Whoops Apocalypse
1982
The Deacon: If the Lord had meant us not to panic, he wouldn't have given us clean trousers!
President Johnny Cyclops: I don't like the sounds of this. The Deacon: Sir, if the Lord had meant us to like everything we heard, he wouldn't have given us commercial radio.
Jay Garrick: Today General E.F. "Gizzard" Pemberley died when a bomb exploded under his bed. Two eighteen-year-old marines also died.
President Johnny Cyclops: That new defense general of theirs looks like a real slippery son of a bitch. The Deacon: I should hope so, sir, he's one of ours.
Ahdab: I have some coffee for you here, master. Shah Mashiq Rassim: You just poured it over my face! Ahdab: A hundred and sixty apologies, Scott of the Antarctic. Shah Mashiq Rassim: When are you going to take that bloody blindfold off? Ahdab: But master; if I were to even glimpse on your holy countenance I would have to pluck out my eyes with sugar tongs. Shah Mashiq Rassim: And another thing. Ahdab: Sir? Shah Mashiq Rassim: Scott of the Antarctic was a film starring Kenneth More. Oh, Ahdab, if only you hadn't lost those sea sickness pills. Now there is no relief! Ahdab: You are wrong, master. Shah Mashiq Rassim: Really? Ahdab: It starred John Mills, not Kenneth More.
Commisar Solzhenitsyn: So; your government has turned you over to us to do what we want with you. Jonathon Hopper: That's not what the papers said. Commisar Solzhenitsyn: You've seen the papers? Jonathon Hopper: Yes. (Commisar looks at Politburo member) Politburo Member: They ordered continental breakfast, Commisar. Commisar Solzhenitsyn: Pardon? Politburo Member: Toast, a choice of jams and the morning's paper. Commisar Solzhenitsyn: From now on no prisoners will be allowed newspapers. Politburo Member: Yes, Commisar. Commisar Solzhenitsyn: And a choice of jams only to be given upon confession.
Jay Garrick: The mystery of the missing Quark Bomb has been solved. It was seen going off twenty minutes ago in what used to be Israel.
The Deacon: If the Lord had meant us to rely on geriatrics; he wouldn't have given us the supreme court.
(last lines) President Johnny Cyclops: I'll make the decision on the plane. The Deacon: As you wish, Mr President.
Premier Dubienkin: All these rumours of a food shortage are nonsense. I mean, the fact I have a dead dog in my fridge doesn't mean anything. Why shouldn't I have a dead dog in my fridge if I wish? American ambassador: Yeah, it's a free country. (pause) Sorry.
Nurse: The president shouldn't be disturbed. The Deacon: Well, this one is.
Jay Garrick: I'm Jay Garrick, but for how much longer?
Commisar Solzhenitsyn: You think you're so tough? Jed Grodd: Tougher than you can handle, Russkie. Commisar Solzhenitsyn: We shall see. (pause) Boris, help, my back's gone again.
Jed Grodd: We're gonna crash! Helicopter pilot: Sorry, sir, I was just following government policy. Jed Grodd: What are you talking about? Helicopter pilot: Fuel conservation. I only filled the tank half-way up!
The Deacon: (on The Johnny Cyclops bomb) Mr President, these complaints are a bit too late. It's being launched tomorrow. President Johnny Cyclops: What? Melvin Hickey: Sir, he means it's launched at a press conference, not actually launched at Russia. President Johnny Cyclops: Oh. The Deacon: Unless you... President Johnny Cyclops: No! No!
The Deacon: If the Lord had meant us to be sensible, he wouldn't have given us credit cards.
President Johnny Cyclops: This is a disaster. How am I ever gonna get re-elected when I'm ten points behind Charles Manson in the popularity poles?
Jay Garrick: It's the 3am News. I'm Jay Garrick and you're an insomniac.
President Johnny Cyclops: And if anything goes wrong? The Deacon: I wouldn't be surprised, sir.
Chancellor of the Exchecquer: The Prime Minister thinks he's Superman! We can't keep this up, I mean look at this note, "Can't make Question Time, Brainiac's escaped from the phantom zone"!
(on tape we see Lacrobat disguised as a Swedish man holding an Abba album) Lacrobat: Good day, my name's Olaf Jokkmokk and I am Swedish. Oh dear, I've dropped the keys to my volvo! I represent a firm of dentists, and I first came into contact with Lacrobat last year, to inquire about an estimate for the liquidation of John McEnroe. Since then, he has wiped out five entire chains of rival dentists. That is why I always vouch for Lacrobat.
Ahdab: Of course, phantom of the Opera.
Jay Garrick: A man carrying a banner saying "The world ends tomorrow" was arrested for leaking information.
Jay Garrick: I'm Jay Garrick, I hope you are too.
Premier Dubienkin: Russia is a great country. Many people like living in Russia. Read this (he hands over a piece of paper.) American ambassador: "I like living in Russia." So I see - Premier Dubienkin: Here is a written account by two witnesses... American ambassador: Right. Anyway - Premier Dubienkin: And more then ten people can testify that it wasn't written at gun point.
(Pork enters wearing a superman cape and carrying a dog) Kevin Pork: I'm feeling under the weather. (he walks to the window) Come on Krypto, it's time for your flight round the block. (he throws the dog out the window) Kevin Pork: You know, I feel better already.
President Johnny Cyclops: Did I authorise this? The Deacon: It was God's will, sir!
Premier Dubienkin: Neutral countries have two options - medium or well done.
(Cyclops looks out of the window and sees a cross - complete with crucifixion victim) President Johnny Cyclops: Deacon, don't you think the Easter decorations are a little severe? The Deacon: It plays well in the Bible belt sir - besides it gives students something to do during their Easter break.
(on the Quark Bomb) President Johnny Cyclops: My God, if one of those went off, it would destroy an entire State. The Deacon: Yes, sir, that's why we are basing it in Europe.
Kevin Pork: I think I've been over-doing things. But I had a talk with the doctor and he gave me some pills to take. Chancellor of the Exchecquer: It'll be for the best, Kev. I'm sure it will. Foreign Secretary: Which doctor is this then Kev? Kevin Pork: Doctor Destiny of Earth two. Sure; you know him. He helped me to save Lois Lane in the giant star fish of Atlantis.
President Johnny Cyclops: Hello Deacon. Nice to see you're feeling more optimistic today. The Deacon: If The Lord meant us to be optimistic; he wouldn't have given us life insurance.
Commisar Solzhenitsyn: I am Commisar Solzhenitsyn; no relation.
Ahdab: Is that you, crown jewel of the universe?
Jay Garrick: It's the morning bulletin; grab a coffee. There was another false nuclear alert today; triggered off by a faulty space invaders machine in the req. room. Officials say that the problem was sorted quickly, and that the troops did not take off; and were not half way to Russia before turning back.
Jay Garrick: In other news, a woman who secured a lock of Frank Sinatra's hair twenty years ago has sold it back to him for an undisclosed sum of money.
Jay Garrick: It's the midnight news. Have a cookie.
Premier Dubienkin: I am Premier Dubienkin. American ambassador: I'm the American ambassador. Premier Dubienkin: Of course, of course. This is the first time we have met? American ambassador: No; we've met on two hundred and thirty eight other occasions.
The Deacon: Did you finish reading the report, sir? President Johnny Cyclops: Deacon, it's over four inches thick! The Deacon: Well, why didn't you just skip to the conclusions at the end? President Johnny Cyclops: I didn't want to spoil the ending!
The Deacon: The UK's Conservative government says they will look after the Shah for as long as they're in power. President Johnny Cyclops: How long's that? The Deacon: About a week.
(repeated line) Newseader: Police raid a cafe in Brixton.
Commisar Solzhenitsyn: So, I see we have a smart-arsed parrot on our hands!
Lacrobat: Governments toppled, plants installed, or for that very special assassination; why not use Lacrobat?
Lacrobat: Lacrobat, also known as the devil. He's called the man of a thousand faces, and I personally recommend number six hundred and four.
(Lacrobat has the Quark Bomb disguised as a giant penis on his car) Lacrobat: Oh, no sir, this isn't pornography. Motorcycle cop: It sure ain't a tootsy roll!
Premier Dubienkin: I must say I like how you deal with the Americans. Foreign Secretary: Thank you. Premier Dubienkin: We like, how you say, kick them in the balls. Foreign Secretary: Well - Premier Dubienkin: Piss all over them.
President Johnny Cyclops: Armageddon... Armageddon... (we reveal Cyclops is looking at a world atlas) President Johnny Cyclops: No, doesn't seem to be here. There's an Albuquerque. That must be it, "President Cyclops is on his way to Albuquerque." Must be a conference there next month.
U.S. drilling officer: The swing-wing... (Sekowsky rushes to get his equipment) U.S. drilling officer: Sekowsky! What are you doing? Sekowsky: Emergency procedure, sir! U.S. drilling officer: Sit down. Sekowsky: Sorry sir, but those words sounded like a bell going off. U.S. drilling officer: Deploy? Sekowsky: No. U.S. drilling officer: Plane? Sekowsky: No. U.S. drilling officer: Swing wing? (Sekowsky panics and goes for his equipment again) U.S. drilling officer: Sekowsky! Sekowsky: Sorry, sir. It sounded like ding a ling. (the other soldiers all panic and go for their equipment)
Soldier 1: OK, why is Johnny Cyclops like a two-dollar whore? Every day a new cock up! Soldier 2: That's good. Say; you know how we were these were the most deadly and dangerous nuclear weapon ever made, and we were to guard them with our lives? Soldier 1: Yeah, why? Soldier 2: Nothing. Except, I could have sworn there were six of them.
Man in shadows: I believe I have the man just for you. His name is Lacrobat, people call him The Devil. I haven't met him, but he has sent my a demo tape; apparently it's full of testimonials. I'll watch it now, then call you back.
Man in shadows: He is a little strange, but effective. By the way, do I tell him who he's working for? (we cut and see he is talking to The Deacon) The Deacon: Under no circumstance.
The Deacon: A lie for a lie, a truth for a truth.
President Johnny Cyclops: Deacon, remember my integrity. The Deacon: I remember it well, sir.
(Cyclops has been shot) President Johnny Cyclops: Oh, God. I have sinned. I have sinned! The Deacon: Hush. He may hear you.
The Deacon: Everything went well, sir, the lobotomy wasn't necessary. President Johnny Cyclops: Well, I should think not. Anyone who tries to give me a lobotomy will get a piece of my mind!
Jay Garrick: I'm Jay Garrick and the world is an oyster.
Jay Garrick: I'm Jay Garrick and praise him from whom all blessings flow. The Sunday headlines...
Jay Garrick: I'm Jay Garrick, have another vallium.
The Deacon: We have three options, sir. The first one involves a sneak attack when everyone is facing Mecca. The second involves deploying our Egyptian missiles, but it's risky. People are already noticing there are more pyramids then before.
Commisar Solzhenitsyn: If you do not tell us the details of your mission, you can wave goodbye to both your hands. Politburo Member: How can he wave goodbye if you cut them off?
Kevin Pork: There's no use beating around the bush. I am, secretly, Superman. (pause) Foreign Secretary: Superman? Kevin Pork: Yes. (pause) Bit of a big one, isn't it? Now, you would want some proof, well here it is. (he takes off his glasses) Chancellor of the Exchecquer: Holy mother of Moses.
President Johnny Cyclops: Deacon, I thought you were gonna pray to God to get me out of this mess. The Deacon: I did, sir. President Johnny Cyclops: Well what did he say? The Deacon: I can't work miracles. President Johnny Cyclops: *Now* he tells us!
(the Shah is giving directions) Shah Mashiq Rassim: Left, left, no right! Left. Abdab, is the blindfold really necessary?
President Johnny Cyclops: Hell, Shah Rassim, this is president Johnny Cyclops. You may have noticed I am communicating with you by means of a parrot. This is because what I am about to tell you is of a highly confidential and secretive - are you sure he's getting all this, Deacon? The Quark Bomb has not been stolen by a terrorist. We stole it, and gave it to a terrorist; it's being smuggled to help you regain your rightful perch- throne! And we hope to get you off of that ferry very soon. The Deacon: And the rest, Mr President? President Johnny Cyclops: P.S. Would you please, eat me?
(the Johnny Cyclops campaign song) Biff: Raised on a mountain in Omaha / Went to the mission where he played his guitar/ Always took his hat off when he spoke to his ma / Once gave a nigger kid a lift in his car. Johnny, Johnny Cyclops never started world war three. Who fiddled his tax returns and laughed at the law/ Who organised a cover up in 1954 / Who spent in bed a week and day with a whore / Not Johnny Cyclops, that's for sure. Johnny, Johnny Cyclops / never started world war three / Master of diplomacy he never fails to act/ Keeps his cool under pressure, never, ever cracks/ Always scares the shit out of the Warsaw Pact / Johnny, Johnny Cyclops / Never started world war three!
U.S. drilling officer: Now if ya can't sit still, you know what I'm gonna do, right? Soldiers: Yes, sir. U.S. drilling officer: And what's that? Soldiers: Screw our boots to the floor, sir. U.S. drilling officer: Screw your boots to the floor! And I've got the screwdriver right here. Now - Sekowsky: It's all right for him, his boots are already screwed to the floor. U.S. drilling officer: What was that, Sekowsky? Sekowsky: Nothing, sir. U.S. drilling officer: I thought I heard you say something? Sekowsky: Nope. U.S. drilling officer: Something about my boots being screwed to the floor. Sekowsky: No, sir. U.S. drilling officer: Good. Now, the other plane is the Tiger, which I have a model of over here. (he attempts to move to get it, but is stuck)
Jay Garrick: President Cyclops issued a statement that all citizens are to converse oil. In response, Sammy Davis junior fired six of his hairdressers.
(Lacrobat has the Quark bomb in a casket) Lacrobat: (in fake French accent) Open that box, and be damned for all eternity! Greek official: I'm sorry, but I have to search it, Mr - Lacrobat: Floyjoy. Montgomery Hindenberg Floyjoy, undertaker for the stars. Mr Bob Hope has my on a retail. My card. Greek official: (reads) All the world's a grave, and all the men and women merely stiffs.
Greek official: So, you say you bury celebrities? Lacrobat: Oui. Greek official: Then why's this casket so large? (pause) Lacrobat: It was a double act.