The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!
1988
Frank: It's true what they say: Cops and women don't mix. It's like eating a spoonful of Drano, sure it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside.
Jane: I've heard police work is dangerous. Frank: It is. That's why I carry a big gun. Jane: Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally? Frank: I used to have that problem. Jane: What did you do about it? Frank: I just think about baseball.
Frank: It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day. Jane: Goodyear? Frank: No, the worst.
Frank: Just think, next time I shoot someone, I could be arrested.
Frank: It's fourth and fifteen and you're looking at a full-court press.
Mayor: Now Drebin, I don't want any trouble like you had on the South Side like last year, that's my policy. Frank: Well, when I see five weirdos dressed in togas, stabbing a man in the middle of the park in front of a full view of 100 people, I shoot the bastards, that's my policy. Mayor: That was a Shakesphere In The Park Production of Julius Caesar, you moron! You killed five actors! Good ones!
Ed: A hunch won't stand up in court, Frank. What we need are hard facts. Frank: Look, Ed. Ludwig was the only one besides us who knew Nordberg was still alive. Next thing you know, some thug tries to knock him off in the hospital. Ed: Yeah, but going into Ludwig's office without a warrant, you're taking a big chance. Frank: I know. You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street or sticking your face in a fan.
Frank: Jane, since I've met you I've noticed things that I never knew were there before; birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights.
Frank: Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute before until he's behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat.
Frank: Interesting... Almost as interesting as the photographs I saw today. Jane: I was young. I needed the work.
(Jane climbs a ladder) Frank: Nice beaver! Jane: (producing a stuffed beaver) Thank you. I just had it stuffed.
(Frank Drebin is emptying out his files after being kicked off the force) Frank: Hey! The missing evidence in the Kelner case! My God, he really was innocent! Ed: He went to the chair two years ago, Frank. Frank: Well, uh... (Frank Drebin quickly shoves the evidence back into the file cabinet)
(Frank Drebin is angrily breaking up with Jane Spencer) Frank: Oh, and one more thing: I faked every orgasm! Jane: (heartbroken) Oh, Funny Face.
Jane: I wanted you to know, now, I've loved you since the first day I met you, and I'll never stop. I'm a very lucky woman. Frank: So am I...
(Drebin searches a drawer) Frank: Bingo! (pulls out a bingo card)
(offering a cigar) Vincent Ludwig: Cuban? Frank: No, Dutch-Irish. My father was from Wales.
Jane: Would you like a nightcap? Frank: No thank you, I don't wear them.
Ed: Doctors say that Nordberg has a 50 - 50 chance of living, though there's only a 10 percent chance of that.
Thug: Drebin? Frank: Yeah! Thug: I got a message for you from Vincent Ludwig. (Shoots gun at Drebin) Take this you son of a bitch! Frank: I can't hear you! Don't fire the gun while you're talking!
Ludwig: So they were able to get him to the hospital in time? Frank: Yes, he's in the intensive care ward at Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle.
(while Jane is erotically sucking his finger) Frank: I've got nine more.
Nurse #2: Mrs Nordberg, I think we can save your husband's arm. Where would you like it sent?
Mrs Nordberg: Oh, my poor Nordberg! He was such a good man, Frank. He never wanted to hurt anyone. Who would do such a thing? Frank: It's hard to tell. A gang of thugs, a blackmailer, an angry husband, a gay lover...
Frank: Protecting the Queen's safety is a task that is gladly accepted by Police Squad. No matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be to us, as Americans we must be gracious and considerate hosts.
Frank: I've finally found someone I can love - a good, clean love... without utensils.
(Frank recalls a prior love) Frank: I'd known her for years. We used to go to all the police functions together. Ah, how I loved her, but she had her music. I think she had her music. She'd hang out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony. I don't recall her playing an instrument or be able to carry a tune. Yet she was on the road 300 days of the year. In fact I bought her a harp for christmas. She asked me what it was.
Jane: How could you do something so vicious Vincent Ludwig: It was easy my dear. You forget I spent two years as a building contractor.
Frank: oh, say can you see, buy the dawn's early light, what so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming. who's bright strips and broad stars, in the parelious night, o'er the rampart's we watched, as the da da, da, da, da, da, and the rocket's red glare, lots of bombs in the air, gave proof to the night, that we still had a flag, oh say does that spangle banner wave, over all-l-l-l-l that's free, over the home, of the land, and the land of the free!
Jane: I was only doing what I was told to do. Frank: Like make love to me? Jane: (gasps) FRANK! (slaps him across the face)
(Frank Drebin walks through town) Frank: (narrating) The attempt on Nordberg's life left me shaken and disturbed, and all the questions kept coming up over and over again, like bubbles in a case of club soda. Who was this character in the hospital? And why was he trying to kill Nordberg? And for whom? Did Ludwig lie to me? I didn't have any proof, but, somehow, I didn't entirely trust him, either. Why was the I Luv You not listed in Ludwig's records? And if it was, did he know about it? And if he didn't, who did? And where the hell was I?
Ed: You want to take a dingy? Frank: No, I took care of that at the press conference.
Mayor Barkley: Entering without a search warrant, destroying property, arson, sexual assault with a concrete dildo... what the hell's got into you, Frank?
Frank: A good cop - needlessly cut down by some cowardly hoodlums. Ed: No way for a man to die. Frank: No... you're right, Ed. A parachute not opening... that's a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine... having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that's the way I wanna go. Wilma Nordberg: (cries) Oh... Frank. This is terrible. Ed: Don't you worry Wilma. Your husband is going to be alright. Don't you worry about anything. Just think positive. Never let a doubt enter your mind. Frank: He's right, Wilma. But I wouldn't wait until the last minute to fill out those organ donor cards. (Wilma cries again) Ed: What I'm trying to say is that Wilma, as soon as Nordburg is better, he's welcome back at Police Squad. Frank: Unless he's a drooling vegetable. But I think that's only common sense... (Wilma cries again)
Jane: I'm boiling a roast. How hot and wet do you like it? Frank: Very hot, and awfully wet.
Truck Driver: (shouts) Ya dumb broad! Driving instructor: All right, Stephanie, gently extend your arm. Extend your middle finger. Very good. Well done.
(Frank grabs a baseball bat and gets one of the umpire's attention) Frank: Oh, excuse me. Um, could you tell me. Is this an official bat? (Frank struck the umpire's head with the bat and was knocked out. Frank drags him to the equipment room)
(in the midst of a fight in a Conference room, Frank wipes off Mikhail Gorbachev's birthmark. Frank looks at us) Frank: I knew it. (Frank crashes Gorbachev through a wall)
(Frank has beaten a horde of America's most-feared world leaders in a conference room and heads for a door) Muammar al-Qaddafi: Hey, who are you? Frank: I'm Lt Frank Drebin! Police Squad! And don't ever let me catch you guys in America! (the door hits Frank in the face and he loses his balance)