The Great Muppet Caper

1981

(Kermit is sitting on a bench - a man and his daughter walk by) Girl: Look, father. A bear. Father: No, dear. That's a frog. Bears wear hats.

Miss Piggy: You. It was you. Kermit was right. You're a phony. You're a PHONY. Yes, and you know what, you can't even sing. You were dubbed.

Miss Piggy: (Lady Holiday has just given Miss Piggy the entire backstory for the movie) Why are you telling me all this? Lady Holiday: It's plot exposition. It has to go somewhere.

Statler: I guess all's well that ends well. Waldorf: I don't care, as long as it ends.

Truck Driver: What are you doing here? Oscar the Grouch: A very brief cameo. Truck Driver: Me too.

Kermit: We're going to catch those crooks red-handed. Beauregard: What color are their hands now?

Dr Bunsen Honeydew: I suggest we jump. Fozzie: Are you crazy? It must be 100 feet. Dr Bunsen Honeydew: I didn't say it was a good suggestion.

Kermit: How come you don't have an English accent? Beauregard: Hey I'm lucky to have a driver's license.

Pops: Hey, how're you guys fixin' to pay? Kermit: What are our choices? Pops: A: Credit card; B: Cash; C: Sneak out in the middle of the night. Fozzie: We'll take C. Pops: Very popular choice.

Fozzie: (about run-down hotel) If that's the Happiness Hotel, I'd hate to see what the sad one looks like.

Gonzo: Stop the presses! News Editor: What happened? Gonzo: I don't know. I just always wanted to say that.

Fozzie: (reading crew member's name) Kermit, what does b.s.c stand for? Kermit: I don't know.

Kermit: I don't wanna be rude but we're trying to do a movie here.

Statler: Hey, Waldorf, wake up. Here come the bikinis. Waldorf: We'd better synchronize our pacemakers.

Miss Piggy: What am I? A glutton for punishment?

Kermit: We were wondering if you could recommend a nice hotel. Actually, a cheap hotel. British Gentleman: How cheap? Fozzie: Free. British Gentleman: That narrows the field a bit. (reading from his guide) British Gentleman: "Places where you can park your carcasses." Bus terminals, the river banks, the Happiness Hotel... Kermit: The Happiness Hotel? That sounds great. Gonzo: What's wrong with bus terminals?

Fozzie: Please let Kermit go. If you hold him too long, you know you'll just get warts.

Gonzo: Is that the Eiffel Tower? Fozzie: Yes. Kermit: No. Fozzie: No.

Miss Piggy: (about Dr Teeth and the Electric Mayhem's playing) They don't have to play this loud. Kermit: That's okay, they don't mind.

Fozzie: I guess this would be a bad time to ask for a raise?

Nicky Holiday: Miss Piggy you're a very different looking woman. I'm so tired of the same type. Those tall thin creatures with the long legs, the... the aquiline noses, the teeth like pearls, soft skin... Miss Piggy: Yeah, well I can see where that might make you sick to your stomach.

(Kermit, Fozzie and Gonzo are in cages on an airline flight) Fozzie: Kermit, I'm hungry. When do we get to eat? Kermit: Sorry Fozzie, they don't serve food in 9th class.

Air Steward: All out for England. Kermit: Great the plane is landing. Air Steward: (opens cargo door in mid-flight) No, the plane lands in Italy. You land in England.

Air Steward: All out for the USA. Kermit: Great. How close are we? Air Steward: About 30,000 feet. Kermit: You mean... Air Steward: (opens cargo door in mid-flight again) Yep, happy landings.

Sam the Eagle: You are all - WEIRDOS.

(In a hot-air balloon) Gonzo: I'd like to try this without a balloon. Kermit: Try what? Plummeting? Gonzo: Yeah. Kermit: I suppose you could try it once.

Prison Guard: Miss Piggy. Miss Piggy: What? Prison Guard: Your lawyer is here. Miss Piggy: Lawyer? I don't have a lawyer. Prison Guard: Sure you do. Little green guy. Miss Piggy: (short intake of breath) Kermie. Oh. No wonder he hasn't come by to see me. He had to finish law school.

Kermit: What's wrong with the drummer? He looks a little crazed. Zoot: Oh, he's just upset about missing the Monet exhibit at the National Gallery. Animal: (shouts) Renoir! Renoir!

(Pops is driving the bus with Electric Mayhem in back) Pops: (to Kermit and friends who want to get on the bus) You'll have to sit in the front seat, the back's been quarantined.

Beauregard: What's your room number? Kermit: What? Fozzie: I don't know, but we're on the second floor. Beauregard: Oh, I'm sorry. I can only take you as far as the lobby.

British Gentleman: Perhaps the forecast was right! They said it would be raining cats and dogs. Kermit: Actually, we're bears and frogs. Gonzo: And Gonzos.

Lady Holiday: I feel like thieves are breathing down my neck. Nicky Holiday: (breathing down her neck) Thieves aren't breathing down your neck.

Kermit: (everyone is talking about the up-coming robbery. Kermit tries to get their attention) Quiet! Janice: (everyone stops talking, except Janice) And I'm like, "Look, mother, it's my life. So if I wanna live on the beach and walk around naked... " (she notices she's the only one talking and stops)

Delivery Man: Mr Holiday, did you order a gross of flowered sox?

Lady Holiday: (to Nicky) You left your wallet in college.

Lady Holiday: (to one of her models) That fits the pits. Loose where it should be tight and tight where it should be loose. Like the folds of a turkey's neck.

Miss Piggy: I love you too... Rosenthal.

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