The Longest Yard

(from trailer) Caretaker: Who we gonna *crush*? Football team: The *guards*! Caretaker: Who we gonna *kill*? Football team: The Guards! Caretaker: Who we gonna *kiss*? Brucie: The Guards! (football team looks confused) Caretaker: Gotchya!

(from trailer) (to the cops after they've crashed into his car) Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Good news, boys, I didn't spill my beer.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: (after being in a car crash) Good news, guys, I didn't spill my beer!

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: I'm going to tell you something. I did it. I was in debt to a bunch of really bad people. I hated doing it and I've regretted doing it ever since. Now the warden wants me to throw this game or he'll pin Caretaker's murder on me. But, I'll tell you something - I won't do it! Not this time. So, give me your hands, c'mon. Let's win this game and make it worth my spending twenty more years in this place. (team cheers and takes the field) Turley: I'm glad you're back. Now I don't have to stab you.

(after Crewe decides to come back to the game) Turley: I'm glad you're back, now I don't have to stab you.

Caretaker: Look in your toilet, I left you a surprise. Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You took a shit in my toilet? Caretaker: No, that's what I left in Brucey's toilet.

(last lines) Deacon Moss: (Deacon and Battle pour Gatorade on Warden Hazen) Good game, sir! Warden Hazen: That's a week in the hotbox! Joey Battle: Who gives a shit!

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Do you play football? Caretaker: I was so bad at sports that when I was in school they would usually pick me after the white kids.

Caretaker: (watching one of the players run for a touchdown) Run, Forrest, run!

Deacon Moss: This is baby-back bullshit!

(after inmates score touchdown on trick play) Guard Lambert: Is that legal? Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yes, it is. Guard Lambert: Is that a touchdown? Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yes, it is. Guard Lambert: Oh, goddamn it!

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: (after being pulled over by cops) Here, you can finish this beer for me... I've got five more!

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: (to the short cop) Now, listen here, Mr Frodo, don't get short with me.

Big Ears Cop: ... shit happens. Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Shit does happen. I mean, look what happened to your ears.

Cheeseburger Eddy: (to Megget) Why you bein' a McAsshole?

Big Tony: (reading sign) Foot... ball... tree... outs. What the hell's a tree-out? Brucie: It's try-out, you half a meatball.

Cheeseburger Eddy: You gotta protect your McNuggets!

Chris Berman: Whooooop!

Walt: What happened? Lena: He locked me in the closet and left me to die. Walt: (gasps) He's deranged!

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: (on TV after he crashes his girlfriend's car) Hey, Lena, I think we should start seeing other people! Walt: (watching on TV with Lena) I think I'm in love.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You play football? Caretaker: Me? No, I was so bad I was picked after the white kids. Guys would look at me and say, "Damn, we picked the only nigger can't play."

Brucie: (Brucie is about to kick off) Our Savior Jesus, help me do this right and I promise to stop cheating on my wife with black men.

Cheeseburger Eddy: I knew you couldn't resist my shit! I got the shakes that'll make you quake. I got the fries that'll cross your eyes. I got that burgers that'll... I just got burgers.

Punky: (after the convicts won the game) We win! Group hug in the shower tonight!... or not. Or not.

Caretaker: We didn't get the whole chocolate bar, but we did get a Hershey kiss.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: I will be your coach, your captain, your quarterback... Brucie: You haven't played in years! Why can't I be quarterback? Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You're right; let's see what you got. (throws ball to Brucie) Hit me; I'm open! Brucie: (throws wild pass) Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: That's why, now sit down and shut up.

Caretaker: That boy's got slave feet.

Ms Tucker: (to Brucie) You wish I'd kiss you 'cos your breath smells like eight cans of shark shit.

Caretaker: That boy got slave feet!

Caretaker: He could catch a cold in the desert.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: (drinking a toast with Caretaker) Here's to the first friend I've had in I-don't-know-how-long Switowski: I thought I was your friend, Paul. Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You are my friend, Switowski. Just finish your comic book and go to sleep. Switowski: OK.

Switowski: I thought I was your friend, Paul. Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You are my friend, Switowski, just, finish your coloring book and go to sleep. Switowski: OK.

Guard Dunham: Does the n-word offend you... nigger? Earl Megget: No, sir.

Switowski: I'm sorry... I brokeded your toy. Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Oh, no, it's a good thing! Switowski: Really? Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yeah, you should share a celebration hug with Caretaker. Caretaker: (lifts Caretaker in bear-hug and spins around laughing) Caretaker: (to Paul) Asshole!

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: I think Papajohn's their safety. Turley: (smiles, nods) I'll play!

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: (to Caretaker) Hey, let's have a maniacal pillow fight tonight! That should boost your rating! Skitchy Rivers: Yeah, and we can sell it to Pay-Per-View - Superstar vs. Half-a-Star.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: (to Turley) People have said that we look alike, so I just wanted to see for myself. (Turley roars very loudly) I'm gonna go take a piss.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: (to Caretaker after seeing his half-star violence rating) You're as maniacal as a box of kittens.

Guard Lambert: (after walking in the Inmate locker room) Everybody stand for the Warden! (Warden Hazen looks disgusted at how fat Big Tony is) Warden Hazen: Anthony, wow, you can sit down.

Switowski: He broke-ded my nose Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Let me try to fix that. (Crewe fixes his nose) Switowski: How do I look? Caretaker: Much better, like a young Michael Jackson. Switowski: I love little Michael.

Guard Engleheart: If you have to cry, it's okay. I'll cry with you.

Switowski: Will you teach me to football? Caretaker: I'll teach you football. I'll teach you anything. Just don't eat me.

Brucie: (after being hit hard) I got a bird, his name is Ronnie! Caretaker: Well, tell Ronnie you got knocked the fuck out!

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: (as he's calling a play) Battle, you're a psycho! Tony, you're a fat shit! Hut!

Punky: (after Nate Scarborough decides to enter the game) You can do it! Get that old ass of yours in the endzone! We gotta win this game!

Ms Tucker: Do the girls get to play? Caretaker: No, we're playing football, not balls-balls

Caretaker: Yo man, that's my flyer, man. I worked hard on that. You see he ran like a little bitch right? You saw that right. (Cheeseburger Eddy gets in his face) Yo, the team needs you. Team needs you. You should come to the tree-outs.

Earl Megget: Y'all got a running back? Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Not any good ones.

Cheeseburger Eddy: It ain't easy being cheesy!

Deacon Moss: The only game I'll play with you... is slap the point shaving white boy, til he cries like a baby back bitch. Cheeseburger Eddy: baby back bitch, baby back bitch, baby back bitch, baby back bitch. Caretaker: That's a big ass robot

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: (Crewe is being pulled over by the cops) Oh, man, here come the party poopers...

Guard Engleheart: (the guards are picking on Megget in the library) Bet you'd like to hit us, huh? Earl Megget: (smiling) Hit you, sir? Nah. Y'all my friends!

Joey Battle: Wow, no bullshit! Football, against the guards? Coach Nate Scarborough: Yep, full contact. Joey Battle: Captain Knauer is the quarterback? Caretaker: Yep. Joey Battle: So I get to tackle him? Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yeah, either that you can hit him over the head with that hammer. Joey Battle: I wanna hurt him, not kill him. Caretaker: Lets get outta here before that thing bites someone!

Caretaker: (introducing himself to Crewe) Whatever your pleasure, I can facilitate. You need weed, you need meth- hey, you need Prozac, I'm your man. I know how you white boys always deal with that depression. I mean me personally, I don't understand what you white boys are all depressed about. Hey, you're white! Smile!

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