The Joe Schmo Show
2003
Matt: WHAT is going on?
Ralph, the Smarmy Host: Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust. Gina, you're dead to us. Please leave.
Ralph, the Smarmy Host: Ashes to ashes dust dust (person's name) your dead to us.
Matt: Are you an actor? Brian Keith Etheridge: Yes.
(somebody is about to be evicted) Ralph, the Smarmy Host: One of you is about to say goodbye to high society, and return to your sad existence of working for the man.
(the opening monologue at the start of an episode) Ralph, the Smarmy Host: What would you do if your entire world turned out to be fake? If an army of writers, producers, and actors spent over a year creating TV's most elaborate experiment around YOU? If they plotted your every move, recorded it 24 hours a day, and put it on National Television. Well, that's exactly what happened to THIS guy... Meet Matt Kennedy Gould; One real guy competing for $100,000 on a reality show that HE doesn't know... is FAKE. Starring nine actors: Melissa Yvonne Lewis as Ashleigh... the Rich Bitch; David Hornsby as Hutch... the Asshole; Angela Dodson as Molly... the Virgin; Franklin Jones as Earl... the Veteran; Nikki Davis as Gina... the Schemer; Lance Krall as Kip... the Gay Guy; Brian Keith Etheridge as Brian... the Buddy; Kristen Wiig as Dr Pat... the Quack; and me... Ralph Garman as... the Smarmy Host. All performing for the one guy who thinks it's real. Matt: This place is f***ing, starting to drive me crazy. Ralph, the Smarmy Host: This is "The Joe Schmo Show."
Matt: (about Hutch using hot oil on Earl's gross feet during the "Battle of the Sexes" Game) To add insult to injury, he pulls out the oil. Like, (slightly gags) dude, to really, (coughs) Jesus, to really get the juices flowing, that's what you need: hot oil on jungle rot, okay.