The Magic Christian
1969
Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE: (voiceover, as a £10 note appears onscreen) Ladies and gentlemen, this is what is commonly known as money. It comes in all sizes, colours, and denominations - like people. We'll be using quite a bit of it in the next two hours... luckily I have enough for ALL of us.
Hamlet: (Laurence Harvey, onstage) "To be... " Youngman Grand, Esq.: (loud enough to be heard, turning to Sir Guy) I've seen it. Hamlet: "Or not to be... that is the question." Youngman Grand, Esq.: Shakespeare, right? Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE: (whispers, eyes toward the stage) Right, and double right.
Ginger Horton: Ah! My Second World War Nazi atrocity book came at last. (turns to Youngman, dog in her lap, and browses the book) Ginger Horton: Do you know what Bitsy and I do? We sit down and imagine all those atrocities being done to sex criminals. - Yes, sex criminals and the like. And that Dr Thorndike! Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE: (overhearing) What's that, Ginge? Bill Thorndike a sexy criminal? Ginger Horton: The man you sent me to. He behaved VERY strangely.
Youngman Grand, Esq.: You're certainly puttin' everybody on today, Dad. Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE: Well, you know, Youngman, sometimes it's not enough merely to teach. One has to punish as well. A little bit of the old pause. Youngman Grand, Esq.: Cause for pause? Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE: Yes.
Youngman Grand, Esq.: Dad, do you think words corrupt? Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE: I don't know, let's try. Agnes? Dame Agnes Grand: (looks up from the television) Yes? Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE: Nipple. Dame Agnes Grand: Shh! (turns back to the television) Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE: (watches her a moment) Well, there's no immediate physical change.
Traffic warden #27: What's your game, Mister? Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE: (riffling a wad of bills under the warden's nose, to persuade him to eat a parking ticket) Grand is the name, and, uh - money is the game. Would you care to play?
Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE: (as he and Youngman admire a painting) I like school of Rembrandt. Youngman Grand, Esq.: St. Rembrandt's High.
Sir John: (Oxford has just purposely rammed Cambridge, at the annual Boat Race) It would never have happened in my day! Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE: Nor mine! Youngman Grand, Esq.: Well, it's happenin' in mine!
Sir Herbert: (pleads with Laurence, the ship's doctor) If you could please just give me some tranquilizers... Laurence Faggot: Escape into drugs? Mask your fears in an artificial fog? Oh, surely you can't be serious. Sir Herbert: Oh, well... give me some decent English aspirin! Laurence Faggot: (pulls out a lit marijuana joint) Here, Sir Herb, try this. It's just what the doctor ordered. Sir Herbert: What is it? Laurence Faggot: It's cannabis, Sir Herb. (inhales, then, choked) It'll tighten your wig.
Hon. Esther Grand: (as all hell breaks loose, aboard the Magic Christian) Youngman, what IS going on? Youngman Grand, Esq.: (innocently) Ship's concert, I shouldn't wonder.
Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE: (on being told a Rembrandt might fetch £10,000 at auction) In that case my final offer is thirty. Mr Dougdale: (stunned) Thirty - thousand - pounds? Shit! I beg your pardon, I do beg your pardon.