The Black Adder
1983
Baldrick: I have a cunning plan...
Prince Edmund: Percy, you are dismissed from my services. Percy: Me? why? Prince Edmund: Because Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly. And the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a furry cod-piece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. THAT is why you are dismissed. Percy: Oh, I see. Prince Edmund: And as for you, Baldrick... Baldrick: My Lord? Prince Edmund: You're out too.
Percy: Then there's the Jumping Jews of Jerusalem! Prince Edmund: And what do they do? Percy: They jump, my lord. A lot.
Prince Edmund: So let me get this straight. You're saying that something which you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else which you have never seen?
Prince Edmund: And what is your name? Baldrick: Baldrick, my Lord. Prince Edmund: Then I will call you... Baldrick, Baldrick. Baldrick: And I will call you my Lord, my Lord.
Percy: It will be a great day tomorrow for us nobles. Prince Edmund: Well, not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces. My arms will end up at Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia stuck up in a tree somewhere in Rutland.
King Richard IV: As the good Lord said, "Love thy neighbour as thyself, unless he's Turkish, in which case, kill the bastard!"
Prince Edmund: Yes, almost as tragic as Archbishop Bertum being struck by a falling gargoyle while swimming off Beachy Head. Harry: Quite, quite. And nearly as tragic as poor old Archbishop Wilfred slipping and falling backward onto the spire of Norwich Castle. Oh, Lord, you do work in mysterious ways.
Prince Edmund: Scotsmen are barbarians! Half of them don't even speak English! Percy: Well, what do they speak? Prince Edmund: Oh, I don't know. It's all Greek to me! Percy: They speak Greek? Prince Edmund: No, I mean it SOUNDS like Greek. Percy: Well, if it sounds like Greek, it probably IS Greek. Prince Edmund: It's not Greek! Percy: But it sounds LIKE Greek... "What's not Greek, but sounds like Greek?" Hm, that's a good one, my lord! Prince Edmund: Look, it's not meant to be a BRAIN-TEASER, Percy! I'm simply trying to tell you that I cannot understand a blind word they're saying. Percy: Well, no wonder, my lord. You never learned Greek, of course.
(Baldrick holds up a head, separated from its body) Baldrick: Oh dear... Richard III.
(Edmund has just cut off the head of King Richard III) Baldrick: What have you done? Prince Edmund: Look! Baldrick: Oh, dear. Richard the Third.
Richard III: (going to the Battle of Bosworth Field) And Gentleman in London still at bed shall think themselves accursed they were not here. And hold their manhood cheap. While others speak of those who fought with us, on Ralph the Liar's DAY.
Harry: (Inspiring words before the battle) Now I'm afraid that there's going to have to be a certain amount of violence. But at least we know it's all in a good cause, don't we?
(Richard IV hands over an ornate container) King Richard IV: Chiswick. Give this to the Queen of Naples. Lord Chiswick: What is it my Lord? King Richard IV: The King of Naples.
Prince Edmund: Does anybody know what happened? Peasant: (Raising his hand) No. I don't.
(Edmund has unwillingly given up his lands in Scotland to McAngus) McAngus: Hey, I hope life doesn't become dull for you not being able to pass laws over Scotland. (Edmund laughs nervously and turns away from the violent Scotsman) Prince Edmund: (under his breath) I wouldn't pass water over Scotland.
Prince Edmund: Tomorrow I shall prove that I am a man. Percy: Well, you are a man. Prince Edmund: But how shall it be proved, Percy? Percy: Well, they could always look up that tree in Rutland.
Prince Edmund: Well, frankly, everyone thought you were dead. Richard III: Well, frankly, I am. (head floats away)
Prince Edmund: (confessing) I have coveted my father's adultery and not honored my neighbor's ass.
Prince Edmund: (attempting to prove that Harry isn't really the King's son) These letters are dated November and December 1460. Which, Harry, in relation to your date of birth is precisely nine months... Harry: AFTER I was born! (Edmund looks horrified) McAngus: But about nine months before your birth, Edmund! Prince Edmund: Ohh... you bastard! Harry: No, I think that you're the bastard, Edmund.
Prince Edmund: (after surveying the battle of Bosworth Field) Why, some people over there aren't fighting, they're just lying down! Baldrick: They're dead, my lord. Prince Edmund: Ah!
Richard III: (looking for a horse) A horse (whistles) A horse! My kingdom for a horse! (sees a horse) Ah! Horsey.
Prince Edmund: I shall be known from now on, as the Black Vegetable. Baldrick: My lord, wouldn't something like the Black Adder sound better?
Prince Edmund: Tell me, Brother Baldrick, what exactly did God do to the Sodomites? Baldrick: I dunno, my lord. But it can't have been worse than what they used to do to each other.
Prince Edmund: (after hearing the possible money-making schemes of being archbishop) Selling the sexual favours of Nuns? Some people actually pay for them? Baldrick: Foreign business men, other nuns, yes.
Prince Edmund: (reading a curse) Dear Enemy, I curse you and hope something slightly unpleasant happens to you. Like an onion falling on your head.
Prince Edmund: (reads stronger curse) Dear Enemy, may the lord hate you and all your kind. May you turn orange in hue, and may your head fall off at an awkward moment.
Prince Edmund: (weakly) Harry... what are my chances? Harry: Oh, very good. The Queen: He will live? Harry: Living? Oh, I thought you meant of going to heaven. Prince Edmund: (weakly) Damn.
(while the Archbishop is speaking, Don Speekinglesh is interpreting what he says into Spanish) Archbishop: Do you, Edmund Pantaginate, take Maria... (shouts) Oh, do shut up! Don Speekingleesh, An Interpreter: (to the crowd watching the marriage) Silencio!
Prince Edmund: Don't be absurd. Such activities are totally beyond my mother. My father only got anywhere with her because he told her it was a cure for diarrhoea.
Prince Edmund: You come in here! Fresh from slaughtering a couple of choccos when their backs were turned! And you think you can upset that harmony of a whole kingdom?! I challenge you to a duel! McAngus: (shouts) To the death! Prince Edmund: (says meekly) Uhm... yes, all right.