The Rise and Rise of Michael Rimmer
1970
Mrs Ferret: Have you been fired? Ferret: (brushing it off) No, no, of course not. Mrs Ferret: Then why is the car for sale? Ferret: That sign doesn't say "For Sale". No, of course not. I'm advertising a new brand of beer for the company. "Fors Ale". One of Rimmer's ideas. "Fors Ale keeps you peppy... um... all night long."
Ferret: The survey shows that... (realizing the survey asked the wrong question) ... it shows that 90% of English families do not eat boot polish for breakfast.
Michael Rimmer: (schmoozing) Hugh, I loved your speech on abortion. It was really gorgeous.
Priest: Have you been able to find time for the survey in regard to the declining attendance in England's churches? Michael Rimmer: Yes, we have. Priest: We've tried everything, you know... cutthroat bingo, hallucinogens in the wafers, neon lights for the graveyards, chapels on wheels, fifty-fifty drawings after communion... Michael Rimmer: Really? Priest: (grabbing hold of his vestments) And these clothes are a bit out-of-date for the 1960s. Michael Rimmer: Yes, well, we've done a great deal of research on the results of our religious polls and I believe we have discovered the true root of the problem. Priest: What would that be? Michael Rimmer: God. Priest: I had a nasty suspicion it was that. Michael Rimmer: It's just that people have a hard time believing in Him. So, get rid of the God and you'll do just fine. Priest: Interesting. Sort of an "Our Father who *might be* in heaven"... Michael Rimmer: Yes, very good.
Michael Rimmer: (after seeing Fromage faint) What's the matter with Fromage? Pumer: Oh, these recent sex surveys have him worn out.
Priest: (on a television interview) I have nothing against Buddhism, per se. It is possible for people to approach God in a great many ways... but there is no need to be silly about it!