The L Word
2004
Dr Wilson: All right, I'm going to take a look at this and while I'm gone, well, you remember how I told you that there's a fair amount of evidence now? It's more likely to take if you're aroused. (Bette looks a tiny bit put off at the suggestion. The doctor turns the light off and winks at Bette then leaves the room. Bette turns toward Tina) Bette: (laughs) She's not serious! Am I supposed to fuck you right here? Tina: I think it would help.
Bette: You ever notice that whenever Shane walks in the room, someone runs out crying?
Dana: When are you going to make up your mind between dick and pussy? And please spare us the gory bisexual details. Alice: Well, for your information, Dana, I am looking for the same qualities in a man as I am in a woman. Dana: (to Tina, gesturing) Big tits.
Marina: Well, between the four of us, we'll come up with someone. What, he has to be healthy, strong, creative, handsome... Tina: Artistic. (Shane enters the cafe) Dana: There's always Shane.
(as Jenny walks by The Planet for the first time, Dana ogles her. Everyone stares at Dana) Dana: What? Alice: You are just so gay. Tina: (rolling eyes) So gay. (Dana slumps a little, tossing up a hand) Dana: I know. I know.
Dana: (apologizing to Lara) Can I please try again? I really want to try again. Can I? Lara Perkins: One thing. Dana: (holding back tears) Anything. Lara Perkins: You have to start taking at least take some steps towards being out. Dana: I will. Lara Perkins: Because you're going to be miserable being in the closet. Dana: I know. Lara Perkins: And you are really, really gay. Dana: (almost laughing) I know. Lara Perkins: And it's one of the things I like so much about you. If you hide that, you're hiding the best part. (they kiss)
Alice: (Seeing Dana and Tonya dressed alike) "What is with the twin thing? Are they merging already?"
(Kit and female dancers are filming a music video in hoochie outfits) Bette: Shit. I feel like I did this. Tina: No, look she's having fun! Bette: She's being mounted!
(Marina is buying groceries where Jenny works) Marina: (to Jenny) Come on, I want to see you check me out.
(Shane leaves with a woman Dana wanted to ask out) Dana: I don't get it. I mean, what does Shane have that I don't have? Tina: It has to do with her attitude. Dana: I've got attitude! Marina: It's because she's so witholding. Tina: No. It's because she's so confident. Dana: No, it's because she's so STUPID and stupid people are too dumb to be insecure. Alice: (firmly) Dana. She's your friend. Tina: It's confidence okay? I'm telling you... it's because of her nipples. Dana: What do you mean it's because of her nipples? Tina: She has the best nipples in town and she knows it. Alice: Oh my God. You're so right. She has nipple confidence! Tina: Yeah, they're small and they're perfectly formed. Alice: I wonder if I could sell a story on L.A's best nipples.
Alice: This coffee tastes like poopie-shit! Where's Marina?
Shane: (Shane and Alice are at the Planet talking when they see annoying Tonya walk in) Oh shit. Alice: (Looking over and seeing Tonya) Oh no, I cannot take Cruella DeVille this morning. Do some - uh, pretend I'm upset. Shane: What? What? Alice: (Alice puts down her knitting and turns toward Shane and pokes her. Shane quickly sits up and puts her magazine down) Put your arm around me! (Shane does) Alice: Um... I'll just start sobbing, and... (she tries to sound like she's crying) Alice: (Shane continues to pretend to comfort her) ... obviously it'll be a really intimate moment. Alice: I mean... no halfway-sensitive person would ever dream of interrupting. (Shane shakes her head, still going along) Tonya: Guys! You guys! (Tonya sits at their table, completely unaware of their private moment. Alice and Shane make faces, then go back to what they were doing) Tonya: This place is falling apart! (gasps) Did you guys hear what happened to Marina?
Tonya: (completely shocked) Bette is still *schtuping* the carpenter?
Alice: Ariana Huffington is fifty. She's not really your type. She's kinda fancy Shane: I'm doing her hair, Al, I'm not gonna fuck her. Alice: Oh, okay. 'Cause the old Shane would. Shane: Huh. Shane: (Dana joins the table) Well in that case, if she's hot... Tonya: (to Dana) Honey, Shane is doing Ariana Huffington. Dana: You're doing Ariana Huffington? She's fifty, Shane! Shane: Her hair. Dana: Ah.
Kit Porter: Let me talk to Tina. Bette: What would you say? Kit Porter: That my sister is a pootie chasin' dog, who deserves to be tied down and whupped upside the head, but it doesn't change the fact that she loves you more than she loves her own life. And that you should finish punishing her and get back to figuring on how to live with one another for the next 50 years or more. Bette: You could give it a try. (Goes to take a bite of food, and stops, looking as if she's about to cry) Kit Porter: Now don't you go and pull a Marina on me now.
(after Tina rebuffs her attempt at reconciliation yet again) Bette: Tina!
Alice: (to Dana) Has anyone ever told you that you have a nice ass? (they start having rough sex with '80s pop music in background)
(after Tina tells her she wants to start seeing Bette again) Helena Peabody: (condescendingly) Oh, I'm sorry. Did you think we were exclusive?
(after Alice tells Gabby off exactly as Bette and Tina told her to) Gabby Deveaux: Emotional cripple? Where did you get that from? Dr Phil? Alice: Get out of my house. Gabby Deveaux: Whatev. Suit yourself. (starts to leave) Gabby Deveaux: But this is not a good move for someone like you. Everyone knows you're desperate. There's no way you're going to bounce back from this.
Alice: (talking about admitting that they are attracted to each other) Well, we just took the first step, we took the power out of it. Dana: (they slow down their stretching and begin to stare at each other. Dana kinda snaps out of it) I think we need to take the second step. (and jogs off) Alice: (nodding) Yeah, okay. Alice: (little bit later on) We need to counteract it. We just need to avoid all situations where we find each other most attractive. Dana: Mm-hmm. Alice: We need, like... rules of un-attraction. Dana: Okay, like never be alone together, in places like the bathroom at The Planet. Alice: Right! Never be alone together. Dana: Especially never be alone together... in places where's there's like a bed or a couch. Alice: Right, or - or - a table. Alice: Or a floor... (Dana smiles) Alice: Or the backseat of a car. Dana: (smiling) Ooh, that'd be good. (catching herself) That *wouldn't* be good! Alice: Okay, you need to stop showing up at The Planet after you've worked out, when you're all sweaty and your veins are all popping all over the place. Dana: You like that? Dana: (Alice raises her eyebrows and looks at Dana like duh!) Tonya hates that. Alright, well then you can't wear those shirts any more. Alice: What shirts? Dana: You know, the ones where... (grinning) they cling to you in some places and fall off you in others? Dana: (Alice has a huge grin on her face. Dana kind of rolls her eyes) Fuck you. Alice: Okay, that's *totally* against the rules.
Dana: (after seeing an exchange between Jenny and Marina) I thought Jenny was straight. Alice: Dana, most girls are straight until they're not. And then... sometimes they're gay 'til they're not. Shane: True, but there are also the ones that never look back. Right? And you can spot them coming a mile away. Dana: How can you tell? Alice: You read the signals. Dana: That's my problem. Shane: Dana, it's not a problem. Allright. Shane: (In response to Dana rolling her eyes) No. Sexuality is fluid, whether you're gay or you're straight or you're bisexual, you just go with the flow. Dana: No, no, no. That, is my problem, okay. I can't feel the flow. That... thing, whatever it is, I don't got it. Alice: (after the realization of what Dana is saying hits her) You don't have gaydar. Dana: No. Alice: You're so right, you don't have it!
Shane: (repeatedly at the poker game) Liquor in the front. Poker in the rear.
Alice: (to Shane after finding out that her mom, Lenore, kissed Shane) Hey, sorry you got Lenored!
Alice: (she and Shane are trying to teach Dana gaydar, and she's pointing out a woman facing away from them at the counter) What is she? Dana: (hesitates) A customer? (exasperated after seeing Shane shake her head) I don't know! Shane: Dana, look at her fingernails, are they long or short? Alice: Are they polished or natural? Dana: (turns to look) They're long and polished. (looks at Alice) Sooo, she's... (looks to Alice to see if she will fill in the blank) Shane: Leaning to straight, but we still need more info. Alice: (in response to Dana's frustrated sigh) Look at the shoes. Dana: (looking) High-heeled sandals. Alice: With tapered jeans. Alice: (in response to Dana's very flummoxed expression) Would *you* wear high-heeled sandals with tapered jeans? Dana: (looking back and forth between Shane and Alice, looking very confused) Yes? Alice: (firmly) No.
Bette: (trying to ascertain Lara's orientation based on the limited data that Dana's provided) Dana, honey, we can't, you know, possibly make any kind of accurate analysis when you haven't even had a conversation with her. I mean, we need something to go on. Dana: Well, she sends me food. Bette: Mmmhmmm. Dana: She... she sends me vegetables on skewers, with, um, with like these perfect little grill marks on them? And, um, sometimes she sends me these dipping sauces with like no fat or anything else heavy in them, not to mess up my training, you know. Tina: These skewered vegetables? Did she come up with them all on her own, or did you order them? Dana: No, she just sends them. Bette: But she hasn't spoken to you. Dana: No. Shane: (seriously) Ask her out. Bette: No, no, no, Dana cannot do that. And that's totally understandable. You don't want to put yourself out there for someone who maybe is just being nice to you, because, you know, you're an important person at the club. Dana: Exactly. Alice: (rolling her eyes) Please don't encourage her. Bette: It's okay, Dana. We are gonna take care of this. Alice: (gasping) You mean? Bette: I mean. Dana: (laughing but obviously clueless) What? Bette: (smiling) We are going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Miss Lara Perkins.
Shane: (to Bette who has answered the door in her bathrobe) Hi, were you sleeping? Bette: Not exactly. Alice: Yeah, we tried to call but no one answered. Bette: So the logical conclusion was just to come over? Alice: No, uh, it's an emergency, y'know, started as a gaydar thing, Shane and I are totally capable of handling that, but this one has major relationship stuff. Bette: Uh-Hunh. Shane: Yeah, I think at this point she needs expert advice. Dana: (Looking very sheepish and pitiful) I'm so embarrassed. I'm sorry. Bette: (smiling) It's okay Dana. We were finished. Dana: (realizing what Bette means) Oh my God...
Shane: (having figured out that they are in Tina and Bette's bedroom right after Tina's been inseminated) Wait. So, we could be here at the moment of conception. Bette: (smiling) You could. Yes. Shane: Well then, I'm really sorry. Would you like us to leave? Bette: (smiling) That would be too late.
Alice: (Bette, Tina, Shane, and Alice have just visited Dana's country club to see if they can figure out if Lara is gay) Allright. So far, it's neck-and-neck. Bette: Well, she's got some good lezzie points for her walk, and the way she (gestures with hand) moves that chopping knife. Shane: Yeah, but she's way femmy on the coiffure tip. Alice: Yeah, and her reaction to the two of you kissing was split because she didn't freak out which was a good sign, but she hardly paid any attention. Tina: Yeah, but you guys, she's got 9 in the lez column and she only has 7 in the straight. Alice: Yeah, but the margin of error is plus or minus 5 percentage points. Bette: You know what we have to do. (They all look at Shane who looks back warily)
Dana: (Having walked into the country club kitchen looking for Lara, finds her) Hey... Lara Perkins: (looking up, seeing Dana gets a huge smile on her face) Hey! (Continues to look at Dana, and cuts her thumb) Ow! Dana: (freaking out) Oh, my god! Oh! oh, my god, I'm sorry, I... Lara Perkins: It's okay... Dana: (still Freaking out) Ah, Jesus, you're disfigured! Lara Perkins: (smiling and calm) I'm not disfigured. Dana: (panicked) But I could've killed you! When you were (makes chopping motion) ... you know... Lara Perkins: (still smiling) It happens all the time. Dana: Well, should we call a doctor? Lara Perkins: (giggling) Dana! (holds off hand, counting off fingers) Second-degree burn from the bechamel sauce. Run-away shish-kabob. An attack from a particularly hostile live lobster, and, um, electric can-opener. Dana: (blushing) Is there anything I can do? Lara Perkins: (holding up thumb) You could kiss it and make it better. Dana: (blushing then looking serious) Um. I was wondering if maybe sometime... Lara Perkins: I would love to. Dana: Really? (Laura smiles and nods) Okay! Is Thursday night okay? Lara Perkins: Thursday night is great. Dana: Where do you wanna go? Lara Perkins: Anywhere you're going. Dana: Yeah, but you're a food person. So, I want to take you someplace really good. Like L'Orangerie. Lara Perkins: No, no, no, that's way too expensive. Dana: I know. I'll take care of it. Lara Perkins: We're not starting out that way. Um... there's - there's this little place in Koreatown that I've been dying to check out. Dana: Do I need to make a reservation? Lara Perkins: How about if I take care of that part, and you just pick me up at 8? Dana: Okay.
Bette: (to Alice about her thing with Gabby who treats her like crap) It has to end. Tina: But seriously, Alice, you can't let Gabby continue to treat you this way. Alice: You guys don't know her. I know it looks like she's treating me like shit, but... it's... she's just, y'know... Tina: Treating you like shit, Al. Alice: Maybe, it's just... Bette: No. It's just you deserve better. Alice: I do? (to which everyone makes a face) Allright, I do. But... I just feel like at times, she's, like, so right there, and I feel like we connect and then, all of a sudden, she acts like I don't even exist. Tina: That's because she's an emotional cripple. Bette: Yeah. Emotional cripple slash narcissistic personality disorder. Tina: And the next time she calls you? You have to end it. Alice: I know. It's just... Bette: (firmly) It's just nothing. Tina: What are you gonna do? Alice: Well, I was gonna ask her... Bette: No asking. Tina: What are you gonna tell her? (Alice just laughs) You're gonna say, "Gabby, I really enjoy the time we've spent together, but it is obvious to me that we are in different places in our lives and we want different things out of a relationship, and I respect myself too much to let you continue to treat me this way." Bette: (continuing from Tina) "It's clear to me now that you are an emotional cripple without any kind of capacity to understand true love." Tina: (picking up from Bette) "And I'm no longer willing to waste my valuable time on you." Bette: "So step off, bitch!" (Dana and Alice crack up, Bette gets up to answer her phone) Tina: Do it.
(Jenny is writing. Scenes from the party are intercut with a hallucination of her English professor as Abraxas) Jenny: I'm sitting in the chair, writhing in agony. A demon, a minor demon, is pinning me there, fucking with my head. 'Abraxas', he says, 'I'm Abraxas, the demon of lies and deceit'. Abraxas: So, what do you want to know about lies, my dear? Jenny: I'm not a liar, I try again to get up. This time I'm flayed, splayed. I feel myself screaming. Abraxas: I'll tell you about lies. There are white lies and black lies, and many shades of grey lies. Some lies are justified. Lies told out of kindness, lies that preserve dignity, lies that spare pain. (Scenes of people at the party telling lies) Abraxas: Everybody's a liar, dear.
(re Marina and Jenny's uncanny immediate connection) Alice: Huh. Whatever. I'm just... gonna leave you two alone to get married!
Shane: It has nothing to do with you guys. You know, it's the... it's the new male. Dana: What? What do you know about men, I mean, you've never even been with a man. Shane: Well, the new male is more spiritual than the old male. He sees his sperm as an extension of his inner being, whereas the old male shot into any female without thinking about what would happen. The new male totally cares what becomes of his seed. Alice: Oh, my god, it's Yoda. Dana: Yeah, they teach that at hairdresser school, by the way. Bette: Well that's great. Why do they have to go all sensitive on us just when we need them to keep on being the same old assholes.
Instructor: Now everyone. Drop your heads. Close your eyes and set your intentions. Why are you here? To gossip with your friends? Or to change your body? What do you want to get out of the next forty minutes? (the students start peddling harder) Dana: (to Tina, re: Instructor) A good look at your spectacular tits would be nice.
Alice: Ooh, ooh, ooh. Now she's cute. And I haven't seen her before, is it possible? Shane: Fresh meat. Alice: New blood. Dana: Cris-pay! (Alice shakes her head at Dana) Alice: Uh-uh.
Lady on Intercom: Reviva. Who is it? Alice: Uhh... yeah, uh... Alice Peters, I have an appointment. Lady on Intercom: I don't understand. What do you want? Alice: (enunciating) I have an appointment. Lady on Intercom: For what? What do you want? Alice: All right, I need to get my vagina rejuvenated! (Alice looks around quickly to see if anyone heard) Lady on Intercom: Well, why didn't you just say so?
Shane: No. Sexuality is fluid, whether you're gay or you're straight or you're bisexual, you just go with the flow.
Alice: Some of us have it worst, Dana, you know. Some of us are dating lesbian men.
(Jenny and Annette are in the bathroom at Tim's house having a light convorsation about Jenny's affair. Jenny is on the floor sipping a cup of water, while Annette gets ready in the mirror) Strange, Sarah@Annette : So Jen... were you always a lesbian? Jenny: (Takes a sip of water) I never said I was a lesbian. Annette: So it just came outta no where and bit you on the ass like that? Cause I mean... I love women... yeah I mean, for the companionship. I figure I could do without the company of men entirely except dude (turns to Jenny) I can't get down with the puss... I love a dick. Jenny: I think I'm bisexual. Annette: Oh brother... Jenny: (Interrupting) I do... I really do. Annette: Jenny, is this just your way of telling me that you had a crush on me in college? Jenny: Annette... (gets serious) ... no. Annette: (smiling) You're lying... You were madly in love with me. (Turns back to the mirror) Well I gotta get a look at this Marina, to see if she's worth it... Jenny: (smiling) no... Annette: yeah Jenny: Oh no... Annette: Yeah... no we gotta stalk her, no we gotta stalker her jenny just a little bit so I can see. Jenny: no, no, no... no stalking Annette: Why? Jenny: Because... um... her girlfriend's back in town. Annette: Her Girlfriend! Jenny: I know... Annette: Man, does this story get any better?
Bette: (voiceover at her and Tina's support group) What's happening to me?... Am I just panicking?... Is this about the baby?... Or am I falling out of love?
Dana: Slander against cats. Write that down.
(to Alice about using a strap-on) Dana: Is it a bisexual thing? You tryin' to have your cake and eat your pussy too?
Shane: That's the cycle of life. We start out eating baby food and wearing a diaper and we go out that way.
Bette: (entering the bathroom) Baby, are you okay? Tina: (smiles) I think my water just broke. Oh my God. Bette: (calls the hospital) Hi Davina, it's Bette Porter, I am in the bathroom of the Wiltern theater with Tina and a huge puddle of water.
(Tina hasn't told Bette about the baby) Alice: I mean, she's GOTTA know. Is she fuckin' blind?
Bette: (holding a specimen cup of sperm) God, it's repugnant, I can't believe I used to swallow that stuff.
Dana: You know, Al, just 'cause you're riding the big fat weenie doesn't mean there's something wrong with the way the rest of us do it, okay?
(regarding Dana's dead cat, Mr.Piddles) Tina: He looks a little strange. Alice: Yeah. I think he... hasn't really thawed out, yet. We were afraid he was gonna decompose, so Shane and I put him in the freezer.
Tina: (regarding the baby's last name) I think we should do some sort of combo thing. You know? Instead of the whole hyphenated thing? Bette: What, like, "Portard"? Tina: Bette... "Hey poor tard! How's your two moms you big gay-mo?"
Peggy Peabody: I hope you girls write fabulous, sick, neurotic, tortured love poems to one another. Bette: (smiling) I'm actually working on several right now. Peggy Peabody: Send me one, would you, Bette?
Bette: (Bette and Tina are talking on the phone) And you know who's responsible for this? Your buddy Helena Peabody. The woman is a fucking dragon and she's making my life a living hell. (Tina doesn't respond. Instead, she looks around impatiently, no longer looking interested in the call) Oh, please tell me you're not sleeping with her, Tina. Tina: (frustrated) Bette. Bette: Are you sleeping with her? Are you fucking sleeping with her? Tina: It's none of your fucking business. Bette: Don't do it, Tina, that woman will eat you alive. She is a vampire. Tina: Yeah, and a dragon. Bette: That's right. She is a monster. However you wanna categorize it, she likes to fuck with people for sport and...
(Bette enters The Planet and sees Dana) Bette: Is that Dana Fairbanks? Hanging out at The Planet in West Hollywood? Alice: Shh! She doesn't want her tennis fans to know she's a *gay lady*. (Dana gives Alice a hostile look)
Alice: (Tina is urinating on a strip for her pregnancy test) How do you not pee on your hand? Tina: You just aim below the clit. Alice: Oh, really? Tina: Yeah, where did you think pee came out of? Alice: I dunno, there's a lot going on down there.
Peggy Peabody: I was a lesbian back in 1974. Bette: That's what we commonly refer to as a "hasbian".
(on admitting that he is gay) Burr Connor: I am a card carrying member of the Cock-Sucker's Club.