The Chumscrubber
2005
(repeated line) Various: It's for school.
Lee: He won't die! Billy: You wuss! Lee: He's stronger than he looks! Billy: Here! Stab him! Lee: Where? Billy: I don't know! In the stomach or something! Lee: (stabs Charlie) Shit! Charley Bratley: You stabbed me in the stomach! Billy: Is it deep?! Lee: (to Charlie) Is it deep? Charley Bratley: (pause) Fuck you! Billy: (sighs) No, it's not deep.
Crystal Falls: I probably would have ended up with a football player if I hadn't met you. And I'm not gonna lie - you've really kept it interesting, but I'm done. Billy: What the fuck are you talking about?
(repeated line) Mrs Johnson: I just thought you should know that, in no way whatsoever, do I blame you for Troy's death.
Crystal Falls: (after Crystal's friends have mocked Troy's death to humiliate Dean) Look, I just wanted to apologize for what happened back there. Dean Stiffle: Why? Did you do it? Crystal Falls: No, but my friends did. Dean Stiffle: Some pretty nice friends you got there. Crystal Falls: What are you saying? It's better to have no friends at all? Dean Stiffle: Actually, yes.
Mrs Johnson: (at Troy's memorial) It's all my fault. I didn't even know him. Dean Stiffle: Troy wanted to play guitar in a rock band - be famous. He knew he wasn't any good, so he felt stupid for wishing that. He had a crush on a girl since he was thirteen, but he never talked to her, although I think he wished he had. He was so smart, but he kept his ideas to himself - unless you asked him. He liked you. I think he felt sorry for you. He was afraid he was going to end up like his dad. Troy was my friend. He was my best friend. (pause) Mrs Johnson: Thank you.
Crystal Falls: (Billy is playing Charlie's tuba) What are you doing? Billy: I was thinking of going out for marching band. It seems to be what all the chicks are into, you know? Crystal Falls: Yeah, Charlie nailed me all night long. (Billy throws down the tuba, destroying it.) Oh my god, Billy - why would you do that? Billy: Because I'm a stupid bastard?
The Chumscrubber: (on a morbid cartoon everyone is watching) I live in a city, but in an apartment high above the cloud left by the blast. I'm one of the lucky ones. One morning, I awoke to find my head was no longer attached to my body. I'm not dead, but who could call this a life? So I do what I can, in this city of freaks and subhuman creatures. I became... The Chumscrubber.
Billy's brother: Who put that knife in the wall? Billy: I did. Billy's brother: Fix it. Billy: No. Billy's brother: Excuse me? Billy: It's my room. Billy's brother: No. It's not your room. It is a room in my house. Billy: Then you fix it.
Billy: (to Charlie) Hey, shitballs, come here. I want to show you something. Now, when you get to high school, if anyone tries to kick your ass - well, you're probably gonna get your ass kicked anyways, but if you weren't such a pussy, you could try this. Come at me, hit me in the chest. (Charlie weakly hits him) No, really come at me like you got a pair. (Charlie lunges at Billy, who tosses him across the room.) Good! That was good! Crystal Falls: Oh, my God, Billy! Are you hurt, Charlie? Lee: He's about half your size, man. Billy: Are you fucking kidding me? We fucking kidnapped this fucking kid! Am I the only person who fucking remembers that? Lee: You're such a dick.
Billy: (playing Charley's "Chumscrubber" video game) Ah! Come on! Let's see some fucking blood already.
Crystal Falls: How do you eat that? Dean Stiffle: In pretty much the standard way. Crystal Falls: You know, if I ate that everyday, I would get a big fat ass. Dean Stiffle: Is that your greatest fear? Crystal Falls: No, but it's my mother's greatest wish. Dean Stiffle: What? That you be fat? Crystal Falls: No, just fatter than her.