What's Up, Tiger Lily?

1966

Woody Allen: They wanted in Hollywood to make the definitive spy picture. And they came to me to supervise the project, you know, because I think that, if you know me at all, you know that death is my bread and danger my butter - oh, no, danger's my bread, and death is my butter. No, no, wait. Danger's my bread, death - no, death is - no, I'm sorry. Death is my - death and danger are my various breads and various butters.

Phil Moscowitz: But you said you loved me! Wing Fat: I love you in my own way.

Phil Moscowitz: Meet me in the bedroom in five minutes and bring a cattle prod.

Shepherd Wong: I'm dying. Call my rabbi.

High Macha Of Rashpur: They kill, they maim and they call information for numbers they could easily look up in the book.

Phil Moscowitz: Saracen pig! Spartan dog! Take this! And this! Roman cow! Russian snake! Spanish fly!

Majah: Good afternoon. I am the Grand Exalted High Majah of Raspur, a nonexistent but real-sounding country. Phil Moscowitz: Uh-huh. Majah: Yes. We're on a waiting list. As soon as there's an opening on the map, we're next.

Wing Fat: Don't tell me what I can do, or I'll have my mustache eat your beard.

Shepherd Wong: That's too bad. I was going to marry her. I already put a deposit on twin cemetery plots.

Phil Moscowitz: No bullets? Ah, but if all of you in the audience who believe in fairies will clap your hands, then my gun will be magically filled with bullets.

Phil Moscowitz: I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

Suki Yaki: I managed to find this dress in there, but no underwear. Phil Moscowitz: No underwear? I find that very interesting. Suki Yaki: Don't excite yourself. I never sleep with a man who owns a dress. Phil Moscowitz: Oh, neither do I. I feel exactly the same way.

High Macha Of Rashpur: (displaying a printed floor plan) This is Shepherd Wong's home. Phil Moscowitz: He lives in that piece of paper?

Phil Moscowitz: Nothing much to report... oh, somebody tried to shoot me during the credits.

Wing Fat: This is my mother. We're very close. Isn't she sweet? And the best thing about her is: she can really take a punch. (punches her)

Suki Yaki: So, who did help me escape? Phil Moscowitz: Don't you have any idea? Suki Yaki: I had an idea that it was the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, but there's no motive...

Shepherd Wong: I didn't order any fumigation! It's Wing Fool, you fat! I mean... it's Wing Fat, you fool!

Suki Yaki: I'm such a great piece! Teri Yaki: I wish Phil would get here. It's getting awfully late. Suki Yaki: (Running to answer a knock at the door) It's Phil, bringing the promise of joy and fulfillment in its most primitive form! Teri Yaki: I hope he brought the vibrator.

Shepherd Wong: You interupt Shepherd Wong? That's the thing to do?

Shepherd Wong: You want egg salad, I'll give you egg salad! Did you bring the mayonnaise? Suki Yaki: Mayonnaise? Shepherd Wong: I told you to take a jar! Suki Yaki: Boy is he weird. Shepherd Wong: Oh, nevermind. If there's none on board, forget it. We'll use Miracle Whip. Heee-yee-hee-hee-ha-ha!

Shepherd Wong: (reviewing a lineup of girls in his harem, each elevated on pedestals and visible on camera from the waist down) Loin, flank, sirloin. Why, this is the best shipment of meat we've had this year!

The Interviewer: Woody, since the story is a bit difficult to follow, would you mind giving the audience and myself a brief rundown on what's gone on so far? Woody Allen: (casually) No.

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