Wagons East

1994

Phil Taylor: I was a field surgeon during the war. We'd work long hours. We'd eat while we operated. One time, there's this young soldier I was trying to save, he took a cannonball in the stomach. After 18 hours of surgery, I did it. Never felt better in my life. Until, just like that, the patient dies. Turns out I left half a bologna sandwich in his lung.

Harry Bob: When I was ten years old, I killed my best friend, Tom McClenny. All the folks in town thought he died of falling off a tree. But the fact of the matter is, I beat him with a club and dragged him into the woods so it would look that way. Ha ha ha... I had no idea why I'd done it. (beat) Ha ha ha, thank you Doctor, I feel better already.

Phil Taylor: (rallying everyone to leave town) C'mon. Let's quit. Let's find a wagon master and go east. Bartender: You know what I say! I say you're nothing but a bunch of lilly-livered Eastern sissies! Why don't you get out of here and leave the West to the real men!

(repeated line) James H. Harlow: Wagons... east!

The Chief: (in Sioux) Untie them, Little Feather. Little Feather: (in Sioux) Father, I hate that name. The Chief: (in Sioux) Ah, my son. (waves his hand in front of his crotch) The Chief: (in Sioux) Untie them, Big Snake That Makes Women Faint!

Billy: (while Julian is washing his back) So, what brought you out west, Julian? Julian Rogers: Oh, the men. I heard it was just plump full of them. Billy: Men? (pause) Oh, because men read more books than women. Julian Rogers: Uh, yeah.

Billy: (after Julian finishes with his back) Thanks a lot. (turns around, notices Julian's hard-on) Billy: Wow, Julian. Look at you. Did you see a mermaid? (Julian blushes and giggles) Billy: Man, cold water usually has the opposite effect on me.

James H. Harlow: (drunk) We leave at dawn... noon-ish.

Julian Rogers: I'm going back west. Belle: What could be there for you? Julian Rogers: San Francisco.

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