(the Red Hot Chili Peppers are performing at Moe's bar) Bart: Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers, do you want to appear on a Krusty comeback special? Flea: Sure, if you can get us outta this gig. Bart: No problemo. (Bart points to the wall behind Moe) Bart: Hey Moe, look over there. Moe: What? What am I looking at? (Bart and the Red Hot Chili Peppers walk out the door) Moe: I'm gonna stop looking here in a second. What, is *that* it? (Homer walks into the bar) Homer: Hey Moe, can I look too? Moe: Sure, but it'll cost ya. Homer: My wallet's in the car. (He runs outside) Moe: He is so stupid. And now, back to the wall...

Homer: Yep, nobody's more wild and youthful than old man Burns.

Snake: I'm gonna win you back, even if it means I got to pistol whip this dude (Homer) all night. Homer: (scared) Pistol whip? (imagines himself eating whipped cream from a pistol) Hmm, pistol whip...

(Homer is strangling Bart because he made a popular cartoon based on him) Bart: (chokes) There's going to be a movie about you. Homer: (stops choking Bart) Who's going to play me? Bart: John Goodman. Homer: (continues choking Bart) Isn't it obvious it should be Gary Oldman?

Marge: So you're saying that I should bribe Lisa back to Christianity? Rev. Lovejoy: Sure. You could save a lot more souls with roller-skates and Easy-Bake ovens, than with this (lifts Bible) 2000 page sleeping pill.

(while Moe is away, Homer is in charge of the bar) Homer: (picks up phone) Hello? Bart: Hello, is Ali Tabooger there? Homer: Ooh, Bart. My first prank phone call. What do I do? What do I do? Bart: Don't panic. Just ask for Ali Tabooger. Homer: I don't get it. Bart: Ask for I'll Eat A Booger. Homer: What's the joke? Bart: (sighs) Forget it. (hangs up)

Krusty's Accountant: So let me get this straight - you took all the money you made franchising your name and bet it AGAINST the Harlem Globetrotters? Krusty the Clown: But I thought the Generals were due. (watches the game on TV) He's spinning the ball on his finger. Just take it. That game is fixed.

Homer: Hey, it's the first day of the month. New billboard day. (drives by, reads first billboard) "This year, give her English muffins". Whatever you say, Mr Billboard.

Homer: (in jail; looks out window and sees Moe singing about going to Hawaii) Hawaii? What about Hawaii? Moe, who's going to Hawaii? Am I going to Hawaii? Chief Wiggum: (bangs on Homer's jail cell) Stop saying "Hawaii" in there.

(At an auction) Homer: Heh, heh, heh. Watch me burn Flanders. (picks up sheet) Ned Flanders bids 50$. (evil laugh) Auctioneer: And the recipient of the 100$ bill is Ned Flanders. Homer: D'oh! Ned Flanders: This is going straight to the orphanage. Homer: D'OH!

Rainer Wolfcastle: (to piece of pie) You remember when I said I'll eat you last? I lied.

Bart: This is Milhouse. He's my best friend, because... Well, geographical convenience.

(Lisa just wakes up after passing out) Homer: Lisa? Lisa? Are you ok? Lisa: Ok? I'm great. I'm ready for the gymnastics class, now. Ich bin ein gymnast. Homer: Awww, she must've dreamt about Hitler, again.

(In a Chinese Krusty factory) Krusty the Clown: Laziness is counter-revolutionary.

(In order to go to College, Lisa convinced two College girls that her house is an off-campus dorm) College Girl #1: Hey, Lisa. Where've you been? Lisa: In heaven. College Girl #2: I love her. She's such a free spirit. College Girl #1: She has to be, where she lives. That place had a Manson Family vibe...

Ralph: Why do people keep running away from me? (wets himself and smiles)

Marge: (about a gay man) Homer, he prefers the company of men. Homer: Who doesn't?

Marge: Sitting that close to the TV is bad for your health. Homer: Talking to me while I'm watching TV is bad for your health.

Marge: You know, you have to stop drinking? Cowboy: What do you care? Marge: I don't know. I just naturally I assumed that it was any of my business.

Lead Pirate: And now, back to secret pirate island- Hong Kong.

Brazillian Kidnapper: (opens suitcase full of money) Ahh, look at all that pink and purple. Our money sure is gay.

(Santa's Little Helper has crawled into the vent at Springfield Elementary) Ralph: Um, Miss Hoover? There's a dog in the vent. Miss Hoover: Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside? Ralph: He was going to the bathroom.

Homer: Oh man, oh man. We killed Mr Burns. Mr Burns is gonna be so mad.

Homer: Hello, Son. I wanna apologize. I got so caught up in trying to encourage you, that I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you come back and play for the team, I promise I'll never encourage you again.

Lisa: I'm trying to call Janey, but I can't get a dial tone. Marge: Your father refuses to pay the bill, so the company cut our phone lines. Lisa: (sighs) Why must you fight every utility? Homer: (annoyed) I told you, I have too much free time.

(At Moe's) Lenny: It's a good thing you stopped smoking the magic grass, Homer. You were getting spaced out. Carl: Yeah, we were planning an intervention, but I got alcohol poisoning that night.

Bart: Why would Duff publish a book. Lisa: It was designed to settle fights in taverns. Homer: Whoo-hoo. She said "tavern". I'm going to Moe's. (runs away and drives off) Marge: I never agreed to that rule.

Moe: Well the only way I can recoup from this is... (takes out a can of gas, pours it all over his bar, and throws and lighted match on it) Carl: Um, aren't you supposed to get insurance first? Moe: Oh crap.

(Lisa is missing a crayon; Homer had a crayon removed from his brain making him smarter) Marge: (reassuringly) Sweetheart, the missing crayon could be anywhere. Homer: (crashes through living room window and holds up two fistfuls of tickets) Who wants lottery tickets? Marge: (resigned) Okay, it's in his brain. (leaves)

(Homer holds up Lisa to attract a bull) Homer: Here, Toro. Here's something to gore. Lisa: DAAAAAAAAAD. Homer: Not now, honey. Daddy's busy.

(Bart and Milhouse are watching a secret tape of police informants) Ned Flanders: I really hate to be a snitch. Chief Wiggum: Don't worry, your yellow-bellied ratting will be held in the strictest confidence. Ned Flanders: Well, in that case, my neighbor Homer released a radioactive ape into my house. It's, uh, taken over the top floor. Bart: It wasn't dad's fault. The ape tricked him.

Ralph: (after being sprayed by fake blood) I look like cable T.V...

Mr Burns: Damn it, Smithers! This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery!

Manjula: Apu, you have completed the list. You may now move back with your family in your never ending disgrace. Homer: Wait a minute. You forgot to eat a light bulb. Apu: Thank you very much, you fat blabbermouth. Sorry, sorry. It's been a rough month. Homer: (gives him light bulb) Here you go. (whispers) Don't worry. I soaked it in the toilet to soften it up.

Professor Frink: Oh, what gave me away? Out of curiosity, was it the "hoyven," or the "maven," or was it the whole guh-HOYVEE... thing... that I do?

Homer: Stupid family going to stupid Flanders' stupid barbecue. What if they got back and I was dead from not eating? Then they'd be sorry. They'd say, "Oh no, why did we go to Flanders barbecue? Why did we leave Homer all alone without any food?" And I'd be laughing. Laughing from my grave. Heh heh heh.

Fat Tony: Greetings, Homer. Homer: Hey, Tony. Still with the mafia? Fat Tony: Uh, yes, thank you for asking. You might remember, a while ago you were done a favor by our... how shall I put this... mafia crime syndicate. Homer: Oh yeah, that's right? Fat Tony: Well, I have come to inform you that now it's your turn to do US a favor. Homer: Wait - you mean the only reason the Mob did me a favor was because they wanted something back in return? Fat Tony. I say good day to you, sir. Fat Tony: (Ashamed) Okay... I'll go now. (He leaves the building) Fat Tony: Hey... wait a minute.

Homer: Oh, I almost forgot. While I was at the court house, I had them change your name. Marge: To what? Homer: Chesty La Rue. Marge: CHESTY LARUE? Homer: Just try it for two weeks. If you don't like it, you can be Busty St. Claire. Marge: I don't want to be Chesty La Rue or Busty St. Claire. Homer: Fine. Hooty McBoob it is. Marge: Goodnight, Homer. Homer: Goodnight, Hooty. Marge: Give me those.

Homer: I'm sorry. I can't come in today. Religious holiday. The feast of... Maximum Occupancy.

(Homer is elected union kingpin) Homer: So what does this job pay? Lenny: Nothing. Homer: D'oh! Lenny: Unless you're crooked. Homer: WOOHOO!

Quimby's Assisstant: Election in November. Election in November. Mayor Quimby: AGAIN? This stupid country.

Apu: Where's a gun-toting lowlife when you need one? Snake: Sorry, I was in the can.

Homer: Ahh. A hungry hungry hippo.

(Arnie's helicopter goes down during a snowstorm) Arnie Pie: Mayday, mayday. We're going down. Tell my wife I love... Kent Brockman: (Chuckles and shuffles papers) That's great, Arnie.

(the Simpsons' drywall collapses and Maggie crawls out of it) Homer: (in baby talk) Maggie. That's where you were, honey. You were hiding in the drywall, yes you were. Daddy's sure happy Social Services didn't see this, yes he is.

Bart: Dad, I can't believe you're risking my life to save your own. Homer: Son, you'll understand one day, when you have kids.

Stan Lee: Say, aren't you the guy who was stalking Lynda Carter? Comic Book Guy: The term is "courting," thank you. The restraining order says "no-no," but her eyes say "yes-yes."

Kent Brockman: Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all of this squarely on YOU, the viewers.

Homer: Here, little fella'. (Homer pours beer into Linguo's mouth) Lisa: Dad. No. Linguo: Error. Homer: I'm sorry. I thought he was a party robot. Lisa: Oh. This is why I can't have nice things. Grrr... every time I design a robot, somebody comes along and breaks it.

Lisa: Almost done. Just lay still. Linguo: Lie still. Lisa: I knew that. Just testing. Linguo: Sentence fragment. Lisa: Sentence fragment is also a sentence fragment. (Linguo's eyes move back and forth as it thinks) Linguo: Must conserve battery power. (Linguo shuts itself down)

First mobster: Hey. They's throwin' robots. Linguo: They are throwing robots. Second mobster: It's disrespecting us. Shut up a'you face. Linguo: Shut up your face. Second mobster: Whatsa' matta you? First mobster: You ain't so big. Second mobster: Me an' him are gonna' whack you in the labonza. Linguo: Mmmm... AAH!... bad grammar overload. Error. Error. (Linguo explodes)

Hank Scorpio: By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country? Italy or France? Homer: France. (Scorpio adjusts a giant laser cannon pointing towards the sky) Hank Scorpio: Heh heh heh. Nobody ever says Italy...

(Homer's family wants to move back to Springfield, but he likes his new job at Globex) Homer: We've got it great here. And for the first time in my life I'm actually good at my job. My team is way ahead of the weather machine and germ warfare divisions.

(Scorpio has a James Bond-style secret agent strapped to a table with a cutting laser edging up towards him) Hank Scorpio: Ingenious, isn't it, Mr Bunt? Secret Agent: Scorpio, you're totally mad. Hank Scorpio: Hah. I wouldn't point fingers, you jerk. Secret Agent: So, do you expect me to talk? Hank Scorpio: I don't expect anything from you, except to die and be a very cheap funeral. (walks off) Hank Scorpio: You're gonna die now.

Marge: I saved these for you, Bart. You'll always have them to remind you of the time when you were the whole world's special little guy. Bart: Thanks, Mom. Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase. Homer: (breaks lamp) D'oh! Bart: Aye Carumba. Marge: Hmmmmm. Maggie: (sucks pacifier) Ned Flanders: Hidely-ho. Barney Gumble: (belches) Nelson: Ha-ha. Mr Burns: Excellent.

Dr Hibbert: You can't let a single bad experience scare you away from drugs.

Mr Burns: (to Homer) Young man, I'm making you my executive vice president. Smithers: Sir, I believe that position was informally promised to me. Mr Burns: Oh, Smithers... I would have said anything to get your stem cells.

(Dr Nick's commercial) Dr Nick: You've tried the best. Now try the rest.

Homer: Lisa, why didn't you warn me? Being a brain has alienated me from all my friends. Lisa: Dad, as intelligence goes up, happiness often goes down. In fact I made a graph... (wistfully) I make a lot of graphs...

(the oil rig Homer's working on has caught on fire) Homer: Oh no. This is how faceless Joe lost his legs.

Marge: I can't even think of how many times your father has done something crazy. Lisa: WAIT A MINUTE. (pulls out a timekeeper) Yup, 300 times.

Otto: They call 'em "fingers," but I never see 'em fing. Oh wait, there they go.

Moe: Oh boy, it looks like it's suicide again for me.

(phone rings) Chief Wiggum: Heh, yeah, right, lady: An elephant ran through your front yard. Okay. (rings again) Chief Wiggum: Wiggum... Yeah, right, mister, mm-hmm. An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. Okay. (rings again) Chief Wiggum: Wiggum... Yeah, right, buddy, liquor store robbery, officer down. Sure. And I'm Edward G. Robinson.

L.T Smash: (watching Bart's Band) Those guys are gonna be huge. (to Skinner) And you tried to get in their way. Principal Skinner: No I didn't. I even got in early to prepare orange drink. L.T Smash: Orange drink? What, do you live with your mother? Principal Skinner: *She* lives with *me*.

(in front a "Best Teacher's Award" committee) Bart: (in a video) This year, I'd like to nominate my teacher- Ms Krabappel. Shy may not be glamorous or entertaining. She's just a normal teacher who's always there. And, she's never given up on me- Bart Simpson. (all committee members gasp in horror) Committee member #1: Bart Simpson? I thought he was an urban legend.

(hardly anyone is in church on Super Bowl Sunday) Rev. Lovejoy: Well, I'm glad some people could resist the lures of the big game. Man: OH MY GOD, I FORGOT THE GAME! (he runs out of church)

Homer: We're going to Disney World. (Homer is seen in front of the Magic Kingdom at Disney World, while sirens sound and searchlights search for Homer) "Mickey Mouse": (over loudspeaker) Step away from the wall, step away from the wall. Homer: It's so beautiful. (Homer disappears over fence) Homer: One churro, please. Cast Member: That'll be fourteen dollars. Homer: (crying) No. No, no, nooooo. Here.

Bart: Bart, your mortal enemy's on the radio! (Bart turns on the radio) Dr Demento: It's time for more deeeeeeee-mentia, with Dr Demento! (Bart yells and throws the radio out the window) Lisa: I meant your other mortal enemy, Sideshow Bob. Bart: Wow. I'm only ten and I already got two mortal enemies!

Bart: Stomp that pickle revert. Otto: Sick lingos, boys. Bart: I've gotta go to the bathroom. Otto: Ah, ah, talk to the snowboard. Bart: Uh, I've gotta blast a douche? Otto: Douche on.

(Phone rings) Rupert Murdoch: Hello, Murdoch here... 10,000 dollars? You've saved my network. Bart: Wouldn't be the first time.

Homer: Dancing away my hunger pain... moving my feet so my stomach won't hurt... I'm kinda like Jesus, but not in a sacrilegious way... Moe: Jeez, Homer's losing it already. Carl: Yeah but his weary shuffling makes my heart smile.

Abe Simpson: You know, I thought I was too old. I thought my time had passed. I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain, or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children.

Bart: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, contrary to what you have just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and The Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool gory pictures. See you next week. Peace, man!

Gabriel: Homer, you're a bad man and your seed should be wiped from the earth... no offense, children.

(Homer thinks Gabriel is an angel) Homer: Gabriel, this is a bar where they serve beer, which is the mortal equivalent of your ambrosia. Gabriel: Homer, I'm not an angel. Homer: Well, not with that attitude.

Lou: Looks like another case of Monopoly related violence, chief. Wiggum: How do those Parker Brothers sleep at night?

Mulder: Are we alone in the universe? Impossible. When you consider the wonders that exist all around us... voodoo priests of Haiti, the Tibetan numerologists of Appalachia, the unsolved mysteries of Unsolved Mysteries... The truth it out there.

Lisa: I think it's ironic that dad saved the day while a slimmer man would've fallen to his death. Bart: Yeah, and I think it's ironic that dad's butt actually prevented the release of toxic gas.

Principal Skinner: I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Just remember, if I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yes, you heard me. I think words I would never say. Homer: I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow...

Homer: What does "sequestered mean"? Principal Skinner: If the jury is deadlocked, they're put up in a hotel so that they cant communicate with the outside world. Homer: What does "deadlocked" mean? Principal Skinner: It's when the jury cant agree on a verdict. Homer: And "if"? Principal Skinner: A conjunction meaning "in the event that" or "on condition of". Homer: So "if" we get "deadlocked", we'll be "sequestered" at the Springfield Palace Hotel. Where we'll get a free room, free food, free swimming pool, free HBO. Ooh. Free Willy.

Ned Flanders: Sir... There's no reason Sarah needs to do this scene in the altogether. Sara Sloane: Sam, he's got a point. Katherine Hepburn never showed her breasts. Movie Director: There's still time.

(Bart is preparing a batch of appetizers for Skinner's party) Lisa: What's with the dog food? Bart: My theory is - Skinner likes dog food. (both leave, Homer walks in the room) Homer: Ooh, a fresh batch of American balls.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, it's Up Late With McBain! I'm your host, Corporal Obengruppenfuhrer Wolfcastle. And now, here's McBain! (McBain walks out on stage) Rainer Wolfcastle: Ja, thank you, ja. Let's hear it for my music guy, Skoey. That's some outfit, Skoey. It makes you look like a homosexual. (audience boos) Rainer Wolfcastle: Well, maybe you all are homosexuals, too. (audience boos)

Selma: Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our honeymoon. Lawyer: How many people in this court are thinking of killing her right now? (a few people raise their hands) Lawyer: Be honest... (everyone raises their hand; a man gasps when he notices Patty) Patty: Ah, she's always leaving the toilet seat up.

Lenny: With a woman working here, we won't be able to spit on the floor anymore. Carl: And we won't be able to take our pants off when it gets really hot. Homer: And we won't be able to pee in the drinking fountain... (receives stares)

Chief Wiggum: All right, Simpson, where's the fire? (Homer points to the police station, which is on fire) All right, Simpson. You just bought yourself a 417, pointing out police stupidity. Or is that a 413? No, a 413 is a dog, and... um... you're in trouble, pal.

(Cheif Wiggum releases some attack dogs to look for Milhouse) Kirk Van Houten: Will they just find him... or will they find him and kill him? Chief Wiggum: They'll find him, and, um... um... Kirk Van Houten: Um, excuse me, you didn't answer my question. You just trailed off. Chief Wiggum: Yeah, I did, didn't I?

(a realtor is showing Bret Hart around Mr Burns' mansion) Bret "The Hitman" Hart: Eww. This place has got old man stink. Mr Burns: Ooh. Waylon Smithers: Don't listen to him, sir. You've got an enchanting musk.

Chief Wiggum: (answer machine) 9-1-1. This better be good.

(Marge has just sliced off Homer's thumb) Marge: I'm sorry. Homer: Sorry doesn't put thumbs on the hand, Marge.

Homer: (after observing Barney's movie) Wow, I'll never drink another beer again. Vendor: Beer here. Homer: I'll take ten.

(at a cemetery) Homer: I sure could go for a hot dog right about now... Marge: Homer, we're at a funeral. Hot Dog Vendor: Hot dogs. Get your hot dogs here. Homer: Woohoo! Marge: Do you follow my husband around? Hot Dog Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kids through college.

Lisa: Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB. Bart: Hey, Homer, what's that B for? Homer: That's a typo.

Chief Wiggum: All right, where's Sideshow Bob and that guy who uh, eats people and takes their faces? Prisoner: I'm right here, Chief. Chief Wiggum: OK, then. Where's Sideshow Bob? Prisoner: Eh, he ran off. Chief Wiggum: Oh, great. Well, if anyone asks, I uh, beat him to death.

(reading from a bomb's casing) Sideshow Bob: "Best before November 1959." Dammit, Bob. There were plenty of brand new bombs, but you had to go for that retro 50s charm.

Marge: You should probably see a doctor about this... Homer: OK. Marge: (realizing) A competent doctor. Homer: D'oh!

Homer: Wow, Barney. You brought a whole beer keg. Barney: Yeah... where do I fill it up?

(Buck's house is garnished with steakhouse paraphernalia) Bart: Wow. It's like you're living in a steakhouse. Buck McCoy: Why, thank you. Most people just mutter that.

Bart: Lis, can you keep it down? I'm in the middle of a crank call here. Principal Skinner: (on phone) Actually, my refrigerator *wasn't* running. You've saved me quite a bit of spoilage. Thank you, anonymous young man.

Grampa: Smingers did it. Case closed. Now where's my hat? I'm going to the outhouse. (leaves) Lisa: We don't have an outhouse. Homer: AH! My toolshed!

Homer: Hello, I'd like to speak to a Mr Snotball, first name Ura. Moe: Ura Snotball? Homer: What? How dare you. If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran.

Moe: That's it, Homer. I'm taking your caricature down from Mount Lushmore, and I'm pulling your favorite song out of the jukebox. Homer: "It's Raining Men"? Moe: Yeah, not no more it ain't.

Homer: And I gave that man directions, even though I didn't know the way, because that's the kind of guy I am this week.

Bart: (the night after Bart hears a woman scream from Flanders's house, Bart sees Flanders digging a hole in his backyard) Bart: This can't be what it looks like. There's gotta be some other explanation! Ned Flanders: I wish there was some other explanation for this. But there isn't. I'm a murderer, I'm a murderer! Bart: Then that's not the real Ned Flanders. Ned Flanders: I'm a mur-diddly-urdler! Bart: If that's not Flanders, he's done his homework.

Homer: See, the great thing about animation is that you don't have to pay the actors squat. Ned Flanders: (speaking in a different voice) But they can change them and no one would know the diddly-ifference.

Homer: (singing along to the tune of Chumbawumba's "Tumpthumping") I take a whiskey drink, I take a coffee drink, and when I have to pee, I use the kitchen sink. I sing the song that reminds me I'm a urinating guy.

Mr Burns: I think I'll donate a million dollars to charity... when pigs fly. (both Burns and Smithers start laughing, a pig flies by their window) Smithers: Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir? Mr Burns: Eh, I'd still rather not.

Homer: And I got this scar sneaking under the door of a pay toilet.

Secret Service Agent: I can do everything from reading bedtime stories to changing diapers. Grampa: Put me down for one of each.

Ned Flanders: Ho ho ho, suckin' down the cider, uh? Hey, word to the wise - (shows Homer a card) season pass. It pays for itself after the sixteenth visit. You know, most people don't know the difference between apple cider and apple juice, but I do. Now here's a little trick to help you remember. If it's clear and yella', you've got juice there, fella. If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town. Now, there's two exceptions and it gets kinda tricky here... Homer's Brain: You can stay, but I'm leaving. (Homer's brain floats away) Ned Flanders: ... can be yellow, if they're using late season apples. And, of course, in Canada, the whole thing's flip-flopped. (Homer collapses)

Marge: Careful of that apple pie on the back seat... Grampa: Uh-oh. Marge: Grampa, are you sitting on the pie? Grampa: I sure hope so.

Bart: Grampa, I need some advice. Did you ever fall in love with an older woman? Abe Simpson: I fell in love with the OLDEST woman. A hundred and twenty-four years old, she was. Here's a picture of her delivering Eubie Blake. Bart: Wow. What happened? Abe Simpson: She fell in with that Guinness Book of Records crowd; all of a sudden she didn't have time for me. Ohhh, I wore a fifteen-pound beard of bees for that woman, but it wasn't enough.

(Mr Burns looks through a portfolio of his old stocks) Mr Burns: Hmm, let's see... "Confederated Slave holdings." How's that one holding up? Lawyer: It's, uh, steady.

Ron Howard: Is that... vodka... and wheat grass? Homer: It's called a "lawnmower". I invented it. Want one?

Krusty's Assisstant: George Carlin on line two. Krusty the Clown: (on phone) Lawsuit? Oh yeah? MY Seven Words You Can't Say On TV bit is completely different from YOUR Seven Words You Can't Say On TV bit. Oh yeah? Well, excuse me! (hangs up) Krusty the Clown: Give him ten grand. Krusty's Assisstant: Steve Martin on line two. Krusty the Clown: Ten grand.

Homer: That's it. You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college. Bart: I don't think any of us expected him to say that.

Homer: Wait a minute... there's something bothering me about this place. I know. This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit. Enjoy your death trap ladies. (leaves) Lesbian: What's her problem?

Homer: (thinks) Oh, man. I have to go to the bathroom. Why did I have all that beer and coffee and watermelon? Mr Burns: Now Homer, I know what you're thinking, and I want to take the pressure off. It doesn't take a whiz to see that you're looking out for Number One. (as he speaks, there is a leaky pipe dripping in the background, and Smithers pours him coffee from a pot with a long spout) Mr Burns: Well, listen to me, and you'll make a big splash very soon! (He gestures, knocking his coffee cup and causing some to spill into the saucer) Homer: Oh, which way to the bathroom?

Grampa: We can't bust heads like we used to. But we have our ways. One trick is to tell stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for m'shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt. Which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Gimme five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now where was I... oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. You couldn't get white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...

Krusty the Clown: (while recording talking doll voices) One. Hey hey, kids, I'm talking Krusty. Two. Hey hey, kids. Here comes Slideshow Mel, I mean, Sideshow Mel. Four. (laughs) Bada bing, bada boom. I'm done. Learn from the professionals, kid. (leaves) Technician: Uh... we're ready to roll, Krusty. Krusty?

(Homer and Mr Burns are playing golf; Homer is in a sand trap) Mr Burns: For god sakes, man. Use an open-faced club. The sand wedge. Homer: Mmmmm... open-faced club sandwich.

Milhouse: Step over this line and say that. I'll kick your butt... at Nintendo.

Dr Nick: Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use pop tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon. Bart: You could brush your teeth with milkshakes. Dr Nick: Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too?

Marge: Well if loving my kids is lame, then I guess I'm just a big lame.

Nelson: Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.

Principal Skinner: Up yours, children.

(At the St. Patrick's Day Parade) Kent Brockman: All this drinking, violence, destruction of property... are these the things that we think of when we think of the Irish?

Nelson: Hey, I'm on TV. Fart.

Homer: All right, to find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders. Homer's Brain: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o. And I wear the same stupid sweater every day... Homer: The Springfield River!

(Bart finds Jay Sherman hanging from the roof by his underwear) Bart: (laughs) You bad-mouthed MacGyver, din't you?

Chief Wiggum: Your story is very compelling, Mr Jackass, um, Simpson. Let me just type it up on my invisible typewriter. Homer: Fine. You don't have to humiliate me. (leaves, a man enters carrying a blowtorch) Man: I just torched a building downtown and I'm afraid I'll do it again. Chief Wiggum: Right. Let me just type that up on my invisible typewriter.

Chief Wiggum: Uh, Mrs Simpson, I have some bad news. Your husband was found DOA. Marge: Oh my god. He's dead? Chief Wiggum: Oh, wait, I mean DWI. I always get those two mixed up. (a woman walks in) Woman: My name's Mrs Phillips. You said my husband is DWI? Chief Wiggum: Uh... why don't you talk to that officer over there? I'm going out to lunch.

(looking at a board marking the cat burglar's victimized houses) Chief Wiggum: What do you think of this, boys? Eddie: Well, it doesn't look like anything, but if you move these two here, and this one here... Chief Wiggum: It almost looks like an arrow. Lou: And it's pointing right at this police station. Chief Wiggum: Let's get out of here! (everyone runs)

Rev. Lovejoy: Now Homer, feel free to tell us anything. There's no judgment here. Homer: The other day I was so desperate for a beer that I snuck into the football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers. Rev. Lovejoy: I cast thee out!

Chief Wiggum: All right, come out with your hands up, two cups of coffee, an auto freshener that says "Capricorn", and something with coconut on it.

Jay Sherman: Hey, McBain. Your shoe's untied. Rainer Wolfcastle: (after many hours pass) Upon closer inspection, these appear to be loafers.

(Apu reveals the entrance to his secret garden) Lisa: Wow, a hidden staircase. But what do you do if someone wants a non-alcoholic beer? Apu: You know, it's never come up...

Homer: And to think I turned to a cult for mindless happiness when I had beer all along. Marge: Mmmmm... Homer: And you, Marge, the bringer of beer.

Marge: And punish Lisa for lying to us. Homer: All right, young lady. March yourself right down to the Quik-E-Mart and get me some chips and a beer.

Homer: Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.

(Homer places Bart in front of a sexy billboard) Homer: Well, it's been two hours. How do you feel? Bart: I dunno. I kinda want a cigarette. Homer: That's good. Let's get you a pack. What's your brand? Bart: Anything slim. Homer: D'oh!

Lou: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place. Chief Wiggum: Forget it. That's two blocks away. Lou: Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney. Chief Wiggum: I am proceeding on foot. Call in a code 8. Lou: (on the radio) We need pretzels. Repeat, pretzels.

(Grampa pays a visit) Marge: Where are we going to put him? Homer: Bart's room. Lisa: Bart's room. Marge: Bart's room. Bart: Dumpster.

Krusty the Clown: Here's a feature never before seen on TV - dumb pet tricks. Catch the rubber ball, Fifi. (the dog goes for Krusty's nose) AH. SOMEBODY SHOOT IT. SOMEBODY SHOOT IT.

Marge: How's Bart's tutoring going? Lisa: Mom, the only thing Bart's tutoring is guerilla warfare in Shelbyville. Marge: Come again? Lisa: Mom, Bart went with a bunch of kids to go wage war on Shelbyville. Marge: Homer, come quick. Bart quit his tutoring job and joined a violence gang.

(forming a vigilante group) Homer: All right, I'll be Cue Ball. Barney can be Eight Ball, Lenny will be Twelve Ball, and Moe, you'll be Cue Ball. Moe: You're an idiot.

Homer: You know Bart, maybe it's just the concussion talking, but anyway you chose to live your life is OK. Bart: Huh? Lisa: He thinks you're gay. Bart: He thinks I'm gay?

(Homer reads label on medicinal pot) Homer: Caution, objects may apppear more edible than they actually are.

Homer: Its been three days and my mind is clearer, my sperm count is up and I'm able to recognise simple shapes and patterns. Lisa: Dad, you just said that three minutes ago.

Bart: As long as you're doing things for me, will you tie up your bathrobe when you walk around the house? Homer: NEVER.

(Homer is teaching a Successful Marriage course) Homer: Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as: the process of removing weeds from one's garden.

Homer: Look everyone, now that I'm a teacher I've sewn patches on my elbows. Marge: Homer that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed jacket, not the other way around. You've ruined a perfectly good jacket. Homer: Correction, Marge. (He holds up a tweed jacket with two large holes in the back) Homer: Two perfectly good jackets.

Mr Burns: As punishment for your desertion, it's company policy to give you the plague.

(trying to get out of work) Homer: Hey, where's Charlie? How'd he get out of this? Carl: He's at home on disability. Lenny: Yeah, he got injured on the job and they just sent him home with pay. It's like a lottery that rewards stupidity. Homer: Stupidity, eh?

Kent Brockman: "What are you lookin' at?" - the innocent words of a drunken child.

(Upon receiving death threat letter written in blood) Homer: Oh my God. Someone's trying to kill me. Oh, wait, it's for Bart.

Lisa: This is pretty far to go just to spite Moe, isn't it? Homer: It's not about spite, it's about petty revenge, and getting back at that traitor Moe.

Smithers: What's wrong with this country? Can't a man walk down the street without being offered a job?

Marge: Look at this place. The house number is spelled out with letters. Homer: Get used to it, honey. From now on we'll be spelling everything with letters.

Marge: The only thing I asked you to do for this party was put on clothes, and you didn't do it.

Apu: The fact that I cannot bowl wreaks havoc with my self-esteem too, hey, but who am I to complain?

(Moe is on a soap opera) Moe: Cleo, you've brought music to my heart, but this relationship can never last. I mean, I'm a doctor and you're a 5000-year-old mummy I brought back to life.

(Homer throws pudding at Lenny's face) Lenny: Ow, my eye. I'm not supposed to get pudding in it.

Smithers: Actually, thanks to our creative bookkeeping and corporate loopholes, we only pay about $3 in taxes a year. Mr Burns: $3? We're getting screwed.

Chief Wiggum: (after pulling over Troy McClure) I'll tear this ticket up, but I'm, um, still going to have to ask you for a bribe.

Apu: Apu, you gotta help me! I need a Valentine's gift for my wife! Homer: Perhaps this might be appropriate? (takes out a box of chocolates in a heart-shaped box) Homer: Yes! You saved my life. How much? Apu: One hundred dollars. Homer: WHAT? That's highway robbery, I won't pay it! Apu: Oh, I think you will. Homer: Forget it, pal! (Homer starts to leave the store, Apu hums peacefully) Homer: All right! But I'll never shop here again! Apu: (thinking) If he discovers the discount supermarket next door, all is lost. Apu: Nickel off on expired baby food. Homer: Sold!

Grampa: Whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear. It holds the answer to all the important questions. (pulls out underwear) Grampa: Let's see, first name, first name... (reading) "call me... Abraham Simpson." Lisa: Grampa, how'd you take off your underwear without taking off your pants? Grampa: I don't know.

Mr Burns: (opens his germ-free chamber and sees Homer in it, eating a sandwich) Who the devil are you? Homer's Brain: Don't panic. Just come up with a good story. Homer: My name is Mr Burns. Homer's Brain: D'oh!

Apu: The aspirin is $24.95. Marge: $24.95? Apu: I lowered the price because an escaped mental patient tampered with the bottle.

Herb: (rings Simpsons' bell) Now, what do I do? I mean, this is the guy who ruined me. Then again, he's my brother... So many conflicting emotions. How to express them? Homer: (opens door) Herb. (Herb punches him in the face)

Homer: Oh well. At least we'll die doing what we love: inhaling molten rock.

Mr Burns: I'll have my lunch now: a single pillow of shredded wheat, some steamed toast, and a dodo egg. Homer: But I think the dodo went extinct... Mr Burns: Get going. And answer those phones, install a computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills.

Willy: If your dad goes ga-ga, you just use that shinn' of yours to call me and I'll come a' running. But DON'T be reading my mind between four and five. That's Willy's time!

(after Springfield floods, Ned rides out of his garage on a boat filled with animals) Ned Flanders: I've got two of every animal, but only males. Don't want any hanky panky. (Some of the animals start making noise off-screen) Ned Flanders: Now cut that out.

(at Itchy & Scratchy Land) Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson. Your son has been arrested. Woman: I'd be terribly embarrassed if I was that boy's mother. Marge: Mmmmm... Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson. We've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son. Marge: Mmmmmmm...

Homer: I've joined the Naval Reserve. Barney: I'm not going to let anything happen to my best friend. I'm joining too. Moe: I'm not going to let anything happen to my two best customers, I'm joining, too. Apu: Even though my religion strictly forbids military service, what the hey.

(onboard a submarine) Homer: Mr Moe, prepare to surface. Moe: You want to stop calling me Mr Moe? Homer: No.

Homer: All right, Marge. We'll get your nanny. And to pay for it, I'll give up the Civil War Recreation Society I love so much. (cut to Moe's) Moe: All right, Homer's out. We'll need a new General Ambrose Burnside. Barney: I'm not too fond of our Stonewall Jackson, either. Apu: The South shall COME AGAIN.

Marge: Lisa, hello. How are you doing in England? Remember, an elevator is called a "lift", a mile is called a "kilometer" and botulism is called "steak and kidney pie".

Homer: Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy. Marge: What's that? Homer: A dinosaur.

Marge: I have nothing to say to you. Homer: But Marge, I was a political prisoner. Marge: How were you a political prisoner? Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a diagram?

Bodyguard: Who's going to protect you? Mayor Quimby: (points to Homer) HIM. Homer: WOOHOO! Marge: Homer, I don't think you were listening to what they just... Homer: I said "WOO. HOO."

(Homer is drunk) Homer: Have you ever seen that Blue Man Group? Total ripoff of the Smurfs. And the Smurfs, well, they SUCK.

(At an American embassy) Homer: (points to guard) Hey, look. You're one of those guards like at Buckingham Palace. I can do whatever I want, and you can't do anything. (starts dancing and pulling stupid faces) Guard: (punches Homer in the face) No, sir. United States Marine Corps, sir.

Jimbo: Dude, buzz has it an even wussier kid has an even better pool than this! (all the kids jump out, leaving Lisa stood at the bottom of an empty pool) Lisa: Hello? Hey, I'm stuck in here! I gotta think of a way to get out! Lisa's Brain: Well, well, well... look who's come crawling back.

(Wiggum's car plunges into a landfill) Chief Wiggum: And to think, those stupid environmentalists were protesting this landfill. Homer: Solid waste. I could kiss you. (kiss it) EWWW... (kisses it) OOH... (kisses it) BLECH... (kisses it) OOH, I think this was pizza...

Chief Wiggum: Oh my god, somebody took a bite out of the giant rice krispy square. Oh, and the waiter's been brutally beaten.

(Kent Brockman is covering a summer camp mutiny) Kent Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Afghanistan, and Iraq, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together.

Lisa: I don't think anyone in this family could be capable of murder. Grampa: You never know what people are capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane. But last year, I proved myself wrong.

Lisa: (running past Moe's) It's noon. That's usually when dad gets the brew shakes.

(Moe turns his bar into a comedy club) Marge: Four drink minimum? Homer: I'll cover you, honey.

Homer: (reading) "Dear Homer, I owe you one emergency donut. Signed, Homer." (crumbles up paper) Bastard. He's always one step ahead.

Homer: English side ruined, must use French side... LE GRILLE? what the hell is that?

(prank calling Dean Peterson) Homer: Hello, Dean? You're a stupidhead. Dean Peterson: Homer, is that you? (looks out window, sees Homer on a pay phone across the street) Homer: (looks up, sees the Dean) AAH! (runs away)

Frank Grimes: Can you believe that guy? He fell asleep inside a radiation suit. Lenny: He had three beers at lunch. That would make anyone sleepy.

(Homer and Marge go skinny dipping and Wiggum's helicopter flies overhead. They scream) Chief Wiggum: Do not be alarmed. Continue swimming naked. Oh, come on! Continue! Come on! Aw... all right, Lou, open fire.

Nelson: HA HA. Milhouse: Nelson, he's really hurt. I think he broke his leg. Nelson: I said, "HA HA."

Homer: Bart, if foodstuffs should touch the ground, said foodstuffs shall be turned over to the village idiot. Since I don't see him around, start shoveling.

(Homer has changed his to Max Power) Homer: Kids. From now on there are three ways of doing things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way. Bart: Isn't that just the wrong way? Homer: Yes, but faster. (Homer walks into a cactus)

Homer: Well, kids, it's Valentine's Day. You know what that means? Bart: We get to watch TV with the sound turned way up. Lisa: What are you and mom going to be doing? Homer: Oh, we're going to be upstairs, making love... ly rope ladders in case of a fire.

(Homer's reading a book about corporate success) Homer: Tip #1- "Live every day as if it was your last". Done and done. (cut to Homer sitting on a curb, crying) I don't want to die. I'm so young.

Marge: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested? Marge: Well, honey... Homer: Let me handle this, Marge. I've heard 'em all. (ticking off on his fingers) "I like you as a friend", "I think we should see other people", "I no speak English"... Lisa: I get the idea. Homer: "I'm married to the sea", "I don't want to kill you, but I will"... Marge: Honey! Lisa, I'd tell this boy you're flattered, but you're just not ready for this sort of thing. Lisa: Thanks, Mom. Homer: And if that doesn't work- six simple words: "I'm not gay but I'll learn."

(trying to get into George Bush's house) Homer: Hey, Bush. Get out here. Secret Service Agent: Excuse me sir, where're you going? Homer: I'm going to punch George Bush in the face. Secret Service Agent: OK, is he expecting you?

Homer: Hehehe... Clowns are funny.

Homer: (singing) I'm shavin' my shoulders.

(an African American man dressed like a Gangsta rapper stops Bart in the hallway) Man: Hey, this class is aces. You go from 'slopper' to 'proper' like. Bart: Cool. (Rushes into the room where an old lady is teaching an etiquette class) Old Lady: The proper gentlemen... Bart: Etiquette class? But the guy outside said... Old Lady: Are you accusing my husband of *misleading* you? Good gracious. I should bust a cap in your ass.

(Homer has given Bart a "cursed" Krusty doll) Grampa: That doll is evil, I tells ya! Evil! EEEE-VIL! Marge: Grampa, you said that about all the presents. Grampa: I just want attention.

Ned Flanders: They were bigger than Jesus.

Bart: How come we haven't heard anything about your second album? Bart: What did you do, screw up like The Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus? Homer: All the time. In fact, that was the title of our second album.

(Homer is on trial in the court of "Infernal Affairs") Lionel Hutz: Mrs Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night, the sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.

Principal Skinner: (over intercom) Attention. All honor roll students will be rewarded by a trip to an archaeological dig. Also, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archaeological dig.

Marge: Homer, Kang is Maggie's father. Homer: You intergalactic hussy. (cries) Was he better than me?

Dr Nick: 'Inflammable' means flammable? What a country.

(Homer is in a car with hippies Seth and Munchie. Marge is walking down the street) Homer: Hi Marge. We're freaking out squares. Marge: Oh, Lord... Homer: What's in your brand new bag, momma? Marge: Oh, it's that pair of Dockers you wanted. Forty-eight waist with the balloon seat, right? Homer: (panicking) Marge, not in front of the hippies. (Seth and Munchie laugh)

Chief Wiggum: (speaking on megaphone) Attention hippies. Come out peacefully so we can smash your drug mill and all your worldly possessions.

(Homer has to write his full name on an application form but he doesn't know what his middle initial stands for) Bart: Uh, so Dad, regarding that form, why not just make up a middle name? Lisa: You might as well. You already made up a phony film credit. Homer: No. Homer Simpson does not lie twice on the same form. He never has and he never will. Marge: You lied dozens of times on our mortgage application. Homer: Yeah, but they were all part of a single ball of lies. The point is, I'm a grown man, and I deserve a middle name.

(Homer dies after eating a piece of broccoli) Homer: Saint Peter. Woo hoo. Got to heaven before you, Flanders. (wiggles his butt at Earth below) Ha-ha-haha-ha.

(educational film: "The Meat Council Presents... Meat and You: Partners in Freedom. Number 3F03 in the 'Resistance is Useless' series.") Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such educational films as "Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun" and "Firecrackers: The Silent Killer".

Agnes Skinner: 'Nuff talk, it's smashin' time.

Homer: I'm a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.

Lisa: Cheer up, Dad. Did you know the Chinese use the same word for 'crisis' as they do for 'opportunity'? Homer: Yes. Crisitunity.

(Homer has joined a crew of "lost souls") Woman: We wander the seven seas trying to forget. Homer: Forget what? Englishman: Oh, boy, here we go. Woman: My story of jilted love is long and bittersweet. If anyone has to go to the bathroom, go now. I don't want you walking around during my story. Englishman: My story's better, it has tigers.

Ed Begley, Jr: I prefer a vehicle that doesn't hurt Mother Earth. It's a go cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction.

Marge: Ooh. I never knew Jim Belushi made so many movies. Homer: Yeah, isn't it amazing? They're filming one right now in the bathroom. It's gonna be on towards the end of the flight. (a camera crew films Jim Belushi walking down the aisle) Belushi: Toga. Toga. Toga 2000. Homer: Marge. They stole my idea.

Homer: Well, I've always been a firm believer in the three R's. Reading TV Guide, um... Writing to TV Guide, um... and Renewing TV Guide.

Homer: If you don't start making more sense, we're going to have to put you in a home. Grampa: You already put me in a home. Homer: Then we'll put you in the crooked home we saw on 60 Minutes. Grampa: (cowering) I'll be good.

Kent Brockman: Tonight on Eye on Springfield, we meet a man who's been hiccupping for 45 years. Man: (hic) Kill me. (hic) Kill me.

Marge: Homer, I'd like to talk to you. Homer: But then I won't be watching TV. You can see the bind I'm in.

Lisa: (takes the monkey's paw) I wish for world peace. (a finger on the paw closes) Homer: Lisa, that was very selfish of you.

Troy McClure: I'm actor Troy McClure. You might remember me from such TV series as "Buck Henderson, Union Buster" and "Troy and Company's Summertime Smile Factory". Today I'm here to tell you about "Spiffy.", the 21st century stain remover. Let's meet the inventor, Dr Nick Riviera. Dr Nick: Thank you, Troy. Hi, everybody. Crowd: Hi, Dr Nick.

Nelson: (to Bart) Hey, Simpson, where's your Losermobile? Homer: Losermobile, heh heh heh... wait a minute.

Woman: We're having a free get acquainted session at our resort this weekend. Homer: How much is this free resort weekend? Man: It's free. Homer: And when *is* this weekend? Man: It's this weekend. Homer: Uh-huh, and how much does it cost? Man: Um, it's free. Homer: I see, and when is it? Man: It's this weekend. Homer: And what are you *charging* for this free weekend?

Lunchlady Doris: Yon meat, 'tis sweet as summer's wafting breeze. Homer: Can I have some? Lunchlady Doris: Mine ears are only open to the pleas of those who speak ye olde English. Homer: Sweet maiden of the spit, grant now my boon, that I might sup on some suckling pig this noon. Lunchlady Doris: Whatever.

Homer: OK, Marge, I'll plan everything: we can have the reception at Moe's. Wait. Why not have the whole wedding there? We'll do it on a Monday morning. There'll be fewer drunks. Marge: Homer, don't be offended, but I've obtained a court order to prevent you from planning this wedding.

Mayor Quimby: You can't seriously want to ban alcohol. It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism. Helen Lovejoy: Oh. (sobs) Won't somebody please think of the children?

Homer: Ooh, it's been St. Patrick's Day for hours, and I'm still not drunk yet.

Moe: I've been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, but never ugly ugly.

Moe: It's like my dad always said: eventually, everybody gets shot.

(Homer has just performed the good deed he needs to get into heaven) Homer: There, did you see that? Saint Peter: Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't looking. Homer: I thought you guys were always watching. Saint Peter: No, you're thinking of Santa Claus.

Bart: Hey, dad. Heard you were swearing. Mind if I join in? Crap, boobs, crap!

Manjula: Oh, little Maggie, aren't you cute with your little bow. (does baby-talk) Marge: Maggie loves baby talk. Manjula: That was Hindi.

Waiter: The Spruce Caboose, the biggest, most expensive train ever built. Some said it was too big to stay on the tracks. (Points to a picture of the train lying on its side and chuckles) Waiter: They were right.

Bart: Well, Milhouse. Ready to imitate that Jackass show? Milhouse: The disclaimers make me want to do it more.

(Homer has just been shot) Lisa: You know, Dad, that's probably something you should go to the hospital for. Homer: After pie.

Homer: Oh, I've eaten eight different meats. I am a true renaissance man. (takes a huge bite of pork) Lisa: I'll go to the first aid tent and tell them to plug in ye olde stomach pump.

Homer: (to Marge) You know, I've had a lot of jobs... boxer, mascot, astronaut, imitation Krusty, baby-proofer, trucker, hippie, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carny, mayor, grifter, bodyguard for the mayor, country western manager, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E-Mart clerk, homophobe and missionary. But protecting Springfield, that gives me the best feeling of all.

Mr Burns: What are you doing in my corpse hatch? Chief Wiggum: Mr Burns, you're under arrest for murder. Mr Burns: Uh, did I say corpse hatch? I meant innocence tube.

(Bart and Homer are about to race their horse) Homer: Don't worry. I've seen enough of the "Horse Whisperer" to know how to win a race. Homer: (whispers to horse) When you're on the race track, run really fast.

(a Lady compliments Barney's movie) Barney: You're very kind. Lady: Excuse me, did something crawl down your throat and die? Barney: It didn't die.

Larry Burns: This place is emptier than a Scottish pay toilet.

Homer: What does the I stand for? Tour Guide: Important. Homer: Ah. And the V? Tour Guide: Very. Homer: One more question... Tour Guide: Person. Homer: I see. What's the I stand for again?

Chief Wiggum: Book 'em, Lou. (points to the bear) One count of being a bear. (points to Barney) And one count of being an accessory to being a bear.

Lisa: This is your chance to get a fair shake for the working man. Homer: And make life-long connections to the world of organized crime. Mmm... organized crime.

Moe: Hey, Homer came up with the drink, but I came up with the idea of charging $6.95 for it.

Homer: (reading the newspaper) Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep. I was drunk.

(Homer's TV interview) Homer: Someone had to take the babysitter home. And that's when I noticed that she was sitting on her (edit) sweet can. So I grab (edit) her (edit) sweet can. Ooh, just thinking about her (edit) can (edit) I wish I had another (edit) sweet s-s-s-s-s-s-s-weeet...

Kent Brockman: Simpson scandal update: Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent which he believes gives him sexual powers! Homer: HEY! That's a half-truth!

(Homer's job interview with the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant) Smithers: Now, let's say that there's something wrong with the reactor... Homer: There's a problem with the reactor? We're all gonna die. (Homer runs out, screaming)

Nelson: I can't sing without dancing. J.C. Chasez, Justin Timberlake, Lance Bass, Joey Fatone, Chris Kirkpatrick: Fine. Thrust, spin, turn, pivot, pout, jiggy, jiggy, robot, dosido, and close with a Matrix. Nelson: Nobody pouts going into a jiggy. Milhouse: Yeah, that's stupid. Ralph: I want to twirl.

Homer: Save a guy's life, and what do you get? Nothing! Worse than nothing! Just a big, scary rock! Bart: Hey, don't knock the head, man. Marge: Homer, you don't do things like that to be rewarded! The moral of the story is that a good deed is its own reward! Bart: But we got a reward, the head is cool! Marge: Well, then maybe the moral is, no good deed goes unrewarded. Homer: Wait a minute! If I hadn't written that nasty letter we wouldn't have gotten anything. Marge: Mmmm... then I guess the moral is, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Lisa: Maybe there is no moral, Mom. Homer: Exactly! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened. Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days. Homer: Amen to that. (the whole family laughs)

Chief Wiggum: Where on my badge does it say anything about protecting people? Lou: Uh, second word, chief.

(Before setting sail on a submarine) Captain Tonielle: Any Questions? Homer: Is a Poop Deck what I think it is? (laughing) Captain Tonielle: I like the cut of your jib. Homer: What's a Jib? Captain: Promote that man at once.

(R.E.M. is playing in Homer's garage) Peter Buck: Michael, are you sure these guys are millionaires? Michael Stipe: Of course I'm sure, would a poor person afford to have a bar in his garage?

Moe: You can't run a bar in your garage, it's illegal. Homer: Bar? This isn't a bar. This is a hunting club. Michael Stipe: You lied to us. (Michael Stipe smashes a beer bottle and tries to attack Homer) Peter Buck: Michael, no. Mike Mills: It's not the R.E.M. way. Michael Stipe: You're right. Come on, let's recycle these shards and get out of here.

(Homer is working at a drive-thru window) Homer: Yeah, what do you want? Marge: My husband by my side. Homer: You want fries with that?

(the writers of MAD Magazine are in conference) Writer: Why don't we call it "Everybody HATES Raymond"? (Everybody laughs) Chairman: Well, we had to stay here all night, but it was worth it.

Doctor: This can't be right. This man has 104% body fat. (he looks and sees Homer eating a drumstick) Hey, no eating in the tank! Homer Simpson: Go to hell.

Cecil: Now make yourself at home. Perhaps a glass of Bordeaux? I have the '82 Chateau Latour and a rather indifferent Rausan. Sideshow Bob: I've been in prison, Cecil. I'll be happy just as long as it doesn't taste like orange drink fermented under a radiator. Cecil: That would be the Latour, then.

(after being transported into the "Itchy & Scratchy Show") Bart: Lise, look. We're characters in a cartoon show. Lisa: How humiliating.

(filing out medical forms) Mr Burns: Social security number? Naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, 2. Damn Roosevelt. Cause of parents death? Got in my way.

George Bush: If they don't think George Bush will go into the sewer, they don't know George Bush.

Moe: Don't worry, I learned how to make plenty of drinks at bartending school. (reading off an old mixed drink recipe list) Moe: Gin and... tonic? Do they mix?

Homer: Moe, gimme a beer quick. I've got five minutes before the music store closes. Moe: Why don't you just go there first? Homer: Hey, I don't tell you how to do *your* job. Moe: Sorry, Homer. Homer: You know, if you tip the glass, you won't get so much foam on top. Moe: Sorry, Homer.

(Homer looks at goldfish in a pond) Homer Simpson: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm... unprocessed fish sticks.

(on TV, during an "Itchy & Scratchy" cartoon) Quentin Tarantino: What I'm trying to say in this cartoon is that violence is everywhere in our society, you know, it's like even in breakfast cereal, man. (Itchy cuts off his head and him and Scratchy dance around it)

(Bart is trying to convince Marge and Homer to let Otto live in their garage) Marge: Well, Homer, doesn't the Bible say, "Whatsoever you do unto even the least of my brothers, that you do unto me?" Homer: Yes, but doesn't the Bible also say, "Thou shalt not take... moochers into thy... hut?"

Ned Flanders: You know, a man came into the store today and asked for change for a dollar, and I accidentally gave him three quarters. Took me all afternoon just to track him down.

(Mr Burns made a bet that the plant softball team would beat Shelbyville) Mr Burns: I've decided to bring in a few ringers, professional baseballers. We'll give them token jobs at the plant and have them play on our softball team. Honus Wagner, Cap Anson, Mordecai "Three-Finger" Brown... Smithers: Uh, sir? Mr Burns: What is it, Smithers? Smithers: I'm afraid all of those players have retired and, uh... passed on. In fact, your right-fielder has been dead for a hundred and thirty years.

(Mr Burns hired a hypnotist to make the plant softball team win) Hypnotist: You are all very good players. Players: (chanting in unison) We are all very good players. Hypnotist: You will beat Shelbyville. Players: (chanting in unison) We will beat Shelbyville. Hypnotist: You will give one hundred and ten percent. Players: (chanting in unison) That's impossible. No one can give more than one hundred percent. By definition that is the most anyone can give.

(to Bart, who has mis-cast a spell to change a frog into a prince) Mrs Krabappel: Sloppy work, as usual. Lisa's casting spells at an eighth-grade level. You've sinned against nature.

(Homer has asked Moe for a loan) Moe: Sure, Homer, I can loan you the money. However, since you have no collateral, I'm gonna have to break your legs in advance. Homer: Gee, Moe, that seems a bit extreme. Couldn't you just bash my brains in? Moe: Are you a loan shark? Do you understand how finance works? (Pulls out a sledgehammer) Now, let's do this thing.

Anthony Kiedis: You told our agent this place holds 30,000 people. Moe: It does. We had 30,000 here last night. Now play. The audience is getting restless. Barney: (flicking a lighter) We want chilly-willy. We want chilly-willy.

Apu: Mrs Simpson, bathroom is not for customers. Please use the crack house across the street.

Govt Agent: (about Homer's mail) Most people write to movie stars, this guy writes to movies. (reads letter) Dear Die Hard, you rock. Especially the part where that dude is on the rooftop. P.S. Do you know Mad Max?

(Homer is driving a stake into the vampire Burns) Lisa: Um Dad, that's his crotch.

Homer: Olive oil? Asparagus? If your mother wasn't so fancy, we could just shop at the gas station like normal people.

(looking at a corporate logo with Lisa's face) Moe: It makes Little Debbie look like a pile of puke.

Kent Brockman: (Doing a live newscast) How can I prove that we're live? Penis.

Bart: Lis, you made the school worse than it already was. It wasn't exactly San Diego State to begin with.

Lisa: Watch it, Dad, you're the highly suggestible type. Homer: Yes, I am the highly suggestible type.

Bart: You could be my father figure. Homer: No way. I'm not getting my finger prints on that train wreck.

Homer: I've joined the Movementarians, Marge. Marge: You WHAT? Homer: I've joined the Movementarians. And so have all of you. Marge: We WHAT? Homer: All I had to give them was our life savings, the deed to our house, and a commitment of 10 trillion years of labor. Marge: I can't go along with this, Homer. Homer: Marge, when I join an underground cult, I expect a little support from my family. Lisa: Do you think you might have been brainwashed, Dad? Homer: I haven't been brainwashed. (Goes glassy eyed) Kill the girl. Kill the girl.

Mr Burns: You see me as a God, right, Smithers? Smithers: Absolutely, sir. Mr Burns: You'd kneel before me, wouldn't you? Smithers: Boy, would I.

Bart: (praying) God, please give me one more chance to study, give me a snow day, or a power outage, or a teacher's strike, anything, please! Lisa: Prayer: the last refuge of the scoundrel.

Bart: We came to talk to you about your son. Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: I have no son! (slams the door in their faces) Bart: Oh, great. We came all this way and it's the wrong guy. (opens the door) Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: I didn't mean that literally.

Lisa: We've been going about this all wrong, Bart. What's the one thing Rabbis prize above everything else? Bart: Those stupid hats? Lisa: No, Bart, knowledge. We're gonna hit him where it hurts. Right in the Judaica.

Bart: Oy, this guy's tough.

(Mr Burns sees one of his hounds limping and wheezing) Mr Burns: What's wrong with Crippler? Smithers: Oh, he's getting on, sir. He's been here since the late-'60s. Mr Burns: Ah, yes. I'll never forget the day he bagged his first hippie. That young man didn't think it was too "groovy".

Mr Burns: I'm looking for something in an attack dog, one who likes the sweet, gamey tang of human flesh. Hmm, why here's the fellow. Wiry, fast, firm proud buttocks... reminds me of me.

Mr Burns: Now, as an attack dog you'll be expected to neutralize intruders. Smithers: Wanna buy some cookies? Wanna buy some cookies? (Santa's Little Helper starts licking Smithers' face) Mr Burns: Oh, if that were a real Girl Scout, I'd have been bothered by now.

Smithers: I hate to interrupt your longevity treatment, sir, but there's a sweet little boy at the door. Mr Burns: (muffled, from behind the glass) Release the hounds.

Louie: It's him all right. Should I shoot him gangland style or execution style? Fat Tony: Listen to your heart.

(after Louie empties a rifle at Homer, but misses) Fat Tony: We need more ammo, let's go to Big Five.

Mr Burns: All right, let's make this sporting, Leonard. If you can tell me why I shouldn't fire you without using the letter "e," you can keep your job. Lenny: Uh, okay. I'm a good... work... guy... Mr Burns: You're fired. Lenny: But I didn't say it. Mr Burns: You will. (He pulls a lever, dropping Lenny down a trapdoor) Lenny: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

(while digging a mine shaft to rescue Bart from a well) Apu: (gasp) The canary. Groundskeeper Willie: GAS. OUT OF THE HOLE. (everyone runs out yelling; above ground, Dr Hibbert examines the canary) Dr Hibbert: Gentlemen, this canary died of natural causes. Groundskeeper Willie: BACK IN THE HOLE. (everyone runs back in, yelling)

Lisa: Where's Dad? Marge: Your father is... resting. Bart: "Resting" hung over? "Resting" got fired? Help me out here.

NRC Agent: We're from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. This is a surprise test of worker competence. Mr Burns: There must be some mistake. We, uh, we make cookies here. Mr Burns' old-fashioned, good-time, extra-chewy...

Mr Burns: The watchdog of public safety. Is there any lower form of life?

Kent Brockman: Now, Mr Burns, you said you wanted an opening tirade. Mr Burns: Yes, thank you, Kent. Fifteen minutes from now, I will wreak a terrible vengeance on this city. No one will be spared. NO ONE. Kent Brockman: (chuckles) A chilling portrait of things to come.

Sideshow Bob: I'll be back. You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I'm back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies. (laughs maniacally)

Lisa: How's dad today? Marge: Not too good, Lisa. Frankly, he's under the table.

(Suggestions on how to spend Mr Burns' $3 million) Apu: Pardon me, but I would like to see this money spent on more police officers. I have been shot eight times this year, and as a result, I almost missed work. Chief Wiggum: Crybaby.

Mr Burns: I could crush him like an ant, but that would be too easy. I'll bide my time until... oh, what the hell, I'll just crush him like an ant.

Mr Burns: Right now I'll be taking my puppies back. Lisa: But they're ours, you stole them from us. (gives her a cell phone) Mr Burns: Here's a phone. Call somebody who cares. (Lisa dials "9", "1,"...) Mr Burns: Give me that.

Marge: Homer, when I asked you if you bought that dummy to fake your death, you told me "no".

(while listening to a football game on a Walkman in church) Homer: Please, please, please, please... Sportscaster: Yes, it's good. Homer: IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD. It's... good to see you all today.

Grandma Van Houten: A caller at this hour? You dial nine-one, then when I say so, dial one again.

Principal Skinner: Willie, sometime over the holiday the beloved grade four gerbil, uh... "Superdude," lost his life. I need you to air out the classroom and give Superdude a proper burial.

(after watching a film on sex education) Bart: How would I go about creating a half-man, half-monkey-type creature? Mrs Krabappel: I'm sorry, that would be playing God. Bart: God-schmod, I want my monkey man.

Herb: Lisa, aren't you happy to see me? Lisa: Why didn't you write, Unky Herb? Herb: Hey, if I wrote to you, what was I supposed to say? "Dear Lisa, last night I used a rat for a pillow, thanks to your pop?" Lisa: I see your point.

Reverend Lovejoy: Get a divorce. Helen Lovejoy: Mmm-hmm. Marge: But isn't that a sin? Reverend Lovejoy: Marge, just about everything's a sin. (holds up a Bible) Y'ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we're not supposed to go to the bathroom.

Patty: The older they get, the cuter they ain't. Aww, look. The baby just spit up.

Mr Burns: This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they'll have finished the greatest novel known to man. (reads a page) Mr Burns: All right, let's see... "It was the best of times, it was the BLURST of times?" You stupid monkey.

Professor Frink: All right, according to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is... love? Who's been screwing with this thing?

Marge: We can't afford to buy a pony. Homer: Marge, with today's gasoline prices, we can't afford not to buy a pony.

(Homer has to buy Lisa a pony) Mellicent: Our ponies start at five thousand dollars, cash. Homer: Isn't there like a pound where you can pick up cheap ponies that ran away from home?

Bart: How come Lisa gets a pony? Homer: Because she stopped loving me. Bart: I don't love you either, so give me a moped. Homer: And I know you love me, so you don't get squat.

(lyrics to song by superstar Nelson Muntz) / Nelson Muntz Joy to the world / the teacher's dead. / We Bar-be-qued her head. / And then we took her body... / and flushed it down the potty. / And 'round and 'round it goes. / And 'round and 'round it goes.

Apu: Elton John. Elton John: That's my name. Well, not really. Apu: I hate to sound like a screaming fan, but... (plane flies just overhead them) Elton John: That maniac nearly killed us. Apu: Shall I "Take You to the Pilot?" You see, because that is your song. Elton John: I hear you. Apu: Yes, "Somebody Saved Your Life Tonight." Elton John: Cut it out. Apu: Oh, well, "The Bitch is Back."

Lenny: Ah, alcohol and night-swimming. It's a winning combination.

(Homer is talking to Carmen Electra. She knows where his eyes are) Carmen Electra: Homer, my face is UP here. Homer: I've made my choice.

Leon Kompowsky: You know Bart, when I was growing up I didn't have much money. So you know what I did every time my sisters' birthdays rolled around? Bart: Stiffed them? Leon Kompowsky: No Bart, I wrote them a song to show them I cared. Bart: I can't write a song! I'm only ten. Leon Kompowsky: ONLY ten?, When I was your age, I had six Gold records. Bart: Hey, Looney Tunes! (pulls out the Thriller album) Bart: THIS is what Michael Jackson looks like! You just look like a big, fat mental patient! Leon Kompowsky: You'd be amazed how often I hear that, Bart.

Mr Burns: (to a group of senior citizens working for him) I'll take you to the biggest duck-filled pond you ever saw. Grampa: Hot Diggity. That's how they got me to vote for Lyndon LaRouche.

Nelson: ha ha your position has been usurped.

Krusty the Clown: And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.

Marge: Try to be nice to my sisters. It's very hard on me to have you fighting all the time. Homer: Oh, OK Marge, I'll get along with them. Then, I will hug some snakes... yes. I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes. Now that's sarcasm.

(Ned is asked to join in a game) Ned Flanders: Sports on a Sunday? I don't kno... Reverned Lovejoy: Just play the damn game, Ned

Homer: Hey, shouldn't you be at school? Bart: Shouldn't you be at work? Homer: Ah, touché.

(Bart has sold his soul to Milhouse) Milhouse: A pleasure doing business with you. Bart: Anytime, chummm... p.

Marge: Homer, it's easy to criticize. Homer: Fun, too.

(Homer is playing a machine that shoots animated sperm from its gun in the "Let's Make a Baby" section in the knowledgeum) Homer: C'mon, ovulate, damn you. Ovulate. Machine voice: You are out of sperm.

(Sideshowbob is helping Homer, who has just been elected king of Mardi Gras, find his attempted killer) Sideshow Bob: Homer it's a trap. You only won because someone filled the poll with these. (shows votes with all the same handwriting) Homer: Nevertheless, the people have spoken.

Lisa: Dad, I think you're overreacting. Homer: I think you're UNDERreacting. Lisa: This session's over. Homer: This session's UNDER. Lisa: Goodbye. Homer: BADbye.

(Homer is listening to Lisa playing her saxaphone while he's high on marijuana) Bart: Hey, Dad, I thought you hated Lisa's sax. Homer: I did, but now Daddy's new medicine... which you must never use. Because it will ruin your life... helps Daddy see the magical colors that you will never experience... EVER.

(a tape of Ned's childhood. Young Ned hits a little boy) Young Ned Flanders: I'm Dick Tracy. Take that Pruneface. (He hits a little girl) Young Ned Flanders: Now I'm Pruneface. Take that Dick Tracy. (He hits another little boy) Young Ned Flanders: Now Im Prune Tracy. Take that.

Jasper: Are they talking about the bordello? Grampa: No. The burlesque house, so keep your mouth shut.

(Lisa is strangling Bart) Homer: Lisa, no. Your hands are too weak. (begins strangling Bart)

(watching his first Itchy & Scratchy cartoon) Fat Tony: It's funny because it's true.

Homer: That's it. This job is too dangerous. I'm giving this badge to the first person I see. Chief Wiggum: That's funny because this is how I got this job the first time. Marge: Thank you, chief for saving my husband's life. Chief Wiggum: I didn't do anything. They took my gun and my badge. They would have gotten my squad car too if I hadn't hidden it under some hay. Homer: Then who shot all of the gangsters? (Maggie looks out of the window and cocks her gun and hides it under her crib mattress) It's time to go check on Maggie. Marge: Isn't she sweet? She's probably thinking of the day that she shot Mr Burns. Homer: Yeah.

(a la "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?") Gloria S.: Johnny-boy hasn't been able to gut it, man-wise, for some time, not that I'd want stench of gin and sour defeat pressed against me. John S.: That's enough, Gloria! Reverend Lovejoy: John, why don't you speak? John S.: She never cooks, she doesn't keep a clean house, she (shouts) smokes and she drinks and she talks profanely! She's queen of the harpies! Gloria S.: No, I'm not. John S.: (shouts) Queen of the harpies! Gloria S.: No, I'm not. John S.: (shouts) Here's your crown, Your Majesty. Here's your crown! Gloria S.: Get away from me, you swine!

Homer: (rubs a Christmas tree and it catches on fire) Why does everything I love burn?

Homer: I'll be the nicest man in the world! Marge: Homer, you've said that before. Homer: Yes, but this time I'm sober!

Carla Tortelli LeBec: Sammy, you're too old to go on a date with two twins the same night. You're supposed to marry Diane without Rebecca knowin'! Sam 'Mayday' Malone: All right, Carla, I'll make you a bet. If this affects my major league comeback, I'll sell the bar.

Norm Peterson: Woody, gimme a beer. Woody Boyd: I think you've had enough, Mr Peterson. My chiropractor says I can't carry you home anymore. Norm Peterson: Just gimme another beer, ya brain-dead hick! I'll kill ya! I'll kill all of ya! (he breaks a bottle and starts to wave it in Woody's face. Cliff and Frasier start to try and restrain him) Cliff Clavin: Settle down, Normy! Save those pipes for karaoke! (Norm settles down and starts to cry) Norm Peterson: I love you guys! (the first several notes of the "Cheers" theme song are heard. Homer runs out of the bar, screaming)

Jingle singer: Hens love roosters! Geese love ganders! Everybody else loves Ned Flanders! Homer: Not me! Jingle singer: Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders!

(the Adventures of Ned Flanders: Love That God) Todd Flanders: We're not going to church today! Ned Flanders: *What*? You give me one good reason! Todd Flanders: It's Saturday! Ned Flanders: Okely-dokely-doo!

Indian Chief: Drink deep from these cups. The bear urine will make you strong. (Homer and Bart stop drinking) Actually, it's Fresca. Homer Simpson: (Homer does a spit take) Fresca?

Bart: Uh, say, are you guys crooks? Fat Tony: Bart, is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread to feed your starving family? Bart: No. Fat Tony: Well, suppose you got a large starving family. Is it wrong to steal a truckload of bread to feed them? Bart: Uh uh. Fat Tony: And, what if your family don't like bread? They like... cigarettes? Bart: I guess that's okay. Fat Tony: Now, what if instead of giving them away, you sold them at a price that was practically giving them away. Would that be a crime, Bart? Bart: Hell, no.

Fat Tony: Hey Bart, I hope there are no hard feelings. Bart: Get bent. Fat Tony: I deserved that.

(in gym) Homer: Just think, two months ago I didn't know what dumb-bell meant.

(a police officer has mistaken a green-painted Homer for the Incredible Hulk) Stan Lee: He's not the Hulk... I'M the Hulk. (rips shirt, growls and tries to change into Hulk) I don't understand, I did it once before. Comic Book Guy: Oh, please, you couldn't turn into Bill Bixby.

(Homer, Lenny, and Carl are drunk) Lenny: Hey, let's go to the little league diamond and drive around the bases. Carl: No, the Playboy Mansion. Playboy Mansion. Homer Simpson: Shut up. It's my car and I say we're going to the lost city of gold.

news reporter: Don't you think there is an inherent danger in sending unqualified, under trained civilians into space? Homer Simpson: The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute... statue of liberty... that was our planet. You maniacs, you blew it up. Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

(Chief Wiggum is Polonius, Ralph Wiggum is Laertes. Bart, as Hamlet, has stabbed Polonius) Ralph: Daddy's stomach is crying.

Reverend Lovejoy: Ned, have you considered any of the other mayor religions? They're all pretty much the same.

Homer: I hope I didn't brain my damage.

(Seeing a naked Homer dangling from a balloon) Spectator: Look at that blimp... And he's hanging from a balloon.

Homer: I don't mind being called a liar when I'm lying, or about to lie, or just finished lying, but NOT WHEN I'M TELLING THE TRUTH.

(Bart walks into the room looking sad) Marge: Do you notice something different about Bart? Homer: New glasses? Marge: No, the way he's been acting. He seems depressed. Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.

Moe: Homer, it's Moe. Uh, look, some of the ghouls and I are a little concerned the project isn't moving forward. Homer Simpson: Can't murder now, eating. Moe: Oh, for crying out loud. Come on!

Homer Simpson: (smashes open a door with an axe) Heere's Johnny. Homer Simpson: (nobody is there) D'oh! Homer Simpson: (smashes open another door with an axe) Daavid Letterman. Abe Simpson: Hi, David. I'm grampa. Homer Simpson: D'oh! Homer Simpson: (smashes open a door with an axe) I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morley Safer and I'm Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 minutes.

Homer: Come on, Lisa. Try and see this from the Omnitouch Corporation's point of view.

Dr Hibbert: Lisa, I'm afraid your tummyache may be caused by stress. Homer: Whew. That's a relief.

Moe: May I have this dance? Woman: (walking away) It's all yours.

Kent Brockman: Human interest stories - they cloud the issues and fog the mind.

(Homer bought Lisa a pony after Marge told him not to) Marge: I am very upset with you. Homer: Sounds like someone's angling for a pony of her own.

(Sideshow Bob wins an Emmy in prison) Sideshow Bob: This is one more Emmy than you'll ever win, you bantering jack-in-the-box! Krusty the Clown: Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob! Sideshow Bob: No-talent shill! Krusty the Clown: Second banana! Sideshow Bob: Panderer! Krusty the Clown: Bore!

Sideshow Bob: Poor Selma, you were having such a lovely evening. (singing) Sideshow Bob: And then I went and spoiled it all by doing something stupid like explode you...

(sitting in a vibrating massage chair) Homer: Now excuse me while I kiss the sky.

Akira: We learn karate, so we need never use it. Bart: Um, excuse me, sir, I already know how not to hit a guy. Can we break out the nunchuks?

Akira: First, you must fill your head with wisdom. Then you can hit ice with it.

Computer: Warning, problem in Sector 7-G. Mr Burns: 7-G? Good God, who's the safety inspector there? Smithers: Uh, Homer Simpson, sir. Mr Burns: Simpson, eh? Good man, intelligent? Smithers: Actually, sir, he was hired under Project Bootstrap. Mr Burns: (bitterly) Thank you, President Ford.

LuAnn Van Houten: Well, Marge, the other day, Milhouse told me my meatloaf "sucks." He must have gotten that from your little boy, because they certainly don't say that on TV.

Bart: Dear Krusty, this is Bart Simpson, Krusty Buddy #16302 , respectfully returning his badge. I always suspected that nothing in life mattered. Now I know for sure. Get bent. Bart Simpson.

Marge: Homer, do you ever think about the future? Homer: You mean will apes be our masters?

(Homer got Marge pregnant) Abe Simpson: Son, you've got to marry that girl. Homer: Because it's the honorable thing to do? Abe Simpson: No. Because you'll never do any better. Heh, heh, heh. You lucky bum. The fish jumped right in the boat, and all you gotta do is whack her with the oar.

(On a sonogram of Marge's stomach, Bart turns away) Dr Hibbert: If I didn't know better, I'd swear he was trying to moon us.

(when Bart was born) Marge: Homey, isn't he beautiful? Homer: Hey, as long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine by me.

Krusty the Clown: Hey, kids. Who do you love? Kids: Krusty. Krusty the Clown: How much do you love me? Kids: With all our hearts. Krusty the Clown: What would you do if I went off the air? Kids: We'd kill ourselves.

(At Kamp Krusty Fat Camp) Kamp Krusty Counselor: All right, you balls of pan drippings, I want to see Crisco coming out of those pores. We're not leaving until this Christmas HAM gives me a pull-up.

(Greeting the Simpsons at the company picnic, Burns reads from a card) Mr Burns: And this must be, uh... Brat. Bart: Bart. Homer: Don't correct the man, Brat.

Bart: Come join us, Lisa, it's so cool. You get to stay up all night drinking blood. Milhouse: And if you say you're a vampire, you get a free small soda at the movies.

Lisa: (Lisa is disgusted with Bart's "phony schmaltz" kids' news features) Lisa: They want cheap sentiment? I'll pump 'em so full of sap they'll be blowing their nose with a pancake.

Lisa: Oh, figs.

(listening to Bart's class sing "Jingle Bells") Marge: Oh, listen to Bart. Doesn't he sound like a little angel? Bart: Oh, Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg./The Batmobile lost its wheel, and the Joker got aw... (Skinner yanks him out of the choir) Homer: D'oh!

Homer: Oh, I'd sell my soul for a donut. Ned Flanders: Well, that can be arranged. Homer: What? Flanders. You're the devil? Ned Flanders: Ho-ho, it's always the one you least suspect.

Homer: Mmm... forbidden donut.

(Flanders opens a hole in the floor to Hell, but Homer gets stuck in it. Ned Flanders: Your wide behind won't save you this time.

Ned Flanders: I give you the jury of the damned. Benedict Arnold, Lizzie Borden, Richard Nixon... Richard Nixon: But I'm not dead yet. In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook. Ned Flanders: Hey listen, I did a favor for you. Richard Nixon: Yes, Master. Ned Flanders: John Wilkes Booth, Blackbeard the Pirate, John Dillinger, and the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers.

Marge has to find seats for the Jury of the Damned) Marge: I'm sorry, Mr Blackbeard. We're low on chairs and this is the last one. Blackbeard: Arrr. This chair be high, says I.

Marge: Wait. Before you send him to hell, there's something you should see. That's a photo of Homer and I at our wedding. Richard Nixon: Wait a minute. You got married in an emergency room? Marge: Well, Homer ate the entire wedding cake by himself... before the wedding. (the Jury of the Damned all laugh) Marge: Read the back, the back. Blackbeard: Arrr. 'Tis some sort of treasure map. Benedict Arnold: You idiot, you can't read. Blackbeard: Aye, 'tis true. My debauchery was my way of compensatin'.

Maude Flanders: Neddy doesn't believe in insurance. He considers it a form of gambling.

Bart: Listen, Ned Flanders murdered his wife. Homer: But why? She's such a fox. (off Marge's glare) Homer: I mean, what's on FOX tonight? Something ribald, no doubt.

Larry King: Now even though we're being broadcast on... FOX, there's no need for obnoxious hooting and hollering. (the entire audience hoots and hollers obnoxiously)

Homer: Marge, you're standing in the way of my boyhood dream of managing a beautiful country singer. Marge: Your boyhood dream was to eat the world's biggest hoagie, and you did it at the county fair last year, remember?

Homer: You can't stay in there forever! Bart: I can try! Homer: March your butt out here right now! Bart: No way, man! Homer: (sweet) Son, if you don't come out, I can't hug you and kiss you, and make you feel all better. Bart: You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that? I'm insulted!

Krusty the Clown: If this is anyone but Steve Allen, you're stealing my bit.

Carl: Homer, you should see a doctor. I don't think a healthy man can make that kind of smell.

(On the day Homer quits the power plant, he insults Mr Burns and plays his bald head like a bongo drum) Mr Burns: I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms.

Terrorist Leader: Attention, American workers. Your plant has been taken over by an all-star team of freelance terrorists. Homer: Not on MY shift.

Dr Wolff: Lisa, Marge, these braces are invisible, painless, and periodically release a delightful burst of Calvin Klein's "Obsession For Teeth." Marge: Doctor, we don't have a dental plan right now, so we need something a little more... affordable. Dr Wolff: These pre-date stainless steel, so you can't get them wet.

(Superintendant Chalmers sees Principal Skinner's kitchen on fire) Superintendant Chalmers: Good Lord, what is happening in there? Principal Skinner: The Aurora Borealis? Superintendant Chalmers: The Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen? Principal Skinner: Yes. Superintendant Chalmers: May I see it? Principal Skinner: No.

(Lisa offers Homer apples instead of buffalo meat) Homer Simpson: Oh boy, buffalo testicles.

Homer: Oh, Margie, you came and you found me a turkey on my vacation away from workey.

Bart: (singing) Lisa, her teeth are big and green. Lisa, she smells like gasoline. Lisa, ta-ra-ra Lisa. She is my sista, her birthday I mista.

Bart: Stan Lee came back? Comic Book Guy: Stan Lee never left. I'm afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition.

(after being stabbed by Hamlet) Chief Wiggum: I hide behind curtains because I have a fear of getting stabbed.

Ray Patterson: Oh gosh. You know, I'm not much on speeches, but, it's so gratifying to leave you wallowing in the mess you've made. You're screwed, thank you, bye. Moe: He's right. He ain't much on speeches.

(after being corrected by Lisa on the correct pronounciation of "foliage") Marge: All that gorgeous... foliage. I can't ex-cape Lisa, our little walking li-bary.

Moe: All right, I guess I might as well come clean. I'm not real good with women, and I really wanted to do ya, so I brought along the love tester to help me. As you may have guessed, it's possessed by the dead spirit of my best friend's father.

Tony Blair: Hello, welcome to the United Kingdom. Homer Simpson: Would an American dollar encourage you to leave us alone? Tony Blair: No. But thank you.

Homer: Hey, Weener Boy... where do you think you'e going?

Jose Canseco: So I'll get $50,000 to play one game? Waylon Smithers: That's right, Mr Canseco. Jose Canseco: Well, it's a pay cut, but what the hey.

Mr Burns: Smithers, is it wrong to cheat in order to win a million dollar bet? Smithers: Yes, sir. Mr Burns: Let me rephrase that. Is it wrong if *I* cheat in order to win a million dollar bet? Smithers: No, sir. Who would you like killed?

(to his softball team) Mr Burns: All right, you ragtag bunch of misfits! You hate me, and I hate you even more. But without my beloved ringers, you're all I've got. So I want you to remember some inspiring words that someone else might have told you over the course of your lives, and go out there and win!

Lurleen Lumpkin: You're just a big sack of sugar. Homer: Thanks!... You did say "sugar," right?

Homer: How much can I get for this? (He hands the Comic Book Guy a mint condition Joe Dimaggio rookie card) Comic Book Guy: Well, sir. I'm afraid your card is only worth... EVERYTHING I OWN.

Hank Scorpio: You like my loafers? There's a pair just like 'em in your closet. You don't like 'em? Then neither do I. (he removes the loafers and throws them away) Hank Scorpio: Get the hell outta here. Ever see a guy say goodbye to his shoes? Homer Simpson: Yeah, once.

Lenny: If you ask me, Muhammad Ali, in his prime, was much better than anti-lock brakes. Carl: Yeah, but what about Johnny Mathis versus Diet Pepsi? Moe: Oh, I cannot listen to this again!

(after bart moons the people of Australia by writing "Don't tread on me" on his behind) Marge: I appreciate your patriotism, Bart, but I wish you would've chosen something a little more tasteful. Lisa: I'm impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt.

(At Moe's alma mater, the bartending college) Professor: Moe Szyslak, you old glass wipe.

Lisa: Dad, this lack of sleep is making mom and Maggie crazy! Homer: Don't you think you're overreacting, talking gumball machine?

Marge: Bart, how many hours a day do you watch TV? Bart: Six. Seven if there's something good on.

(first lines of an episode) Kent Brockman: ... which, if true, means death for us all.

(Marge is rehearsing the musical of A Streetcar Named Desire) Homer: Marge, your ride is here! Marge: Homer, it'll just be a few minutes more! Ned Flanders: You're a dame and I'm a fella! Marge: Stanley stop, or I'll tell Stella! Llewellyn Sinclair: Marge, Marge! I am asking you for white hot rage, and you're giving me a hissy fit! Homer: Marge, can I have some change for the candy machine? Llewellyn Sinclair: (throwing a load of change on the floor) Oh, HERE! Homer: Hey, there's some quarters in here!

(Lisa and Marge are watching a soap opera. On TV, a dishevelled man dressed as a priest bursts into the room, surprising the amorous couple inside) Woman: Father McGrath... I thought you were dead. Fr. McGrath: I was!

(Bart is crank calling Moe's Tavern. Moe answers the phone) Moe: Moe's Tavern. Bart: Is Mr Freely there? Moe: Who? Bart: Freely. First initials, I. P. Moe: Hey, everybody, I pee freely!

Homer: Oh, Herb. Because of me you lost your house and your business. Maybe it would've been better if I'd never come at all. Herb: Maybe I would've been better off? Maybe? As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother.

(after Santa's Little Helper disappears) Homer: There's his leash, there's his water dish, and there's the spot where he took a whiz on the rug! (cries) Marge: Homer, get a-hold of yourself! Remember, Doggy Heaven! Homer: Oh, Marge! There's no such place! I made it all up! (Marge clears throat) Homer: Or to put it another way... there... is.

Homer: (gasps) An counterfeit jeans ring operating out of my carhole! I'm gonna tell everybody! (starts to leave. Herman pulls a gun on him) Herman: Not so fast. (Homer walks slower) Homer: Okay. Herman: Maybe you should just stop altogether.

Homer: If you want something to remember him by, I say get a tattoo. It'll be a constant reminder of the one you love. (Homer pulls up sleeve to reveal tattoo saying "Starland Vocal Band") Homer: (incredulous) Starland Vocal Band? THEY SUCK! (Grampa appears outside and they watch as he points at a fountain) Grampa: DEATH!

Marge: Can we get rid of this Ayatollah tee-shirt? Kohmehni died years ago. Homer: But Marge, it works on any Ayatollah! Ayatollah Nakhbadeh, Ayatollah Zahedi... Even as we speak, Ayatollah Razmara and his cadre of fanatics are consolidating their power!

(Lenny is dealing cards while Homer plays with Marge's radar gun) Homer Simpson: Hurry up with the cards, Lenny. I've got you clocked at two miles an hour. Lenny: Hey, put that away. Those radar guns give ya cancer. Homer Simpson: All the more reason to hurry up.

Mr Burns: My germs! My precious germs! They never harmed a soul! They never had the chance!

(singing along with an R.E.M. song) Homer: Leonardo what-his-name, Herman Munster motorcade, birthday party Cheet-Os, pogo sticks and lemonade, idiotic stupid jerk, that's right Flanders, I am talking about you!

Homer Simpson: I just have two questions: "How much?" and "Give it to me".

Groundskeeper Willie: I lost all me "screw you" money. Principal Skinner: I'm sorry, Willie. Groundskeeper Willie: Screw you!

(Santa's Little Helper is missing - Lisa wants to make a poster) Lisa: Don't we have any pictures of Santa's Little Helper? Marge: None that I would want the public to see.

Marge: Homer, there's a bird on your head. Homer: I know, Marge, he's grooming me.

Chief Wiggum: Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me Chief Piggum! (everybody in court house laughs) Oh wait, I get it, he's all right.

(Marge has written a book based on her and Homer) Lisa: Dad will be upset when he reads that book. Bart: He'll never read it. Lisa: What if they make a movie out of it? Bart: He'll never see it. Lisa: What if they make a parody of it on Mad TV? Bart: We're doomed!

Homer: I've got it! Lee Harvey Oswald killed Kennedy to get the jack ruby. Marge: Homer, Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel. Homer: Oh, back to square one.

(speaking about Scottish history and culture) Groundskeeper Willie: Now, the kilt was only for day-to-day wear. In battle, we donned a full-length ball gown covered in sequins. The idea was to blind your opponent with luxury.

Lisa: Wow, there's a lot about bullying I didn't know. Nelson: Yes, there's a lot of history there. Did you know it predates agriculture?

Comic Book Guy: Human contact: the final frontier.

Marge: Artie Ziff, why are you living in our attic? Artie Ziff: Let me explain. I used to run an internet company. Bart: Say no more. Artie Ziff: I would stop, but I love the sound of my own voice.

Eduardo: To win, we will need a very special dance. La Tango de la Muerte! Lisabella: Only one man has ever been foolish enough to attempt that dance, and he is dead! Eduardo: My twin brother, Freduardo. But where he died, I shall live - in his apartment. (They dance La Tango de la Muerte and survive) Eduardo: You are now carrying my child. Lisabella: But how? Eduardo: It is the mystery of the dance.

(while spying on Homer at the food festival) Captain McCallister: Homer's undone the top button on his pants. Akira: He's been walking around like that since Thanksgiving. Captain McCallister: I'm surprised he doesn't just switch to sweat pants. Akira: He says the crotch wears out too fast. Captain McCallister: (shudders) That'll replace the whale in my nightmares!

(after finding out the grave he thought was his mother's is Walt Whitman's) Homer: Maybe it's that other grave! The one that says "Simpson"! (sees it's his own) Homer: AHH! Why does my death keep coming back to haunt me?

(after Bart and Milhouse are left in charge of the comic book shop) Milhouse: Okay, here's Comic Book Guy's instructions: A carton of malted milk balls, one box confectioner's sugar, a can of chocolate frosting... Bart: That's just his shopping list. Milhouse: No, it's his instructions.

(Sideshow bob is watching TV with Selma) Man: Thank you, Sen¸or MacGyver, for saving our village. MacGyver: Don't thank me, thank the Moon's gravitational pull. Selma: That MacGyver's a genius. Sideshow Bob: First of all, he's not a genius, he's an actor, and second, he's not *much* of an actor. Selma: You're lying! You're lying! Sideshow Bob: No Selma, this is lying: that was a well-plotted piece of nonclaptrap that never made me want to retch.

Bart Simpson: I think Grampa smells like that trunk in the garage where the bottom's all wet. Lisa: No, I think he smells more like a photo lab. Homer Simpson: Stop it, you two! Grampa smells like a normal old man, which is more like a hallway in a hospital.

(Homer is moping about his broken couch) Joe Frazier: I know how you feel, Homer. You lost your couch. I lost the heavyweight championship. Homer Simpson: (scoffs) Heavyweight championship... there's like three of those! That couch was one of a kind.

(armed with a bottle of chloroform, Homer approaches a security guard) Homer: I'll give you this bottle of chloroform if you take us to The Who!

Rev. Lovejoy: Once the government approves something, it's no longer immoral!

Homer Simpson: You're Darryl Strawberry! Darryl Strawberry: Yes. Homer Simpson: You play right field. Darryl Strawberry: Yes. Homer Simpson: I play right field too. Darryl Strawberry: So? Homer Simpson: Well, are you better than me? Darryl Strawberry: Well, I've never met you, but... yes.

(Bart has joined the Bigger Brother program to spite Homer) Tom: Come on, Bart, you know you're not supposed to talk to strangers. Homer Simpson: For your information, I'm his father! Tom: (angrily) His father... the drunken gambler? Homer Simpson: (pleasantly) That's right. And who might you be?

Helen Lovejoy: (about Michelangelo's statue of David) It's filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human body, which, practical as they may be, are evil!

Homer: There's still the little matter of the whereabouts of your wife. Maude Flanders: Uh, I'm right here. Homer: (sarcastically) Oh, I see! Then I guess everything's wrapped up in a neat little package! (after a pause) Homer: Really, I mean that. Sorry if it SOUNDED sarcastic.

Krusty the Clown: I want my comedy to have a timeless quality. Writer: Here's the final draft on that "Hanging Chad" sketch, Krusty. Krusty the Clown: (reading) Heh heh. Oh good, you worked in Judge Ito.

Apu: It is a great dishonor to my ancestors and my god, but okay.

(Homer helps Apu study for his naturalization exam) Homer: (pointing to an American flag) Now, can you identify this object? Apu: It appears to be the flag which disappeared from the library last year.

Chief Wiggum: I've added a secret ingredient just for you. The merciless peppers of Quetzlzacatenengo, grown deep in the jungles primeval by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum.

Bart: Skinner is a nut, he has a rubber butt! Principal Skinner: Young man, I can assure you my posterior is nothing more than flesh, bone, and that metal plate I got in 'Nam.

Marge: (reading the back of a super glue tube) "In case of accidental ingestion, consult a mortician."

Homer: Die, you monster! Lisa: Dad! That's the water softener. Homer: Well I *am* missing the back of my head. I think you could cut me some slack!

Carl: You know, I was hexed by a troll once and a leprechaun cured that right up. Lenny: Hey, you know what's even better is Jesus. He's like six leprechauns! Carl: Yeah, but a lot harder to catch. Go with the leprechaun.

Kwik-E-Mart President: Welcome, my friends. You may ask any three questions. Homer: Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? Kwik-E-Mart President: Yes. Homer: Really? Kwik-E-Mart President: Yes. Homer: Really? Kwik-E-Mart President: Yes. Thank you, come again.

Young Barney: (the teenagers Homer and Barney are doing an acapella version of "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing" in front of a mirror) Middle-aged Grampa: What the Hell are you two doin'? Young Barney: It's called rockin' out! Young Homer: You wouldn't understan', dad. You're not *with it*. Middle-aged Grampa: I used to be with it, but then they changed what *it* was. Now what I'm with isn't *it*, and what's *it* seems wierd and scary to me. It'll happen to you...

Homer: Hey, what's lucky hooked up to? Nurse: A respirator. It breathes for him. Homer: And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker.

Homer: Marge, promise me you'll put me in a home. It's like being a baby, only you're old enough to apreciate it.

Bart: (slapping Lisa) Don't hit Maggie. She's just a baby. Homer: (slapping Bart) Don't hit Lisa. She's a girl. Grampa: (slapping Homer) Keep your hands off of him Homer!

(Bart isn't wearing underwear) Bart Simpson: Free and easy, Lis. There's nothing like an unfurnished basement for maximum comfort. Lisa: What are you talking about?

(looking at a giant stone head Mr Burns has had delivered to the Simpson house) Homer: Marge, what does it do? Marge: It doesn't do anything. Homer: Marge, really, what does it do? Marge: Whatever it does, it's doing it right now.

(Homer is singing while flossing his teeth) Homer Simpson: When you have a rib-eye steak, you must floss it. Oh, that meatloaf tasted great. You must floss it. Now, floss it. Floss it good.

Nelson: Dad didn't leave... when he comes back from the store, he's going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face!

Chief Wiggum: (sees a crazy hobo running around screaming) Ralphie, you stay here in the car while daddy tries to talk some sense into this raving derelict. (Goes outside) Hobo: Garalmglkaklafja! Chief Wiggum: (stands there looking) All right all right slow down, slow down! Hobo: GARLKJALKAGJALGKAJLGKJLAGLKAJAAGKA! Chief Wiggum: Slow down now, come on.

Apu: I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service. Homer: You're... selling what, now? Apu: I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment. Homer: You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos. (Slams the door) Apu: He's got me there.

Bart: Lisa made me do it. She cast a witch's spell on me. Lisa: It's spelled Wicca, and it's empowering. Bart: Wicca is just a Hollywood fad. Lisa: That's Kabbala, jerk.

Homer: (jumping on a bouncing castle) This must be what it's like in space. Marge: You've been to space. Homer: And yet, I've never been to me.

(Homer has a fudgesicle stuck to his back) Homer: Hey Lenny, can you get this Sugar Daddy off my back? Lenny: All right, but this is the last time!

Bart: (Bart and Lisa are making a crank call to Moe's) Excuse me, is Homer there? Moe: Homer? Homer who? Bart: Homer Sexual. Moe: Just a minute. (announces to the bar) Is there a Homer Sexual here? Anybody here Homer Sexual?

Marge: (referencing Lisa playing the saxaphone) Do you think she could be a professional someday? Li'l Ludwig's Music School Teacher: Oh lord no! Lisa: But I'll practice every day! Li'l Ludwig's Music School Teacher: Yeah well I'll be frank with ya Lisa and when I say frank I mean, you know, devastating. You've inherrited a finger condition known as stubbiness, it usually comes from the father's side...

Homer: Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk.

Duff Man: (watering his plants) That brown spot needs some H2O! Oh yeah! Moe: (Moe walks up to him) Hey Duffman! How would you like a sticker on YOUR face? Duff Man: (Moe slaps the sticker onto his face, Duff man falls to the ground, struggling to get the sticker off) Duffman can't breath! Oh no!

Roadie: (after Homer launches an inflated pig from a cannon) Oh no, Peter Frampton's gonna be pissed. Peter Frampton: You're damn right I'll be pissed, I bought that pig at Pink Floyd's yard sale!

Homer: Hello Mr Bush, it's your sons, George Bush, Jr and Jeb Bush. George Bush: Barbara, the boys are here, maybe they can help us take care of those Simpsons.

Homer: (deadly serious) I've got two questions. One: Where's the fife? Two: Give me the fife.

Moe: (Homer is about to have a triple bypass operation) Let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson. Barney: (after a short while) How long has it been? Moe: Six seconds. Barney: Do we have to start over? Moe: Hell, no.

Principal Seymour: Fire can be our friend; whether it's toasting marshmellows, or raining down on Charlie.

Homer's new German boss: We Germans are not a warlike people.

Marge: How did this happen? How did the Simpsons become the bottom rung of society? Homer: I think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hoboes.

Marge: Homer! Did you barracade the door? Homer: Why? Oh, the zombies! No. (zombies enter)

George Bush: You know, in my day, little boys didn't call their elders by their first names. Bart: Yeah, well, welcome to the 20th century, George.

Bart: (at an opera - Bart & Homer are bored) "It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings." Homer: That one fat enough for ya?

Marge: Now Homer, don't you eat that pie. Homer: Okay, Marge. (Marge leaves) All right, pie. I'm going to go like this, (makes chomping motion) and if you get eaten, it's your own fault. (Advances toward pie while chomping, hits head) Ow! Oh!... Ah, the hell with it. (Eats pie)

Bart: Depressing teenagers is like shooting fish in a barrel.

Homer: (singing) Call Mr Plow, that's my name, that name again is Mr Plow.

Homer: It may be on a lousy channel, but the Simpsons are on TV!

Homer: Are we gonna die son? Bart: Yeah. But at least we'll take a lot of innocent people with us.

Homer: Homer sleep now.

Homer: Hey, nobody's prettier than my little girl. Marge: You're looking at her through a father's eyes. Homer: Well if I could gouge out somebody else's eyes and shove them into my sockets, I would, but to me she's beautiful. Marge: That is so sweet.

Lisa: Do you remember why you entered me in that pageant? Homer: I dunno. Was I drunk? Lisa: Possibly.

Lisa: (writing a letter) "Dear Mom, I no longer fear Hell, because I've been to Kamp Krusty. Our nature hikes have become grim death marches. Our arts and crafts hut is, in truth, a Dickensian workhouse. Bart makes it through the day clinging to his hope that Krusty the Klown will come. But I am far more pessimistic. I am not even sure if this letter will reach you, as the normal lines of communication have been cut. So I close by saying, SAVE US! SAVE US NOW! Bart and Lisa."

Lisa: I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart. Bart: We're all gonna die, Lis. Lisa: I meant soon. Bart: So did I.

Homer: (Bart has broken Grandpa's dentures) Young man, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours. Grampa: Oh, this is gonna be sweet.

Bart: Hey Apu. Why don't you marry some American broad and then dump her after you get your citizenship? Homer: (Later) Selma my dear, how are you? Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Listen, shut up for a minute. How would you like to marry Apu so he doesn't get deported? Selma: I'd rather eat poison. My name is already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure. God knows it's long enough without Nehassapassapena whatever. From now on I'm marrying for love and once again for money.

Marge: It's the Seven Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Bart are you wearing clean underwear? Bart: Not anymore.

Homer: Ok, we need 40,000 dollars. How much do we have in the checkbook? Marge: 70 dollars. Homer: Have we deposited any 40,000 dollar checks that haven't cleared yet? Marge: No.

(a very tall man scrunched in a Volkswagen Beetle has just grabbed Nelson after being laughed at) Tall Man: Do you find something comical about my appearance when I am driving my automobile? Nelson: Yes. Tall Man: Everyone needs to drive a vehicle, even the very tall. (points to his Beetle) This was the largest auto I could afford. Should I therefore be made the subject of fun, huh? Nelson: I guess so. Tall Man: (clears his throat) Would you like it if others laughed at YOUR misfortune, hmm? Maybe we should find out! Tall Man: (Tall man pulls down Nelson's pants and commands him to walk down the main street) Nowwww march! Tall Man: (honks his car horn while driving behind Nelson) Hey, everyone! Look at this; it's that boy who laughs at everyone! Let's laugh at him! (the entire crowd yells HA-HA! at Nelson)

Lisa: Elegy for Geezer Rock: Postcard image, thing to see / to think of Springfield is to think of thee. / What thoughts be-pass a'hind thy mien? / Why sky art blue? Why trees art green? / And what, pray tell, did thine eyes see? / Perchance, old friend, they gazed at me. / Brought low by nature's oafish hand / thy crush-ed our reviewing stand. / And twixt thy stones glimpsed I the truth. / All things must pass. Thy face, my youth.

Mr Burns: I love children, particularly their young supple organs.

Lisa: (auditioning people for her paper) What kind of journalism experience do you have? Nelson: I dunno. Making nerds cry? Lisa: Perfect! You can be our TV critic.

Linda Ronstadt: (singing) When the snow is a fallin theres a man you should be callin. That's KLD-796. Let it ring. Barney, Linda Ronstadt: Mr Plow is a loser, and I think he is a boozer, so you'd better make that call to the Plow King.

Homer Simpson: Boy, the way the Bee Gees played... Marge: Movies John Travolta made... Homer Simpson: Guessing how much Elvis weighed... Homer Simpson, Marge: Those were the days! Marge: And you knew where you were then... Homer Simpson: Watching shows like Gentle Ben... Homer Simpson, Marge: Mister, we could use a man like Sheriff Lobo again! Homer Simpson: Disco Duck and Fleetwood Mac... Marge: Coming out of my eight-track... Homer Simpson, Marge: Michael Jackson still was black... those were the days! (later on in episode) Homer Simpson: Bart was feeling might blue... Marge: It's a shame what school can do... Apu: For no reason here's Apu! Homer Simpson, Marge, Apu: Those were the days!

Marge: (Homer and Marge are standing with Bart's Elephant, Stampy) Oh my, it looks like it could gore. Homer: Hee hee, it does look like Al Gore.

Lisa: (at the Jefferson Memorial. Talking to the statue) Mr Jefferson, I have a problem. Thomas Jefferson: I know your problem: the Lincoln Memorial was *too crowded*. Lisa: Yes, well... Thomas Jefferson: (referring to how empty his memorial is) No one ever comes to see me. Frankly, I don't blame them. *I* didn't do anything important. JUST the Declaration of Independence, the Louisiana Purchase, the dumbwaiter!... Lisa: Uh, maybe I should go... I seem to have caught you at a bad time... (walks out) Thomas Jefferson: WAIT! Don't go!... I get so lonely... (tumbleweed blows through)

Bart, Lisa: Aah! Sideshow Bob! Sideshow Bob: Please, we've been through so much together. Call me Bob. Bart, Lisa: Aah! Bob!

(Homer wearing a beer keg on his head) Homer: Look at me! I'm the Prime Minister of Ireland. (everyone in the bar starts laughing)

Marge: You know, Homer, there's $500 in the air conditioning account. Homer: Oh Marge! Am I doomed to spend the rest of my life sweating like a pig? Bart: Not to mention eating like a pig and dressing like a pig. Apu: Don't forget the smell. Homer: Will you get off of my lawn? Apu: Why don't you make me? Homer: Why, you... ! Oh, forget it.

Krusty the Clown: The faithful people at the Global Positioning System, is all the companionship I need... (taps the GPS box, which delivers a healthy electric shock) Krusty the Clown: AAAARGH! (hurling the box over the side of the boat) Tell me where you are now you bastard!

(Bart and Lisa have been zapped inside the TV, and are being chased by Itchy and Scratchy when Homer changes the channel to "Regis & Kathie Lee") Kathie Lee: (cooking soup) OK, now we add salt. (Bart and Lisa fall into the soup, splashing it) Regis: OW! My eyes! My eyes! Oh, God! My beautiful eyes! (Itchy and Scratchy fall in, also splashing) Kathie Lee: That's it! I'm going home. Dom DeLuise can interview himself. Regis: My eyes!

Bart Simpson: Hey, 50 can I roll with you? 50 Cent: Nah, lil' man. But hey, stay in school and keep rapping. You'll blow up one day. 50 Cent: (to parole officer) Hey, does that count as community service? (she shakes her head no) 50 Cent: Oh well, let's go to the park and pick up some poop.

Chinese Dragon: (singing) American jerks are going home! / Now we sleep for a thousand years! / When we wake, the world will end!

Marge: (eight years in the future, praising technology) It's greeat! We can do *anything* now that Science has invented Magic.

(when The Simpsons are on holiday in Africa, Bart marks that he has seen a warthog to his animal card) Lisa: Hey! You didn't see a warthog! Bart: I'm looking at one right now. Lisa: Mom! Bart implied I was a warthog! Marge: Nobody's a warthog! Bart: What about him? (Lisa notices that there is actually a warthog right next to him)

Mayor Quimby: We will not negotiate with terrorists. Is there a nearby city who will?

Grandma Flanders: Hello Joe!

Principal Skinner: Justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson. It has little, if anything, to do with a disobedient whale. Now let's vote.

(Bart has just testified for Freddy Quimby and admitted to skipping school) Principal Skinner: I'm impressed with what you did in there, Bart. You testified for the Quimby boy even though it was putting your own head in a noose. Nevertheless, you did skip school. Bart: So, I guess the two things sorta cancel each other out, right? Principal Skinner: I'm a small man in some ways, Bart. A small, petty man. Three months detention. (Bart begins to walk away) Principal Skinner: Wait a minute, Bart. (Skinner thinks for a few moments) Principal Skinner: Make that... *four* months detention.

Warden: You will dance and you will like it. Then you will have punch and you will drink it. Then your eyes will meet and it will be awkward. So help me God!

Mr Burns: (Mr Burns' film is being booed by the audience) Smithers, are they booing me? Smithers: Uh, no, they're saying "Boo-urns, Boo-urns". Mr Burns: (Stands and faces the audience) Are you saying "Boo" or "Boo-urns"? (the audience boos and throws rubbish at him) Hans Moleman: I was saying "Boo-urns"!

Lenny: (Homer is on his way to bowling a perfect game. Lenny calls the waitress as Homer is about to roll the ball) Miss! Miss! (Homer looks back at Lenny) Sorry. I was calling the waitress. (Homer looks back to the pins) Uh, this split you sold me is making me choke. (Waitress takes banana split) Homer: (Homer looks back at Lenny) Lenny... Lenny: What? I paid $7.10 for this split. Carl: Would you at least call it a banana split, you dumwad? Lenny: Hey, spare me your gutter-mouth (Homer throws the bowling ball at Lenny. Lenny groans in pain)

Lisa: Love the painting, Mrs Parkfield. Judging by the clothes, I'd say... seventeenth century? Mrs Parkfield: Actually, Lisa, it's just Uncle Eldred. Uncle Eldred: (obviously insane, due to the fact that he's fishing in an empty fishbowl) I get me brain medicine from the National Health!

Moe: Oho, an English buy, huh? You know, we saved your ass in World War II. Hugh: Yeah, well, we saved *your* arse in World War III.

K'Tenge: (when he sees the family go down the river) (shouts) Shaka Zulu!

(while Marge is on the Springfield Police force, Homer makes fun of her while she's on duty, grabs her hat and clowns around in front of her police car - so she arrests him) Marge: (handcuffing him) You have the right to remain silent. Homer: I choose to waive that right. (he freaks out and starts shrieking hysterically)

(while Homer is sneaking into Burns' mansion) Moe, Carl, Lenny: (cheering) Homer, Homer, he's our man, if he can't do it, no-one can! Homer: (beset by hounds) Aaaaargghh! Carl: Oh, I guess no-one can. Lenny: He's done for. Let's get out of there! Moe, Carl, Lenny: Aaaaaahhhhh!

Marge: How are the kids supposed to get home? Homer: I dunno. Internet?

Patty: I need a favor. Homer Simpson: Hang on, I'll get my belt sander and try to grind the ugly off your face! Patty: Ha, ha, ha, very funny. Homer Simpson: I wasn't joking! (pulls out a belt sander and turns it on)

(appearing on television, wanting Springfield to abolish television) Sideshow Bob: I'm aware of the irony of appearing on TV in order to decry it. So don't bother pointing that out.

Bart: (Smithers walks into the room with a sexy girl at his side) Smithers? I thought you were... ugh... you know! Smithers: Not as long as I take these injections! (injects himself) (shouts) I like boobies!

Manjula: You remind me of the monkey man who killed my father's chickens. Lawyer: Yes, I get that a lot.

Homer: (singing, while hosing out the back of his ambulance) Here in my car/ I am hosing out blood / Some of it's mine / But most of it's not / Here's Marge.

Drederick Tatum: I have been paid millions to endorse these butt-ugly shoes.

Bill Gates: I didn't get rich by signing checks.

Dondelinger: This is your exam. It's a series of questions, answered True or False. Homer: True. Dondelinger: Eh, I was just describing the test, Homer. Homer: True. Dondelinger: Look, Homer, just do the exam, and you'll be fine. Homer: False.

(after Homer and Lisa secretly rescue Bart from his latest escapade, Homer and Marge are settling down for the night) (phone rings) Marge: Hello? Oh, hello, Principal Skinner. No, Bart has never been to Hong Kong. All right, goodbye. (she hangs up, but the phone rings again) Marge: Hello? No, Bart is not available tomorrow to deliver a human kidney to Amsterdam! (she hangs up, the phone rings yet again) Marge: Hello? Tennessee State Police? No, my son's car did not get crushed in Knoxville! I can't even begin to tell you what's wrong with that. (she hangs up and turns out the light) Homer: Hee, hee, hee... Marge: Homer, are you laughing about something?

Marge: Get ready, skanks! It's time for the truth train!

Rod Flanders: Can I have this shirt that says "Get Bent"? Ned Flanders: Well, if that means to bend down and pray, sure!

Lisa: Why did you let him be his own Barrister? Marge: He rear-ended the frigging Queen! What difference would it make?

Ruth Powers: (returning a power sander) Thanks, Marge. When my husband left he took all our power tools... along with the car, my youth, my faith in mankind... well, see ya.

Homer: (looking at a picture of refugees in a newspaper) Look at these refugees, Marge. Not even a smile. Marge: They've undergone terrible hardships. Homer: Well, moping won't help anything!

(Bart tells Homer that he believes Homer's alien story) Bart Simpson: You seem so damn sure. Homer Simpson: Thanks, son. And do you think you can stop the casual swearing? Bart Simpson: Hell, yes.

Krusty the Clown: It's not important to talk about who got rich off of whom, or who got exposed to tainted what...

Homer: So many memories, ah night boat, everyone ahh. Bart: Look, you can see our mirror to it. Homer: It looks like we have two.

Russian UN Rep: We at the USSR have no invlovement with the hijacking of the American sub. USA UN Rep: USSR? Didn't you guys split up? Russian UN Rep: Thats what we wanted you to think.

Seymour: (singing) I'm so happy with my evil plan. Say goodbye to music, gym, and art. Soon we will have the perfect school... where fun and excitement never starts. Groundskeeper Willie: I'm so drunk I can barely see. But it helps me get through another day. My stomach is filled with haggis and ham. I've got to go puke in some hole. Bart: Lisa is a fool. Seymour: I think the rules are cool. Groundskeeper Willie: I'm falling in the pool!

Dr Julius Hibbert: How could you close the school? Marge: What will become of our kids? Homer Simpson: Where are the refreshments? Principal Skinner: Now, you keep asking me that and I keep telling you, over there!

Homer: This is Ned Flanders, and he is my friend! Carl: What'd he say? Lenny: I dunno, something about being gay.

Congressman: Why, this news make my blood boil, my left arm feel numb, my mouth taste of copper! Arrgggh! (congressman collapses) Marge: He's had a heart-attack! Quick someone do CPR! Homer Simpson: (singing) I see a bad moon rising. Marge: No that's CCR! Homer Simpson: Errr... (singing) Looks like we're in for nasty weather.

Lisa: (Bart and Lisa are trying to help Krusty get back with his father) Well, this is it. That's as much as I can do without learning ancient Hebrew. Lisa: (after Bart looks at her expectantly) Bart, I am *not* learning ancient Hebrew!

Otto: Spell AC/DC! Lisa: A-C-D-C Otto: Nuh-uh! You forgot the lightning bolt.

Townspeople: Aye! Mayor Quimby: And all those against horsewhipping Homer J. Simpson? Homer: Nay?

Lenny: Hey, what happened? It's bright in the middle of the night. Carl: You know what this reminds me of. My Icelandic boyhood.

Bart: (while working for Fat Tony) Gimme three fingers of milk, Ma.

Homer Simpson: Who are you? Andre Agassi: I'm Andre Agassi. Homer Simpson: The wrestler?

Women: (McBain has just shot up everyone in a meeting) Well, you certainly broke up that meeting! Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: Right now, I'm thinking of starting another meeting. In bed! (they kiss)

Kirk Van Houten: If you see a tie on the door knob, that means I'm with a lady. Homer: But you don't have a door knob. Kirk Van Houten: I don't have a tie either!

Homer: Dear Baby. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.

Homer: Look, Lisa, grown ups have a thing called money.

Homer: Time to Trim the Mark Bart: Way to use the lingo, Homer. Homer: 10-4, Kemosabe.

Homer: Moe, I've got a problem. Moe Szyslak: (not very interested) Yeah. Homer: See, I got this friend, Joey Jo-Jo Junior... Shabadoo? Moe Szyslak: That's the worst name I've ever heard. Barney Gumble: (a man runs out of Moe's crying) Hey, Joey Jo-Jo!

Marge: Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.

Homer: What? This is the highest tax increase in history! Lisa: Actually it's the lowest tax increase in history, Dad. Homer: I pay the Homer tax. Let the bears pay the bear tax. Lisa: That's Home Owners tax, Dad.

Bart: What's really amazing is this is exactly what Dad said would happen! Lisa: Yeah, Dad was right! Homer: I know, kids, I'm scared too!

Bart: Woah! God is so in your face! Homer Simpson: Yeah, he's my favorite fictional character.

(Lisa has stolen the rotisserie pig from Homer's barbeque) Bart: Bart! No! Bart: (Bart has done nothing) What? Marge: Sorry, force of habit. Lisa! No!

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