To the Manor Born
1979
Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: Marjory, are you going to dress for dinner? Marjory Frobisher: I have! Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: To eat it or cook it?
Mrs Polouvicka: And the people who were here before... stinkers! Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: Stinkers? Mrs Polouvicka: So they say, especially HER! Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: Who says? Mrs Polouvicka: Common knowledge. Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: Common it may be, knowledge it is not.
(Audrey and Marjory are discussing Ned, one of the estate workers) Marjory Frobisher: There isn't a clock in the neighbourhood he hasn't broken at sometime or another. Remember the clock at Mulbury-St. Nicholas? It must be the only church clock with a cuckoo in it! Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: If we don't give him the work he'll never get better. Marjory Frobisher: But he's been doing it for 37 years! Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: Well there you are! You can't expect him to get it right first time!
The Rector: Well, there we are Mrs fforbes-Hamilton. He walked in the way of the Lord and served him right. Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: Yes, it certainly did. Well, thank you Rector, it was a lovely funeral. We must have one again sometime.
J.J. Anderson: This is Mr DeVere. Richard DeVere: My condolences Mrs fforbes-Hamilton. Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: Most kind. It was a great shock, but life must go on. Do help yourself to a drink. J.J. Anderson: It's Mr DeVere of Cavendish Foods... Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: Oh, the caterers! In that case, help everyone else to a drink.
Arnold Plunkett: I have some things I must talk to you about this afternoon as soon as possible: business, I'm afraid. Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: Arnold, this is a funeral! You must learn not to combine business with pleasure.
Marjory Frobisher: Golly, the place looks bare! What have you done? Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: Oh, we've taken all the "In Sympathy" cards down. Pity, they made the place look so cheerful. There's a lovely one here from Mrs Beechum. "May me and Harry offer you every assistance with your death."
Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: Sell Grantleigh? You're mad. Arnold Plunkett: The creditors are insisting upon it. Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: Have they no sense of history. We've been here through wars, plagues, floods, famines and labor governments. They can't let a little thing like bankruptcy alter the natural cause of events.
Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: If I can't keep the manor, I want it to go to one of us. 'England for the English,' as we used to say about India.
Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: To think that Grantleigh Manor is in the hands of a man who has no interest in farming, doesn't go to church and now it turns out hasn't heard of Winnie the Pooh. You think A.A. Milne is a motoring organization I suppose.
The Rector: For what we are about to receive may the Lord make us truly thankful. (Marjory stifles a laugh) Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: Marjory? Marjory Frobisher: Sorry! Um, got a bone in my throat. Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: Do watch out for bones everybody. You can't be too careful with avocados.
Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: "Since the death of her husband, Audrey has left Grantleigh Manor and moved down the drive." They think I live in a pothole!
Marjory Frobisher: I was surprised to hear she'd got married at all, I mean she wasn't very attractive was she? Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: Oh, let's not mince words, Margory, she had a face like a ship's boiler.
Richard DeVere: When I say I want to know all about pig-breeding, I want to know the full facts. All you've told me here is that pigs are dirty little pink things which go 'Oink!'
Richard DeVere: We're about to have another lecture, are we? Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: If that's what you want to call it... Richard DeVere: In that case, I'll be brief. I'm fed up to the back teeth with the way you keep rushing over here with some little quibble about the way I'm running this estate. I know for a fact that you have no real quarrel with the way I'm doing it, so why do you keep finding fault? I'll tell you why: firstly, because you want to prove to everybody that you're still Dame High and Mighty around here and secondly, because you rather enjoy coming over here... to see me.
Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: Oh, there's a note attached. "My mother and I would be so pleased if you could spend Xmas day with us at the Manor." "Xmas" - makes it sound like a skin complaint.
Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: Democracy is all very well, but why give it to the people?
Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: Brabinger's got his back trouble again. Marjory Frobisher: What's he picked up this time? Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: A billiard table.
Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: How much will you bet? Richard DeVere: I don't like taking money from a woman. Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: Splendid. That means I can't lose.
Old Ned: Sounds like rain. Richard DeVere: How can you tell? No, don't tell me. Clouds. (Ned stares at him) Bird formation? Cows lying down? No, you said it sounded like rain. I know, you heard it on the wind. Old Ned: No, sir. Heard it on the weather forecast this morning.
Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: This is one of the wettest counties in England, you know. Richard DeVere: I don't mind so long as it doesn't shrink. I didn't pay nearly a million to end up with a bonsai bowling green.
Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: It's polite to be twenty minutes late. Richard DeVere: But you're forty minutes late. Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: I'm just doubly polite.
Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: (Audrey and Brabinger have started their homemade honey business and are tasting their product) We've made a start. From now on we can only expand. Brabinger: Especially if we keep eating the honey, madam. Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: (laughs) We don't want you to get stuck in the front door like Winnie the Pooh, do we?
Richard DeVere: (Brabinger has won the auction and "bought" the Grantleigh Estate, standing in for his employer, Mrs fforbes-Hamilton) Brabinger, it can't be you, can it? Brabinger: I do have a few savings.
Audrey fforbes-Hamilton: You're sex mad. I can get anything I want in that line just by snapping my fingers. Marjory Frobisher: I never found snapping my fingers that exciting.