The State
1993
Dad: All's fair in love and war, Timmy. Timmy: Which one is this, Dad? Dad: Both!
Barry, Levon: AAAAWWWW yeah!
Ms Grant: But what about my husband, General Lee, and the country? Abe Lincoln: I don't care about America, all I care about is sex and booze and pills. Damn this country and everyone in it.
Guy in library: Maybe you should try pants.
Announcer: And now Louie, the guy who comes in and says his catchphrase over and over again. Louie: Hey, everybody! All: Hey, Louie! Louie: Hey, who's got something to drink? Woman: I do... over there. Louie: What is it? Woman: A martini. Louie: A martini? I wanna dip my balls in it! (Crowd cheers) Louie: Hey, whatcha got there? Flemish Terrorist #3: It's an M-16. What do you want with it? Louie: What do I want with it? I wanna dip my balls in it! Flemish Terrorist #2: I find him infectious and amusing this Louie character. Louie: Who's got some deviled eggs? Woman: I do. Louie: I wanna dip my balls in it. Man: Monogrammed silk handkerchief. Louie: I would like to dip my balls in it. Flemish Terrorist #2: Silence! Louie... a hand grenade? Louie: Ah hell who gives a damn? I wanna dip my balls in it! Flemish Terrorist #3: Top secret documents? Louie: I wanna file them! Crowd: Awwwwww... Louie? Louie: You've heard it all before. Man: No we haven't! Louie: You've heard it all before. Flemish Terrorists: No... *we* haven't. Louie: You've heard it all before! All: No we haven't! Flemish Terrorist #1: Say the catchphrase or the Prime Minister dies! Prime Minister: Don't say it on my account, Louie. Louie: I'm sorry, I can't say it. All: Louie! Louie! Louie! Louie! Louie: Hey, everybody... All: I wanna dip my balls in it!
Tammy Wilkins: I guess I'll keep making these, as long as I stay bored in high school... which shouldn't be a problem, 'cause high school's really boring.
Louie: I wanna dip my balls in it.
Kerri: When you're out there on the court shooting hoops, you want a shoe that's gonna give you an edge. You want a sneaker that makes piggy sounds every time you step down on the heel. And that's just what our shoes do: they make piggy sounds every time you step down on the heel. Piggy-Shoes: they make piggy sounds every time you step down on the heel. Isn't it about time your shoes made sounds like a piggy from the heel when you stepped down on 'm?
Kevin: (singing) It's a marvelous day at the porcupine racetrack; we'll watch them little porkies run! The sun, the track and porcupines! Kerri: (singing) A recipe for fun! Ben: Racing form, Mr Johnson? Kevin: Why, thank you, Jimmy! Here, get yourself a licorice whip!
Michael Showalter: (echoing) Let's consider the gate "off-limits"... as a favor to me...
Kerri: Before I found Fluffy-Soft, my clothes weren't half as soft as they are now! Bear Puppet: Because Fluffy-Soft... (Kerri sees it, screams and beats the crap out of it with the iron) .
Ken: I'm aware of my... pants.
Various: I'm going to take a handful of bumpy chicks and loose them into my pants!
Various: And then what Commandant Wheeler, I'm Doug, and I may not be the brightest tool in the shed, but I had sex with my girlfriend for 2 hours once.
Michael: We all have secrets, for example... Tom, you are on... Thomas: Speed. Michael: Oh. I was gonna say 'probation'. Thomas: Whatever. hehe whatever, what-ever...
Captain Monterey Jack: Brrring! Brrrring! Hello Cheese? No - Cheese can't dial a phone!
Old-Fashioned Guy: Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I think we should worship the sun and moon as powerful gods... and fear them.
Barry: Now I know what you're thinkin' LeVon: Barry and Le Von, where did you get two-hundred and forty dollars? Barry: (shake head and put finger to mouth) Shhhhhh. LeVon: Aw yeah. Barry: Don't worry your pretty little head about it, baby LeVon: It ain't your concern.
Barry Lutz: Dr Crank, in your many years of primate research, you've developed... Dr Crank: Uh, research is such a restrictive term. I feel I've opened up a whole new arena of experimentation which I call "Monkey Torture".
Doug: I'm Doug and I'm out of here.
Ken: You know, I wouldn't mind having another serving of this... well what is this, fish? Kerri: Oh no, it's muppet! Ken: M... muppet? Kerri: Oh yes, we backed over one in the driveway yesterday and it just seemed a shame to let it go to waste. Now we've become quite the hunters. Would you like to see how to catch one? (Walks over to open window and calls through it:) Gee, I wish someone was here who could help me count to three! Muppet: (Appears in the window) Golly gosh! I'd be glad to... Kerri: (Grabs muppet and snaps it's neck brutally) See how easy?
Old-Fashioned Guy: Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but it seems to me that when the giant that holds up the earth dies, we are screeewwwed!
Various: It's hard enough fitting both the mail and the tacos in here. I'll level with you. These bags weren't designed for tacos. Various: That's kind of what I'm getting at, Jake. Various: Well, don't tell me you don't like the tacos. Various: (gets close, in his face) Jake, I love the tacos. They're maybe the best tacos I've ever had. But I think if I had to choose between the mail, and the tacos, I have to choose the mail. Various: Okay, I'm gonna take a breath here. I think you might be saying something you don't quite mean. What I'm hearing is, you don't want the tacos. Various: (drives by on the street) (stops) Great tacos today, Jake!