The Colbert Report

2005

Host: Like any good newsman, I believe that if you're not scared, I'm not doing my job.

Stone Phillips: We invited Mother Teresa to respond to these charges.

Host: You know what you can't outsource, Fareed? You can't outsource balls. America is the world leader in balls.

Host: You know, I've been running this show, four nights a week, for ... five nights now ...

Host: I've swallowed 18 condoms full of truth and I'm headed across the border!

Host: ("Formidable Opponent: " Stephen Colbert debating with Stephen Colbert on charity) But, I could take care of my minimal needs and send the rest of the money to the poor. Host: Okay, think about this: You could buy a $100,000 Mercedes S600, or you could buy a $10,000 pile of crap from Korea and give the left over 110,000 to... Host: An orphanage? Host: Whatever let's you sleep. One day, you go to check on your orphans. It's raining, and you don't have the benefits of that fine German engineering. You spin out of control. You're like a loose lawnmower blade. And what's that ahead? It's your orphans! They've come out into the street to thank you for your selfless gift. Host: Get out of the street orphans! Host: Oh, I forgot to mention: They're deaf. Host: Noooooo! Host: Yes. Yeah, tragedy. Tragedy all because you didn't care enough to make a difference for yourself. Host: Wow. You've really opened my eyes, Stephen. Say, um, does it have to be a car? Host: No, it could be a really sweet boat.

Host: I don't trust books; they're all fact, no heart.

Host: You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! But I've got oven mits. This is the Colbert Report.

Host: Strike up the klezmer and start acting like a man! You're about to have a Truth Mitzvah.

Tim Robbins: Why do you hate the truth? Host: I don't hate the truth. It's facts I'm not a fan of.

Host: You know how many wars could be fought with $100 million? A *third* of one.

Host: Anyone can *read* the news *to* you. What I plan to do is *feel* the news *at* you.

Host: I'm looking over your shoulder... only because I've got your back.

Find these movie quotes interesting? Enjoy more classic quotes:

« The Cocoanuts Quotes Home The Colbys »