bucket: He'll never get out. Grandpa Joe: Yes, he will, Charlie. Watch. Remember when you once asked me how a bullet comes out of a gun?
Mr Turkentine: You, Winkelmann, come here. Do you know what's happening? Winkelmann: Mr Wonka's opening his factory. He's going to let people in. Mr Turkentine: Are you sure? Winkelmann: It's on the radio. He's giving truckloads of chocolate away. Mr Turkentine: Class dismissed. (Mr Turkentine starts to put on his coat) . Winkelmann: No, no. It's only for five people. Mr Turkentine: Class undismissed. (Mr Turkentine starts to take off his coat) . Winkelmann: He sent out five Golden Tickets, and the people who find them will win the big prize. Mr Turkentine: Where's he hidden the tickets? Winkelmann: Inside five Wonka bars. You've got to buy Wonka bars to find them. Mr Turkentine: Class re-dismissed.
Mrs Gloop: Don't just stand there, do something! Willy Wonka: (unenthusiastically) Help. Police. Murder.
Sam Beauregarde: I'M GETTING EVEN WITH YOU FOR THIS, WONKA, IF IT'S THE LAST THING I EVER DO! (sulkily) Sam Beauregarde: I've got a blueberry for a daughter.
Augustus Gloop: Let me in. I'm starving. Willy Wonka: Now, don't get excited. Don't lose your head, Augustus. We wouldn't want anybody to lose that.
Reporter: So, ya like the killings, huh? Mike Teevee: What do you think life's all about?
Mike Teevee: Boy, what a great show. Mrs Teevee: I serve all his TV dinners right here. He's never even been to the table.
Mike Teevee: Wait 'til I get a real one. Colt 45. Pop won't let me have one yet, will ya, pop? Mr Teevee: Not 'til you're 12, son.
Charlie Bucket: (to Grandpa Joe) You know... I'll bet those golden tickets make the chocolate taste terrible.
Sam Beauregarde: What business are you in, Salt? Mr Salt: Nuts.
Violet Beauregarde: Well, normally, I'm a gum chewer. But when I heard about these ticket things of Wonka's, I laid off the gum and switched to candy bars, instead. Now, of course, I'm right back on gum. I chew it all day, except at mealtimes when I stick it behind my ear. Mrs Beauregarde: Now, Violet... Violet Beauregarde: Cool it, Mother. Now, this little piece of gum I've been chewing on for three months solid. That's a world record. It's beaten the record held by my best friend, Miss Cornelia Prince Medal. And, WAS she mad. Hi, Cornelia. How are ya, Sweetie?
Charlie Bucket: It's perfect. Mrs Teevee: It's unbelievable. Grandpa Joe: It's a miracle. Mike Teevee: It's a TV dinner. Willy Wonka: It's Wonkavision. Grandpa Joe: It could change the world.
Mike Teevee: Look at me. I'm gonna be the first person in the world to be sent by television. Mrs Teevee: Mike, get away from that thing. Willy Wonka: (unenthusiastically) Stop. Don't. Come back. Mike Teevee: Lights. Camera. *Action*.
(after Mike appears on the screen) Grandpa Joe: Our little group is getting smaller by the minute.
Mrs Gloop: Aye. Mr Wonka help I'm getting squooshed. Willy Wonka: Is it my soul that calls me by my name?
Grandpa Joe: Well, Mr Salt finally got what he wanted. Charlie Bucket: What's that? Grandpa Joe: Veruca went first.
Oompa Loompas: / Oompa loompa doompadee doo / I've got another puzzle for you / Oompa loompa doompadah dee / If you are wise you'll listen to me / Who do you blame when your kid is a brat / Pampered and spoiled like a siamese cat / Blaming the kids is a lie and a shame / You know exactly who's to blame / The mother and the father / Oompa loompa doompadee dah / If you're not spoiled then you will go far. / You will live in happiness too / Like the oompa loompa doompadee do
Veruca Salt: (singing) I want a party with roomfuls of laughter, / Ten thousand tons of ice cream, / And if I don't get the things I am after, / I'm going to screeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEAM.
(as Willy Wonka, Grandpa Joe, and Charlie Bucket are going up towards the glass roof in the Wonkavator) Grandpa Joe: But the roof is made of glass. It'll shatter into a thousand pieces. We'll be cut to ribbons. Willy Wonka: Probably.
Willy Wonka: For some moments in life there are no words.
Mrs Teevee: I assume there's an accident indemnity clause. Willy Wonka: Never between friends.
Willy Wonka: Oh! I wouldn't do that. I really wouldn't.
(Charlie and Grandpa Joe are floating in the fizzy lifting room) (Grandpa Joe does a somersault) Charlie Bucket: Hey, you did it, Grandpa. Grandpa Joe: Ohhhh... ohhhh, I think I hit an air pocket. Charlie Bucket: You can fly to the moon this way. Grandpa Joe: Let's just fly south for the winter. Charlie Bucket: Why not? I'm a bird! Grandpa Joe: I'm a plane! Charlie Bucket: I'm... going too high!
Charlie Bucket: Mr Wonka, what's gonna happen to the other kids? Augustus, Veruca? Willy Wonka: My dear boy, I promise you they'll be quite all right. When they leave here, they'll be completely restored to their normal, terrible old selves. But maybe they'll be a little bit wiser for the wear. Anyway, don't worry about them.
(opening lock) Willy Wonka: Ninety-nine... forty-four... one hundred percent pure.
Willy Wonka: Around the world and home again, that's the sailors way.
Mr Salt: I'm not signing anything without my lawyer. Veruca Salt: Give me that pen! (she grabs the pen from her father) You're always making things difficult.
Willy Wonka: How do you like my factory, Charlie? Charlie Bucket: It's the most amazing place in the whole world! Willy Wonka: I'm very glad to hear that. Because I'm giving it to you.
Oompa Loompas: Oompa loompa doopadee doo/I've got a perfect puzzle for you/Oompa loompa doopadee dee/ If you are wise you'll listen to me/What do you get when you guzzle down sweets?/Eating as much as an elephant eats?/What are you at getting terribly fat?/What do you think will come of that?/I don't like the look of it/Oompa loompa doopade dah/If you're not greedy you will go far/You will live in happiness too/Like the oompa loompa doopade do/Doopade do
Oompa Loompas: Oompa loompa doopadee do/I've got another puzzle for you/Oompa loompa doopadah dee/If you are wise you'll listen to me/Gum chewing's fun for once in a while/It stops you from smoking and brightens your smile/But it's repulsive, revoulting, and wrong/To chew gum all day long/The way that a cow does/Oompa loompa doopadee dah/If you're good mannered you will go far/You will live in happiness too/Like the oompa loompa doopade do
Oompa Loompas: Oompa loompa doopadee do/I've got another puzzle for you/Oompa loompa doopadah dee/If you are wise you'll listen to me/What do you get from a glut of TV?/A pain in the neck and an IQ of 3/Why don't you try simply reading a book?/Are you too stubborn to take a look?/You'll have no/You'll have no/You'll have no/You'll have no/You'll have no commercials/Oompa loompa doopadee dah/If you're not greedy you will go far/You will live in happiness too/Like the/Oompa/Oompa loompa doompa doopadee do
Mrs Gloop: You boiled him up, I know it. Willy Wonka: Nil desperandum, my dear lady. Across the desert lies the promised land. (Mrs Gloop is led away to the fudge room) Willy Wonka: Goodbye, Mrs Gloop. Adieu. Aufwiedersehen. Gesundheit. Farewell.
Veruca Salt: Hurry. Let's go! Violet Beauregarde: Oh shut up you little twerp.
Willy Wonka: This is the great glass Wonkavator. Grandpa Joe: It's an elevator. Willy Wonka: It's a Wonkavator. An elevator can only go up and down, but the Wonkavator can go sideways and slantways and longways and backways... Charlie Bucket: And frontways? Willy Wonka: ... and squareways and front ways and any other ways that you can think of. It can take you to any room in the whole factory just by pressing one of these buttons. Any of these buttons. Just press a button and *zing*! You're off. And up until now, I've pressed them all... except one. This one. Go ahead, Charlie. Charlie Bucket: Me? (Willy Wonka nods)
(first lines) Bill, candy store owner: All right, all right, all right, what's it going to be? A Triple Cream Cup for Christopher. A Squelchy Snorter for Otis. A Sizzler for June Marie. And listen! Wonka's got a new one today. Children: What is it? Bill, candy store owner: This is called a Scrumpdiddleumptious Bar.
Charlie Bucket: Grandpa, why won't she listen to Mr Wonka? Grandpa Joe: Because she, Charlie, is a nitwit.
Veruca Salt: Hey, she's got two! I want another one! Violet Beauregarde: Stop squawking, you twit!