Two and a Half Men
2003
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass". Charlie: Here's $20. That should cover me until lunch.
Jake: Your mom is my grandma? Charlie: Yep. Jake: Grandma says you're a bitter disappointment.
Charlie: (deciding they should go see their mother) Driver, new destination - Beverly Hills. Cab Driver: You have an address for that? Charlie: Just drive east on Sunset until you reach the Gates of Hell. Alan: She'll buzz us in.
(Charlie has arranged a "play date" for Jake) Charlie: The kid plays, and I have a date. Everybody wins.
Alan: Are you happy? Charlie: I have my moments, but they're getting farther apart.
Alan: But you said "I understand"? Charlie: Look, when I say "I understand", it doesn't mean I agree, it doesn't mean I understand, it doesn't even mean that I'm listening.
Charlie: Alan, there's something you should know about me. When I say I understand, it doesn't mean I agree. It doesn't mean that I understand. It doesn't even mean that I'm listening. Alan: Then why do you say it? Charlie: It makes people happy. That's what I'm all about. Alan: That's all altruistic, but I would prefer that you be straight with me. Just keep in mind that we have an impressionable young boy living here. Charlie: I understand.
Alan: What's the matter with you? Charlie: I just had lunch with my mother and my stalker... We spent the afternoon eating off each other's plates and discussing my fear of intimacy.
Alan: Show me the better.
Alan: I was afraid you'd pick up on that.
Dr Melnick: (Alan is returning the "The Harpers" welcome mat that he stole the day before) Alan? What are you doing here? Alan: Oh, I just wanted to apologise for coming over yesterday unannounced. Dr Melnick: So you came over unannounced to apologise for coming over unannounced? Alan: I was afraid you'd pick up on that...
(while watching a movie with his mother Jake is guessing if the actresses breasts are real or not) Jake: Fake. Jake: Real. Jake: Oh, who is she kidding? Judith: Jake. You shouldn't judge women like that. Jake: I understand.
Olivia Pearson: But you said I was special. Charlie: You are special. Olivia Pearson: Then why were you dating three other girls at the same time? Charlie: I said you were special, not unique.
Evelyn Harper: I'm not speaking to you. Charlie: OK Evelyn Harper: Do you want to know why? Charlie: No, I trust your judgment.
(Charlie tells Jake he wrote the song to a cereal jingle) Jake: No lying? Charlie: Kid, if I wanted to lie to you, I would have said I wrote "Stairway to Heaven".
(Charlie's view on Disneyland after returning from a day spent at the park) Charlie: "Happiest Place On Earth" my Snow White ass.
Charlie: Why don't you make like a hockey player, and get the puck out of here.
Alan: Getting hurt is like boys' jobs. Last summer Jake actually fractured his ass doing a cannonball into the bathtub.
Alan: Charlie, I want Jake to follow the rules, so I need you to be my eyes and my ears. Charlie: Ok, I need you to be my liver and my prostate.
Charlie: Alright, it's just you and me now, are you really sick, or are you faking it to get out of a fun filled afternoon. Jake: I'm really sick. Charlie: Just checking, cause I was going to fake it.
Charlie: (singing) If your home is bug infested, filled with spiders, flies, or gnats, all our sprays are safety tested, we kill vermin not your cat.
Charlie: (to Alan) First of all, that little boy loves you. And second of all, just 'cause your wife decides she doesn't want to sleep with men, it doesn't make you a bad husband, though I wouldn't brag about it.
Charlie: Your hair is still greasy. Did you wash it? Jake: You told me to take a shower, you didn't tell me to wash my hair. Charlie: Well, go wash your hair. (Jake goes into the bathroom) Rose: You didn't tell him to rinse. Charlie: Good idea, good idea. Jake! *Rinse*!
Alan: Charlie? Charlie: What? Alan: You just kicked me in your sleep! Charlie: Who said I was sleeping?
Alan: Do you really want me to tell a ten year old boy that someone he really cares about, was pretending to likes him, what kind of lesson is that? Charlie: He lives in L.A., he might as well learn now.
Charlie: Look, Jake, I'm sorry about the Wendy thing, but there's nothing I can do about it. And I want us to be buddies again, I don't want you to hate me, any more. Jake: I don't hate you. Charlie: Good. Jake: I'm just very disappointed in you. Charlie: Hey, I get enough of that crap from my mother.
Alan: Well you know what, it doesn't matter if I look cool, we judge a person by what's inside, not by what they wear. Jake: Lucky for you, huh.
Alan: This is not who I am. Charlie: Yeah, but who you are, couldn't get laid under water, with a tank full of oxygen.
Judith: How was your weekend? Jake: Uncle Charlie says I don't have to tell you.
Alan: Jake, go to your room. Jake: If you're going to talk about sex, why don't you go to your own room? Alan: (turning to Jake) Now!
(looks at a picture of the pretty actress that will be his date) Alan: That her? (blows his nose) I'm cured!
Charlie: I remember your high school friend Jamie Eckleberry. We used to call her Eckleberry Hound. Alan: You used to call her that. Charlie: I didn't name her that. I just spread it around. Hey, be sure to keep her off the rug. Alan: Very funny. You know she's very successful in her field. Charlie: Oh, how nice. She has a field to run around in! Alan: This is getting old. Charlie: In people or dog years? Look, I'll be nice. I'll say hello... then scratch behind her ears. Alan: Are you done yet? Charlie: I hope she looks fetching. OK, now I'm done. (There's a knock at the door. Jamie enters, wearing a curve hugging dress and showing off lots of cleavage) Charlie: (with his mouth hanging open) Woof!
Sean Penn: Back off, Mary Poppins.
Elvis Costello: (while writing down song lyrics based on Sean Penn's thoughts, Elvis Costello comes up with an excuse for what he's writing down) Shopping list.
Charlie: Bought some hamburgers, Bought the hats; ate the hamburgers, wearing the hats.
Alan: Hold on Mom, (puts a hand over the phone) Charlie, Mom says if she is ever comatose, she wants you to decided to pull the plug or not. Charlie: (doesn't even think about it) Pull. Alan: Mom, Charlie on board.
(Charlie trying to get rid of a bunch of seagulls) Charlie: Shoo!
Alan: Jake, for the last time, nobody got "creamed", no one won, no one lost. Jake: Yeah except for us, twelve to two. Charlie: Well it doesn't matter if you win or lose; it's whether or not you beat the spread.
Alan: Help me Charlie, I wanna sing for no reason.
Alan: She just throw me out after ten years! Charlie: How did you get in my house?
Frankie: You're gonna get laid tonight. Alan: (starts tearing up) I think I might cry again.
Jake: I understand. Charlie: Do you? Jake: No, I'm just tired and I don't care anymore.
Charlie: I'll admit you're kookie Judith. But compared to our mother you're like a fart in a hurricane.
(Charlie has run into some financial trouble) Charlie: I can't do this anymore. I quit. Alan: You can't quit poverty, Charlie.
Frankie: (Alan is scooping pancakes onto Frankie's plate) Man, deep tissue massage, pancakes... if you had a TV on your forehead and could breathe through your ears, you'd be perfect.
(Alan is looking at a photo of Charlie's old girlfriend who is now a man) Alan: Holy mother of god! Charlie: Welcome to the matrix.
Alan: (Alan is sleep walking) Gort. Klatuu, barada, nikto. Charlie: What? Alan: (seductively) You know...
Charlie: You know, it wouldn't kill you to talk to Mom once in a while. Alan: We don't know that.
Charlie: A clueless woman is a happy woman.
Charlie: Drugs! Get me drugs! Alan: No. Medication will only mask the pain. Charlie: Fine, mask it! Give it a cape and let it fight crime, I don't give a damn!
(after Alan forgot to pick him up at school) Jake: How many kids you got?
Alan: (to Charlie) Does your penis have an off switch?
Alan: How do I look? Charlie: (doesn't look at him) Great. All men want to be you, all women want to be with you. Alan: Charlie, can you at least look at me before you answer? Charlie: (looks up) I stand corrected... All men want to be with you.
Alan: How do I look? Charlie: (not looking) You look great. All men want to be you, all women want to be with you. Alan: You're not even looking. Charlie: (looks) I stand corrected. All men want to be with you...
Berta: Gadzooks! Sparky's getting his freak on. Charlie: We live in an age of miracles. Berta: I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother.
(Charlie is working out; Alan drink from his bottle) Alan: What is this? Charlie: Bourbon. Alan: You're drinking bourbon while working out? Charlie: Gin makes me sweat.
Judith: If you're determined to do something stupid, I'd actually prefer you to do Charlie. Liz: So would Charlie. But we can't always get what we want.
Jake: (a little while after he breaks wind.) Everybody save yourselves. Run for your lives (runs outside) Alan: ... And as a general rule, when he says it's bad, take his word for it. (rises from the table) Rose: Oh, please, Alan, I grew up with three older brothers and *oh, my God*!
Charlie: (after Jake spends a night at Evelyn's house) Do you realize that he (Jake) did in one night, what we could never do in our lifetime. Alan: He broke her. Charlie: He chewed her up and spit her out. Alan: It was a beautiful thing.
Sherri: (standing in the bedroom, wearing a negligee) You're unbelievable, Alan. Alan: Now, that could be taken a number of ways... Sherri: Get out! Alan: No ambiguity there.
Charlie: (Alan is complaining about Judith wasting the money he pays in child support) You're like an Alzheimer's patient at a whore house - you keep forgetting that you've been screwed, and you keep refusing to pay for it.
Charlie: (making a deal with Alan while standing at a urinal) Want to shake on it?
Charlie: (their mother just came to visit) So... to what do we owe the... Evelyn Harper: Pleasure? Charlie: No, that's not it. Evelyn Harper: Well, I just felt like coming by to see some people who I love very much. Alan: And they weren't home?
Evelyn Harper: (Evelyn left her bra in Charlie's car) Now go get Mommy's bra. (Charlie stands and pulls the bra out of his pocket. Pause) Oh, darling, that's just sick. (Evelyn takes the bra. Starts to walk away, then turns back to Charlie) Seek help.
Evelyn Harper: (Evelyn's in the hospital. Charlie keeps pulling out a plug and re-inserting it) Charlie, what are you doing? Charlie: Practicing.
Judith: Now was that so hard? Alan: No, actually, it was surprisingly easy. (shuts door) All I had to do was bend over and unclench.
Evelyn Harper: I need to find something black. (for the funeral) Charlie: I think your heart counts.
Charlie: (Alan is supposed to have a colonoscopy, and is very worried about it) Count your blessings; in the old days, they had to send a sketch-artist up there.
Isabella: (chanting) Annoint him, annoint him, annoint him. Charlie: (singing) I can't stop this feeling, deep inside of me, girl, you just don't realize what you do to me.
Rose: When your psyche is iffy, you can't get a stiffy.