The Goodbye Girl

1977

(Quoting newspaper reviews of his off-Broadway premiere) Elliot Garfield: I was "an Elizabethan fruit fly." I was "the Betty Boop of Stratford-on-Avon." I was "putrid." Capital P, capital U, capital TRID.

Elliot Garfield: You know I love listening to you talk. I hate living with you but your conversation is first rate.

Elliot Garfield: (talking on phone) I just called the 37th precinct. There is no Charles Dagastino in Homicide. Then I called Rita Scott, an old actress friend of mine who was in "The Merchant of Venice" this year with the ever-popular Tony DeForest. Rita told me all about this girl Tony's living with. A certain Paula McFadden, a former dancer and a ten-year-old daughter Lucy. She also told me that the apartment in question is leased in the name of Tony DeForest. She knows this for a fact because she used to live with Tony, the smoothie, prior to Paula and Lucy. Now can we continue this conversation in a drier room, Ms McFadden? Paula McFadden: You got problems? Take it up with the housing authority. Elliot Garfield: Don't hang up. Please, don't hang up. I don't have any more change, I'm soaked to the bone, and I have a very low threshold for disease. Look, I don't know what Tony told you, but he's got my money, I got a lease, and you've got the apartment. One of us got screwed. Let me rephrase that. We have to talk this out, and I am in no condition, financial or health-wise, to look for a hotel in the pouring rain. If there's any such thing as the 78th-street flu, I think I've got it. Paula McFadden: Why don't you take a shot at a convenient place? Elliot Garfield: Five minutes. That's all I'm asking. What is it? In about 30 seconds, we're going to get cut off. My number is 873-5261, it's a flooded booth on Amsterdam Avenue. If you have any compassion in your heart whatsoever... I'm trying to work it out, operator. Any compassion in your heart whatsoever, you'll call me at 873-5261. That number again is 873-52... oh, shit.

Elliot Garfield: I play the guitar whenever I cannot sleep, and I meditate every morning, complete with chanting and burning incense, so if you have to walk around I'd appreciate a little tiptoeing. Also: I sleep in the nude. "Au buffo." Winter and summer, rain or snow, with the windows open. And because I may have to go to the potty or to the fridge in the middle of the night, and because I do not want to put on jammies which I do not own in the first place, unless you're looking for a quick thrill or your daughter an advanced education I'd keep my door closed.

Paula McFadden: I thought you said you were decent. Elliot Garfield: I am decent. I also happen to be naked.

Elliot Garfield: Miss McFadden, today I begin rehearsals for my first New York play. It will be the most important day of my life. Am I nervous? No, I am not nervous. For I have meditated. I am relaxed. I am calm. I am confident. You, on the other hand, have not meditated, and therefore you are a pain in the ass.

Elliot Garfield: What is it about you that makes a man with a hundred forty-seven I.Q. feel like a dribbling idiot?

Elliot Garfield: If you were a Broadway musical, people would be humming your face.

Paula McFadden: You were never four-and-a-half, you were born 26.

Elliot Garfield: Despite the fact that you're one large pain in the arse last night was the best thing that ever happened to me, girl wise, and if you weren't behaving like such a horses rectum you would know that we could be inside touching and fondling all day long until I've got to go to rehearsal. Personally madam, I think you blew it.

(during rehearsal of Richard III) Elliot Garfield: My careereth is over. I am making a horseth asseth of myselfeth. Mark, I'm begging you. I'm BEGGING you. You want this kind of performance? Let me play Lady Anne.

Paula McFadden: What happened to your eye? Elliot Garfield: I used it to stop a fist from going through my face.

Paula McFadden: Out. Elliot Garfield: Out Paula McFadden: Her Out. They have motels for this sort of thing.

Lucy McFadden: Congratulations Elliot Garfield: For What? Lucy McFadden: I didn't know what else to say.

Paula McFadden: Get that rising young actress the hell out of here.

Elliot Garfield: Out of where? Out of my rented apartment that Im letting you stay in out of the goodness of my heart? I will bring home anyone or anything I chose including a one-eyed Episcopalian Kangaroo if that happens to be kinky inclination. As for what is going in there, we are rehearsing a scene from Act 1 Richard lll. I happen to have a cretin from Mars directing this and I need all the help I can get. However, If I do attempt to have carnal knowledge of that gorgeous bod that'll her option, my problem, and none of your business. Just for the record what do think little Lucy's impression of what was going in mama's bedroom with Tony "Love Em" and "Leave Em" Deforest, huh? Hey Mac why don't turn off some these were running up a heck of bill. (He enters his bedroom)

Elliott Garfield: I happen to have a lease in my pocket. Are you gonna honor it or what? Paula McFadden: I have a daughter in my bedroom. That tops the lease in your pocket.

Elliott Garfield: (reading a review of his performance as Richard III) "Last night, we discovered that William Shakespeare had written 'The Wizard of Oz'."

Elliott Garfield: (pulling one pair of panties off the shower curtain rod with each phrase) And I don't - like -the panties - hanging - on - the rod.

Lucy McFadden: (watching Elliot's performance as a gay Richard III) Looks like the guy at the beauty parlor.

Elliot Garfield: ... I'd just like to say that last night was terrific, ok? It was the Grey Cup of romance. I give it a fat nine on a ten scale. You loose one point for burping your wine, but all-in-all it was a respectable score.

Lucy McFadden: How long is he going to stay? Paula McFadden: As long as he lets us.

(after being offered Paula's room for $50 a month more) Elliot: A rent increase for getting what I should have gotten and didn't get in the first place? No thank you.

Elliot: Everyone's not after your magnificent bod. First of all, it's not so magnificent. I mean, it's fair, but it's not keeping me up nights, you know? I don't even think you're very pretty. Maybe if you smiled once in a while you'd be okay, but I don't want you to do anything against your religion.

(When Lucy is sick) Lucy: How's the play going? Elliot: Shh. One sick person at a time.

Elliot: I am a dedicated actor, Paula, you know? I am dedicated to my art and my craft, I value what I do. And because of a mentally arthritic director, I am about to play the second greatest role in the history of the English-speaking theater like a fresh double-order of California fruit salad.

Paula McFadden: Possession is nine-tenths of the law. Lucy McFadden: What's the last tenth? Paula McFadden: Shut up.

(after finding out the play has closed) Elliot: That's O.K., Now I'm free to take that other job. Lucy: What other job? Elliot: I'm looking, I'm looking !

Lucy McFadden: (hears Elliott chanting) What's that? Paula McFadden: Sounds like God. Lucy McFadden: I smell strawberries burning. Paula McFadden: That's incense. Lucy McFadden: What's incense? Paula McFadden: It is what I'm feeling right now.

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