The Brak Show
2000
Brak: Hey Zorak, guess what I'm going to be in the talent show this year? Zorak: A loser? Brak: Ehh Wrong! I'm going to be a potato and sing my amazing potato song! Zorak: I can't wait not to see it.
Brak: Say wh... what time you got there pardner? Thunderclese: Time is an abstract concept created by carbon-based life-forms to monitor their ongoing decay.
Brak: Last time I was this happy, I was face down in a pizza pie, eatin' my way to freedom!
Brak: Dad, I need 20 dollars. Dad: Yes, and I need a prehensile tail so I can grab onto things like a monkey.
Mike: Hi there my names Mike, I'm a razor-toed-spine-masher, wanna be pals? Thunderclese: Negative.
Brak: I'm just gonna go to my room, I won't be able to sleep though. (snoring) ... Man I love sleepin'... I wish I could wake up so I can go back to sleep.
Thunderclese: (rapping) War!/It's good for me!/What's my name? Back-up Group: THUNDERSLESE!
Brak: (singing) Food can be your friend/ Or food can be your foe./ But if you eat too much of it/ to heaven you shall gooooooooo!
Brak: (dressed as a giant beet) I'm hot for you, baby/ I'm a big ol' beet/ I'm red but not embarrassed/ And I am good with meat/ And I'm hot for you, baby!
(Brak prepares to dissect a clam in Biology class) Brak: I guess it's goodbye Brak the happy, go-lucky man about town... and hello, Brak the ruthless clam slayer.
(Brak to Dad) Brak: Holy gherkin pickles, pop!
Dad: (mumbling in hot tub water) Brak: I hope those are talking bubbles, buddy.
(Mom yells at Dad after the roof is torn off their house, she then walks away) Dad: (to self) I don't know why we need a roof anyway, just put a hat on and get over it!
Brak: Mr Tickles, how do y-how do you think Thunderclese is gonna take this? Mr Tickles: Oh my God, he'll tear your arms off! Brak: But I love my arms! That's where my hands live!
(Brak and Zorak go back in time) Past Zorak: Who are you guys? Zorak: We're you from the future. Past Zorak: What do you want? Zorak: For you to do your homework! Past Zorak: Now why the hell should I... Zorak: Grandma Prison! (an old lady cackles as Past Zorak shudders) Past Zorak: I ain't going back there! Zorak: You and me both, Jack!
Brak: (to Zorak) But this money's for college. Zorak: (taking the money) Swipe! Brak: NOW I'LL NEVER BE A BARBER!
(Brak sings about his Mom) Brak: That's my mom! / She goes by the name of Mom! / M is for her razmatazz / O is for the way she talks / The other "M" is there because... / You can't have a mom without "M"!
(Brak asks Zorak for help) Zorak: I'm not your daddy... or maybe I am.
Dad: Tonight, in the dark of night, after night has shrouded my dark plan in its nightly darkness, I will exact my revenge!
(Clarence Raps on stage) Clarence: My name is Clarence / and that's no lie / if you don't believe me ask my mom / she's over there with that man she makes me call dad but that's not my dad that's Gary / my real dad ran away / Oh daddy what did I do to make you not love me / is it my obesity, is it because I love the theatre / Why why did you leave me with Gary? (trap door opens and Clarence falls)
(Closing credits song, sung by a Louis Armstrong-like voice) So long folks, see you soon, hope you loved the show / C'mon next time, if you liked it, but if you didn't like it then watch something else / Oh yeah! Oh yeah, yeah! Scattly-dop-doop goodbye Brak!
(Zorak has teleported out of the scene) Brak: I didn't know Zorak could teleport! Zorak: (Omniscient voice) There are many things you don't know about me! Brak: Oh yeah, like what? (Zorak teleports back in) Zorak: I'm forty! (Laughs evily and teleports back out) Brak: Well that certainly came out of left field.
(Clarence appears, smoking a cigarette) Brak: Clarence! We thought you were dead! Clarence: Clarence the boy is dead. Say hello to Clarence the man... who just had sex.
(Brak at a party) Brak: Hey guys, lets throw up the booze we just drank...
(Brak comes home in tears) Brak: I don't want to live anymore! (runs to his room) Dad: Alright, now I can finally have that study I've always wanted. (Mom looks at him angrily) Dad: What? I'm half kidding, what do you people want from me?
Brak: Hey, what happened to my bed? (Brak's bed is covered with a thick, bubbling slime) Zorak: Yeah, that's my funk. Leave it alone. It's resting. Brak: Well, where did it come from? Zorak: Do you really want to know? Brak: No, I suppose not.
Mom: What have you boys been up to all weekend? Brak: We've been playing Headkicker. Zorak: I've been playing. You've been getting a red-ass beatdown.