(Apu is shot) Apu: Ah. The searing kiss of hot lead; how I missed you. I mean, I think I'm dying.

(after Milhouse moves out of town, Skinner and Willie are shocked to learn that Bart and Lisa have become best friends) Groundskeeper Willie: It won't last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies. Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland! Principal Skinner: You Scots sure are a contentious people. Groundskeeper Willie: You just made an enemy for life!

Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7: 26. "The foolish man who built his house upon the sand." Homer: (pointing a finger) And you remember (thinks) Matthew... 21: 17. Reverend Lovejoy: (confused) "And he left them and went out of the city, into Bethany, and he lodged there?" Homer: Yeah. Think about it.

(after writing a death threat to Bart in blood, Bob starts writing another letter with his bleeding finger) Sideshow Bob: "Dear 'Life in These United States,' a funny thing happened to me... " (as his finger bleeds freely, he sways, woozy, and collapses onto the desk) Snake: Use a pen, Sideshow Bob.

Marge: I have a responsibility to raise these children right and, unless you change, I'll have to tell them their father is... well, wicked. Homer: (to Lisa and Bart) Kids, let me tell you about another so-called wicked guy. He had long hair, and some wild ideas, and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was... (thinks) I forget. But the point is... (thinks) I forget that, too. (to Marge) Marge, you know who I'm talking about! He used to drive that blue car.

Bleedin' Gums Murphy: Then there was the time I guest-starred on "The Cosby Show". Cliff Huxtable: Kids, this is your Grandpa Murphy. Rudy Huxtable: But we've got three grandpas already. Cliff Huxtable: This one's the famous jazz musician. Rudy Huxtable: Ah, they all are. Cliff Huxtable: Oh,oh-oh! You see, the kids these days, they listen to the rap music, which gives them the brain damage. With the hippin' and the hoppin' and the bippin' and the boppin', they don't know what the jazz is all about. Y'see, jazz is like Jello pudding... no, that's not it. Jazz is like Kodak film... no, that's not right neither. I've got it, jazz is like the new Coke - it'll be around forever. Bleedin' Gums Murphy: Sigh.

Homer Simpson: Bart's teacher's name is Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall!

Homer: You in charge here? Mr Burns: Yes. Smithers: I'll call security sir. Homer: If you want the kind of employee that takes abuse I'm your man. You can treat me like dirt and I'll still kiss your butt and call it ice cream. Mr Burns: Hold the phone Smithers. I like the cut of your jib. Smithers: But sir this man not only failed the aptitude test he got trapped in a closet on his way out. Mr Burns: I don't care. I haven't been this impressed since a young bootlick named Waylon Smithers. Homer: You mean? Mr Burns: Son you're hired. What's your name? Homer: Homer Simpson. Mr Burns: Simpson eh? I'll remember that name. Homer: WHOO HOO! Only in America could I get a job.

Lisa: Dad, do you know what Schadenfreude is? Homer: No, I don't know what "shaden-frawde" is. (sarcastic) Please tell me, because I'm dying to know. Lisa: It's a German term for "shameful joy", taking pleasure in the suffering of others. Homer: Oh, come on Lisa. I'm just glad to see him fall flat on his butt! (getting mad) He's usually all happy and comfortable, and surrounded by loved ones, and it makes me feel... What's the opposite of that shameful joy thing of yours? Lisa: Sour grapes. Homer: Boy, those Germans have a word for everything!

Lenin Zombie: Must crush capitalism!

Groundskeeper Willie: Ach Wendel. Tis a mighty puddle of puke. Wendel: I'm sorry. Groundskeeper Willie: That's all right lad. You reminded me of why I got into this work in the first place.

Homer: (playing basketball) You da man Carl! I believe you can fly! Carl: You know I'm so sick of peope thinking I'm good at basketball just cause I'm African-American. Carl: (Carl slam-dunks the ball; breaking the backboard) Go Carl! Go Carl! It's ma birthday! It's ma birthday! 3P you got mail baby!

Bart: Hey, Lis. I think I got your lunch. (He hands Lisa a note from his lunch bag: "I Am Very Proud Of You") Lisa: Oh yeah, I didn't think this was mine. (She hands Bart a note from her lunch bag: "Be Good. For The Love Of God, Please Be Good")

Herman: When he leaves the Kwik-E-Mart, we start the saturation bombing. You got the water balloons? Bart: Two hundred rounds, sir. Is it okay if they say "Happy Birthday" on the side? Herman: Well, I'd rather they say, "Death From Above," but I guess we're stuck.

(Homer gets shot with a tranquilizer dart) Bart: Dad! Oh, Dad! Homer: Avenge me, son. Avenge my death. (starts snoring loudly)

Bart: Uh, ma'am, what if you're a really good person but you're in a really, really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven? Sunday School Teacher: For the last time, Bart, yes!

Krusty the Clown: Hand over all your money in a paper bag! Apu: Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.

Bart: I know Krusty's innocent, and I think I can prove it. But I need your help. Lisa: You do? Why? Bart: Oh, come on, you know why. Lisa: No, why? Bart: I'll never forgive you for making me say this, but... you're smarter than me.

(browsing the card catalog) Lisa: Let's see, Golf... Anecdotes... Eisenhower and... Fashion... Humor... Japanese Obsession With... Ah, here it is: Putting.

Bart: Hey, Lis, what do you call those guys in chess that don't matter? Lisa: Well, a blockaded bishop is of little value, but I think you're referring to a pawn. Bart: Right, I am a pawn.

(preparing for the big miniature golf tournament) Lisa: Eighth hole. Bart: Aim for the octopus's third tentacle. Lisa: Twelfth hole. Bart: Bank it off the pink tombstone. Lisa: Nirvana. Bart: A state of bliss attained through the extinction of the self.

Lisa: Bart, having never received any words of encouragement myself, I'm not sure how they're supposed to sound. But here goes: I believe in you. Bart: Thanks, man.

Lawyer: Your Honor, my client has instructed me to remind the court how rich and important he is, and that he is not like other men. Mr Burns: I should be able to run over as many kids as I want!

(the lawyer asks Marge's opinion of Dr Riviera's competence) Marge: I'm sorry, but my mother said, if you can't say anything nice about someone, you shouldn't say anything at all. Homer: (whispering) Will that hold up in court? Lionel Hutz: No, I've tried it.

(Marge suggests they go out for sushi) Bart: Sushi? Maybe this is just something one hears on the playground, but isn't that raw fish? Lisa: As usual, the playground has the facts right, but misses the point entirely.

(the TV image is shaky) Homer: Time for Dr TV to perform a little surgery. (he hits the TV, and the picture goes fuzzy) Bart: Looks like you lost the patient, Doc.

Principal Skinner: Gentlemen, according to my sources, you are planning to simultaneously drop your pencils at 2: 15 this afternoon. Do so, and you will be suspended.

Grampa: I miss Bea. (Bea's ghost appears next to him) Beatrice Simmons: I miss you, too. (Grampa screams) Beatrice Simmons: Oh, Abraham, calm down, I'm not here to scare you. They've got me haunting a family in Texas. Grampa: Well, I'm glad you're keeping busy.

(at an amusement park, Grandpa is visited by the ghost of his girlfriend) Grampa: Hey, Bea, I've got to ask you: what was death like? (the roller coaster reaches the top) Beatrice Simmons: Not as scary as this!

Doctor: Mrs Simpson, I'm sorry, but your husband suffers from a persecution complex, extreme paranoia, and... bladder hostility. Marge: Doctor, if you just talk to him for five minutes without mentioning our son Bart, you'd see how sane he is. Doctor: You mean there really is a Bart? Good lord!

Marge: Bart, don't use the Touch of Death on your sister.

Bart: AAH! You ate my homework?... I didn't know dogs really did that.

Principal Skinner: The year was 1968. We were on recon in a steaming Mekong delta. An overheated private removed his flack jacket, revealing a T-shirt with an ironed-on sporting the MAD slogan "Up with Mini-skirts!". Well, we all had a good laugh, even though I didn't quite understand it. But our momentary lapse of concentration allowed "Charlie" to get the drop on us. I spent the next three years in a POW camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk, and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can't get the spices right!

(Homer is in a burlesque house. He sees a photograph of President Dwight D. Eisenhower sitting down with two dancers on either side) Homer Simpson: (reading the caption) "President Eisenhower celebrates 40th wedding anniversary. Not pictured: Mrs Eisenhower."

(President Bush has put up a poster on the front of the house with crudely drawn pictures of Homer and Bart on it. It reads 'Two Bad Neighbours') Dr Julius Hibbert: (confused) I don't understand. Are you saying you and Barbara are bad neighbours? George Bush: (annoyed) No, its not Bar and me. It's them! (Bush points at the Simpsons' house) Ned Flanders: Who, Maude and me? George Bush: No, the man and his boy. Ya know. The boy is named Bart. I don't know the name of the man. (calls in to his wife, Barbara) Bar, what's the name of the man? Barbara Bush: (calling out to George) I'm not getting involved, George!

Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?

Bender: Great, you guy are my new best friends! Homer: You wish! (Homer throws Bender out of the car destroying him)

(Lisa is worried about her science project) Homer: Lisa, all you need is a little help from your dad. Lisa: Well, we're supposed to do this without parental help. Homer: Sweetie, that's orphan talk.

Rod Flanders: Are you jealous of Brother Homer? Ned Flanders: Maybe just a little bit. Rod Flanders: I'm jealous of girls 'cause they get to wear dresses. Ned Flanders: One problem at a time, boy.

Homer: We're here, we're Queer, and we don't want any more bears!

Marge: Homer! That side of bacon was for my bridge game tonight! Homer: Marge, if you don't mind, I'm a little busy right now achieving financial independence. Marge: With cans of grease? Homer: (sarcastically) No! Through savings and wise investment. Of course with grease.

Principal Skinner: (over the intercom) Attention please, I need a volunteer for a thankless chore. (Lisa raises her hand) Shall I assume the only hand in the air is Lisa Simpson? Thank you, Lisa.

Homer: Okay, boy. This is where all the hard work, sacrifice, and painful scaldings pay off. Employee: Four pounds of grease... that comes to... sixty-three cents. Homer: Woo-hoo! Bart: Dad, all that bacon cost twenty-seven dollars. Homer: Yeah, but your mom paid for that! Bart: But doesn't she get her money from you? Homer: And I get my money from grease! What's the problem?

Homer: It's true, I'm a rageoholic! I just can't get enough RAGEOHOL! (cries)

Homer: (Counting to himself) Hey Marge what were your gambling losses last year? Marge: $700.

Homer: Let's see I'll have an IRSwich with-hold the lettuce, two independent sized shakes and a fudgichino. Employee: Fill out schedule b. You should receive your burgers in six to eight weeks. Homer: (Homer muttering to himself) Hey Marge. What were your gambling losses last year? Marge: $700.

Bart: Bart no like. Bad medicine

Chief Wiggum: I want to hallucinate, too!

Homer: What are you two laughing at? And if you say Jimmy Fallon, I'll know you're lying!

Father Sean: (recalling what St. Peter said to him) Sean, you wanker, repent of your sins or sod off.

Reverend Lovejoy: (to Father Sean) back off, Popey Le Pew!

Lisa: Dad, look! Lisa: (Holds TV up) Homer: Television! Teacher, mother... Homer: (lustily) ... secret lover. Urge to kill... fading... fading... fading - rising! Fading... fading... gone. (Family sighs) Homer: Come, family. sit in the snow with daddy and let us all bask in TV's warm glowing warming glow. (Hours later, everyone is frozen) man introducing Tony Awards: (on TV) Live, from Broadway, it's the Tony Awards, with your hosts Tyne Daly and Hal Linden! Bart: (With difficulty) Homer... change channel. Homer: Can't! frozen! (music on TV: "One chorus line of people... ") (Family screams) Homer: Urge to kill... rising...

Maggie Simpson: Daddy.

Lionel Hutz: (Hutz is tempted by the bottle of Bourbon during Marge's trial and excuses himself, running to a payphone) Hello, David? I'm really tempted! David Crosby: Just take it one day at a time and know that I love you. Lionel Hutz: I love you too, man.

Lisa: Can we pass out Valentines now Miss Hoover? Miss Hoover: No list. First we're going to cut out and assmble these cardboard mailboxes for everyone to pass them out in. Lisa: But that sounds like it's just mindless busy work! Miss Hoover: Bingo. Start cracking.

Bart: Mom, am I a butch or a femme? Marge: (with hand lifted) Honey, you can be anything you want to be.

Bart: (after they watch a foreign film) I was so bored I cut the pony tail off the guy in front of us. (holds pony tail to his head) Look at me, I'm a grad student. I'm 30 years old and I made $600 last year. Marge: Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They've just made a terrible life choice.

Ned Flanders: I wish we lived in a place more like the America of yesteryear that only exists in the brains of us Republicans.

Marge: (to Bart) Now we have to find another school for you. Homer: And if you get kicked out of that one, you're going straight in the army, where you'll be sent straight to America's latest military quagmire. Where will it be? North Korea? Iran? Anything's possible with Commander Cuckoo-Bananas in charge.

Lisa: That's Latin dad; the language of Plutarche. Homer: Mickey Mouse's dog?

Homer: (after Homer confesses his sins) Woohoo! I'm clean! In your face, lord! Father Sean: Not quite, Mr Simpson. I can only absolve you if you're a Catholic. Homer: Riiiiight. And how do I join? Do I whale on some Unitarians?

Homer: (counting to himself) Hey, Marge, what were your gambling losses last year? Marge: $700.

Redneck Matt Groening: (notices he's being filmed drinking Tequila shots behind his desk) (shouts, heavily accented) Get out of my office! (fires a six-shooter twice)

Grampa: (banging a slipper against a pot in a state of senility) (shouts) The Swedish are coming! The Swedish are coming!

(Tom Brady is riding a scooter down the football field) Tom Brady: (shouts) Everyone sucks but me!

Marge: Homer, have you been licking frogs again ? Homer Simpson: I've not NOT been licking frogs

Michelle Kwan: Beware the wrath of Kwan!

Tim Allen: I did it! I supercharged my ride on! (makes a revving noise) Tim Allen: (hits the reverse pedal, runs over Wilson) Oh, no! I killed Wilson! Looks like it's back to jail for me! Tim Allen: (laughs)

Homer: D'oh!

Homer: (playing poker, gagging and coughing up poker chips) Ew! Don't try to eat these so called "chips". Moe: Are you gonna take some cards, or not? Homer: Oh... heh, yeah. (takes four cards) D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Er, I mean, "woohoo". Moe: I'm in. Lenny: I'm in. Carl: I'm in. Barney: I'm in. (belches) Homer: Aww, I was bluffing. (lays out cards) Moe: Ha, ha, ha! Come to papa! (takes chips and looks at cards) What? You have a straight flush, Homer! Ya do this *every* time! Arrrgh-eeengh-gah! Choking on my own rage here!

Barney: (in Moe's Tavern) And I say, that England's greatest Prime Minister was Lloyd Palmerston! Wade Boggs: Pitney Elder! Barney: Lloyd Palmerston! Wade Boggs: Pitney Elder! Barney: All right Boggs, you asked for it! (punches him out) Moe: Ha, ha, you really showed him, Barn'. (disbelieving) Pitney Elder.. Barney: Lloyd Palmerston! (punches him out)

Homer: (after hitting a deer statue) D'oh! Lisa: A deer! Marge: A female deer!

Homer Simpson: Sometimes, Marge, you just have to go with your gut. Marge: You *always* go with your gut. How about for once you listen to your brain?

Marge: (the Simpsons are touring Toronto, Canada) So, I see you drive on the left up here. Tour Guide: No, ma'am. I'm drunk.

Homer: (deadly serious) I've got two questions. One, where's the fife? Two, give me the fife.

Bart: Can I have a beer? Homer: All right, but not the imported. Marge: Homer! Homer: You've got to set limits, Marge.

Grampa: We're the baddest punks in our age bracket!

Kent Brockman: A new mood is in the air in Springfield, as refreshing as a pre-moistened towelette. Folks are finally accepting their feelings and really communicating with no holding back. And this reporter thinks it's about *beep*ing time!

Homer: Bart, with 10,000 dollars we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things, like... love!

Mr Burns: Oh, so mother nature needs a favor? Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys.

Lisa: So many times we've watched our father go under the knife. Marge: One more and I get a free hysterectomy!

Milhouse: Mrs Krabappel, how will we know when we fall in love? Mrs Krabappel: Oh, don't worry children. Most of you will *never* fall in love, but will marry out of fear of dying alone!

Bart: You're *darn* right I'm upset! Marge: Bart, watch your language! Oh... I guess you did.

Daycare center leader: Mrs Simpson... do you know what a child is saying when it's reaching for the bottle? Marge: ... Baba?

Narrator: Quoth the raven... Bart: Eat my shorts! Homer: D'oh!

Grampa: (to Homer) Make me proud... or at least less ashamed.

(At the Flanders's beach house, after spotting Lisa's friends pasting seashells onto his car) Homer Simpson: Sweet merciful crap! My car!

Lisa: I can believe you're just going to let your daughter live in a world where this... THIS is their role-model. Marge: I had a Malibu Stacy doll when I was little and I turned out all right. Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream. Malibu Stacy Voice: (Lisa pulls on Malibu Stacy's string) Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream. (Marge murmurs) Lisa: That's it I'm calling the company.

Homer: (after Barney has been missing for two months) Barney, where have you been? Barney: All I can remember about the last two months, is giving a guest lecture at Villanova. Or maybe it was a street corner.

Barney: How long is this going to take? Bart: About twenty-two minutes and five seconds. (the average length of an episode without the commercials)

Bart: Milhouse. You were supposed to be the night watchman. Milhouse: I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over, then it fell over. Bart: Wow, I wonder where all the rats are going to go... (the rats run over to Moe's) Moe: All right, everybody tuck your pants into your socks.

(Praying heavenward) Homer: I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!

Homer: I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell?

Comic Book Guy: Stop right there! I have the only working fazer ever built. It was fired only once to keep William Shatner from making another album.

Bart: That ain't been popular than aught-six, dag-nab it! Homer Simpson: What did I tell you? Bart: No talking like a grizzled 1890s prospector. Consarn it.

Lionel Hutz: Mrs Simpson, you're in luck. Your sexual harassment suit is exactly what I need to help rebuild my shattered practice. Care to join me in a belt of scotch? Marge: It's 9: 30 in the morning. Lionel Hutz: Yeah, but I haven't slept in days.

Lisa: I still believe in protecting animal's rights, but that still doesn't excuse what I did. I'm sorry for wrecking your barbecue, dad. Homer: That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too.

Marge: There's no shame in being a pariah.

(On working at the DMV) Patty: Some days we don't let the line move at all. Selma: Yeah, we call those WEEKdays.

Homer: Marge, please, old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use. Marge: Homer, would you please stop reading that Ross Perot pamphlet?

Kent Brockman: I've said it before, and I'll say it again: democracy simply doesn't work.

Bart: I've said it before, and I'll say it again... aye carumba!

Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet? Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man... (laughs hysterically) So to answer your question, I don't know.

Lisa: As you know, we've been swimming. And we've developed a taste for it. We both agree that getting our own pool is the way to go. Now before you respond, you must understand that your refusal would result in months and months of... Lisa, Bart: CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

Homer: Alcohol, the cause of and solution to all life's problems.

Billy Corgan: Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins. Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.

Lou: I went to the McDonald's over in Shelbyville the other day. Chief Wiggum: The Mc-what? Lou: Yeah, I never heard of it either but they say they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone. Eddie: Hmm... Must've sprung up over night. Lou: But you know, it's the little differences. Chief Wiggum: Example. Lou: Well, at a McDonald's you can get a Krusty Burger with cheese. But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese. Chief Wiggum: Get out. What do they call it? Lou: A "Quarter Pounder" with cheese. Chief Wiggum: "Quarter Pounder" with cheese? Well, I can see the cheese but? do they have Krusty's "Partially Gelatinated, Non-Dairy, Gum-Based Beverages"? Lou: Yeah, they call them "shakes." Eddie: Huh. "Shakes." You don't know what you're gettin'.

Krusty the Clown: This I don't need.

Tony Hawk: I hope you don't mind living below a bunch of pro skaters that like to party. Bart: I'll adjust. Tony Hawk: Hey, blink-182. Thomas DeLonge: We have names, you know. Tony Hawk: Whatever. You can crank it up. Mark Hoppus: Dude, let's trash this place. Travis Barker: *After* we get paid. Mark Hoppus: Nice!

Homer: (gets a package that has to be sent out but returns it to Mr Burn's office) Here's your package, Mr Burns! Mr Burns: My name is the return address! Smithers, who is this nincompoop? Homer: (thinking) I've worked here for 10 years and my boss doesn't even know my name! Well, that's going to change right now! Homer: My name is Homer J. Simp... (Homer gets hit on the head with a weight that says 1000 Grams) Mr Burns: Hm, sounded large when I ordered it. I don't think I should bother with these metric booby traps!

Snake: Don't worry Gloria, I'll win you back even if I have to beat this guy to death. Gloria: Snake, beating a man to a bloody pulp isn't going to impress me! Snake: It used to! What if I beat him harder? Gloria: Ugh! You sooo don't get it!

Apu: Ooh! Okay don't try anything funny. I'm armed to the teeth. Lisa: Hey look at this Bart: So? I don't have a pacemaker. Bart: Don't you remember the get well card we sent to Krusty? It was after his heart attack. When he had a pacemaker put in. Look at this. Bart: Okay so the poor guy can't read. Can't we get off of his back already? Lisa: How can Krusty read the Springfield Review of Books if he can't read? Apu: Hey! This is NOT a lending library. If you're not going to buy that thing put it back or I'll blow your heads off.

RV salesman: (showing Homer an extremely used RV) Mr Simpson, you'll never own a better RV than this; and I don't mean that in a good way. This is it for you, buddy; this is the best you can afford.

(after discovering Dr Bushnell's illegal diamond mining operation, Lisa examines the scientist's research) Lisa: These are just pictures of monkeys from famous movies! This is disgraceful, Doctor! Dr Bushwell: All right! So I snapped! You don't understand the crushing loneliness and greed.

(Homer goes to the plant credit union to get a loan to buy Lisa a pony) Homer: Uh, I'd like to borrow $5,000. Bank Clerk: Sorry, I can't approve a loan that size myself. (she walks off; Mr Burns and Smithers appear) Mr Burns: Hello. Homer: Aah! Mr Burns: Simpson, eh? How can I help you? Homer: Mr Burns, you do this personally? Mr Burns: Oh, it's a hobby. I'm not in this for any personal gain, heavens no! By the way, are you acquainted with our state's stringent usury laws? Homer: Us-ury? Mr Burns: Oh, silly me! I must have just made up a word that doesn't exist. Now, what is the purpose of this loan? Homer: I want to buy a pony. Mr Burns: Isn't that cute! Smithers, he's planning on joining the horsey set! (lowers voice) That is it, isn't it? You're not planning to eat it? Homer: No, I need to get it for my little girl because she doesn't love me any more... Smithers: Shut up, Simpson. Homer: Sorry. Smithers: Do you have any collateral? Mr Burns: Oh Smithers, let's not be so cold. His spirit is my collateral. Just sign this form, and the money will be yours. Mr Burns: (as Homer begins to sign, Burns starts laughing evilly) Mr Burns: Sorry, I was just, um, thinking of something funny Smithers did today. Smithers: I didn't do anything funny, sir. Mr Burns: (whispering) Shut up!

Mr Burns: I can't be responsible for what my goons are ordered to do.

Bart: Hey, there's a head in this bag! Apu: Uh... That bag is filled with heady goodness.

Homer Simpson: Baby made a boom-boom.

Homer Simpson: Every time i learn something new it pushes some old stuff outta my brain. Remember when i took that wine tasting lesson and I forgot how to drive? Homer Simpson: Remember when i took that wine tasting lesson and I forgot how to drive?

Homer Simpson: I got a hankerin' for some spankerin'!

Marge: Hmmm... Bart, you shouldn't spread bad rumors about people! Remember when you got Grampa tarred and feathered? Bart: Sure I do. That was 20 minutes ago! Grampa: I'm gonna be in the bath for a while...

Homer: Hello. I am Homer Simpson. Or as some of you wags have dubbed me, Father Goose.

Dennis Franz: (portraying Homer in a made-for-TV movie) Now I'm gonna get me some SWEET!

Milhouse: (Milouse crawls out from a tunnel of mattresses, his hand over his nose) It smells funny in there. Homer: No, it doesn't.

Dr Joan Bushell: Every day I get up at 5: 30, watch the chimps, eat a quick lunch of roots and water, then more chimpwatching. After dark, I come home and think about chimps until it's time for bed. Homer: You must be the most boring woman on Earth!

Homer: (after Kentucky Fried Panda has been destroyed by a runaway tree) No! It was finger Ling-Ling good!

Chief Wiggum: (watching lottery drawing, phone rings) No... sorry, you have the wrong number, this is 912.

Homer: Marge there's something that I want to ask you but I'm afraid because if you say no it will destroy me and make me a criminal. Marge: Well, I haven't said no to you yet have I? Homer: Marge... Oh dammit. Marge: What's wrong? Homer: Oh I wrote down what I wanted to say on a card. The stupid thing must have fallen out of my pocket. (horn honking) Marge: Is this it? Homer: Yeah what does it say? Marge: Marge, from the moment I met you I never wanted to be with anyone else. I have nothing to offer you except all of my love. Will you marry me? Homer: That's it. Give it here. Marge: Oh Homer. This is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me. Homer: So will you marry me? Marge: Yes. Homer: Whoo Hoo! She's going to marry me. In your face everyone.

Marge: (Marge has entered a demolition derby) Don't hit me! I'm not like you people, I'm loved!

Ned Flanders: Now remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for... (Homer has already scarfed the donut) Homer: Hey, wait. If I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, do you? Ned Flanders: Well, technically no, but... Homer: I'm smarter than the Devil. I'm smarter than the Dev... (Flanders turns into a huge demon) Ned Flanders: You are not smarter than me. i'll see you in hell yet, Homer Simpson.

(Krusty is trying to talk Sideshow Mel into quitting his job a fast-food joint) Krusty the Clown: But you gotta come back, Mel! We're a team! Sideshow Mel: No, Krusty, you always treated me rather shabbily. On our last show, you poured liquid nitrogen down my pants, and cracked my buttocks with a hammer! Krusty the Clown: Ah, come on. You wanna spend your life hanging out with a bunch of dorky teenagers? Squeeky-Voiced Teen: Here's your taco, Mister. Whoops. It fell in the fryer. I'll get it out. Ow! Ow! Ow-w-w! Ow-w-w! Sideshow Mel: Sorry Krusty, I like it here. Mr Johansen treats me with dignity. Mr Johansen: Is this clown bothering you, Mel? Sideshow Mel: It's all right, Mr Johansen, I'll handle it. Squeeky-Voiced Teen: Here's your taco, sir. Krusty the Clown: I don't want it! Squeeky-Voiced Teen: But this comes out of my salary! If I had a girlfriend, she'd kill me.

Sideshow Bob: Because you need me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may move you to vote Democratic, but deep down you long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king. That's why I did this, to save you from yourselves. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a city to run.

(the Simpsons are housesitting at Mr Burns' mansion. They are eating dinner at Mr Burns' oversized dinner table) Marge: This all seems a little elaborate for Sloppy Joes. I know what the other 12 forks are for, but I don't know what to do with this one. Homer: Why Marge my dear, I believe you are supposed to scratch your ass with it. Marge: Homer! (scratches rear with fork) Ooh...

Robot 1: Hey, these cards are mine. (table falls) Robot 2: Now look what you've done. Robot 1: I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. Robot 3: Let's forget this whole thing happened. Homer: What the heck is this, a tea party? Somebody kill somebody. (Homer smashes a bottle on a robot's head. The robots begin to shoot Homer, who dives under a table) Marge: What is it with you and robots?

Lisa's Brain: They're only using you for your pool, you know. Lisa: Shut up, brain! I got friends now, I don't need you anymore.

Milhouse: Bart, I don't want you to see me cry. Bart: Aw come on, I've seen you cry a million times. You cry when you scrape your knee, you cry when we're out of chocolate milk, you cry when you're doing long division and you have a remainder left over. Milhouse: Well, I didn't want you to see me cry THIS time.

Milhouse: (while leading Bart into a cave) This is where I come to cry.

(Krusty the Klown cast members are eating lunch) Sideshow Mel: BAH! There's cheese in this sandwich. Surely you know I'm lactose intolerant. Bart: Sorry! Sideshow Mel: Sorry? Do you know how sick this is going to make me? Oh boy! Come stand outside the bathroom. I want to yell at you some more... (Mel yells from inside the bathroom) WHY YOU LITTLE RAPSCALLION! Bart: Show business sucks. I'm outta here.

Homer: I don't need your pity or your money. (pockets money) Ron Howard: Usually when you say that, you give the money back.

(Homer has been thrown out of an all-you-can-eat restaurant for eating too much) Lionel Hutz: This is the most blatant case of false advertising since my suit against the movie The Neverending Story. Homer: So, do you think I have a case? Lionel Hutz: Mr Simpson, I don't use the word 'hero' lightly, but you are the greatest hero in American history. Homer: Woohoo!

Bart: Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here? Leonard Nimoy: Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near. Bart: (flippantly) Uh-huh. Hot Dog Vendor: Hey Spock, what do you want on your hot dog? Leonard Nimoy: Surprise me.

Mulder: Mr Simpson, we want you to recreate your every move the night you saw the alien. Homer: The evening began at the gentlemen's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon. Scully: Mr Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI. Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Happy?

(the Be-Sharps perform on a building rooftop) George Harrison: It's been done.

Mr Burns: A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow... and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.

Mark Hamill: Hey, pal, that's my face up there next to the pepper steak, and don't you forget it. Louie: You're all talk, Hamill. You never even finished Jedi school.

Willy: (thinking) No, no, go easy on the wee one. His father's going to go crazy and chop 'em all into haggis. Bart: What's haggis? Willy: Boy, you read my thoughts! You've got the shinning! Bart: You mean shining. Willy: Shh! You want to get sued?

Lisa: (about her state costume) I'm a monster! Homer: No, lisa, you're not a monster. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother, and I call him Gamblor! We nust save your mother from his neon claws!

(Flanders, a zombie, approaches Homer) Ned Flanders: Hey, Simpson. I'm feeling a might peckish. Mind if I chew your ear? (Homer kills Flanders by blasting his head apart with a shotgun) Bart: Dad! You killed the zombie Flanders. Homer: He was a zombie?

(the Red Hot Chili Peppers are performing on Krusty's show) Krusty the Clown: Now, boys, the network has a problem with some of your lyrics. Do you mind changing them for the show? Anthony Kiedis: Forget it, you clown. Chad Smith: Yeah, our lyrics are like our children, man. No way. Krusty the Clown: Well, okay, but here where it says, "What I got you gotta get and put it in ya," how about just, "What I'd like is I'd like to hug and kiss ya." Flea: Wow. That's much better. Arik Marshall: Everyone can enjoy that.

Kent Brockman: (after Michael Moore has given Kent a ridiculous statistic) Where did you get that statistic? Michael Moore: Your Mother!

(TV executives want Homer for a TV ad about bald and impotent men) Homer: Well, I am bald and important!

Homer: God bless those pagans.

(George Washington appears in Lisa's dream, urging her to reveal the truth about the town's founder. Lisa wakes up yelling:) Lisa: I want to help you, George Washington. Bart: (walking by her room) "I want to help you... George Washington"? Man, even your dreams are square.

Bart: As God is my witness, I CAN pass the fourth grade! Homer: And if you don't pass, you'll still be bigger than the other kids.

Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.

Mr Burns: You're fired. Marge: You can't fire me just because I'm married. I'm gonna sue the pants off of you. Mr Burns: You don't have to sue me to get my pants off.

Mr Burns: Thank you, come again. Smithers, release the hounds.

Apu: (two bullies walk out with store merchadise) Thank you steal again.

Bart: Can't sleep, clown will eat me!

Apu: Yeah I finked on Homer but he deserved it. Never have I seen such abuse of the "Take A Penny, Leave A Penny" Tray.

Homer: (picks up Maggie as he watches a Thanksgiving football game) See those blue and silver guys, Maggie? They're the Dallas Cowboys. They're Daddy's favorite team, and he wants them to lose by at least three points.

Homer: (dancing and singing in a devil suit near a grave that says "good Homer") I am Evil Homer I am Evil homer!

Actor Homer: I do not miss Bart at all. Actor Marge: I am glad he's gone. Actress Lisa: As am I. Actor Homer: (drops sandwich) Boh! Bart: It's probably my imagination but something about them didn't seem quite right. Mr Burns: Really? excuse me for just a moment. Mr Burns: (Mr.Burns walks from the control room out into the studio where cameras have been set up along with a fake living room of the Simpsons' place) People, that was all wrong. Homer Simpson does not say Boh! He says. (checks script) Doh!

Cletus: He really speaks to me, the average Joe six-tooth. Cletus's Wife: When did you get another tooth? Cletus: The sidewalk.

(when the plant is bought by super-efficient Germans, Homer becomes terrified that he will be fired) Horst: Homer, could we have a word with you? Homer: (Nervous) No. Horst: I must have phrased that bad. My English is, how you say, inelegant. I meant to say, may we have a brief, friendly chat? Homer: Noooo! Horst: Once again I have failed. Horst: (Opens "German to English" dictionary) Horst: We request the pleasure of your company for a free exchange of ideas. Homer: NOOOOO! (Runs away screaming)

Rev. Lovejoy: And now, please rise for our opening hymn "In The Garden Of Eden" by I. Ron Butterfly. (as the song is playing) Rev. Lovejoy: Wait a minute... this sounds like rock and/or roll.

Homer: Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau? Apu: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it. Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.

Dealer: 19. Homer: Hit me. Dealer: 20. Homer: Hit me. Dealer: 21. Homer: Hit me. Dealer: 22. Homer: D'oh!

(the Simpsons have accidentally built a barn from a pool kit) Homer: All right, everybody in the pool. Amish Farmer: 'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English. Homer: D'oh-eth!

(after Homer runs over a deer) Homer: D'oh! Lisa: A deer! Marge: A female deer.

Homer: But wait. You can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him. I'm Homer Simpson. Fat Tony: The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club? Homer: Uh... actually my name is Barney. Barney Gumble. Legs: The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister? Homer: Uh, actually my real name is uh, think Krusty, think, Joe Valachi. Louie: The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about organized crime? Homer: Benedict Arnold. Legs: The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British? Homer: D'oh!

(Homer yelps as Smithers and Mr Burns drag him through a cemetary in a bag) Smithers: Listen, sir! Did you hear that? Mr Burns: (mockingly) No I didn't! What was it? Frankenstein? The booger man? Smithers: It's the man in the bag, sir! I think he's alive. Mr Burns: Oh. (beats Homer with shovel) Mr Burns: Bad corpse! Bad corpse! Stop... scaring... Smithers! Satisfied? Smithers: Thank you, sir.

Marge: I'm sure you'll make plenty of friends. All you have to do is be yourself. Lisa: Be myself? I've been myself for eight years and it hasn't worked.

Bart: You lie like a fly with a booger in its eye. Homer: (laughing) The fly was funny, but the booger was the icing on the cake.

(Lisa and Mr Burns are collecting cans at the beach) Mr Burns: You mean there are actually people who will pay good money for garbage? Lisa: Not good money, really. Each can'll get you a nickel. Mr Burns: Ooh, don't poo-poo a nickel, Lisa. A nickel will buy you a steak and kidney pie, a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake and a newsreel... with enough change left over to ride the trolley from Battery Park to the polo grounds. Lisa: (unimpressed) There's a can.

Chief Wiggum: Oh, man, what a day. It's no cakewalk being a single parent, juggling a career and family like so many juggling balls... two, I suppose.

(Burns learns about the stock market crash of 1929) Mr Burns: Oh no. Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash? Smithers: Well, sir, it happened 25 years before I was born. Mr Burns: Oh, that's your excuse for everything.

Lisa: Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon.

Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

Lisa: I'm studying for the math fair. If I win, I'll get a brand new protractor. Homer: Too bad we don't live on a farm.

Mulder: Look at this, Scully: there has been another unsubstantiated UFO sighting in the heartland of America. We've got to get there right away. Scully: Well, gee Mulder, there's also this report of a shipment of drugs and illegal weapons coming into New Jersey tonight. Mulder: I hardly think the FBI is concerned with matters like that.

Lisa: I like him. He's smart, he's sensitive, he's clearly not obsessed with his physical appearance... Homer: (walking by) My ears are burning. Lisa: Uh, I wasn't talking about you, Dad. Homer: No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside so I lit a Q-Tip. Marge: Mmm...

Homer: God is teasing me. Just like he teased Moses in the desert. Marge: *Tested,* Homer. God *tested* Moses.

Moe: Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.

Moe: I've been planning this vacation for years. I'm finally going to see Easter Island. Homer: Oh, right, with the giant heads. Moe: With the what now?

Reverend Lovejoy: This so-called new religion is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants, designed to take away the money of fools. Now let's say the Lord's Prayer 40 times, but first, let's pass the collection plate.

Kang: Holy fleurking schnit!

Kang: Oh, you look lovely this evening. Have you decreased in mass?

Kent Brockman: ... and the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.

(after Homer turns on the Christmas lights) Bart: It's craptacular.

Marge: Bart, stop pestering Satan.

Mr Burns: Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a five percent pay cut.

Principal Skinner: Children, I couldn't help monitoring your conversation. There's no mystery about Willy. Why, he simply disappeared. Now, let's have no more curiosity about this bizarre cover-up.

Shopkeeper: Take this object, but beware: it carries a terrible curse. Homer: Oooh, that's bad. Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free Frogurt. Homer: That's good. Shopkeeper: The Frogurt is also cursed. Homer: That's bad. Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of toppings. Homer: That's good. Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate. (Homer looks puzzled) Shopkeeper: That's bad. Homer: Can I go now?

(Bart's looking for his dog) Willy: Yeah, I bought your mutt - and I 'ate 'im. (Bart gasps) I 'ate 'is little face, I 'ate 'is guts, and I 'ate the way 'e's always barkin'. So I gave 'im to the church. Bart: Ohhh, I see... you HATE him, so you gave him to the church. Willy: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug. (Bart stares) Ya heard me.

Grampa: Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife? Homer: Never mind, you wouldn't understand. Grampa: Flu? Homer: No. Grampa: Protein deficiency? Homer: No. Grampa: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis? Homer: No. Grampa: Unsatisfying sex life? Homer: N - yes. But please, don't you say that word. Grampa: What, seeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeeeex.

Chief Wiggum: All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is _not_ something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge. Man: Forget about the badge. When do we get the freakin' guns? Chief Wiggum: Hey, I told you, you don't get your gun until you tell me your name. Man: I've have it up to here with your "rules". (leaves)

Homer: I don't have to be careful. I have a gun.

(Lisa has had a nightmare) Lisa: Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the boogeyman was after me, and he was hiding under... Homer: AHHHHHHHH! BOOGEYMAN! You nail the windows shut, I'll get the gun! (Homer bursts into Bart's room) Homer: Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a boogeyman or boogeymen in the house! Bart: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Mr Burns: Before you begin, let me make one thing clear to you. I want your legal advice, I even pay for it. But to me you're all vipers. You live on personal injury, you live on divorces, you live on pain and misery. But I'm rambling. Anybody want any coffee? Lawyer: I'll have some coffee. Mr Burns: Want it black, don't you? Black like your heart. It's so hard for me to listen to you, I HATE YOU ALL SO MUCH. I'm sorry, it's my problem, I'll deal with it. Please continue. Lawyer: If you offer Mr Simpson a token sum, say a couple of thou, he'll be so dazzled he'll sign anything you shove under his nose. Mr Burns: Oh, brilliant, a cash settlement. I COULD HAVE FIGURED THAT OUT, YOU BUTTONED-DOWN MAGGOT. Lawyer: Do you have any cream? Mr Burns: Oh yes, of course. Where are my manners?

Bart Simpson: I want to be emancipated! Homer Simpson: Emancipated? Don't you like being a dude?

Mr Burns: We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract. Homer: (thinking) Why is Mr Burns being so nice to me? Mr Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. Homer: (thinking) Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me? Mr Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm? Homer: (thinking) My God. He *is* coming onto me. Mr Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows. (chuckle) (wink) Homer: (thinking) Aaaaaagh! (aloud) Sorry, Mr Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no.

(Bart doing a newscast on a kids news show) Bart: Joe Banks, 82 years young, has come to this pond everyday for the past 17 years to feed the ducks. But last month Joe made a discovery: the ducks were gone. Some say the ducks went to Canada, others say Toronto. And some people think Joe used to sit down there near those ducks. But it could be that there's just no room, in this modern world, for an old man and his ducks.

(Homer lies in a drunken heap) Marge: I've never been so embarrassed in my life. Homer: Why, what did you do?

Barney: I'm Barney Gumble, and I'm an alcoholic. Lisa: Mr Gumble, this is a girl scout meeting. Barney: Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit that you have a problem?

Homer: Here are your messages: "You have thirty minutes to move your car." "You have ten minutes to move your car." "Your car has been impounded." "Your car has been crushed into a cube." "You have thirty minutes to move your cube."

Homer: (singing) My baloney has a first name, it's H-O-M-E-R, my baloney has a second name, it's H-O-M-E-R.

Rainer Wolfcastle: (singing) Mein bratwurst has a first name, it's F-R-I-T-Z / Mein bratwurst has a second name, it's S-C-H-N-A-C-K-E-N-P-F-E-F-F-E-R-H-A-U-S-E-N.

Marge: I'm afraid we're going to need a bigger place. Homer: No, we won't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's crib and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21. Marge: Won't that warp him? Homer: My cousin Frank did it. Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank. Homer: He became Francine in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.

Bleedin' Gums Murphy: My friends call me Bleeding Gums. Lisa: Eww, how'd you get a name like that? Bleedin' Gums Murphy: Well, let me put it this way. You ever been to the dentist? Lisa: Yeah. Bleedin' Gums Murphy: Not me. I suppose I should go to one. But I've got enough pain in my life as it is.

Marge: Bart's such a handful, and Maggie needs attention, but all the while, our little Lisa's becoming a young woman. Homer: Oh, so that's it, this is some kind of underwear thing.

Bleedin' Gums Murphy: The blues isn't about feeling better. It's about making other people feel WORSE, and making a few bucks while you're at it.

(Homer is applying for a job as a department store Santa Claus) Manager: Do you like children? Homer: What do you mean, all the time? Even when they're nuts?

Marge: So, Mr King, what tale of horror and the macabre are you working on now? Stephen King: Actually, I'm taking a break from horror for the time being. Marge: Oh, that's too bad. Stephen King: At the moment I'm working on a biography of Benjamin Franklin. He was a fascinating man who discovered electricity, and used it to torture children and green mountain men. And that key he tied to a kite - it opened the gates to HELL. Marge: Well, when you go back to horror will you let me know? Stephen King: Will do. (writes down a note: CALL MARGE RE: HORROR)

Rupert Murdoch: What the bloody hell?

Marge: Bart, would you like to say grace? Bart: Yesum! (Bart says grace in Latin) Homer: What the hell was that? Lisa: Bart's speaking Latin, the language of Plutarc. Homer: (Homer looks blankly) Micky Mouse's dog?

Chief Wiggum: (Principal Skinner, demanding that his relationship with Mrs Krabappel be respected, exits the school with what looks like a bomb strapped to his chest) Wait a minute... that isn't a bomb! Those are hot dogs! Armor hot dogs! Superintendent Chalmers: (shaking his head) What kind of man wears armor hot gogs?

Homer: (Lisa imagines if Homer dies during his bypass operation) (Homer is in heaven, lying on a cloud) Cloud goes up, cloud goes down, cloud goes up, cloud goes down. Homer: (cut to hospital room in real life. Homer is lying on his bed) Bed goes up, bed goes down, bed goes up, bed goes down.

Homer Simpson: Shouldn't a person have the right to choose his own religion? Lisa: As strange as it seems, Dad, I agree. Homer Simpson: What? Lisa: Well, as you well know, I'm a fully pledged Buddhist. Father Sean: (laughs) Buddhist? Well, I suppose some children have imaginary friends... Lisa: I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

Homer: Me hungry.

(The Simpsons are on a wagon train in the Old West) Homer: (singing) Cleaning my gun with the safety off, safety off, safety off, cleaning my gun with the... (gun goes off, killing a buffalo) Lisa: Dad, you just killed a poor, defenseless buffalo! Homer: A poor, *delicious* buffalo. He'll be enough food for the whole wagon train. (shoots another buffalo) Lisa: Why did you shoot that one? Homer: Dessert.

Professor Frink: That comet is headed straight for us, with the fire and the impact and the 100% chance of pain... pain in the glaving!

Ned Flanders: I'm a mur-diddily-durer!

Homer Simpson: Huh? What's wrong? House ran away? Dog on fire?

Homer: Well, that's nothing because you have a gambling problem! Marge: Homer! When you forgive someone you don't rub it in!

Kent Brockman: The phony pope can be identified by his high top sneakers, and incredibly foul mouth.

Taxi Driver: (on TV show "Taxicab Conversations") Where to, pal? Homer: (drunk) Talky thing, ain't ya? Lisa: (watching show) Another proud moment for the Simpson family.

Homer: (while watching a meteor shower) I wish God were alive to see this.

Announcer: Live from the Apollo Theater, it's Krusty's Komedy Klassics. Krusty the Clown: Hey! Hey! It's great to be back at the Apollo theater and... KKK? That's not good.

Homer: (Bart has offended Lisa, and he's surprised she's visibly angry at him after saying that nothing is wrong between them) Son, when a woman says nothing's wrong, it means everything's wrong. When a woman says everything's wrong, it means everything's wrong. And when a woman says that something *isn't* funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off!

Tony Blair: (Tony Blair has met the Simpsons at the airport. Lisa asks him to give them a personal tour of his country) I'd love to, but I'm late for an appointment. I'm greeting a lovely Dutch couple at gate 23. Cheereo! (He flys away on a jet pack) Homer: Wow! I can't belive we met Mr Bean!

(Ned has the ability to foresee one's death) Ned Flanders: Homer, you will die eating a submarine sandwich. Homer: What kind of bread is it? Ned Flanders: Country parmesan. Homer: Woo-hoo!

Lisa: What, Aunt Patty? Patty: Oh, nothing, dear. I'm just trashing your father. Lisa: Well, I wish you wouldn't, because, aside from the fact that he has the same frailties as all human beings, he's the only father I have. Therefore, he is my model of manhood, and my estimation of him will govern the prospects of my adult relationships. So I hope you bear in mind that any knock at him is a knock at me, and I am far too young to defend myself against such onslaughts. Patty: Mm hm. Go watch your cartoon show, dear.

Mr Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you. Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

Homer: Okay, now look. My boss is going to be at this picnic, so I want you to show your father some love and/or respect. Lisa: Tough choice. Bart: I'm picking respect.

Homer: Sometimes I think we're the worst family in town. Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community.

(Lisa takes Bart to the library) Bart: Lisa, we can't afford all these books. Lisa: Bart, we're just gonna borrow them. Bart: Oh. Heh heh. Gotcha. (wink)

Lisa: I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind. Bart: Okay. Lisa: Embrace nothingness. Bart: You got it. Lisa: Become like an uncarved stone. Bart: Done. Lisa: Bart, you're just pretending to know what I'm talking about. Bart: True. Lisa: Well, it's very frustrating. Bart: I'll bet.

Homer: Son, about last night. You might've noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why. Bart: I understand why. You were wasted. Homer: I'm sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me. Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will. Homer: Aww.

Miss Emily Winthrop: (to Santa's Little Helper) You son of a bitch! Good show!

Grampa: Look what your bad egg of a son did to my teeth! Homer: (rolling eyes) Dad, you and your stories. "Bart broke my teeth," "The nurses are stealing my money," "This thing on my neck is getting bigger."

(Lisa has received an academic alert that she is failing gym class) Marge: Lisa, your father and I are very concerned about this warning. I really hope you try harder. Homer: Whew. That's all of 'em. (puts stack of academic alerts in front of Bart) And I'm so proud you didn't try to forge my name. How about a present, son? Bart: Well, I could use a new pair of hockey skates. Homer: Done and done. Lisa: That's not fair. Why is Bart getting a present and I'm getting chewed out? Homer: (sitting back) Ah, the mysteries of life.

Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps. Homer: Son, I am proud of you. I was twice your age when I figured that out.

Bart: You know why these clothes are on sale, Mom? Because the kids who wear them get *beaten up*. Marge: Well, anyone who beats you up for wearing a shirt isn't your friend.

Homer: Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the Bible. Lisa: Really? Where? Homer: Eh, somewhere in the back.

Ned Flanders: Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy, but I'm kind of in a tizzy. My son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables. Rev. Lovejoy: Well, you know kids and vegetables. What was it? Asparagus? Ned Flanders: No, no, Reverend. The point is, he said a bad word. Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, oh, right, yeah. Well, kids usually pick these things up from someplace. Find out who's doing it and... direct them to the Bible. Ned Flanders: Where in the Bible? Rev. Lovejoy: Uh... page 900. (quickly hangs up)

Moe: Yeah, you said it, Barn.

Marge: Homer, I think the baby's coming. Homer: Wow. A baby and a free burger. Could this be the best day of my life?

Dr Hibbert: Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation. Homer: Say it in English, Doc. Dr Hibbert: You're going to need open-heart surgery. Homer: Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo. Dr Hibbert: We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker. Homer: Could you dumb it down a shade?

Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people. Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln? Homer: Uh, he sold poison milk to school children.

Mr Burns: Who is that fireband, Smithers? Smithers: That's Homer Simpson. Mr Burns: Simpson, eh? New man? Smithers: He thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude... Mr Burns: Doesn't ring a bell.

Lisa: Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like? Homer: Sure it is, honey. You *do* mean stealing, don't you?

Homer: I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again. Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.

Smithers: People like dogs, Mr Burns. Mr Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over you, what would you say? Smithers: If *you* did it, sir?

Homer: Whoa, careful now. These are dangerous streets for us upper-lower-middle-class types. So avoid eye contact, watch your pocketbook, and suspect everyone. Snake: Three card monte. Homer: Woo hoo! Easy money!

Chief Wiggum: What IS your fascination with my forbidden closet of mysteries?

Homer: So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end.

Chief Wiggum: See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya; otherwise, I got no case and you'll go scot-free.

(while operating on Homer) Dr Nick: (singing) The kneebone's connected to the... something. The something's connected to the... red thing. The red thing's connected to my wrist watch... Uh oh.

Dr Nick: Seriously, baby, I can prescribe anything I want.

Bart: Hey Homer, this house sucks. Homer: Bart, I told you not to use that word. Call me Daddy.

(Lisa fears a new girl in school is more talented than she) Marge: Believe me, honey. She's more scared of you than you are of her. Lisa: You're thinking of bears, mom.

Lisa: Relax? I can't relax. Nor can I yield, relent, or... Only two synonyms? Oh my God, I'm losing my perspicacity. Aaaaa! Homer: Well, it's always in the last place you look.

Bart: (finishes with his paintbrush) The beauty of it is, each parking space is a mere one foot narrower. Indistinguishable to the naked eye. But therein lies the game. Milhouse: I fear to watch, yet I cannot turn away. Principal Skinner: Blasted woman, you parked too close! Move your car! Mrs Krabappel: I'm in the lines! You got a problem, go tell your mama! Principal Skinner: Oh, don't worry, she'll hear about this.

Dr Hibbert: We don't believe fur is murder, but paying for it sure is.

Bart: What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them - as is my understanding...

George Washington: We had quitters during the Revolution too... we called them Kentuckians.

Moe: Hey, I don't need no advice from a pinball machine. I'll have you know, I wrote the book on love. Grampa: Yeah - "All Quiet on the Western Front".

Sideshow Mel: I love you, Krusty. Krusty the Clown: Quiet.

Alien: I bring you love. Lenny: It's bringing love, don't let it get away. Carl: Break its legs. Lisa: No. Wait. (Shines torch on alien to reveal Mr Burns) Willy: Argh. It's a monster. Kill it, kill it! Smithers: No, stop. It's not a monster, it's Mr Burns. Willy: Ahhh, it's Mr Burns. Kill it, kill it!

Bart: Dad, I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park? Homer: Do I have to sit up? Bart: No. Homer: Knock yourself out.

Homer: If he didn't take the money, why is he wearing those fancy clothes? Marge: That's what he wore to church! Homer: Oooooh, how convenient.

Judge: Mr Hutz, do you know you're not wearing any pants? Lionel Hutz: I move for a bad court thingy. Judge: You mean a mistrial? Lionel Hutz: Yeah... that's why you're the judge, and I'm the law... talkin'... guy.

(Homer, feeling behind the couch for a peanut he dropped, finds a twenty dollar bill instead) Homer: Oh, twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut. Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts. Homer: Explain how. Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services. Homer: Woo-hoo!

Milhouse: How could this have happened? We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but instead it ended in tragedy.

Apu: Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie.

Homer: I am so smart. I am so smart. I am so smart. S-M-R-T. I mean, S-M-A-R-T.

Bart: Ooohh, my head. Lisa: The remorse of the sugar junkie.

Homer: Hey, we didn't have a message on our answering machine when we left. How very odd.

Comic Book Guy: Last night's "Itchy & Scratchy" was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.

(kicking Walt Whitman's tombstone) Homer: Damn you, Walt Whitman! I-hate-you-Walt-freaking-Whitman! "Leaves of Grass", my ass!

Lisa: I am the lizard queen!

Lisa: Why do I have the feeling that someday I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist?

Willy: There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman.

Homer: I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals fa-laaaaming.

(Homer and Apu on a quest through the Himalayas to get Apu's job back) Apu: There it is, the world's first convenience store. Homer: This isn't very convenient. Apu: Must you knock on everything we do?

(Flash-forward to Lisa's wedding) Homer: Little Lisa, Lisa Simpson. You know, I always felt you were the best thing my name ever got attached to. Ever since the time you learned to pin your own diapers, you've been smarter than me. Lisa: Oh, Dad... Homer: No, no, let me finish. I just want you to know I've always been proud of you. You're my greatest accomplishment, and you did it all yourself. You taught me to understand my own life better, and made me a better person, but you're still my daughter, and I don't think anyone has ever had a better daughter than... Lisa: Dad, you're babbling. Homer: See? You're still helping me.

Homer: Hey boy. Wanna play catch? Bart: No thanks dad. Homer: When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong. Grampa: I'll play catch with you. Homer: Go home.

Marge: Lisa, normally, I would say that you should stand up for what you believe in, but you've been doing that an awful lot lately... Bart: Yeah, you made us march in that gay rights parade. Homer: And we cant watch Fox because they own those chemical weapons plants in Syria.

Homer: Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."

Homer: Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike, you just go in every day and do it really half-assed - that's the American way.

Homer: Homer no function beer well without.

Homer: Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.

Homer: Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?

Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa: No. Homer: Ham? Lisa: No. Homer: Pork chops? Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal. Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court or a sleazy male stripper? Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Marge: Earl Warren wasn't a stripper! Homer: Now who's being naive?

Moe: (after beating up a Homer dummy) Who's the sociopath, now?

Moe: Moe's Tavern. Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass, first name Hugh. Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Hugh Jass. Hey, I want a Hugh Jass? Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass. Hugh: Uh, I'm Hugh Jass. Moe: Telephone. Hugh: Hello, this is Hugh Jass. Bart: Uh, hi. Hugh: Who's this? Bart: Bart Simpson. Hugh: What can I do for you, Bart? Bart: Uh, look, I'll level with you, mister. This is a crank call that sorta back-fired, and I'd like to bail out right now. Hugh: All right. Better luck next time. (hangs up) Hugh: What a nice young man.

Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old. Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive? Marge: That's because you were drunk. Homer: And how!

Homer: Operator. Give me the number for 911.

Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss? Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes.

Big brother representative: And what are your reasons for wanting a little brother? Homer's Brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge. Homer: Uh... revenge? Homer's Brain: That's it. I'm getting out of here. (Sound FX: step step step step step... slam)

Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer. Homer's Brain: It's a deal.

Homer: Now son, a beer is a lot like a woman. They smell good, they look good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one. (chugs beer) Homer: But you can't stop there... you got to have another woman. (chugs beer) Homer: And another. (10 beers later) Homer: And so I says "Yeah? You wanna rip... " (passes out)

Homer's Brain: Use reverse psychology. Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated. Homer's Brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology. Homer: Okay, I will.

Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie - Police Academy.

Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "chicken"? Homer: No. I swear on this Bible. Marge: That's not a Bible. That's a book of carpet samples. Homer: Ooh... fuzzy.

Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad! Homer: Did you wreck the car? Bart: No. Homer: Did you raise the dead? Lisa: Yes. Homer: But the car's okay? Lisa, Bart: Uh-huh. Homer: All right then.

Homer: (praying) Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever. (brief pause) Thy bidding will be done. (munch munch munch)

Homer: What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.

(a rock flies through Mr Burns' office window) Mr Burns: Look Smithers, a bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.

(Speaking about the skeleton she found) Lisa: It could be a mutant from the power plant. Mr Burns: That's preposterous, everyone knows our mutants have flippers - oops, I've said too much. Smithers, get the amnesia ray. Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir? Mr Burns: Yes, and be sure to wipe your mind clear when you're done as well.

Bart: Oh my God! The dead have risen and are voting Republican.

Kang: We must move forward... not backwards, not to the side, not forwards, but always whirling, whirling, whirling towards freedom.

(while watching a faculty talent show) Bart: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows.

Maude Flanders: They were having S-E-X in front of C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N. Krusty the Clown: Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down.

Lisa: Oh, if I fail I won't even be able to get into Vassar. Homer: I've had just about enough of your Vassar-bashing, young lady.

Rainer Wolfcastle: Up and at them. Dialogue coach: No, "Up and atom". Rainer Wolfcastle: Up and at them. Dialogue coach: Up and *atom*. Rainer Wolfcastle: Up and at them. Dialogue coach: (frustrated) Better.

Bart: Hey, mouse. Say, "Cheese." With a dry, cool wit like that, I could be an action hero.

(Ralph is lying in bed) Ralph: Daddy, these rubber pants are hot. Chief Wiggum: You'll wear 'em till you learn, son.

Groundskeeper Willie: You've mastered a dead tongue. But can ya handle a live one?

(whistle sounds; Homer slides down the power plant into his car, drives away, and sings to the tune of "The Flintstones") Homer: Simpson, Homer Simpson. He's the greatest guy in history. From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree. AAH! (runs into a chestnut tree)

Mr Burns: Officers, arrest the baby. Chief Wiggum: Yeah, right, pops. No jury in the world is going to convict a baby. Well, maybe Texas.

Barney: (during his acceptance speech) I've learned that I have a gift to share with the world. From now on, I'll be a new Barnard Gumbel; clean, sober, and hardworking. Mayor Quimby: Congratulations, Barney, and enjoy your prize - a lifetime supply of Duff Beer. (the curtains pull back to reveal a Duff Beer tanker truck) Barney: Just hook it to my veins! (the truck driver prepares an I.V)

Homer: (cocks a shotgun) To the book depository!

(in a comic book store) Milhouse: I need a mask to hide my face. What have you got for five dollars? Comic Book Guy: For a paltry five dollars all I can offer you is a mask from the discount bin. You have your choice of Richard Nixon or Bart Simpson. Milhouse: Why do you have masks of Bart? Comic Book Guy: One came free with every box of Bart Simpson action figures. Milhouse: Why does Bart have his own action figures? Comic Book Guy: They were a marketing tie-in with the comic book. Milhouse: Why does Bart have a comic book? Comic Book Guy: Your questions have become more redundant and annoying then the last three "Highlander" movies.

Marge: C'mon, Homer, Japan will be fun. You like Rashoman. Homer: That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we wanted to see Japanese people we could have gone to the zoo. Marge: Homer. Homer: What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi. He's in my book club.

(Comic Book visits a dating service and grabs all the one-nighter presentation videotapes) Clerk: Are you going to call all those women? Comic Book Guy: No, the tapes will do just fine.

Bart: Here Homer I got you this book "Chicken Soup for the Loser". Homer: Hmmm is it any good? Bart: I don't know but it inspired Bill Buckner to open a chain of Laundromats.

Comic Book Guy: Yes, I would like to return your quote-unquote *ultimate* belt. Clerk: I see. Do you a receipt, quote-unquote sir? Comic Book Guy: No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a door prize at a Star Trek convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical, as the average Trekker has no need of a medium-size belt. Clerk: Wow, a fat sarcastic Star Trek fan. You must be a devil with the ladies... gee, I hate to let you down, Casanova, but no receipt, no return. Bart: I'll give you four bucks for it. Comic Book Guy: Very well. I must get back to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults rather than receive them.

Agnes Skinner: You failed, Seymour. What is it with you and failure?

(Kodos and Kang appear at The Simpsons' door) Homer: Oh no, Mormons! Kang: Actually, we're Quantum Presbyterians.

Drill Sergeant: Look soldier, you don't like me, and I don't like you. Homer: I like you. Drill Sergeant: Well, I don't like you. Homer: Maybe you'd like me if you got to know me better.

(Bart has an earring) Bart: Come on, Homer, didn't you ever do anything crazy when you were my age? Homer: Well, yeah, when I was 10, I got my ear pierced. But this is completely different.

Homer: Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away? Lisa: Because they discovered gold right over there. Homer: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything.

Guide: Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by prostitute express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from Saint Joe in three days, Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as a place where a trailhand could spend a month's pay in three minutes. Homer: Three minutes. (whistles) Marge: I never realized history was so filthy.

(Homer is a Blackjack dealer) Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Twenty. Your move, Mr Bond. James Bond: I'll take a hit, dealer. (Homer deals Bond a card) James Bond: Joker? You were supposed to take those out. Homer: Oh, sorry. (Homer deals Bond another card) James Bond: What's this? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker"? Ernst Stavro Blofeld: What a pity, Mr Bond... (Oddjob and Jaws advance on Bond and grab him) James Bond: But it was Homer's fault. I can't lose. I never lose. (Oddjob and Jaws drag Bond out of the casino) James Bond: At least tell me your plans for world domination. Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Oh ho, ho, I'm not falling for *that* one again.

(Homer tries to call the nuclear power plant) Voice on Phone: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.

Homer: Look, all I'm saying is, if these big stars didn't want people going through their garbage and saying they're gay, then they shouldn't have tried to express themselves creatively.

Chief Wiggum: They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.

Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible.

(Homer is using butter as a pencil holder) Marge: Is that my butter? Homer: Can't talk - taking another delicious memo. (Licks tip of pencil as if about to write) Homer: Mmmmm... memo.

Bart: I think sharing is overrated too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance? Homer: Your ideas are intriguing and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think I'll go on the retreat anyway.

Moe: They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants.

(Homer dials the Flanders', who have taken his kids into foster care) Voice on Phone: The number you have dialed can no longer be reached on this phone. You negligent monster.

(looking at Uruguay on a map) Homer: Heehee. Look at this country. "You are gay."

(Lisa tells Homer about Thomas Edison) Homer: No one man can do all that. You're a liar, honey. A dirty, rotten liar.

(At Apu's wedding) Marge: Thanks for helping us out, Reverend. I know you've never performed a Hindu ceremony before. Rev. Lovejoy: Well, Christ is Christ.

Leonard Nimoy: Good evening, I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies, so in the end, isn't that the truth? The answer is "no."

Homer: How about it Bart, would you like a new backyard BBQ pit? Bart: Can I burn evidence in it? Homer: We can *all* burn evidence in it.

Astrid Weller: Your husband's work is what we call "outsider art." It could be by a mental patient, a hillbilly or a chimpanzee. Homer: In high school I was voted most likely to *be* a mental patient, hillbilly or chimpanzee.

Lisa: Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new? Homer: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.

(At her first Broadway show) Marge: You know, when I was a girl, I always dreamed of being in a Broadway audience.

(Homer tries to gain passage on an escape rocket) Homer: I am the piano genius from the movie "Shine". Guard: And your name is... ? Homer: Uhh... Shiney McShine.

(Why he prefers the original "Mr Smith Goes to Washington.") Homer: At least that Jimmy Stewart version had that giant rabbit who ran the Savings & Loan.

Newspaper editor: We're looking for a new food critic, someone who doesn't immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats. Homer: Nah, it usually takes a few hours.

Marge: Only your father could take a part-time job at a small town paper and wind up the target of international assassins.

Moe: People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one would even use the cigarette machine.

Guard at Itchy & Scratchy Land: There's no need to murmur, ma'am. Here at Itchy and Scratchy Land, we're just as concerned with violence as you are. That's why we're always careful to show the consequences of deadly mayhem, so that we may educate as well as horrify. Marge: When do you show the consequences? On TV, that mouse pulled out that cat's lungs and played them like a bagpipe, but in the next scene, the cat was breathing comfortably. Guard at Itchy & Scratchy Land: Just like in real life.

Mr Burns: Next.

Marge: There must be something we can do to encourage Lisa's gift. An art class. Ballet lessons. They have fun things to do at the museum on Saturday. Homer: Whoa, whoa, Marge. I'm not spending my Saturdays at a museum. Unless... museums don't have foosball do they? (in Homer's mind, he's playing against the Statue of David and wins) You lose, Michaelangelo's David! Who's next? The Scream: (Edvard Munch's The Scream runs out) MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Mr Burns: Smithers, you could learn a thing or two from this braying moron.

Chief Wiggum: We'll track down Simpson with your vehicles anti-theft system. Car System: Car gone Car gone! Chief Wiggum: Yeah, we know that. Where has it gone to? Car System: Car gone! Car gone! Car gone!

Homer: Must kill Moe Wee! Must Kill Moe Wee!

Justin Timberlake: You know we had fun at the expense of the US Navy who are out there protecting us from dangers. James Lance Bass: And stingrays. Joey Fatone: Those stinkin vertebrae will sting you old school. Justin Timberlake: So join the navy for a 2 or 4 year hitch James Lance Bass: We signed JC up last week. J.C. Chasez: What? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Marge: (Bart awakens from a nightmare) Relax, honey. You were just having a crazy nightmare. Youre back home with your family now, where there's nothing to be afraid of... except that fog that turns people inside out. Bart: Huh? Homer: (the fog starts coming in) Uh-oh it's seeping in. STUPID CHEAP WEATHER STRIPPING! (everyone screams as the fog turns them inside out; then they stop screaming, looking at each other. Music plays, and they start dancing and singing) Marge, Bart, Homer, Lisa: One chorus line of people, dancing till they make us stop! Groundskeeper Willie: (Willy, also turned inside out, jumps on stage) Too... ! Marge, Bart, Homer, Lisa, Groundskeeper Willie: Many dancing people, covered in blood, gore, and glop!/Just one sniff of that fog and you're inside out!/It's worse than that flesh-eating virus you've read about!/Vital organs, they are what we're dressed in, the family dog is eyeing Bart's intestine!/Happy Halloween!

Apu: Here at the Kwik-E-Mart we believe in America. Please do not beat me up anymore.

(Kang and Kodos are cooking the Simpsons) Bart: Am I the only one in horrible pain? Homer: You're the only one who won't shut up about it.

Professor Frink: Let the commencing beginulate!

(Lisa tells Homer about Bart's problem after making him promise not to get mad) Lisa: (rapidly) Bart rented a car with a phony driver's license and drove Milhouse, Martin, and Nelson to a wig outlet in Knoxville and the car got crushed and they're out of money and they can't get home and Bart's working as a courier and just came back from Hong Kong! (Homer's face turns pink, but his voice is eerily calm) Homer: Yes, that's a real pickle. Would you excuse me for a moment? (He puts on a radiation suit hood and screams out indistinguishable profanities, fogging the glass of the faceplate. When he takes the hood off, he is eerily calm again) Homer: All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home. Then I will murder him.

(Bart shatters Homer's bottle of hair-restoring Dimoxinil) Homer: (strangling Bart) BOY-MUST-DIE! Bart: (choked) I, I love you, Dad! Homer: Ohh... (drops him) Dirty trick.

Homer: *Finally*... Science has joined forces with Revenge.

TV Announcer: (At the end of a commercial for a combination hair restorer/penis enlarger) Possible side effects include loss of scalp and penis.

Krusty the Clown: Next thing you know you're some schmuck working in a box factory. Box Factory Worker: I heard that.

(the Simpsons are in an office with two FBI men letting them know about going to the federal witness protection program) FBI man 1: All right, Homer, now your name is Mr Thompson, so when I say hello Mr Thompson, you say hi. Homer: Check! FBI man 1: Hello, Mr Thompson. (homer stares blankly) FBI man 1: (pause) FBI man 1: Now, remember, your name is Mr Thompson. Homer: Gotcha! FBI man 1: Hello, Mr Thompson. (again Homer stares blankly) FBI man 1: (FBI men stare at each other) (hours pass by) FBI man 1: (frustrated) Argh... Now when I say "Hello Mr Thompson" and press down lightly on your foot, you smile and nod. Homer: Gotcha. (stepping hard on Homer's foot) FBI man 1: Hello, Mr Thompson. (Homer stares blankly again for a few seconds) Homer: (whispering to the FBI man next to him) Psssst, I think he's talking to you. (FBI man gives up)

(gunshot, Flanders is knocked down) Ned Flanders: Whew, good thing I always keep a Bible next to my... (second gunshot, Flanders is knocked down again) Ned Flanders: Whew, luckily I was wearing an extra large piece of the True Cross today. Uh, I'm going home now. (as he runs off, a third gunshot spins the head of Homer's pickaxe) Homer: What keeps doing that? Fat Tony: I told you we should have bought more than three bullets.

Barney: Next they're gonna show my movie. Bart: You made a movie ? Barney: I made a movie? I wonder why there was a picture of me on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. (Barney holds up an Entertainment Weekly featuring him in a somber, dramatic pose)

Kent Brockman: What started out as a traditional soccer riot has quickly escalated into a city-wide orgy of destruction. Reacting swiftly, Mayor Quimby declared "mob rule", meaning for the next several years, it's every family for themselves...

Radio DJ: All right, this next song is dedicated to Bart Simpson, with the message "I am coming to kill you slowly and painfully." (Wipe Out begins playing)

Lisa: It seems every week the Simpsons go through a situation like this. My suggestion is to just ride it out, make the occasional smart-aleck quip, and next week, we'll return right to where we were, ready for another wacky adventure. Bart: Aye carumba. Lisa: That's the spirit.

Sideshow Bob: (after his demands are met) Yes. They're giving in. (pause) Blast. I should've made more demands. Maybe next time...

Mel Gibson: John Travolta flew me over in his jet. Now I have to help him move next weekend. He deliberately waited until we were in the air to ask me.

(in the car on the way to Florida) Lisa: Mom, Bart's sitting next to me. Bart: Mom, Lisa's growing. Marge: Quiet, you two. You know your father's just had a breakdown. Homer: My pockets hurt.

Homer: I'd like your deadliest gun please. Clerk: Aisle 6- Next to the sympathy cards.

(the Be Sharps are performing the Statue of Liberty's 100th anniversary 4th of July concert in New York City in 1986) Homer: This next song is dedicated to a very special lady. She's 100 years old and weighs over 200... tons. Fan: This enormous lady will devour us all! (Screams and jumps into the ocean) Homer: I meant the statue!

Homer: When will you people learn? In America we stopped using corporal punishment and things have never been better. The streets are safe, old people strut confidently through the darkest alleys and the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer programming abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and free, for as the Bible tells us, "Let your children run wild and free."

Homer: So, a graduate student, huh? How come they can send a man to the moon but can't make my shoes smell good?

Mark Hamill: Hey everybody. I'm here today as Luke Skywalker, but I'm also here to talk about Sprint. As you can see here, you can save up to three times more than the more dependable companies. Audience: Talk about Star Wars. Homer: Shut up you stupid nerds, he's trying to save you money on long distance calls.

Homer: Oh, they have the Internet on computers now.

Homer: Marge, you're my wife and I love you very much. But you're living in a world of make-believe. With flowers and bells and leprechauns, and magic frogs with funny little hats. Bart: Yeah, Mom. We got hosed!

Lisa: I'm so glad you're home. Bart's acting funny. Homer: "Ray J" funny or "O.J." funny?

Marge: (looking at Bart's collection of death threats) Hmm, this one's done in different handwriting. Homer Simpson: Oh, uh, I wrote that one, after Bart somehow put this tattoo on my butt. (Homer drops his pants, revealing a "wide load" tattoo on his rear end. Everyone laughs) Nelson: (outside the window) Ha ha! Bart: But who'd want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis The Menace. Homer Simpson: It's probably the person you least suspect. Lisa: That's good, Dad. Grampa: I say we call Matlock. He'll find the culprit! It's probably that evil Gavin MacLeod or George Guberlindsey. Bart: Grandpa, Matlock's not real. Grampa: Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob, if someone cuts it off and smushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eatin'!

Marge: You awful man! Stay away from my son! Sideshow Bob: (menacing) Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right! Stay away... FOREVER! Homer: Oh, no! Sideshow Bob: Wait a minute. That's no good. (walks away, then runs back) Sideshow Bob: Wait, I've got a good one now! Marge, say "stay away from my son" again. Marge: No!

Homer: Son, I just want you to know I have total faith in you. Bart: Since when? Homer: Since your mother yelled at me.

Rev. Lovejoy: I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens. Who came to earth... and then died... only to be brought back to life again. And his name was: E.T., the extra-terrestrial. I love that little guy.

Lionel Hutz: And as for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state. Often as a lawyer.

Homer: Yeah, that Timmy O'Tool is a real hero. Lisa: How so dad? Homer: Well... he fell in a well... and he can't get out. Lisa: How does that make him a hero? Homer: Well it's more then you've done.

Bart: Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.

Insurance Agent: Now this place you were at, Moe's, is this a business of some sort? Homer's Brain: Don't tell him you were at a bar. But what else is open at night? Homer: It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography. Homer's Brain: Heh, heh, heh. I would never have thought of that.

Homer: God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game. (doorbell rings) Ned Flanders: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick... Homer: (slams the door, looks heavenward) Why do you mock me, O Lord? Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there. (Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer's hands) Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but... (bites) Mmm, sacrilicious.

Moe: I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff.

Bart: George Burns was right: show biz is a horrible bitch goddess.

Lisa: Face it, Bart, Sideshow Bob has changed. Bart: No he hasn't. He's more the same than ever.

(observing the farm's green glow after Homer put toxic chemicals on it) Marge: It's eerily beautiful. Are you sure it's safe? Homer: You know what they say - sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart. Marge: You got that from a movie poster. Homer: Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope. Marge: Where'd you get that from? Homer: From the producers of "Waiting To Exhale".

Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. And I am the... uh... what cures cancer?

Faith Crowley: Lisa, I'm Faith Crowley, Patriotism editor of Reading Digest. Homer: Oh I love your magazine. My favorite section is "How to increase your word power." That thing is really, really, really... good.

Homer: It's like David and Goliath, only this time David won. (Lisa sighs) Lisa's Brain: I know, I heard it too. Here's some music. (Piano music plays quietly. Lisa smiles contentedly)

(Answering the phone) Bart: Joe's Crematorium. You kill 'em, we grill 'em.

Elizabeth Hoover: Do you want to play John Wilkes Booth, or do you want to act like a maniac?

Social Worker: Stupid babies require the most attention.

Homer: Just because I don't know doesn't mean I don't understand.

Kent Brockman: Just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it the Army, but a more alarmist name would be... The Killbot Factory.

Kent Brockman: Springfield has come down with a fever: football fever. If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take 2 tickets, and see the game Sunday morning. Public Service Announcer: Warning. Tickets should NOT be taken internally. Homer: See? Because of me, now they have a warning.

(Writing a food review) Homer: The bread was... the bread was... Santa's Little Helper: Ruff. Homer: You've been pitching that one all night. Santa's Little Helper: Chewy?

Homer: Oh, Lisa. You and your stories. Bart is a vampire. Beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that building thingy... where our beds and TV is.

Kent Brockman: Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside? Professor: Yes I would, Kent.

Marge: (on radio) Husband on murderous rampage. Send help. Over. Chief Wiggum: Whew, thank God that's over. I was worried for a little bit.

Homer: I've gone back in time to when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos.

(Homer pooh-poohs churchgoing) Marge: Don't make me choose between my man and my God, because you just can't win. Homer: There you go again, always taking someone else's side. Flanders, the water department, God...

Lisa: Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination? Homer: Boy, I don't know. You'd have to be pretty desperate to make it with a robot. (Marge whispers something in his ear) I knew that.

Bart: Lis, everyone in town is acting like me, so why does it suck? Lisa: It's simple, Bart. You've defined yourself as a rebel. And in the absence of a repressive milieu, your societal niche has been co-opted. Bart: I see.

Hollis Hurlbut: Now get out. You're banned from this historical society. You and your children, and your children's children... for three months.

Homer: Dig him up. Dig up that corpse. If you really love Jebediah Springfield, you'll haul his bones out of the ground to prove my daughter wrong. Dig up his grave. Pull out his tongue. Mayor Quimby: Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?

(Homer and Bart are being taunted for riding in an electric car) Gay Robots: One of us. One of us. One of us.

Apu: (singing) Whether igloo, hut, or geodesic dome there's no structure that I've been to that I'd rather call my home. When I first arrived you were all such jerks but now I've come to love your quirks. Maggie with her eyes so bright, Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd Wright, Lisa can phyliosophize, Bart's adept at spinning lies, Homer's a delightful fellow, sorry about the samonella. Homer: (laughing) That's okay. Apu: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart, now here's the tricky part, oh won't you rhyme with me? Who needs the Kwwik-E-Mart? Marge: Their floors are stik-e-mart. Lisa: They made dad sik-e-mart. Bart: Let's hurl a brik-e-mart. Homer: The Kwik-E-Mart is real... D'OH! Homer, Bart, Marge, Lisa: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? Apu: Not me! Homer, Bart, Marge, Lisa: Forget the Kwik-E-Mart. Good bye to Kwik-E-Mart. Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? Apu: Not me. Homer: Everything wrapped up nicely. Earlier than usual. Marge: I guess happiness is wherever you find it. Homer: And we've all found happiness. Every one of us. Apu: (Sobbing) Homer: What's that sound? Apu: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? I do. Homer: Hey! He lied to us through song. I hate it when people do that.

(Mr Burns is reminiscing about his grandfather's old Atom Smashing Plant) Burns' Grandfather: Come on, men! Smash those atoms! You there, turn out your pockets. (Two goons seize a waifish worker and turn out his pockets) Burns' Grandfather: Aha - atoms! One, two, three, four... SIX of them! Take him away! Waif: You can't treat the working man this way! One of these days we'll form a union, and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve! Then we'll go too far, and become corrupt and shiftless, and the Japanese will eat us alive! Burns' Grandfather: The Japanese? Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders? Ha ha! Bosh! Flimflaw! Mr Burns: Oh, if only we'd listened to that young man, instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven.

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