The King of Queens
1998
Doug Heffernan: Friends just keep you away from TV.
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Hasn't anyone said you look like someone? Doug Heffernan: Oh, you mean like every famous fat guy in every movie ever?
Spence Olchin: Oh my God! My TiVo thinks I'm gay!
Arthur Spooner: Why do we have to sit so close to the kitchen? Is it because we're black?
(Doug and Deacon are locked in a refrigerated truck with penguins) Doug Heffernan: "Warning: Please retain key as refrigerated trucks are not equipped with interior door handles". Mother of ass!
Arthur Spooner: Permission to buy a parrot and name him Douglass. Arthur Spooner: Permission to buy another parrot and name him Douglass II.
Deacon Palmer: Douglas S. Heffernan... whats your second name? Doug Heffernan: Steven. And yours? Deacon Palmer: George.
Doug Heffernan: Son of a mother!
(repeated line) Doug Heffernan: Shutie!
Doug Heffernan: My name might as well be Fatty McButterpants.
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: What movie do you want to see? Kelly Palmer: Something brainless. What's that thriller where the Earth starts to lose its gravitational pull? Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Oh, yeah... "Floaters".
Arthur Spooner: Darling, I need to borrow the iron. Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Dad, I told you. If you want a grilled cheese sandwich, I will make you one.
Arthur Spooner: Why can't you be more like Rain Man?
Doug Heffernan: Try and keep it together here, and know that I'm not mad at you - I'm mad at the situation. We're out of Cocoa Puffs.
Doug Heffernan: All right, I'm glad you're all gathered here. Because you're about to hear the story of a driver, a swollen ankle, and get this, an iguana.
Doug Heffernan: Hey! Guy hits on my woman, I'm gonna throw down. Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Really. How come you didn't do anything to that banker who asked me out to dinner last week? Doug Heffernan: Cause. He was almost my height.
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Okay, Doug, you know what? This year I don't want a Christmas present. All I want is for you to stop acting like a big baby and grow up. Doug Heffernan: Nooooo. I gave that to you last year.
Arthur Spooner: You know, we're quite a team. Like Jake and the Fatman. Needless to say, I'm Jake.
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Dad, Doug and I were just thinking... Arthur Spooner: (to Doug) Well, I hope you didn't strain yourself. I kid out of love.
Doug Heffernan: Do you think I'm a big sack of crap? Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Have you been reading my diary?
Arthur Spooner: Ah, Paris. I haven't been back there since we liberated her in '44. The City Of Lights knew peace once more. I also got the clap, but that's a another story for another time.
Doug Heffernan: I just found out that Deacon is a Big Brother. Carrie Spooner Heffernan: You just figured that out now? Doug Heffernan: No, I don't mean he's a big brotha', I mean he's a Big Brother.
Arthur Spooner: It seems to have reached optimal temperature. Now hit me with a load of Dougie batter. Doug Heffernan: Let's see how the waffles go and see what happens.
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Is this how you take a bath? Spence Olchin: Yes. Carrie Spooner Heffernan: You look like Ernie from Sesame Street. Spence Olchin: What did I do to you?
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Did you lift your shirt and *make* them touch your belly hair?
(Doug and Carrie are arguing about their parents) Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Don't you bring my father into this! Doug Heffernan: He's out of his mind! He cancelled our cable, because the cable company wouldn't pay him each time they ran the movie "Arthur"!
Doug Heffernan: No longer being Mastercard's bitch? Priceless!
Doug Heffernan: I'm going to come up with something so romantic and heartfelt it's gonna make you feel like a piece of crap! A piece of crap!
Doug Heffernan: Mahi mahi is for me-hi me-hi.
Arthur Spooner: What do we have here? Carrie Spooner Heffernan: We're going to Saint Croix. Arthur Spooner: We are? Oh, goody. I'm so happy. Doug Heffernan: Well, I hope you're happy for us, because it's just Carrie and me. Arthur Spooner: I see. Once again I humiliate myself by assuming that I'm a member of this family.
(Arthur gave Lou Ferrigno a copy of his screenplay) Lou Ferrigno: Well, Arthur, I read "Considering Sandy," and I must tell you, I'm a little confused. Arthur Spooner: How so? Lou Ferrigno: For starters, you have at least three characters named Mike. Arthur Spooner: Let me ask you something, Lou. Have you ever met anyone else named Lou? Lou Ferrigno: Well, yeah. Arthur Spooner: Slice of life, my friend. I just writes it like I sees it. So, you think the folks at Howard-Morris would be interested? Lou Ferrigno: I don't think so. Arthur Spooner: I understand you. You may not be right for the lead role of Smithy, but I have just the role for you: Henchman #2. Lou Ferrigno: That's another thing. There's no Henchman #1.