The Cat in the Hat
2003
(from the trailer) (the Cat is looking at a photo) The Cat: Humina, humina, humina! Who is this? Conrad: That's my mom. (pause) The Cat: Awkward.
The Fish: Stop this right now! Sally: The fish is talking. The Cat: Sure, he can talk. But is he saying anything? No, not really.
Conrad: I'm not going to military school. Lawrence Quinn: Oh, I think you're gonna love it! It's just like summer camp, except with brutal forced marches and soul-crushing discipline.
Sally: You have to clean up this mess. The Cat: I'll try. Sally: (Grabs the Cat in the Hat by his bowtie) You'll try? You do!
The Cat: (showing his car) Here she is, the Super Luxurious Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger, or S-L-O-W for short. Sally: S-L-O-W? The Cat: Yeah, S.L.O.W. It's better than the last thing we had: Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter. Conrad: Oh, you mean... The Cat: NO! Quick! To the S.L.O.W.!
(repeated line) The Cat: Oh yeah!
The Fish: This cat should not be here, he should not be about! He should not be here when your mother is out!
The Cat: Wow! This is just like the carnival, just without the abused animals and the drunken clowns with hepatitis.
The Cat: There is a third option! (Vaudeville Keyboard music) Sally: There is? The Cat: Yes. It involves... MURDER! (More vaudeville keyboard music)
The Cat: I'll get you, and I'll make it look like a bloody accident!
(after cutting his tail off with a meat cleaver) The Cat: Son of a (beep) !
Sally: Where did you come from? The Cat: Hmm, How do I put this... When a mommy cat and a daddy cat love each other very much, they decide to... Conrad: No, no, no, no, no. Where did you *come* from? The Cat: My place, what do you think?
The Cat: You pay this woman to sit on babies? That's disgusting... I do it for nothing.
The Cat: C'mon kids, you're gonna listen to him? He drinks where he pees!
The Cat: (closing the crate after Conrad opened it) Listen, Condax... you probably don't wanna do that. Conrad: Why not? It's just a crate. The Cat: This isn't just any old crate, it's the Transdimensional Transporterlator. It's kinda like a doorway which leads from this world to my world. Conrad: But it says "Made in the Philippines". The Cat: Yes, but not these Philippines.
Lawrence Quinn: Why am I sneezing? The Cat: (tipping on Quinn's shoulder) That'd be me. BOOH!
The Cat: (as the cook) Delicious cupcakes are just minutes away. The Cat: (as a cooking show host) Did you say minutes away? That's impossible! The Cat: (as the cook) You're not just wrong, you're stupid. The Cat: (as a cooking show host) Now, wait just a minute... The Cat: (as the cook) And you're ugly, just like your mum.
(to a hoe) The Cat: Dirty Hoe... I'm sorry, I love you.
The Fish: Oh my Cod!
Sally: Who are you? The Cat: Who, Me? Why I'm The Cat in the Hat, there's no doubt about that. I'm a super fundiferous feline, who's here to make sure that you're... "meline"... "key lime"... "turpentine". I got nothing! I'm not so good with the rhyming, not really, no. Look, I'm a cat that can talk that should be enough for you people!
Mom: Well, if you're both staying, remember the rules; Conrad, no playing ball in the house, no fighting, no answering the phone: "City Morgue". Sally: Mommy, can't I have some rules? Mom: No chewing tobacco.
The Fish: Children, this cat is currently in violation of... seventeen of your mother's rules! (the phone rings, and The Cat answers it) The Cat: City Morgue! The Fish: EIGHTEEN!
Lawrence Quinn: (to Sally) Hey Princess. Sally: Oh I don't want to be a princess, in a constitutional monarchy, parliament has all the power.
The Cat: Without my hat, I'm just your garden variety six-foot tall talking cat.
(Sally, Conrad and Mrs Kwan are watching TV. It shows a scene of Taiwanese Parliament Members fighting) Conrad, Sally: Taiwanese Parliament. Mrs Kwan: You tell them, Kwi-Chang. No more big government! Rip his heart out!
The Fish: (on the toilet) This is where they buried my brother!
The Cat: (in the S.L.O.W) Here, you wanna drive? (gives Conrad the wheel) Conrad: Hey, cool! Sally: Hey, I wanna drive! The Cat: Okay. (gives Sally another wheel) Conrad: Hey! Two people can't drive! The Cat: You're right. We should all drive!
The Cat: Anything. I?ll get you? and it. Look like a bloody accident.
Mom: (on phone) What do you mean you're leaving? Baby sitters don't leave, they sit. Baby leavers leave.
Mr Humberfloob: First let's give a warm welcome to our newest member of the Humberfloob family, Jim McFinnigan. (McFinnigan shakes Humberfloob's hand, to everyone else's shock) Jim McFinnigan: Mr Humberfloob, I'd like to thank you for... Mr Humberfloob: Fired. Jim McFinnigan: I beg your pardon? Mr Humberfloob: Fired! Jim McFinnigan: But I... Mr Humberfloob: (shouting) Fireeeee... dah! (McFinnigan runs away crying)
The Cat: Hey, look, Rhode Island license plate. You never see those.