Wild Wild West
1999
President Grant: Mr West, not every situation requires your patented approach of shoot first, shoot later, shoot some more and then when everybody's dead try to ask a question or two.
Artemus Gordon: She's a breath of fresh ass. Capt James West: What did you just say? Artemus Gordon: Nothing. Capt James West: You just said "ass." Artemus Gordon: No, I didn't. No, I said, "It's nice having her on board, she's a breast of fresh air."
Dr Arliss Loveless: Mister West! How nice of you to join us tonight and add COLOR to these monochromatic proceedings! Capt James West: Well when a fella comes back from the dead, I find that an occasion to STAND UP and be counted! Dr Arliss Loveless: Miss East informs me that you were expectin' to see General McGrath here. Well, I knew him years ago, but I haven't seen him in a COON's age! Capt James West: Well, I can see where it'd be difficult for a man of your stature to keep in touch with even HALF the people you know. Dr Arliss Loveless: Well, perhaps the lovely Miss East will keep you from bein' a SLAVE to your disappointment! Capt James West: Well, you know beautiful women; they encourage you one minute, and CUT THE LEGS OUT from under you the next!
Capt James West: Loveless has kidnapped metallurgists, so whatever he's building is going to have armor. He's kidnapped chemists, so it'll have explosives. And you've said that Rita's father is the biggest expert on hydraulics in the world, so it's going to move. What could he be building that will make the president surrender the U.S. Goverment? Artemus Gordon: A bedside heater. Capt James West: What? Artemus Gordon: Rita. She could use a bedside heater. It gets rather cold back there.
Dr Arliss Loveless: We may have lost the war, but we haven't lost our sense of humor. Even when we lose a lung, a spleen, a bladder, thirty-five feet of small intestine, two legs, and our ability to reproduce all in the name of the south, do we EVER LOSE OUR SENSE OF HUMOR?
Capt James West: Let me tell you something about your beloved art of disguise, Gordon. That night at Fat Can's, it wasn't a difficult task to tell that you weren't a woman. Artemus Gordon: I was propositioned by three men!
(Gordon produces a notebook and pencil on wrist springs) Capt James West: You know, you could put a gun on that. Artemus Gordon: Then where would I keep my pencil?
Capt James West: I thought I'd go as a government agent who's going to shoot and kill General Bloodbath McGrath. Artemus Gordon: An armed Negro cowboy costume in a room full of white, Southern, former slave-owners. You'll win first prize.
(Gordon zaps McGrath with his hypno-belt) McGrath: What's this? Artemus Gordon: Why, it's a deep, deep pool. Maybe it's your old swimming hole, General. Are you feeling sleepy? McGrath: Yes, I'm sleepy. Artemus Gordon: Good. Now you're going to be my little doggy, and when I say "speak" you're going to tell me everything I want to know. Understand? McGrath: Woof! Artemus Gordon: Good boy. Now, which scientist is that in the next room? Is it Dr Escobar? Speak! McGrath: (panting) Woof! Woof! Artemus Gordon: You can speak words, you stupid mutt.
(Chased by flying, magnetic buzz-saw disks) Artemus Gordon: The collars are what's attracting them! They contain powerful magnets! As long as we can outrun the blades, we'll be fine! Capt James West: Gordon! How long does it take for a magnet to lose its power? Artemus Gordon: About four hundred years! Capt James West: Damn!
Artemus Gordon: I can't be calm! Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm the "Master of the Mechanical Stuff"! And I have to help you! You, the master of the STUPID STUFF!
(West's face is magnetically joined to Gordon's crotch) Capt James West: Gordon, when you tell this story to your grandkids, you be sure to leave this part out. Artemus Gordon: Don't worry.
Artemus Gordon: Oh, look. My auxiliary tool kit, I forgot all about it. It must have fallen out of my pocket. Capt James West: Your pocket? Why wasn't it on some spring-loaded contraption that shoots out your ass? Artemus Gordon: That's the first place Loveless would have looked.
Coleman: President thought you boys could use a little looking-after. But I draw the line at defying gravity, so good luck.
Capt James West: I have a telegram for a Dr Loveless. It's from his mother, Irene. She's telling him to come on home, stop all this foolishness.
Dr Arliss Loveless: We may not have a woodshed on board, but that boy is gonna get a whuppin' anyway!
Dr Arliss Loveless: Why y'all look like you've seen a ghost? It's me, dear friends - alive and kicking! Well, alive, anyway. We may have lost the war, but heaven knows we haven't lost our sense of humor! No, not even when we've lost a lung, a spleen, a bladder, two legs, thirty-five feet of small intestine, and our ability to reproduce - all in the name of the South! - do we EVER LOSE OUR SENSE OF HUMOR!
Capt James West: Never drum on a white lady's boobies at a redneck dance.
Artemus Gordon: Jim? Capt James West: What now, Artie? Artemus Gordon: Mind if I ask you a question? Capt James West: Actually, I do, Artie.
Capt James West: That's it, no more Mr Knife guy.
(Artemus is wearing a bulletproof vest) Artemus Gordon: I only have one request: that you aim for my heart, my heart which has loved this country so much. Dr Arliss Loveless: Shoot him in the head.
Artemus Gordon: We have the element of surprise. What does Loveless have? (they look down into a canyon) Artemus Gordon: He has his own city. (Loveless' mechanical spider walks up over the edge of the cliff on which they are standing) Capt James West: He has an 80-foot tarantula. Artemus Gordon: I was just coming to that.
McGrath: (shouting) You sawed-off sadistic bastard! You've betrayed us! Dr Arliss Loveless: My dear General, having donated half of my physical being to create a weapon capable of doing this, how did you and General Lee repay my loyalty? You surrendered at Appomattox! So who betrayed whom?
Capt James West: Let's break it down into two words. First, red. Red is like, fire, passion. Neck is - I can't think of anything for neck right now.
Capt James West: (Whistles) I'd like to have everyone's attention for a moment. It seems we have had series of major misunderstandings here tonight. First of all, the whole "drummin' on the boobies" thing. Now in my native land... Someone in crowd: Georgia? Capt James West: Africa. We use drums to communicate between villages. And as you can see by this gal, we could communicate all the way to Baton Rouge. Hell, on a clear night, we might even get Galveston. All I was saying to the gal was, "Hi, how ya doing? My name's Jim. How's your momma?" Then there was the whole "Redneck" comment. And I'm sensing that you took that negatively. But let's break down that word "Redneck". First word red, color of power, fire, passion. Second word neck... neck... hey I can't think of nothing for neck right now, but without that you still got red and that's something to be proud of.
Dr Arliss Loveless: Rita, my dear. Not that I'm ungrateful to providence for bringing you back, but I have to confess - I'm just a little bit curious as to how you managed to wind up with them. Rita Escobar: Well, they seemed so sure that they could find you, I thought if I stayed with them, they'd bring me back to all my friends. (In a low voice) Rita Escobar: Not to give you a big head, but, I kind of missed you. Dr Arliss Loveless: Well, isn't that a coincidence? Cos, I kinda miss me too!
Rita Escobar: He's so impetuous. Artemus Gordon: Yes, he's an idiot.
(hanging out of the 80-foot spider, which is dangling over a cliff) Arliss Loveless: Well now, Mr West how did we arrive in this DARK situation? Capt James West: I don't know Dr Loveless. I'm just as STUMPED as you are.
(having just diffused Dr Loveless' mechanical legs after being kicked around - and stomped on - by them) Capt James West: Well, Dr Loveless. I bet you thought that was pretty funny, dancing on my head and all. Now, if you ask me, someone owes someone else here an apology.