The Producers
1968
Max Bialystock: What's the matter with you? Leo Bloom: I'm hysterical! I'm having hysterics! I'm hysterical! I can't stop when I get like this. I can't stop. I'm hysterical. Oh my god. Ah-la-la-la. (Bialystock throws a glass of water in Leo's face) Leo Bloom: (stunned) ... I'm wet! I'm wet! I'm hysterical and I'm wet! (Bialystock slaps Leo) Leo Bloom: ... I'm in pain! I'm in pain, and I'm wet!... and I'm still hysterical! (Max raises his hand to slap Leo again) Leo Bloom: No, no, no don't hit, don't hit. It doesn't help. It only increases my sense of danger. Max Bialystock: What can I do? What can I do? You're getting me hysterical. Leo Bloom: Go away. Go away. You frighten me.
Roger De Bris: Ah, Bialystock and Bloom, I presume! Heh heh, forgive the pun! Leo Bloom: (to Max) What pun? Max Bialystock: Shut up, he thinks he's witty.
Ulla: Goddag på dig! Leo Bloom: Uh, I beg your pardon? Ulla: Goddag på dig! Leo Bloom: Ah, gut da! Max, have you gone mad? A receptionist who can't speak English? What will people say? Max Bialystock: They'll say, "A wuma wa wa wa wa!"
Max Bialystock: That's it, baby, when you've got it, flaunt it, flaunt it!
(Searching for the sure-fire flop) Max Bialystock: "Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to discover that he had been transformed into a giant cockroach." Nah, it's too good.
Franz Liebkind: I am the author. You are the audience. I outrank you!
Max Bialystock: Shut up, I'm having a rhetorical conversation.
Max Bialystock: Max Bialystock is launching himself into little old lady land.
Max Bialystock: Thank you, I knew I could con you.
Singer: Don't be stupid, be a smarty. Come and join the Nazi party.
Franz Liebkind: Not many people know it, but the Fuhrer was a terrific dancer.
Leo Bloom: Let's assume, just for the moment, that you are a dishonest man. Max Bialystock: Assume away.
Max Bialystock: That's exactly why we want to produce this play. To show the world the true Hitler, the Hitler you loved, the Hitler you knew, the Hitler with a song in his heart.
Leo Bloom: Actors are not animals! They're human beings! Max Bialystock: They are? Have you ever eaten with one?
Franz Liebkind: Hitler... there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in ONE afternoon! TWO coats!
Max Bialystock: You're an accountant! You're in a noble profession! The word "count" is part of your title!
Max Bialystock: You have exactly ten seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect!
Leo Bloom: I'm in pain and I'm wet and I'm still hysterical!
Max Bialystock: I'm condemned by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure!
Max Bialystock: Bloom, I'm drowning. Other men sail through life, Bialystock has struck a reef. Bloom, I'm going under. I'm condemned by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure. Bloom, I'm reaching out to you. Don't send me to prison... HEEELLP!
Concierge: Who d'ya want? Leo Bloom: I beg your pardon? Concierge: Who d'ya want? Nobody gets in the building unless I know who they want. I'm the "concierge". My husband used to be the "concierge", but he's dead. Now I'M the "concierge". Max Bialystock: We are seeking Franz Liebkind. Concierge: Oh... the Kraut! He's on the top floor, apartment 23. Max Bialystock: Thank you... Concierge: ... But you won't find him there... he's up on the roof with his boids. He keeps boids. Dirty... disgusting... filthy... lice-ridden boids. You used to be able to sit out on the stoop like a person. Not anymore! No, sir! Boids!... You get my drift? Leo Bloom: We... uh... get your "drift". Thank you, madam. Concierge: I'm not a "madam"! I'm a "concierge"!
Roger De Bris: Will the dancing Hitlers please wait in the wings? We are only seeing singing Hitlers.
Max Bialystock: Roger, did you have a chance to read "Springtime for Hitler?" Roger De Bris: (emerges from behind a partition wearing a dress) Remarkable, remarkable! A stunning piece of work. Leo Bloom: (under his breath) Max... he's wearing a dress. Max Bialystock: No kidding. Roger De Bris: Did you know, I never knew that the Third Reich meant Germany. I mean it's just drenched with historical goodies like that... Oh dear, you're staring at my dress. I should explain. We are going to the choreographer's ball tonight and there's a prize for the best costume. Carmen Giya: And we always win! Roger De Bris: I don't know about tonight. I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like Tugboat Annie. What do you think, Mr Bloom? Leo Bloom: ... Where do you keep your wallet?
(on stage during the song) All: Sringtime for Hitler and Germany!
Max Bialystock: Oooooooh, I WANT THAT MONEY!
Max Bialystock: This pin used to hold a pearl the size of your eye. Look at me now, LOOK AT ME NOW! I'm wearing a cardboard belt!
Lorenzo St. DuBois: Lorenzo, baby. Lorenzo St. DuBois. But my friends call me L.S.D.
(Leo Bloom walks in on Bialystock romancing Holdmethouchme) Leo Bloom: Oh my God! Max Bialystock: You mean "oops" don't you just say "oops" and get out! Leo Bloom: Ahahahahahahahaha Max Bialystock: Not "ahahahahahahah!" Oops! Leo Bloom: Oops! (slams the door)
Franz Liebkind: Gentlemen. Ve have here a technical problem. Hmm? I do not know if vat ve have here is ze quick fuse or ze slow fuse. Ja, ja, I must find zis out. (snips dynamite fuse) Zis is critical. (lights fuse with match) Ha ha ha, ja ja, you see zis? You see zis here vat I have told you? Yeah, zis is an example of smartness here. I have said that zis is ze quick fuse. Huh? And zis IS ze quick fuse. (pause) All: THE QUICK FUSE! (explosion)
Lorenzo St. DuBois: (singing) And I give a flower to the big fat cop / He takes his club and he beats me up / I give a flower to the garbage man / He stuffs my girl in the garbage can / And I give it to the landlord when the rent comes 'round / He throws it in the toilet and he flush it down / It goes into the sewer / With the yuck runnin' through 'er / And it runs into the river that we drink / Hey, world, YOU STINK!
Max Bialystock: How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did I go right?
Max Bialystock: Here's to failure Leo Bloom: ... To failure Drunk: Why, thank you! You're very kind!
Lorenzo St. DuBois: (after Goebbels throws a reefer into a vase, and a large explosion occurs) They try; man, how they try!
(Max Bialystock drops him to the floor) Leo Bloom: Ooh, I fell on my keys!
Roger De Bris: Der Führer does not say, "Achtung, baby."
Franz Liebkind: Baby! Baby!... Why does he say this "baby"? The Führer has never said "baby". I did not write, "baby". What is it with this, "baby"?
Leo Bloom: (reading the title of the play for the first time) "Springtime for Hitler" a gay romp with Adolf and Eva at Berchtesgaden... Wow!
Hold me, Touch me: (locking the door to Max's office) Let's fool around.
Hold me, Touch me: Hold me! Touch me! Max Bialystock: (pulling her into his office) Not in the hall!
Leo Bloom: (after a fight with Max) I'm sorry I called you "Fat, fat, fat".
(performing in the play) Doc Goebbels: Danke schön, mein Führer. Lorenzo St. DuBois: Hey, you're a German. Doc Goebbels: We're all Germans. Lorenzo St. DuBois: That's right. (gasps) Lorenzo St. DuBois: That means we CANNOT invade Germany.
Roger De Bris: What have you done, L.S.D.? Lorenzo St. DuBois: About six months... but I'm on probation, so it's all good, baby! Roger De Bris: No, I mean, what do you do best? Lorenzo St. DuBois: I can't do that here. That's why they put me away, baby!
Max Bialystock: Ulla! Go get car! Ulla: Ja, ja! We go to motel? Max Bialystock: No. I go with Mr Bloom. Ulla: You and Mr Bloom go to motel? Max Bialystock: No! Get car! Ulla: Get car!
Max Bialystock: Leo, he who hesitates is poor!
(holding a gun to his head) Franz Liebkind: Soon, I shall be with mein Führer... and Himmler. I'm coming to join you boys!
Max Bialystock: Money is honey! Money is honey!
(singing as Hitler in the play) Lorenzo St. DuBois: One and one's two/ Two and two's four/ I feel so bad 'cause I'm loosin' the war!
(last lines) Max Bialystock: Sing it out, men! Higher, you animals, higher! We open in Leavenworth Saturday night!
Max Bialystock: Who are you and why are you loitering in my hallway? Leo Bloom: (is silent) Max Bialystock: Well? Speak dummy! Speak! Leo Bloom: (gapsing) ... can't... scared...
Max Bialystock: (smiling at Leo to calm him down) Well you know what they say, 'smile and the world smiles with you' (looks at audience) this man should be in a straight-jacket
Drunk: Eternally grateful... A TOAST! Max Bialystock: A TOAST! Leo Bloom: A TOAST... to what? Drunk: To... to toast, I love toast. Max Bialystock: To toast. Leo Bloom: To toast.
Leo Bloom: I'm a nothing. I spend my life counting other people's money. People I'm smarter than. Better than! I want... I want... (shouts) I want everything I've ever seen in the movies!
Hold me, Touch me: Oh, hold me! Touch me! Max Bialystock: Thursday! Thursday!
Hold me, Touch me: And after that, we'll play, "The Abduction and the Cruel Rape of Lucretia", and I'll be Lucretia. Max Bialystock: And I'll be Rape!
Hold me, Touch me: I heard the Count fired you this morning - watch the road, watch the road. Max Bialystock: (stops making car noises) Oh, Countess, I can't take my eyes off you! How can I drive when you drive me mad? Mad! (continues making car noises) Hold me, Touch me: Oh, Rudolpho, you dirty pig! (seriously) Pull over.
The landlord: He who signs a lease must pay rent. That's the law. Max Bialystock: You miserable wretch! How dare you take the last penny out of a poor man's pocket? The landlord: I have to. I'm a landlord. Max Bialystock: (to God) Oh, Lord, hear my plea; destroy him! He maketh a blight on the land! The landlord: (also to God) Don't listen to him; he's crazy.