The First Wives Club
1996
(about her ex-husband's date) Brenda: What's the matter, Morty? Can't you buy her a whole dress?
Brenda: My Morty becomes this big shot on T.V... He was selling electronics, right? On our 20th wedding anniversary it hits midlife crisis major. He starts working out, he, he grows a moustache, he gets an earring. I said, "Morty, Morty, what are you? A pirate? what's next? A parrot?" And all of a sudden I'm a big drag. I'm holding him back because I won't go rollerblading.
Brenda: There she is. Princess Pelvis!
Elise: No, Sean Connery is Monique's boyfriend! He may be three hundred years old, but he's still a stud!
Uncle Carmine: Brenda, I speak, on behalf of my dearly departed brother, your father, that Morty is garbage, and that it would be an honor to take him out.
(finding empty liquor bottles in trash) Brenda: Let's examine the evidence. Look! all bottles and gallon jugs! Elise: I had guests! Brenda: Who? Guns N Roses?
Elise: I drink because I am a sensitive and highly strung person. Brenda: No, that's why your co-stars drink.
Annie: I'm very sorry I ever met you. And I'm sorry that I allowed myself to love you for all those years. I'm sorry that I did nothing but be there for you every minute of every hour and support you in your every *move*. I'm sorry!
Chris Paradis: Dad, I'm a lesbian. A big one.
Elise: You think that because I'm a movie star I don't have feelings. Well you're wrong. I do have feelings. I'm an actress. I've got all of them!
Ivana Trump: Ladies, you have to be strong and independent, and remember, don't get mad, get everything.
Elise: If only she'd called me. If only I was listed.
Dr Morris Packman: Elise, if I give you any more collagen, your lips are gonna look like they stuck stuck in a pool drain.
Bill: You vindictive sack of silicone!
Brenda: My, my, the bulimia has certainly paid off.
Catherine: You are married. You have a daughter. You don't need self-esteem.
Elise: It's the 90s, plastic surgery is like good grooming.
Dr Morris Packman: If I give you one more face lift you're going to be able to blink your lips!
(Upon seeing a slinky dress) Brenda: Now, I ask you, Duarto, who's supposed to wear that? Some anorexic teenager? Some fetus? It's a conspiracy, I know it is! I've had enough. I'm leading a protest. I'm not buying another article of clothing until these designers come to their senses!
Shelly: Brenda, why don't you try on one of these in *your size*?
Brenda: What's wrong? Jilted Lover: It's my lover. She left me for this younger woman that weighs twelve pounds. Brenda: That's just like my Morty. Jilted Lover: Who? Brenda: Morty. (Shows Woman her picture) Jilted Lover: She's butch.
Shelly: Gunilla Garson Goldberg, personally inviting me to one of her super-social luncheons! Morty: Why?
(Gunilla sees Shelly and Morty re-entering the apartment and dials her phone. Duarto answers) Gunilla: Social climbers on the rise.
Annie: Let's synchronize our watches. Brenda: Oh, just like "Mission: Impossible!" Elise: Oh, that was a big hit.
Duarto: Leave me alone. One hour. One hour. One hour, thank YOU!
Elise: I'm not Monique's Mother! Maurice: No. Elise: Angela Lansbury's Monique's Mother! Maurice: Uh-huh. Elise: Shelley Winters is Monique's mother! Maurice: Now that's a good one. Elise: Sean Connery is Monique's mother! Maurice: And I'm going to get you some coffee.
Elise: I'm unhappy, Maurice! Maurice: And I'm going to get you that coffee now.
Brenda: I remember, your first talk-y. Elise: Oh yeah, what did you ever win? A pie eating contest? "Best digestion?"
Elise: Annie, you choose. Who's your friend? Me or Brenda? Brenda: Yeah, for once in your life make a decision? Who's your friend? Some Beverly Hills science project? Elise: Or a woman with her own aisle at the supermarket?
Phoebe LaVelle: Hi, I'm Phoebe. I've seen all your movies and I want to be just like you. Only, me!
Brenda: Where's Shell? Morty: In the car. Brenda: Glove compartment? Morty: Trunk.
Annie: What if Elise starts drinking again and then you start slapping away? Elise: Been there! Brenda: Done that!
Elise: Well now I'm just going to say the f word... *Felony*.
Brenda: Wake up and smell the audit!
Brenda: Ya know I wonder how drunk Cynthia was when she decided to do a jack knife off Park Avenue.
Elise: And you didn't even invite me to your son's bar mitzvah! Brenda: I didn't think you would come. Annie: Yeah, it was in Hebrew! Brenda: Oh shutup!
Elise: (Drunk) You never even wrote to me! Annie: (Meekly) You were unlisted... Elise: And you always talked about me behind my back! Brenda: Oh, you deserved it!
Elise: You've always been jealous of me, even in college! Because I was blonde and beautiful, and could have any guy I wanted! Brenda: Could and did! All the senior class and half the faculty! Elise: It was the sixties.
Brenda: Those lips - what's in 'em? Are they wax?
Annie: (having a panic attack) I'm clean! I'm clean! I'm clean! (Brenda and Elise whack her over the head with some file folders)