Upright Citizens Brigade
1998
Trotter: Everybody hug someone different than you. Old people hug a young person. Straight people, hug someone you think might be gay. White people hug a black person... OK, there aren't a lot of black people, so we're going to have to share the black people.
Realtor: This is the Hot Chicks Room. The breakfast table's just over this way... Wife: Excuse me? What was that room again? Realtor: Oh, this is the Hot Chicks Room. It's filled with assorted hot chicks, who party in here 24 hours a day. But you'd be more interested in the kitchen. Wife: You know what? We're not going to need a sexy chicks room. Realtor: Well, actually it's a Hot Chicks Room. Wife: Well, whatever it is, we don't need it. Husband: You said the same thing about the microwave, and we use that darned thing all the time. (to realtor) So, a Hot Chicks Room, huh? Realtor: Yeah. The previous owner installed the room in the 80's, and I'll be honest with you, some of the chicks aren't all that hot anymore. However, they are replacable.
Businessman: I'd like to take this opportunity to speak incoherently.
Jacobs: I'd like to take this opportunity to speak posthumously. (Hands someone a letter, and shoots himself)
Ugly Man: I committed bestiality! Counselor: You didn't know she was an ape when you had sex with her. Ugly Man: But I had sex with a dog, too. Counselor: Did you know it was a dog when you had sex with it? Ugly Man: Yes.
Old Woman: Say I'm your mama.
Jewish man: I'm only half Jewish anyways. Irish man: Well, you weren't just half-Jewing the show. Jewish man: Half-Jew is not a verb.
Little Donnie's Mother: Donnie! Pull down your pants! Little Donnie: No! They'll laugh at my belly button.
(buying cookies from a Girl Scout) Unabomber: I tell you what. I'll by seven boxes and we'll split one right now!
Little Donnie's Mother: Donnie really likes chocolate milk.
Captain Lunatic: I didn't fight a secret war in Nicaragua so you could walk the streets badmouthing Lady Liberty, in your damn mirrored sunglasses!
Adair: Forget cyborgs. What about some more money for my cloning experiments? Antoine: What cloning experiments? Adair: The cloning experiments of your momma. (Antoine throws his Chinese health balls at Adair) Colby: Antoine, it's true. Adair cloned your momma. He has her working down in the Inner Sanctum kitchen. Speaking of which, here comes lunch. (Antoine's mother enters, carrying a tray of sandwiches) Antoine: Why did you make a clone of my mother? Adair: You're the one always speaking so highly of her. Antoine: You need to leave my mother alone! Adair: That's not what your momma was saying last night. Colby: It's true, Antoine. Last night, your momma said she'd be honored to have her DNA spread throughout society. She's a real credit to the cause. Trotter: Thank you, Ping-Pong. Just, uh, put the rest of the sandwiches over there by the distipulator. Antoine: You named my mother Ping-Pong? Adair: Yeah, cause your momma has knees like ping-pong balls. When she walks, they're like, "ping, pong." Anyway, it's better than what Trotter named his Antoine momma clones that he has working on his car! Trotter: Look, Beepo, Porkchop, and Potbelly have nothing to do with this conversation.
Crowd: Eat the cheeseburger, astro boy! Eat the cheeseburger, astro boy! Trotter: Enough... if you're trying to start a riot, I suggest you choose a simpler chant.
Redneck: We don't need no moon cheese baby! Astronaut: What the hell is a moon cheese baby?
Cyborg: I am looking for someone who will watch the sunset with me WHILE YELLING AT IT!
Food Nazi: Before i go... I would just like to say... FREE CHOCOLATE!
Raymond: Camp Counselor Chip, I have something to confess! Camp Counselor: (exhausted) Yes, Raymond, what to you want to confess? Raymond: I want to confess... that i want you to walk on hot coals like the Freak at the fair!
Little Animated Girl: Wow it's like munching on a christmas tree with Root Beer on the inside!
Colby: Entertainment is a weapon! And weapons... have become entertainment!
Sen. B.C. Durham: The White House can no longer continue to ignore the pooh stick epidemic, which is destroying our great country. And what kind of country do we live in when a man calls a stranger his momma?
Priest: And Joseph of Arimathea once said, "If you can read this, you're too damn close."