Three to Tango

1999

(on being told he's been selected as gay man of the year) Oscar Novak: I haven't done anything or anyone to deserve this.

Oscar Novak: (on the phone to his shocked but supportive mother) I'm not gay. I just have to pretend to be gay for work.

Peter Steinberg: You've made your big gay bed and now you must slumber gaily in it!

(When Peter clicks his pen, it's supposed to signal to Oscar that he's rambling) Oscar Novak: Hey, you have a Buddha! Oh, I love Buddhas. (Peter clicks his pen) They're like bright, cheery, naked Asian Santas. (Sound of clicking pen) You know, I had a buddy in college whose name was Bob and we used to call him "Buddha Bob" because he was kind of fat and he liked to walk around naked. (More pen clicking) We used to rub his belly for luck. (Frantic pen clicking. He gets the hint) Anyway... I love Buddha. (awkward pause) He rocks.

Oscar Novak: Mum's the word. The word is mum.

Oscar Novak: I had no idea things were so hairy in Bosnia.

Amy: How are your balls? Oscar Novak: They're fine. Thanks for asking.

Oscar Novak: The entire night was a total disaster. Peter Steinberg: You're in love with her. Oscar Novak: Pretty much.

Oscar Novak: (Peter is stood with a tub of hair gel and a weird hairdo) What the hell happened to your hair? Peter Steinberg: You were gone for nine hours. I got bored. What happened? Oscar Novak: It was a disaster. First our cab exploded, then I got hit in the face, then we both threw up, *then* she rammed a car handle into my balls. The whole night was a disaster. Peter Steinberg: You fell in love with her. Oscar Novak: Pretty much.

Peter Steinberg: Do you have any idea what toilet paper feels like in Egypt?

Oscar Novak: ... she has an ass so sexy, I struggle to understand it.

Peter Steinberg: Don't make me make you my prison bitch.

Amy: So I take it you have kissed a woman before? Oscar Novak: Not the right one.

(after Amy accidentally hits Oscar) Amy: Did you hurt yourself? Oscar Novak: No, no... YOU hurt me!

Amy: (upon meeting her boyfriends wife) i handled that well didn't I? I'm still in one piece. Oscar Novak: Yes, very well. (amy starts to walk away) Where are you going? Amy: To get really *really* drunk.

Oscar Novak: I'm never going to have sex again! Peter Steinberg: Oh, of course you will. Just maybe not with a woman.

Oscar Novak: What's good? Diner Waiter: Tuna melt. Oscar Novak: Ohhh... what else? Diner Waiter: Tuna melt. Amy: What do you think? Oscar Novak: Yeah, two tuna melts.

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