The Pest
1997
Himmel: But I don't want to make the kill. I want to be a hair dresser, write musicals.
(After his crotch caught on fire) Pest: Fear not. The Pest line shall continue. My childrens have been savededed.
(After he pees his pants from fright) Pest: I'm sorry. I couldn't make it to the newspaper.
Pest: ... I hope you get violated by pig monkey men in the woods.
Pest: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the slickest of them all? It's the schemin'est, keenest scam artist. GOD, IT'S SO HARD TO BE MODEST.
Himmel: I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to bore you with the defining trauma of my life.
Pest: Excuse me, but--ahh. Why do I gotta look like something out of "Jungle Book" and you guys all get the nice Banana Republic stuff?
Pest: So, you started a few wars. a-ite? Okay, you actually you started every war, but I mean who's counting; it's not like you ever won one, right? (laughs and pulls Leo's pants down) Leo: Ve kicked France's ass. Pest: Oh please, like who hasn't?
Xantha: Anything you have to say to me... you can say it in front of Malaria. Pest: Anything? Xantha: Anything. Pest: Alright. Malaria's got mossy teeth, dandruff, and a fat butt! Xantha: PEST! Malaria: These jeans make me look fat! Pest: Ah no, Malaria, your fat butt makes you look fat!
Pest: So... uh... what was your snake's name? Himmel: Cocteau. Pest: (nervously) Coc-teau? Like the French playwright? Himmel: Nein... After my two favorite body parts.
Pest: O MY GOD. Quacky. Quacky. What have they dided to you? (Pretends to cry) Which one is he?
Pest: "The United States of... Germany." Wow, somebody's a sore loser.
(Singing) Pest: I'm "ridiculiculous." Like a booger I stick to this.
(singing) Pest: I'm in the mood to scam, simply because I can.
Pest: Love, peace and chicken grease.
Pest: Later, masturbator.
Pest: Of course I farted. What, you think I smell like this all the time?
Himmel: You'd have to shoot me first. (Gustav shoots Himmel) Chubby: I can't believe you shot him. Gustav: Ah, he's wearing a bulletproof vest. Himmel: Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
Angus: Do you know what today is? Pest: The first day of the rest of our lives? Angus: No. Pest: Sean Connery's birthday? Angus: Sean Connery's birthday? Bagpipe Player: SEAN CONNERY'S BIRTHDAY? (Band plays "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow")
(Pest and Angus speak over telephone) Angus: You'd show more respect if we were the Italian mob. Pest: Oh, please. Don't start that again. Angus: Just because we're Scottish people don't take us seriously (Pest burps into mouthpiece)
Leo: Ah, the tracking device I placed in his underwear seems to be working. Himmel: Why does Leo get all the good jobs?
(Pest and Chubbs enter an armory) Pest: Be all you can be! Chubbs: Yeah, don't ask, don't tell. Pest: ... What's that supposed to mean? Chubbs: Oh, nothin'. Pest: Just checkin...
(Leo, Gustav, and Himmer are driving in a VW Beetle) Gustav: Couldn't you have picked a better car? Himmel: I thought you'd like it. It's German. Gustav: Haven't you ever heard of BMW, idiot?
(After tumbling down a steep hill and banging his head against a rock) Pest: Aaahhh, now I'm nice and limber!
(After Gustav wasted his tranquilzers on Xantha's family and his son, missing Pest) Pest: You can't hit me! You can't hit me! You're a big sucker-butt! Ha ha ha, ha ha ha! I can't believe you're German! Ha ha h... (Gustav hits him with the gun handle)
(Pest works at a Chinese restaurant, disguised as Chinese) Mr Cheung How come I don't understand any of your Chinese?: Pest: (in heavy Chinese accent) I from Souff! Is a diffewent diawect! Mr Cheung: Oh really? Well, I'm from Souff too! Pest: (pause) Well, I from FAR, FAR, FAR, far Souff!
Himmel: Don't flatter me. Pest: OK, your feet stink, your nose is point and your mother dresses you funny!
Puerto Rican Boy: If you're blind, how did you know that I was a man? Pest: I could hear your gonads shaking.