Hank Venture: What happened? I thought I picked rock. Dean Venture: So did I! Dr Venture: And I picked two beautiful kidneys! I feel freakin' amazing!

Molotov Cocktease: Brock Samson, you dog. Brock Samson: Molotov, you bitch.

Dr Venture: Dean, what are you doing in there? I need to take a shower. Dean Venture: I'm practicing being a boyfriend, Pop! Dr Venture: Never mind, Dean.

Hank Venture: Brock, I've thought a lot about it, and if we can't get the antidote in time, and it comes down to it, I - well, I want you to be the one to kill me Brock Samson: Don't talk like that, Hank. We're gonna fi... Hank Venture: Promise me, Brock! Brock Samson: OK. Hank Venture: Promise? Brock Samson: Yes, I promise. Hank Venture: Super swear? Brock Samson: Yes, Hank! Hank Venture: Hey, Brock? Brock Samson: (sighs) Yeah? Hank Venture: How would you do it? Brock Samson: You're asleep, quick jerk of the neck, never feel a thing. Hank Venture: You've thought about this. Brock Samson: Yes, I have.

Baron Ünderbheit: Catclops! What have you to report? Catclops: Tourism has skyrocketed at the Well of Bitter Sorrows and the Ünderbheit Birth Crevasse since you enacted the mandatory attendance edict. Baron Ünderbheit: Told you. Girl Hitler? Girl Hitler: Benzene chewables have doubled production in ze child slave mines. Dilly-dallying saw a brief spike, but ve stabilized it by removing ze feet of the alpha males, UND DE POPULAR GIRLS! Baron Ünderbheit: Good! Good!

(Baron Ünderbheit offers a "parting gift" to his traitorous minions) Catclops: Tiger balm. I don't get it. Girl Hitler: Oh, maybe he's saying he's sore at us, and so he's giving us balm to soothe. Catclops: That's retarded. Sir, what exactl... ? (Baron Ünderbheit is nowhere to be seen.) Catclops: Where'd he go? I knew it, I knew it! He's gonna kill us, isn't he? (Tigers emerge from the walls and attack the minions) Catclops: Aw, crap! Manservant: (outside in the hall) Shall I have the maintenance crew clean the room, my master? Baron Ünderbheit: No, not yet, Manservant. (the Baron presses a remote control, activating a device strapped to the tigers) Girl Hitler: Ohhhh. Tiger *bomb!*

Hank Venture: Wuss! Dean Venture: Knock it off! Hank Venture: Wuss! Dean Venture: Knock it off! Dr Venture: Boys! for the last time, stop! Brock is trying to drive. Brock Samson: (to boys) I'm cool. Hank Venture, Dean Venture: (at each other) He started it! Dr Venture: No, *I* started it years ago in a moment of passion, and I'll end it the same way, right here, in front of Brock, H.E.L.P.eR., and God!

Pirate Captain: Sit on my lap, son. It's story time Dean Venture: I don't want to sit in your lap!

Dean Venture, Hank Venture: GO TEAM VENTURE! Brock Samson: ... I dunno, they just do that.

Hank Venture: Check out the elephants! Dean Venture: You can tell which are the males, because they're the ones with tusks. Hank Venture: Dude, I got no problem telling which are male. Check out the fifth leg on that one! Dean Venture: It's called "a trunk." Hank Venture: It's called "you're a spaz," and that ain't what i'm talkin' about!

Dr Venture: Oh, you don't know when to stop with all this, do you? You just keep pushing my buttons! The Monarch: You're my arch-enemy! That's what I do! That's my thing!

(Monarch, in jail, is part of a "Scared Straight" program to convince at-risk teens from becoming supervillans) The Monarch: You think you're hot shit in a champagne glass, but you're really cold diarrhea in a Dixie cup!

(Dr Byron Orpheus is dramatically claiming to watch over Hank and Dean, while equally dramatic music plays in the background) Dr Byron Orpheus: Pumpkin! Get me my cloak. Triana Orpheus: Why don't you wear the... (Music dies) Dr Byron Orpheus: All right, fine. Get me my... (Music resurges) Dr Byron Orpheus: Blue Windbreaker!

(Dr Venture has just saved the life of his deformed twin, whom Dr Venture tried to kill in the womb) Jonas Venture Jr.: Looks like botched attempted fratricide runs in the family.

(about Jonas Venture Jr, a baby-sized person with the face of Dr Venture's father) Dr Byron Orpheus: What is... Brock Samson: That's Doc's deformed twin brother he absorbed in the womb, who's come back for revenge. But now they've made up, so... (Long pause) Dr Byron Orpheus: 'Kay.

(staring at the mangled and burned bodies of Hank and Dean while Brock watches on, and Dr Orpheus weeps) Dr Venture: All right. Get their clothes.

(Race Bannon, the 'Brock Sampson' of Jonny Quest, is dying) Race Bannon: Do me a favor, Brock. Brock Samson: Anything, old friend. Race Bannon: Tell... Jonny... I love... (Race dies, and all bow their heads. A pause, and a loud farting sound plays) Dean Venture: Ewww! I didn't know they... Ew! Brock Samson: Yeah, they never show that part on TV.

(Hank is infected with a serum that will turn him into a bomb. Brock and Dean try and calm him down) Hank Venture: Dude, what is with you? Why are you so calm about this? Dean Venture: Because Hank, we're not just any poor suckers... we're the Venture Brothers! Our dad's a supergenius with, like, chemistry stuff. He can fix this, no prob! Brock Samson: Dean, we don't even know where your dad is; he's sequestered in some secret think-tank, and this is... well, this is kinda out of his league, honestly. (Panicking) Dean Venture: We're all gonna die! (Dean tries to run off)

(referring to her old, skimpy costume) Dr Girlfriend: I can't believe you saved it. What are these hard chunks? Phantom Limb: My... tears. (Present Day) The Monarch: *Tears*? You have to be kidding me! You know that sick, deformed slob... you know he was pounding his invisible meat all over that skimpy... Dr Venture: Thats it! Objection! Your honor, I have children listening to this potty talk. Judge: Sustained. I want that last part stricken from the record. And my mind.

(opening a bathroom door, hovering above the ground, with dramatic music playing) Dr Byron Orpheus: Do not be too hasty in entering that room. I had Taco Bell for lunch!

Dr Venture: So you see, by applying the basic principles of the scientific method to the matter, we learn very quickly that the myth of the chupacabra is just that - utter crap. Now, if you apply the same principles to Catholicism, an interesting thing occurs...

The Monarch: But see, that's what I'm talking about. Now Venture'll send Samson after the rest of us, and he'll go sickhouse on our asses. I LIKE my ass, gentlemen.

Henchman 1: Here is where you are wrong, my friend. This woman has killed before. Henchman 2: Allegedly. Henchman 1: Okay, whatever. But she was a big girl. We are talking about a large, healthy woman of questionable stability. Henchman 2: Oh, you are totally underestimating the never-say-die scrappiness of a survivor. The Monarch: Hey, guess what? Nobody cares who would win in a crazy fantasy fist-fight between Anne Frank and Lizzie Borden. We never should have brought the henchmen. We're going to be the only ones there with henchmen!

Dr Girlfriend: Sweetie, isn't that the guy from Depeche Mode? The Monarch: Oh, no way! Where? Holy crap, he's with a girl! Dr Girlfriend: Oh yeah, that guy is totally straight. I saw a whole thing about him on the VH1. The Monarch: But he's the guy from Depeche Mode. It's impossible. Dr Girlfriend: Straight. The Monarch: Come on! He's in Depeche Mode!

Brock Samson: You didn't tell me Sasquache was a... a dude. Steve Summers: What, you couldn't tell? Brock Samson: Not until I had to... (shudders) Brock Samson: shave him. Steve Summers: What are you, shy? Sasquache doesn't have anything you haven't seen before. Brock Samson: Sasquache IS something I haven't seen before!

Brock Samson: Boys, you don't want to shoot me. You know me. You know what I'll do to you if you do.

Brock Samson: You did this! You did this, didn't you? RRRAH! Baron Ünderbheit: As usual, your detective skills are impeccable, Samson. You have succeeded in exposing my sinister plan to lock myself in a dungeon, chained to an albino.

O.S.I. Instructor: Well, let's see here, Mr Samson. On the driving portion, you totalled every car but the one you were driving; on the pistol range, you refused to use a gun. And, uh, oh. Hah! Yeah, here's my favorite: on the written, you drew a little guy with wings from the Led Zeppelin records. Brock Samson: Icarus. So uh... what are you trying to tell me here, little man? That you don't like Zep?

Triana Orpheus: Dad, I can take care of myself, you know. Dr Byron Orpheus: I'm sorry, pumpkin. I trust you to defend your honor. It's just that... MY PUMPKIN'S MAIDENHEAD IS NOT A PRIZE TO BE... Triana Orpheus: DAD!

Dean Venture: Good thinking, bro'a'mine. And I thought I was supposed to be the smart one Hank Venture: Ma Venture didn't raise no fools Dean Venture: W-We don't have a mom, Hank... (awkward silence)

Dr Byron Orpheus: Oh, it must be dreamy to have a costumed nemesis. Chasing you... wringing his gloved hands in concern of your every move. Dr Venture: You're kidding, right? Dr Byron Orpheus: It just seems so romantic.

The Monarch: (in Dr Venture's laboratory) Here I am in the heart of the lion's den and I don't even care! (indicating a machine) I don't even feel like taking a whizz on this! I used to DREAM about taking a whizz on this!

Hank Venture: Dude! She totally digs you! Dean Venture: You think? Hank Venture: No.

Brock Samson: You get the boys... I'll take care of these guys. Dr Venture: Are you sure? There's an awful lot of... Brock Samson: (interrupting, speaking slowly) They hit me with a truck. Dr Venture: Okaaayyy...

Brock Samson: Something big is going down, this place is crawling with Strangers. Hank Venture: Well, you can't expect to know everybody! Brock Samson: No, Hank... Strangers are undercover Guild operatives. Dean Venture: We gotta warn Pop! Brock Samson: No, Dean. This is guild business, your father isn't in any harm. Guild works clean, professional, and surgical. In a way, they're the only organization I still respect. Hank Venture: (dramatically) And they kill clean! Don't let dames get in the way! Brock Samson: (turning to Hank) Honestly, Hank, where do you pick that stuff up? I never see you read! Dean Venture: It's weird, right? Brock Samson: It's like he channels dead crazy people! Hank Venture: (worried) Do you think it's a cry for help?

The Monarch: I wanted to thank you for finding Grover Cleveland's presidential time machine for me. I'll give him your regards.

Dr Byron Orpheus: What powers this device? Dr Venture: Oh, you know, the usual stuff. Dr Byron Orpheus: Dr Venture... Dr Venture: Well, ok, there might have been ONE foreign part. Dr Byron Orpheus: Such as? Dr Venture: A, um... (mutters) Dr Byron Orpheus: What was that? Dr Venture: A, uh... orphan? Dr Byron Orpheus: Did you say... an ORPHAN? This monstrosity is powered by a forsaken child? Dr Venture: Well, not ALL of it! I didn't use the whole thing!

Hank Venture, Dean Venture: GO TEAM VENTURE! Dr Byron Orpheus: Yes, go Team Venture! Dr Venture: Oh for God's sake, don't encourage them.

Dr Venture: (a drunk Brock barges into the dorm room) Who the hell are you? Pete White: I think that's your roommate, Rust.

(Dr Venture appears to be "pregnant" and is taken to the maternity ward) Doctor: Sorry, sir. Medical personnel only beyond this point. Brock Samson: I'm staying with him. I go where he goes. Doctor: Oh. You must be his... partner... then. Brock Samson: Not really. It's more like I work for... Wait a minute! No!

(the Monarch has Brock Sampson right where he wants him) The Monarch: Release the butterflies. (Dead butterflies fall on Brock) The Monarch: Okay, whose job was it to feed the butterflies?

Baron Ünderbheit: You have to give me this one. I've loathed Venture ever since college. The Monarch: Oh, who hasn't, Ünderpants? What makes your case so special? (Ünderbheit groans, points to his metal jaw) The Monarch: Wow, you mean he did that? How? Baron Ünderbheit: Where I come from, a lab partnership is a sacred trust. One is always suppose to look out for one's lab partner. Venture did not. The Monarch: Fine, fine. But you have to understand you can't waltz into the middle of a delicate, high-stakes chess tournament and yell, "King me!" 'cause he bitched up your face.

Dr Byron Orpheus: Orpheus! I am known to men as Dr Orpheus! And mine is to perceive and control the delicate arrangement of the cosmos! Dr Venture: They give out Ph.Ds for that? Dr Byron Orpheus: (in a lowered voice) Junior college upstate, communication major, minor in women's studies. But I assure you, sir, the doctor title was bestowed upon me by a higher power than a mere college professor!

(Brock Samson has torn off an animated statue's arm and is now beating him with it) Hank Venture: Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!

The Monarch: (in a "Scared Straight"-style prison program) What's your name? Dean Venture: Dean Ven... The Monarch: Your name is Bitch! And I own you. You're property! And when I'm tired of having sex with every hole God drilled in your slender frame... King Gorilla! You got a cigarette? (exchange is made) The Monarch: There. I just sold you for a cigarette... and I don't smoke! (finally processes who he's talking to) The Monarch: Holy shit! You're Dean fucking Venture! King, I gotta buy my bitch back. Here's your cigarette. King Gorilla: Fuck you, gimme a dollar.

Dr Venture: (after being attacked by a green creature in Brock's car) What the hell was that? Brock Samson: Chupacabra. They're all over Mexico.

Dr Venture: Oh come on! You're gonna kill me because I had fake sex on graph paper with a girl who barely spoke to you in real life?

Dr Venture: Crap, who am I kidding, my looks are going down the toilet faster than an unwanted pregnancy on prom night.

Brock Samson: After the twist, you'll feel a snap and the body goes ragdoll on you. Hank Venture: And that will knock him out... even more? Brock Samson: That will kill him. Hank Venture: Do I have to? Brock Samson: Alright, fine crybaby. Tie him up and, I guess, gag him. But at the first sign of trouble I want you to at least break both his knees.

Dr Girlfriend: Killing your arch-enemy on Christmas Eve - that's a gift for me? The Monarch: Well, I got you some stocking-stuffers too...

(Dr Venture is holding a yard sale) Brock Samson: I just think that with all your advertising... Dr Venture: Who even opens those ValPaks, anyway? Brock Samson: You have some dangerous machinery for sale here; I think you're beggin' for trouble on this one. Dr Venture: I thought you handled all that. And I don't hear any big ideas from you on how to get some quick cash; come on! Most of this stuff is old crap my dad left behind. Brock Samson: DOC! YOU HAVE A TABLE OVER THERE WITH A SIGN THAT SAYS, "LASER DEATH RAY BARGAIN BIN!"

Henchman 2: Come on! They have one female servicing a large group of males. That implies a species that lays eggs. Henchman 1: Oh my God, you're crazy! They're so obviously mammals! Henchman 2: Please! She'd be in estrus 24/7 if she didn't lay eggs. Henchman 1: Smurfs don't lay eggs! I won't tell you this again! Papa Smurf has a fucking beard! They're mammals!

Dr Venture: I have something to show you all! Those of you with weak stomachs should leave now! What you are about to see is a nightmare, inexplicably torn from the pages of Kafka! (reveals he has transformed into a large caterpillar) Hank Venture: Holy crap! What happened? Dr Venture: Apparently this is the reward I get for years of screwing with super-science. In short, I pissed in God's eye - and He blinked. Hank Venture: (pokes Dr Venture) Golly, does it hurt? Dr Venture: No. But the poking does, let's stop that now. Hank Venture: Sorry. Hey, what's H.E.L.P.eR. gotten into? (H.E.L.P.eR. is holding Dr Venture's shed skin) Dr Venture: That appears to be my dermis. Hank Venture: Wow! Bet if you put that under your pillow, the Tooth Fairy'll give you, like, a grand! Dr Venture: Okay, Hank? You are taking this way too well. Hank Venture: Well, gee Dad, we've seen a lot of strange stuff over the years. Last week we were fighting a giant dinosaur! Dr Venture: Granted, but I wasn't the dinosaur! Can't you see where this is maybe different?

Dr Venture: Dean! Have you been shooting dope into your scrotum? You can tell me! I'm hip!

Dean Venture: Hank! I had my pubes shaved. I'm gonna put them under the pillow for the tooth fairy! Hank Venture: Did the doctor see that creepy dog dork of yours? Dr Venture: Hank, don't brag to your brother about your circumcision.

Dean Venture: I'll be sleeping in a room right next to Triana. And then she'll hear, like, thunder or something, and she'll run into my room all scared and stuff. And I'll be like, "Hush, my darling. It's just ionized air molecules expanding." And she'll be like, "Oh, hold me." And then I'll, like... Hank Venture: Dude! If we stay here, that means that we'll be Dr Orpheus's kids. And that means Triana will be your sister. And that means you two will have extra-retard babies.

Dr Byron Orpheus: There is a television behind the El Greco. Sadly, the remote has vanished from the material sphere! So it's stuck on Animal Planet.

Brock Samson: Don't you have nothing else to do but harp on Dr Venture? Why haven't you tried the World Domination thing, you afraid of the big leagues? The Monarch: Please. How stupid do I look to you? World Domination. I'll leave that to the religious nuts or the Republicans, thank you.

Dr Venture: Why is it every time I need to get somewhere, we get waylaid by jackassery?

Triana Orpheus: Hey, how come I never see you in school? Dean Venture: I'm tutored by a box my pop made. It gets so hot... in the box my pop made... Triana Orpheus: That's kinda screwy.

Dr Venture: What would I do without you, Brock? Brock Samson: You would've died.

Pete White: This next one's a dedication to Leslie Cohen, from her little buddy, Mike Sorayama. And he writes, "Leslie, I masturbate furiously to your picture every night. Please notice me. Love, Mike."

Brock Samson: Whatever you do, Hank, don't light a cigarette. One of those could be seen for miles. Hank Venture: Brock, I don't smoke. Brock Samson: Good. Now's a lousy time to start.

Brock Samson: Now, Hank, touch your throat. That tube you feel is your trachea. Think of it as your handle. That thing your thumb is on is your carotid artery. Think of it as your button. I want you to grab the handle, push the button. Can you repeat that, Hank? Hank Venture: (gasping) Grab the handle, push the button. Brock Samson: Let go of your own throat, Hank.

Ghost Pirate 1: Where are the keys? Brock Samson: In my ass. Ghost Pirate 2: What if he's bluffing? Ghost Pirate 1: And if he's telling the truth, that would be better?

Dean Venture: Hank and I just woke up on the floor. We were playing Ouija and a guy hypnotized us. Dr Venture: Dean? Dean Venture: With his magical Dracula powers. Dr Venture: Dean I'm going to turn around now and you'd better be on fire. You're standing there in flames and the only person who can put you out is me! Because that is the only conceivable reason that you would wake me up like this!

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