The Mask
1994
Mask: Hold on, Sugar! Daddy's got a sweet tooth tonight!
The Bank Manager: You're 40 minutes late, Ipkiss! Now that's the same as stealing!
(after being shot) Mask: Hold me closer Ed, it's getting dark. Tell Auntie Em to let Old Yeller out, (cough cough) Mask: , tell Tiny Tim I won't be coming home this Christmas, tell Scarlett I do give a damn, (he dies, an audience appears and applauds while The Mask is handed an acting award) Mask: Thank you, you love me, you really love me!
(the Mask, standing in front of a mirror, in the process of going out to a club) The Mask: It's party time. P, A, R, T. Why? Because I gotta!
(Stanley attempts to get his dog to steal the keys from the sleeping guard) Stanley Ipkiss: No Milo, not the "cheese"... The "keys"!
Charlie Schumacher: Forget her, Stanley... That girl will tear your heart out, put it in a blender and hit "frappe."
The Mask: Our love is like a red, red rose... and I am a little thorny.
The Mask: (innocently) No! It wasn't me! It was the One-Armed Man!
Charlie Schumacher: That was beautiful! I got chills! What side of whose bed did you wake up on?
Peggy Brandt: Most of the men in this town think monogamy is some kind of wood.
(Pulls out a condom in front of a bunch of thugs) The Mask: Sorry, wrong pocket.
Eddy: The money better be here, Ipkiss. Or you're gonna "Ipkiss" your ass goodbye.
(in a thick French accent) The Mask: Hello Cherie. We meet again. Is it fate? Is it meant to be? Is it written in the stars that we are destined to fraternize? (Normal voice) I'd like to think so. Ha, ha ha!
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: There can't be two idiots with pajamas like these
Alley Punk: Hey, mister! You got the time? The Mask: As a matter of fact I do, Cubby. (pulls out a wind up alarm clock) The Mask: LOOK AT THAT! It's about two seconds before I honk your nose and pull your underwear over your head!
The Mask: SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSMOKIN!
The Mask: Ooh, somebody stop me!
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Somebody STOLE your pajamas? Stanley Ipkiss: I mean, uh, what is this world coming to when a man's... *pajama drawer* is no longer safe?
(Lt Mitch Kellaway finds a picture of his wife in the Mask's pocket) Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Margaret! Why you son of a bitch! The Mask: Jeez, I figured you'd have a sense of humor; after all... YOU MARRIED HER!
(the police are searching The Mask) . Cop: A bazooka? The Mask: I have a permit for that.
Niko: (hits a golf ball. It lands in one those virtual reality golf game screens) Niko's Golf Game: 198 yards. Niko: (turns to see that Dorian has arrived) Hello, Dorian... Thanks for dropping by. Dorian Tyrell: Well, you know you could have just called me. Leave these delivery boys alone. Niko: (grins at thugs evilly) Niko's Thugs: (forces Dorian to ground. One of them laughs as the other places a wooden tee in Dorian's mouth) Dorian Tyrell: (spits the tee out) Niko's Thugs: (one of them takes a gun out and holds it to Dorian's head, the other looks a Niko who nods and then places another tee in Dorian's mouth and then puts a golf ball on it) Niko: (swings club slowly) The cops, ah... tried to shut the club down this morning. They say you've been running it to make your own low life money schemes. I hear things like that, and I lose concentration of things. Like my game! (pulls the club back for swing) It goes straight to hell. You could too, you know. (swings and hits the ball) Dorian Tyrell: (groaning in pain) Oh, owl. Niko's Golf Game: 296 yards. Niko: I'm fed up with you, Dorian. But I'm gonna cut you a break. One week to get out of town. (brushing Dorian's cheek with the club) After that I'll use by 9-iron to break your skull. Dorian Tyrell: (smacks the club away from his face) Niko's Thugs: (lifts Dorian up roughly and escort him out of office)
Dorian/Mask: Ladies and Gentlemen, I will be your host for the remainder of the evening.
Dorian/Mask: This party's over (bends down to time bomb) in 10 minutes. (starts time bomb)
Dorian Tyrell: What happened? Freeze: Some one hit the joint before we could. Dorian Tyrell: Here have a cigarette. (places one in Freeze's mouth and tries to light his lighter) Freeze: (goes limp/cigarette falls out of his mouth by the time Dorian's got the lighter going) Dorian Tyrell: (upset) Son of a bitch! (throws the cigarette lighter across the bar room where it crashes and breaks something)
Stanley Ipkiss: (looking wistfully at the poster of Tina) She'll never be mine... (He turns and sees the mask lying on the sofa. Slowly, he walks over to it and holds it...) Stanley Ipkiss: (throwing it over the sofa) No way. (Walks away, then jumps over the sofa)
Dr Arthur Neuman: We all wear masks... metaphorically speaking.
(the closing scenes. Stanley and Tina are standing at the bridge) Stanley Ipkiss: (holding the mask in his hand) You - you sure you don't want this guy? With him gone... there's just me. (Without a word, Tina takes it from him and throws it into the water, then grabs and kisses him. Meanwhile, Charlie, watching them, gets out of the car and rushes over to the edge of the bridge to look for the mask. It's floating in the water, so he climbs over the railing and jumps in...) Charlie Schumacher: (seeing Milo swimming off with the mask) MILO! (Meanwhile...) Stanley Ipkiss: (a wide grin on his face) SSSMOKIN'! (He grabs Tina and kisses her...)
Maggie: Stanley, you are the nicest guy. Really, you are. Stanley Ipkiss: Yeah? Maggie: Charlie, isn't Stanley the nicest guy? Charlie Schumacher: The best. (Maggie walks off) Charlie Schumacher: That was THE most sickening display I've ever seen. Stanley Ipkiss: I disagree. I think I'm wearing her down.
Charlie Schumacher: The Coco Bongo Club. Hottest new joint in town. Only the creme de la creme need apply. Stanley Ipkiss: So how do we get in?
Stanley Ipkiss: It's a power tie. It's supposed to make you feel powerful. Tina Carlyle: Does it work? (He is awed by her beauty) Stanley Ipkiss: Now, how about that account? We have savings, checking, savings and checking, CDs, savings and CDs, checking and CDs, savings, checking, and CDs, T-bills, or we can just take all your money and throw it in a big mattress back there.
Irv: (taking out car part) Hey, Burt, what the hell is this? Burt: Oh, I don't know, about seven hundred bucks, eh?
Stanley Ipkiss: I'm here for the Civic. Irv: The brake drums are shot and you need a new transmission. Stanley Ipkiss: What? All I wanted was an oil change! Burt: Well, you're lucky we found these problems now before they cause you some serious trouble.
Stanley Ipkiss: (being lifted by bodyguards) You put me down, or I am never coming back here! (they drop him on ground) Stanley Ipkiss: Thanks.
Mrs Peenman: Ipkiss, do you have any idea what time it is? Stanley Ipkiss: Actually, no (Mrs Peenman spots his wet feet on her carpet) Mrs Peenman: My new carpet! Well, this is coming right out of your security deposit, Ipkiss! Stanley Ipkiss: You know, Mrs Peenman... Mrs Peenman: What? Stanley Ipkiss: (sarcastically) Nothing. Mrs Peenman: Well, that's what you are, Ipkiss, a big nothing!
Mrs Peenman: Ipkiss, turn down those cartoons! Stanley Ipkiss: All right, Mrs PeenMAN!
Stanley Ipkiss: (imitating Dr Neuman) That's correct, Wendy. We all wear masks, metaphorically speaking. (Stanley laughs, puts on mask, it starts to suck on his face and he pulls it off) Stanley Ipkiss: (bewildered) Yeah, right.
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Ipkiss? Stanley Ipkiss? Stanley Ipkiss: Yes? Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Lt Kellaway, city precinct. You know anything about the disturbance last night? Stanley Ipkiss: Dis... turbance? Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Yeah, some kind of prowler broke in and attacked Mrs Peenman. Stanley Ipkiss: Attacked? Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: You didn't hear anything? She unloaded a couple of rounds of buckshot 5 feet from your door. (Stanley sees Mrs Peenman complaining about big hole in floor) Stanley Ipkiss: This is... impossible. Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Those pajamas are impossible. This actually happened. Stanley Ipkiss: See, I have an inner ear problem. Sometimes I can't hear anything. Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Is that a fact? Stanley Ipkiss: Eh? (laughs) Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Here's my card. If you remember anything unusual about last night, anything at all, call me. Stanley Ipkiss: You betcha. Thank you. And good luck... cracking the case.
Peggy Brandt: I'm with the Evening Star. Can you tell me what happened here? Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: No, and you can quote me. Peggy Brandt: Well, it looks like some sort of Mob tactic. Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: There it is, boys, she broke the case. Come on, get these rubbernecks out of here.
Charlie Schumacher: (after Mr Dickey leaves) Gee, I wish MY daddy owned a bank. Then I could be a rich little creep too.
Peggy Brandt: Hi, I'm Peggy Brandt from the Tribune. Stanley Ipkiss: Oh, hi. Look, I cancelled my subscription because they kept stealing my paper from the... Peggy Brandt: Oh, no, actually, I just want to ask you a few questions. Stanley Ipkiss: Really? About what? Peggy Brandt: Ripley Auto Finishing. You're a customer of theirs, aren't you? Stanley Ipkiss: Me? No. I don't even have a car. You know, 'cause they pollute. Peggy Brandt: You don't own an '89 Civic? Stanley Ipkiss: Oh, that car, yeah. Yeah. It's all coming back to me.
Dorian Tyrell: Okay, Twinkle Toes. I want to know where my money is, and I want to know right now. The Mask: Okay (sits on stool and takes out typewriter) You've got 17.5% in T-bills amortized over the fiscal year, 8% in stocks and bonds. Carry the 9, divide by the Gross National Product... fortunately, funeral bouquets are deductible. Dorian Tyrell: (to henchman) Ice this deadbeat!
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Drop it, Tyrell! Dorian Tyrell: Hey, Kellaway! Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Drop it! Dorian Tyrell: A'right. (drops gun) So, you got a warrant this time? Or'd you just stop by for a nightcap? Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: What I got is probable cause. A couple of your boys was spotted knocking over Edge City Bank. Dorian Tyrell: (to Doyle) Easy, junior, you're giving me a Woody. Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: And one of 'em was wearing a big green mask. Dorian Tyrell: You know, for once, Kellaway, you're right. Except it wasn't one of my boys. Maybe if you tried a little actual police work... Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: (to policemen) Cuff 'em. Cop: Hey, lieutenant, we got a stiff upstairs. It's one of the guys from the heist. Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Better call that high-priced lawyer of yours, Tyrell. You and I are going downtown for a little chat. Get him out of here! Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: (spots Stanley's pajamas on floor) Ipkiss!
Stanley Ipkiss: (to Kellaway) Hi, lieutenant. Listen, this isn't the best time right now for a... (Kellaway enters) Won't you come in?
Dorian Tyrell: 50 grand. 50 grand to the man who finds that green-faced son of a bitch before the cops do. I want you to get the word out to every street hustler, to every lowlife in this town, you understand? I want him here tomorrow, alive.
Doyle: You got any pickle relish? Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Doyle, get in the car. Doyle: But I ordered onion rings. Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Doyle!
The Mask: (to Tina) Kiss me, my dear, and I will reveal my croissant. I will spread your pate. I will dip my ladle in your vichyssoise. (Tina kicks him and scampers away) The Mask: (squeaky voice) She is so coy. (deep voice) I love it!
The Mask: And now, like Napoleon, I will divide and conquer. (about to kiss Tina) Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Ipkiss! Police! The Mask: Merde.
Doyle: (searching Mask) Really big sunglasses, nerf ball... Cop: Bike horn... Doyle: Small-mouthed bass... Cop: Bowling pin... Doyle: Aah! Mousetrap... Cop: Rubber chicken... The Mask: Little to the left. That's it. Doyle: I don't know. Cop: Funny eyeball glasses... The Mask: I've never seen those before in my life. Cop: Bazooka... The Mask: I have a permit for that.
Dr Arthur Neuman: I'm talking about the mythology, Mr Ipkiss. This is a piece of wood.
Dorian Tyrell: Stanley! Tell me. How's this mask work? Stanley Ipkiss: I don't know. You just put it on. (Dorian is about to put on the mask) Eddy: Boss! You better be carefull, huh? (Dorian puts on the mask and transforms himself into The Mask) Dorian Tyrell: What a rush! Eddy: Wow, boss! You're okay? Dorian Tyrell: Better than ever, you idiot. Eddy: What do we do with Ipkiss? Dorian Tyrell: The police are looking for The Mask. So, we'll give them the mask.
Bank Manager: Ipkiss! We have a crisis on our hands and you stroll in over an hour late... Stanley Ipkiss: Back off monkey-boy, or I'll tell your daddy you're running this place like you're own personal piggie-bank or maybe I should call the IRS and arrange a little vacation for you at club FED!
Bobby: Uh, are you on the list? The Mask: Noooo. But I believe my friends are. Perhaps you know them. (He takes fistfuls of high denomination cash out of his pocket) The Mask: Franklin, Grant, and... Jackson?
The Mask: Look Ma, I'm roadkill!
(the mask pulls out his guns) The Mask: (in Clint Eastwood voice) You gotta ask yourself one question. "Do I feel lucky?" Well do ya? Punks!
(Mrs.Peenman has just stormed into her flat and slammed the door on Stanley) Stanley Ipkiss: (Angrily) Aren't you due back at the lab to have your bolts tightened.
(Thugs shoot at the Mask) The Mask: Did you miss me? (Takes a drink, and the liquid pours out through holes in his body) The Mask: I GUESS NOT!
(Tyrell and Ipkiss are fighting at the club) Dorian Tyrell: I'm gonna take you apart. Stanley Ipkiss: Well, I hope you can enjoy the victory with one freakin' eye! (Ipkiss pokes Tyrell in the eye)
The Mask: Je t'adore. Je t'window. I don't care!
Stanley Ipkiss: (explaining how The Mask works) It's like it brings your innermost desires to life. If deep down you're a little repressed, and a hopeless romantic, you become some kind of love-crazy wild man. Tina Carlyle: And if you're someone like Dorian? Stanley Ipkiss: Then we're all in big trouble.
Tina Carlyle: (about Dorian, with the mask) He's going to the charity ball tonight. He's gonna do something terrible. Stanley Ipkiss: Like what, the Lumbada?
Doyle: (gets picture out of mask's pocket) Picture of Kellaway's wife Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: What? Mask: Uh oh Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Barbara, you son of a bitch! Mask: Geez I thought you would have a sense of humor, after all you married her!
(Kellaway arrives at the park to arrest the Mask) Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: (as the Mask jumps away from the bench) Freeze! (the Mask stops in mid air, covered in icicles) Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Get down from there! The Mask: (Muffled) But you told me to freeze! Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: All right, all right, unfreeze! (the icicles vanish, and the Mask falls to the ground)
(Kellaway and Doyle climb over the park wall, to find the Mask leading a big dance number) Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: (Grabbing Doyle by the arm) Start dancing, and I'll blow your brains out!
(the Mayor has ordered Kellaway and Doyle to report to his office in the morning) Doyle: That doesn't sound good! Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: What *would* sound good to you, Doyle? Doyle: Breakfast!