The Muppet Christmas Carol

1992

Gonzo: I am here to tell the story. Rizzo the Rat: And I am here for the food.

Rizzo the Rat: Light the lamp, not the rat, light the lamp.

Vegetables: If he became a flavor you can bet he would be sour. Yuck. Muppet Man: Even the vegetables don't like him.

(Gonzo and Rizzo are flying over London) Gonzo: Hello, London. Rizzo the Rat: Goodbye, lunch.

(an urchin steals a talking vegetable) Vegetable: Help. Help. I'm being stolen.

Ghost of Christmas Past: Let us see another Christmas at this place. Ebenezer Scrooge: They were pretty much all the same. Nothing ever changed. Ghost of Christmas Past: You changed.

Fozziwig: At this time in the proceedings, it is a tradition for me to make a little speech. Jacob Marley: And it is a tradition for us to take a little nap.

Fozziwig: Here is my Christmas speech. "Thank you all, and Merry Christmas." Jacob Marley: That was the speech? Robert Marley: It was dumb. Jacob Marley: It was obvious. Robert Marley: It was pointless. Jacob Marley: It was... short. Robert Marley, Jacob Marley: I loved it.

Rizzo the Rat: Mother always taught me: "Never eat singing food."

Ebenezer Scrooge: You're a little absent-minded, spirit. Ghost of Christmas Present: No, I am a LARGE absent-minded spirit.

Ebenezer Scrooge: What business has brought you here? Ghost of Christmas Past: Your welfare. Ebenezer Scrooge: Heh, a night's unbroken rest might aid my welfare. Ghost of Christmas Past: Your salvation, then.

(Describing Fozziwig) Ebenezer Scrooge: What an employer he was. As hard and ruthless as a rose petal.

Rizzo the Rat: (as he is being used to clean a window) Thank you for making me a part of this.

Jacob Marley: Why do you doubt your senses? Ebenezer Scrooge: Because a little thing can effect them. A slight disorder of the stomach can make them cheat. You may be a bit of undigested beef, a blob of mustard, a crumb of cheese. Yes. There's more gravy than of grave about you. Robert Marley: More gravy than of grave? Jacob Marley: What a terrible pun. Where'd you get those jokes? Robert Marley: Leave comedy to the bears, Ebenezer.

Robert Marley: We were always heckling you. Jacob Marley: It's good to be heckling again. Robert Marley: It's good to be doing anything again.

Kermit the Frog: If you please Mr Scrooge, it's gotten colder and the bookkeeping staff would like an extra shovel full of coal for the fire. Rat #1: All of your pens have turned to inkcicles. Rat #2: Our assets are frozen. Ebenezer Scrooge: How would the bookkeeping staff like to be suddenly... UNEMPLOYED? Rats: (singing) HEAT WAVE. This is my island in the sun.

Rizzo the Rat: There are two things in life I hate-heights and jumping from them. Gonzo: Come on, I'll catch you. Rizzo the Rat: God save my little broken body. (Jumps and falls to the ground. He looks at Gonzo) Gonzo: Missed. Rizzo the Rat: Oh wait- I forgot my jellybeans. (Slides through the bars to retrieve them, and joins Gonzo back on the other side, who is staring at him) What? Gonzo: You can fit through those bars? Rizzo the Rat: Yeah. Gonzo: You are such an idiot.

Ebenezer Scrooge: What right have you to be merry? You're poor enough. Fred: What right have you to be dismal? You're rich enough. Rizzo the Rat: Got 'im there. The old boy's speechless. Ebenezer Scrooge: Nephew, if I could work my will any idiot who goes around with a Merry Christmas on his lips would be cooked with his own turkey and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. Rizzo the Rat: Well, not quite speechless.

Lew Zealand: It's the boomerang fish. Guaranteed fresh. I throw the fish A-WAY... and it comes back to me. Get 'em while they're fresh.

Sam Eagle: Oh, you will love business. It is the American Way. Gonzo: Uh, Sam (whispers) Sam Eagle: Oh. It is the BRITISH way.

Ghost of Christmas Past: There was of course, another Christmas with this girl. Some years later. Ebenezer Scrooge: Oh please, spirit... do not show me that Christmas.

Rizzo the Rat: Well hoity-toity Mr God-Like Smarty Pants.

Rizzo the Rat: Rats don't understand these things. Gonzo: You were never a lonely child? Rizzo the Rat: I had twelve hundred and seventy four brothers and sisters. Gonzo: Boy! Rats don't understand these things!

(the schoolroom shelf has collapsed) Sam the Eagle: I've been meaning to fix that shelf.

Ebenezer Scrooge: Bob Cratchit, I've had my fill of this. Miss Piggy: And I have had my fill of you, Mr Scrooge! Ebenezer Scrooge: And therefore, Bob Cratchit... Miss Piggy: And therefore, you can leave this house at once! Ebenezer Scrooge: I'm about to raise your salary. Miss Piggy: Ooh, and I am about to raise you right off the pavement...

Gonzo: It was the afternoon of Christmas Eve and Scrooge was conscious of a thousand odors, each one connected with a thousand thoughts and hopes and joys and cares long, long forgotten.

Ghost of Christmas Past: I can remember nearly 1900 years. I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Ebenezer Scrooge: Christmas is a very busy time for us, Mr Cratchit. People preparing feasts, giving parties, spending the mortgage money on frivolities. One might say that December is the foreclosure season. Harvest time for the money-lenders.

Rizzo the Rat: Oh, what was that? Gonzo: Two o'clock. Rizzo the Rat: Is it too early for breakfast? Gonzo: Yes. Rizzo the Rat: Oh good, suppertime!

Rizzo the Rat: This is scary stuff! Shouldn't we be worried about the kids in the audience? Gonzo: Oh, no, this is culture!

(Scrooge has met the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come) Rizzo the Rat: I don't think I can watch any more! Gonzo: When you're right, you're right (turning to face the audience) You're on your own, folks. We'll meet you at the finale! Rizzo the Rat: Yeah!

(Rizzo refuses to belive that Gonzo is Charles Dickins) Gonzo: I know the story of A Christmas Carol like the back of my hand! Rizzo the Rat: Prove it! Gonzo: Okay. (turns around and holds his arm out) Gonzo: There's a mole on my thumb, and a scar on my wrist, from when I fell of my bicycle! Rizzo the Rat: (shaking his head) No, no, no, don't tell us your hand, tell us the story!

(Rizzo and "Mr Dickins' are sitting on the window ledge outside Scrooge's bedroom) Rizzo the Rat: (looking around) Are you sure it's safe for us to be up here? Gonzo: Scrooge is saved. What could happen now? Rizzo the Rat: Yeah, perhaps you're right! (Scrooge opens the window, knocking Rizzo and "Mr Dickins' off the ledge)

Gonzo: He was a cold, grasping, nose to the grindstone, Scr... (noticing the window of Scrooge's office) Wow, this really *is* a filthy city!

(Scrooge has thrown Mr Applegate out of the office) Mr Applegate: Thank you for not shouting at me!

Ebenezer Scrooge: I do not make merry at Christmas... Fred: That is certainly true. Ebenezer Scrooge: And I cannot afford to make other people merry. Fred: That is certainly *not* true!

Gonzo: (whispering) Once again, I must inform you that the Marley's were dead, for if this is not known, none of what will happen will be expected. Rizzo the Rat: Why are you whispering? Gonzo: It's for dramatic purposes.

Rizzo the Rat: (falls down a chimney ignoring Gonzo) Hey! I'm stuck! Get me out of here! Gonzo: I knew you weren't suited for literature.

Gonzo: My name is Charles Dickens. Rizzo the Rat: And my name is Rizzo the Rat... wait a second! You're not Charles Dickens! Gonzo: I am too! Rizzo the Rat: No! A blue furry Charles Dickens who hangs out with a rat? Charles Dickens was a 19th Century novelest! A genius! Gonzo: Why, thank you.

Rizzo the Rat: I fell down the chimney and landed on a flaming hot goose! Gonzo: You have all the fun!

Trader: I've got his blankets. Old Joe: (taking the blankets) Why, Mrs Dibler, they're still warm. I don't pay extra for the warmth, you know. Trader: You should. It's the only warmth he ever had.

Ebenezer Scrooge: This is Bob Crachit's house. Ghost of Christmas Present: How do you know that? Ebenezer Scrooge: You just told me. Ghost of Christmas Present: Well, I'm *usually* trustworthy.

Ebenezer Scrooge: I don't think I've met anyone quite like you, spirit. Ghost of Christmas Present: No? Over 1800 of my brothers have come before me. Ebenezer Scrooge: 1800! Imagine the grocery bills.

Kermit the Frog: It's ok, girls. Life is made up of meetings and partings. That is the way of it. I'm sure that we shall never forget Tiny Tim, or this first parting that there was among us

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