The Wrong Box

1966

Queen Victoria: In recognition of your many and varied services to the crown, I dub thee... (the sword descends too fast) Oh. We are frightfully sorry, Sir Robert.

(Aboard a train engine after a wreck) First Driver: Fred? Stoker: Yeah? First Driver: We haven't heard the last of this.

(Recounting the railway accident) Joseph Finsbury: I was in the water closet of the Bournemouth express when it quite unaccountably exploded, thereby extensively damaging the rest of the train. I can't really think that I was to blame, although at the time I was smoking.

Morris Finsbury: Now what we need is a venal doctor. John Finsbury: But - Uncle Joseph's dead! It's too late! Morris Finsbury: Not for him, for us! Now, you remember that chambermaid you got into... um... John Finsbury: ... thing. Morris Finsbury: Thing. Who was the doctor who did the, um... John Finsbury: ... thing. Uh, Pratt, Dr Pratt. Morris Finsbury: Was he venal? John Finsbury: I - I didn't like to ask. Morris Finsbury: Well, did he do the... John Finsbury: ... thing. Yes. Morris Finsbury: Good. John Finsbury: But... what's he got to do with it? Morris Finsbury: He's part of the plan. Now you and I are the only two people in the world who *know* that Uncle Joseph is, uh... John Finsbury: ... thing. Morris Finsbury: ... dead.

(the doctor, owner of dozens of cats, is coughing) Dr Pratt: I'm all right; it's just a fur ball; it's nothing. Strangely, I haven't had fur for a fortnight.

Dr Pratt: Well, it'll cost you five shillings. Morris Finsbury: Price is no object. Dr Pratt: Right. Ten shillings, then. Payable in advance.

Morris Finsbury: I collect eggs, Doctor. Dr Pratt: Eggs, yes. Oh, I enjoy an egg myself, yes. They don't make good pets, though; you can never get them in at night.

(about parents) Julia Finsbury: Oh, I only knew mine vaguely. My father was a missionary. He was eaten by his Bible class.

(last lines) Detective: All right, come on, come on, what's going on? Come on, what is it? Come on! Clergyman: Please, sir, I beg of you, there's a dead man here. Detective: All right, no one move! (long pause while he realizes it's a church burial) Finsbury? Michael Finsbury, Julia Finsbury, Masterman Finsbury, Joseph Finsbury, Morris, John Finsbury: Yes? Detective: MORRIS Finsbury! John Finsbury: (turning Morris around and pointing at him) Yes. Detective: Morris Finsbury, I arrest you for stealing £100,000. Lawyer Patience: But the money has been returned, sir. Detective: Who are you, sir? Some sort of accomplice? Lawyer Patience: Certainly not: I am his solicitor. Detective: Oh, you've brought your solicitor with you, have you? Yes, I've met your type before. Lawyer Patience: No, no, no. I mean, I, I, I'm the administrator of the tontine. Detective: Tontine? Joseph Finsbury: Named after Lorenzo Tonti, a Neapolitan banker. Detective: And who are you, sir? Joseph Finsbury: I - Masterman Finsbury: (interrupting) He's nobody. He's my young brother. Detective: And who are you, sir? Masterman Finsbury: None of your business, sir! Detective: I shall have you arrested for indecent exposure! Julia Finsbury: Oh! Michael Finsbury: My grandfather was recently buried, sir. Detective: And who are you, sir? Julia Finsbury: He is Michael Finsbury. Detective: And who are YOU, madam? Michael Finsbury: She is Julia Finsbury, shortly to become... Julia Finsbury! Detective: Young man, did you know there was a body in the piano? Peacock: I did it. Detective: Who is he? Michael Finsbury: He is the butler, sir. Detective: The butler did it? Michael Finsbury: No, sir. I put the body there. Detective: Is this true? Michael Finsbury: Yes sir. Detective: In that case, you are entitled to a reward of £1,000. You are responsible for bringing the Bournemouth Strangler to his just end. Michael Finsbury: A, a thousand pounds? Oh, but I-I-I don't, I don't deserve it. The body just arrived in a barrel. John Finsbury: I sent it. Detective: And who are you, sir? Morris Finsbury: He is of diminished responsibility, officer. It was all my doing. If there's any justice in this naughty world, the reward is mine. Detective: And WHO are YOU? (falls into open grave) Morris Finsbury: You remember me - Morris Finsbury. I was falsely accused of stealing a hundred thousand pounds, whereas in fact it was me, and me alone, who was responsible for bringing the Bournemouth Strangler to his just desserts.

Michael Finsbury: (examining a Classical Greek statue) Is it a fraud, Peacock? Peacock: Life is a fraud, Master Michael.

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