Waiting for God
1990
Tom Ballard: I want you to save my daughter-in-law. Diana Trent: Oh my God! Tom Ballard: She's lost her way as a wife and a mother. Diana Trent: She's lost her way as a lush and a tart. Tom Ballard: She needs someone to take her by the hand. Diana Trent: Or by the throat.
Reverend Dennis Sparrow: (about Marion) Where would I find her? Diana Trent: Probably on her back in the off-license.
Tom Ballard: (about Diana) Your smile is like a crack in the gates of hell. One can smell the sulfur and hear the screams of the damned through your smiles.
(repeated line) Harvey Baines: Jane, you're touching me.
Harvey Baines: I thought I was stupid till I met you, Jane. Jane Edwards: Oh, you are, Harvey.
Diana Trent: Just go away or I'll kill you, Harvey.
Tom Ballard: Have you ever thought of cheese wire? Marion Ballard: What did he say? Geoffrey Ballard: He's on about garroting you, dear.
Diana Trent: If you will endeavour to put your head on the floor, I will kick it clean off your shoulders.
Tom Ballard: You are a hateful and despicable person and I hate and despic you.
Harvey Baines: This my almost Armani suit.
Tom Ballard: (Harvey wants to become a priest because Jane has decided to become a nun) What about celibacy? Harvey Baines: What do I care about fame?
Diana Trent: (Diana is at her doctor's) In the immortal words on the late, great Bugs Bunny - "What's up, doc?".
Diana Trent: (Geoffrey has joined the Bournemouth chapter of the Hell's Angels) He's currently slobbing around our place like Marlon Brando on Valium.
Harvey Baines: I know my gospels. Matthew, Mark, Luke and Jim.
Diana Trent: (answering phone) Hello. Who am I?
Tom Ballard: I mean, I only asked two other women to marry me and they both said yes. Diana Trent: But, Tom, you've only been married once. Tom Ballard: I was engaged to my nanny when I was four. She broke it off. Said that the fifty year age gap would always be a problem. So we went our separate ways. She must be one hundred and thirty years old now.
(Tom and Diana are discussing sex) Tom Ballard: Just as I thought, you're all talk and no action. Diana Trent: When it comes to sex, everyone around here is all talk and no action. Tom Ballard: What about Harry Figgus and Mary Hawkins? Diana Trent: Good grief! They're not... ? Tom Ballard: You should take your earplugs out one night. I thought a pack of wolves was upon us last Wednesday night. Diana Trent: Well, she's no better than she ought to be. Tom Ballard: Apparently, she's a lot better than she ought to be.