The Nanny
1993
C.C.: I couldn't put a foot out of bed this morning. Niles: Did someone put a rock on your coffin again?
C.C.: I feel like I have died and gone to heaven. Niles: I have that dream, too, but you go in the other direction.
C.C.: I find I can catch more flies with honey. Niles: I always thought your tongue darted out.
C.C.: I wouldn't be caught dead in that dress. Niles: You'd have to be dead six months to fit in it.
Fran: I love the outfit, Miss Babcock. C.C.: Of course, it's an Aldolfo. Niles: Hitler?
Fran: Question. When they shot Bambi's mother, did you find that a sad moment... at all? C.C.: I'm sure she's mounted on a nice wall in a fine home somewhere.
Niles: Oh, what are you doing here, the sun is up.
Niles: You know, the next time you give your clothes away, why don't you just stay in them?
C.C.: I'll never get to the airport on time. Niles: That's true, sir, she needs at least two people on her broom to use the Express Lane.
Niles: I once walked in on the Queen-mother. Fran: In the shower? Niles: On the throne.
C.C.: You are a pathetic excuse for a man. Niles: Ditto!
Fran: What's that? Niles: It's a script for Mr Sheffield. Fran: You didn't write another Seinfeld episode did you? Sweetie... it's over.
(Niles is dancing bombastically and singing into his duster. CC enters unexpectedly) Niles: You realize, of course, now I'm going to have to kill you.
C.C.: I find it very unseemly of Maxwell to start dating again. Isn't the customary period of mourning 10 years? Niles: Die. Let's find out.
Sylvia Fine: Trust me, there is only one man who can satisfy a woman in two minutes - Colonel Sanders.
Fran: Oh my God. You're taking back the thing?
Max: If I found a woman who loved my children, could make me laugh and that I found attractive, well, I'd never let her go. (puts his arm around Fran's shoulders and gets his watch caught on her) Fran: Oh, we're stuck on each other.
Max: Oh Niles, what is it this time? Your job, your weight, no future? Niles: Well, Sir, I was just wondering why I have no social life but you cleared that right up for me.
Fran: And remember always follow your heart. Maggie: Well, my heart says I should go back to Sean. Fran: That's not your heart talking.
Nigel: I hope you don't mind me telling you one more time just how, how sexy you are. Fran: Nope, still diggin' it.
C.C.: What is this un-natural obsession Maxwell has with his children? I can count the number of days I spent with my father on one hand. Niles: Seven?
Niles: How do you do, Tiz Maylor? I'm Biles, the nutler.
C.C.: What's Maxwell doing in London? Niles: One would hope, Miss Fine.
(Talking about Fran's new apartment full of homosexual men) Maggie: Are there a lot of cute guys at your new apartment? Fran: Oh, yeah, they're walking right out of the closets.
(after accidentally baby-napping a child) Fran: I wonder if I'll ever really be a mother? Max: Well, there's always the subway. Fran: No way. Forget it. The next time I bring home a baby it's gonna be after nine months of swollen ankles and an epidural that could bring down Secretariat.
(after uncrossing her legs while being interrogated a la Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct") Fran: Ah-hah, forget it. You got a better chance of seeing Tonya Harding on a box of Wheaties.
C.C.: This isn't a typical night. Niles: Yes, you're not home alone sitting on your foot massager watching "Sisters".
Fran: We begged my mother for a Christmas tree, she called it a Chanukah Bush. P.S., the candles from the Menorah set the flocking on fire, and the fumes put my father into the emergency room.
Niles: Finger sandwich? Frank Bakley, Jr: Ewww. What idiot made these? Niles: I did, and they're made from real little boys.
C.C.: Seriously, Niles, where do you keep all that cash? Niles: Someplace you'll never get near. C.C.: Oh, your mattress. Niles: No. (pointing at Mr Sheffield) His.
(last line of the last episode/series) Yetta: This place is gorgeous. Much better than that place you had in New York.
Mr Sheffield: Can you keep a secret? Niles: Well, I'm good until I meet the next person.
Philippe: Hello, Caca. C.C.: What? Philippe: Is this not what C.C. stands for? That is what the butler told me.
Mr Sheffield: He can't make you happy. Fran: I don't wanna be happy. I wanna be married!
(trying to insult Mr Sheffield) Philippe: Your queen looks like a man.
Mr Sheffield: Miss Fine, what are you doing here? Fran: Well, I heard moaning and screaming coming from your room and I figured... I should be part of it.
Niles: Miss Fine and Miss Babcock walking arm in arm. Isn't that one of the biblical signs of the apocalypse?
Fran: You're pretty cocky for a tall, handsome, rich charming guy.
Niles: Good things come to those who wait, unless they wait too long and they slip through their namby-pamby fingers.
Fran: Honey, as long as *I* am living under *your* roof you will do as I say.
(Fran and Sylvia are held hostage by a bank robber) Sylvia: He's not wearing a ring! Fran: Ma, he's a thief! Sylvia: (emphatically) Who'll be worth *millions* in a few minutes.
Sylvia: Do I smell banana fritters with fresh fruit compote? Niles: No. Sylvia: Could I?
Val: The bank robber took your mother. Fran: Oh, my god! That poor man!
C.C.: Let go of me you old... Niles: All right but I just... (C.C. walks out of the kitchen and into the dining room - we here a blood curdling scream) ... waxed the floor.
Sylvia Fine: I'm having palpitations! QUICK! GET ME MY MEDICINE! Fran: (running to the fridge and returning with chocolate syrup)
(after Fran's fiancé kisses C.C) Niles: Did Caca do a no-no in the kitchen?
(after spraying Maxwell's leather couch) Niles: I couldn't resist the infomercial, sir. "Unwanted dirt just slides right off!" (C.C. slips off the chair) Niles: And voila!
Sylvia Fine: Yetta! These aren't Fran's children! Fran doen't have any children! She's not married, SHE'S ALL ALONE! Fran: Louder, Ma, I don't think they heard you IN URUGUAY!
C.C.: Do you know what makes me feel better when I'm sad? Fran: A fifth of scotch and a pack of batteries?
Grandma Eloise: (to C.C) Are you single by choice? Niles: Yes, but not hers.
(Fran and C.C. are trapped in the Sheffield's wine cellar and C.C. is forced to have Fran do her hair and nails) Fran: (doing a harassed-looking C.C.'s nails) Mint Chocolate Chip, Jamocha Almond Fudge, Pralines and Cream... That's it. That's 30. (Gasp) Oh my God, they lied! 30's a lot. Was 31 so catchy? Wait a minute. I forgot the Sherbert. All right. I'll start again. Vanilla... C.C.: STOP IT!
Fran: Lamb Chop! I have been a fan of yours ever since I was a little girl. Lamb Chop: Ever since you were a... (chuckles) That is UMpossible. I'm only six. Fran: Oh, come on. I remember I used to watch you in my black-and-white... Lamb Chop: I'm ONLY six. Fran: Oh, I get it. That's okay. My mother counts in lamb years, too!
Max: If Barbra Streisand and your mother were drowning, who would you save? Fran: Well, of course, I'd save my mother. Barbra can walk on water.
Grace 'Gracie' Sheffield: Look Fran, giant Barbie Dolls. Fran: No Honey, these toys are for boys.
Fran: I saw Mr Sheffield naked in the shower.
C.C.: Maxwell, I'm an important part of this team. Niles: That's true sir, that couch would be floating all around if she weren't here to weigh it down.
Max: I'm going to ask Fran to sign a prenuptial agreement. Niles: Why don't you just walk through downtown Iraq dressed like Uncle Sam? It'll be quicker.
(C.C. sees Maxwell's new girlfriend who is just like Fran) C.C.: Good God. It's multiplying.
Max: (Brighton has asked to go to Atlantic City, and has pitted Max and Fran against each other by saying that Max doesn't respect her opinion) I am his father! Fran: Well, what am I? Max: You're the nanny! Fran: (gasps) You called me the "N" word! Did you head that, Niles? Niles: Do you get the house in the settlement? Fran: Uh-huh! Niles: (pops his head out from behind a wall) Every word!
Max: Sweetheart, how was therapy today, hm? any recent breakthroughs? Grace 'Gracie' Sheffield: Dr Brevesworth took me on a trip through my childhood Fran: Must have been a short trip! Grace 'Gracie' Sheffield: Oh, you have NO idea how complicated i am.
Fran: As appealing as Hepatitis sounds, yellow's just not my color.
Max: (to Fran) Have you seen Gracie's Halloween costume? She looks a bit more like a trick than a treat.
Brighton Sheffield: Yeah, it just so happens that your voice carries. Fran: To your bedroom? Brighton Sheffield: To Michigan.
Fran: You shouldn't leave the house with things unresolved. That's why men die young. Max: That's not why. Because they want to.
Fran: By the way, Niles, what is your family name? Niles: It's just Niles... Like Cher.
Fran: You know, I've got half a mind... Max: No argument there!
Max: (drinking a hangover-remedy) Urgh, Niles, it's far too early in the morning for something this repulsive. Niles: (C.C. enters; Niles walks up to her) Mr Sheffield wants you to go home and come back in an hour.
Max: (Niles is making Max look bad) Niles, why don't you close the window before your Christmas bonus flies out the window?
C.C.: (Max is hiring a female to promote him) Maxwell, I want a man! Niles: The last one deflated when she nibbled at his ear.
C.C.: (to Niles) Don't you have something to dust? Niles: How about the left side of your bed?
Max: Well, I've made up my mind. I can't risk Margaret spending her entire vacation kissing that boy... I'm sending her abroad. Fran: A broad? Well, if you wanna swing her that way...
Niles: Why don't you let me carry the tray up to Maxwell? No, I'll do it. Niles: Fifty dollars. Why don't you just tell me how old you are then I'll let you do it. Niles: Seventy-five. (meaning dollars) Now was that so hard to admit?
Max: You are going to *rectify* this situation! Fran: Wow, that sounds painful...
C.C.: What's Max doing in Paris? Niles: Miss Fine, hopefully.
Niles: If you let me tell Miss Babcock the good news, I'll work for you for free for a year.
Max: (Fran is standing at the door, waiting for a celebrity she isn't allowed to meet) Miss Fine! Fran: I'm seeing the children off to school. Max: They left an hour ago! Fran: It's a clear day, I can see forever.
Sylvia Fine: (Sylvia takes a picture of Niles cleaning the windows) Sorry, my girl doesn't do windows. I thought I'd show her it's not such a sin. Niles: (as if suggesting they make love) Follow me into the kitchen... I'll clean behind the refrigerator.
Max: Where the devil is C.C.? Niles: Well, Sir, it is raining outside... maybe she melted? (pause) Shall I look outside for a pointy hat and Chanel suit?
Brighton Sheffield: Oh, so you're pretending to be an actor? Fran: No, you're thinking of Steven Seagal.
Fran: ("analyzing" Corbin Bernsen, the former star of L.A. Law) Well... I can tell you're not a lawyer... Glen Mitchell: Why can't I be a lawyer? Fran: Well, not in New York... maybe L.A.
C.C.: Me and Max have rented a cottage right by the lake. Niles: How convenient, Sir, should you choose to drown yourself.
C.C.: Tonight, it's a full moon. (leaves) Fran: I hope she packed a lot of Nair...
Fran: (referring to C.C.) So, Niles... did you let "it" out? Niles: Yes, and the villagers were not happy.
C.C.: I'll bet my reputation on it! Niles: Sorry, there's a five dollar limit.
C.C.: I could kill you... I could throw you down and rip out your heart! Fran: (to Maxwell) She doesn't have a key to the house, does she?
Max: Niles, we're having company! Niles: (to Fran) Thirty years and he still thinks company excites me.
Niles: (to C.C.) Why can't you just be happy for me? I'm not used to being called Sir. You're used to it.
C.C.: Oh, it is so pathetic, Nanny Fine thinking she could win a kissing contest. I mean kissing is an art, it has to be sensuous, deeply felt, and most of all, spontaneous. (C.C. kisses Niles) Niles: Was it as bad for you as it was for me?