Vengeance Unlimited
1998
Garcos: Where are the other two? KC: It's bad. Really bad. Chapel: Now, don't exaggerate. They'll walk again. KC: Yeah, with canes. Chapel: It'll make them look debonair.
Chapel: You know that show, "Touched by an Angel"? Well, this ain't it.
KC: You hate me, don't you? Chapel: No, but my love can take strange forms.
KC: Where did you get a million dollars? Chapel: Paper route.
(After hitting a guy with a Bible) Chapel: Those Gideons make a very effective product, don't they? And they're free - what's up with that? What do they do, sneak into hotel rooms at night? Have you ever met a Gideon? I guess not.
Chapel: Hey, c'mon, you haven't lived until you've had a horse tranquilizer.
(After impersonating a nun) KC: I'm going straight to Hell. Chapel: Maybe just to heck.
J.J.: You're going to hit me, aren't you? Chapel: Yep. J.J.: Why? Chapel: Well, when I was a kid, I lost a toy pony and I'm still mad.
(Pretending to have killed a female client) Chapel: Women. For a guy like me, it's always gonna end at some incinerator, holding a piece of footwear.
Budnick: So what are you, some kind of cop? Chapel: I'm just a guy who gets up every morning. I look around and I see people like you, and it makes me kind of sick. You all look the same, you're all greedy, full of yourselves, and I wonder if there's a big dome someplace where they grow you.
Chapel: I'm going to need that favor. It's kind of karmic the way it keeps circling around and coming back to you. Scanlon: Does anybody ever understand what the hell you're talking about?
Chapel: In a world of chaos, wrinkle-free pants keep you sane.
Chapel: Somewhere along the line, your values took a tumble. What did it? Drugs? Hookers? Free tickets to the Ice Capades?
Chapel: What do I want? I want to go back in time and stop John from meeting Yoko.
Theresa: So, you help me out of all this, and all I owe you is a million dollars? Chapel: Sorta like that. Theresa: Do you take food stamps? Chapel: No. But I have a prudent buyer's plan. Theresa: Which is? Chapel: Some day you owe me a favor. Theresa: A million dollars or a favor. Yeah, well, I saw that movie and I'm really flattered... Chapel: That's not what I meant.
(After Chapel has successfully executed another elaborate scheme) KC: Quick question. Chapel: Yeah? KC: Are you Satan? Chapel: No. KC: Just checking.
(After Chapel returns a woman's earring) Theresa: What did you need it for? Chapel: You can use those to pick locks. Theresa: Where'd you learn that? Chapel: My mom. She was very handy.
(After breaking some guy's kneecap) Chapel: Don't worry about that. It'll be okay in a couple of months. It's amazing what they can do with plastic nowadays.
Chapel: I walked into a bar one time, and I bumped into a guy. He pulled a gun on me. And I said, "Hey, I'm sorry." And he said, "You know, if you let one person bump you, pretty soon everyone's going to start bumping you." Theresa: So what happened? Chapel: Well, he has a new shoulder now. It's amazing what they can do with plastic. Anyway, my point is that some kids don't know how to play with others, so you just... KC: ... have to give them a new shoulder. Chapel: Well, yeah, there you go.
Gifford: This is an official IRS investigation. What's your name? Chapel: I'm Gumby, dammit.
(Looking through Chapel's fake ID's) KC: IRS, phone company, sewer inspector... that's just to get the chicks, right? Chapel: Works every time.
Chapel: If you try that again, I'll break every bone in your body, one per second. That's 206 seconds, maybe seven, give or take a bone.
KC: What's wrong with you? Chapel: Plenty. We live in a world, you and I, where people can kill someone and get a book deal out of it because they hire the right lawyer, or they get an acting teacher who teaches them how to cry on camera. KC: You think you can change all that? Chapel: Well, maybe not, but I don't have to tolerate it.
Schiller: Are you out of your freakin' mind? Chapel: Anything's possible.
(Hauling out a bad guy rolled up in a carpet) Bradford: Is there a guy in there? Chapel: Yeah. He sold me a bad rug. I was pretty mad about it.
(Remembering his time in El Salvador) Colonel: Have you ever been beaten half to death by wooden rakes? Mr Chapel: I sat through "The English Patient" once.
(repeated line) Mr Chapel: Oh my goodness.