The Bill
1984
PC Jim Carver: Bradford? She's got about as much community spirit as Adolf Hitler.
(to PC Klein) Cass Rickman: You look like Dracula with the flu.
DC Mike Dashwood: Anything else? DI Burnside: Yeah, a garage full of bricks. DC Mike Dashwood: What kind of bricks? DI Burnside: The kind the third little pig used to build his house out of. Brick, bricks.
PC Cass Rickman: Smithy thinks the lotus position is having sex in a flash car.
DI Burnside: If you don't keep your eye on the ball, Jesus won't just be your friend he'll be your next door neighbour.
Sgt. Bob Cryer: Never Volunteer; it's an old army saying. DI Burnside: I'll have to remember that next time I'm in an old army.
Sgt. Matt Boyden: When The Met employed Reg Hollis, they deprived a village of its idiot.
Chief Supt. Charles Brownlow: Did the prisoner hurt himself? Sgt. Matt Boyden: Unfortunately not sir.
Sgt. Matt Boyden: Let's keep the off air chit-chat off air shall we.
Sgt. June Ackland: Either a freezer's defrosting, or we've got a corpse in there.
Sgt. Alec Peters: Best thing to do is to close your office door. Chief Insp. Derek Conway: Yeah, and tell the world to Foxtrot Oscar.
(to DS Hunter) Insp. Gina Gold: Now if you ever dare question my integrity again, I'll have your nuts in a jar.
(to PC Best) Insp. Gina Gold: Oh, and by the way, Gary, I've had to deal with enough knobs today. I'm sure it's very impressive, but keep it in your trousers, eh?
PC Des Taviner: Honey, what type of a name is that? PC Gary Best: Who cares what her name is? I'd give her a pint of Best!
DCC Gordon Cooper: So, who should we expect a visit from? Supt. Tom Chandler: DC Mickey Webb, small bloke, yaps like a dog.
PC Cathy Bradford: D'you think Reg is all right? PC Gary Best: He's not exactly Rambo is he? Insp. Gina Gold: Reg may not be a superhero, but I know who I'd like to be with me in a tight corner and it wouldn't be you, Best, all right!
PC Debbie Keane: (talking about a credit card thief Sonia Papadopoulos) Hey, you know this Sonia what's-her-face? PC George Garfield: What you mean Sonia Shop-till-you-dropoulos?
DS John Boulton: (a lawyer standing in his underpants in a football changing room) Oh, great. The brief in briefs.
PC Jim Carver: Say you got a credit card, right? DC Alfred 'Tosh' Lines: Yep. PC Jim Carver: And some slag's got your details... DC Alfred 'Tosh' Lines: Yep, yep. PC Jim Carver: And they're usin' it, buying stuff. DC Alfred 'Tosh' Lines: Yep, yep, what's your point? PC Jim Carver: Well you are still entitled to the points aren't you? DC Alfred 'Tosh' Lines: Penetrating intelligence like yours Jim, I don't know why you've not been promoted. PC Jim Carver: You takin' the mickey?
DS Geoff Daly: (talking about a married suspect who's got his 24-year-old girlfriend pregnant and doesn't know what to do) Can't help feeling sorry for Ted DC Rod Skase: What? C'mon! He's trading in his clapped out old Escort for a brand new GTi. Unfortunately it's got a baby seat built in as well! DS Geoff Daly: You're a right bleeding heart Rod!
PC Steven 'Steve' Loxton: (on the way to a roadblock to catch a thief who hit Boulton and escaped arrest) He's a dangerous man, Pol. So when we're checkin' these cars I want you to stay nice and close to me! PC Polly Page: (Gary and George laugh) I thought that's what you meant! PC Steven 'Steve' Loxton: You may laugh but he's knocked the crap out of CID's finest! PC George Garfield: Yeah well that's not very hard! PC Gary McCann: From the description he sounds like a dwarf! PC Steven 'Steve' Loxton: Well he's a vicious dwarf! He kneed DS Boulton in the orchastra stalls!
DI Burnside: Annoyed? First Class passengers on the Titanic were annoyed. What I'm feeling now goes beyond that.
DI Burnside: I feel about as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit.
DI Burnside: Ask the real community what they want and they'll tell you loud and clear. Cuff 'em and stuff 'em.
DI Burnside: (on Brownlow's secretary Marion) I'd like to do the Lambada with her.
DI Burnside: I don't get stress... I give it.
PC Gabriel Kent: You think I'm afraid of you Kerry? I'm not. You're like a fly buzzing around me, waiting to be swatted away. PC Kerry Young: Yeah, well we all know what flies are attracted to.
(after Ted Roach's funeral, Jack Meadows tells Bob Cryer and Alec Peters about how his problems with one of his C.I.D. officers has made him consider resigning) DCI Jack Meadows: Sometimes, I could gladly strangle the little runt! Sgt. Bob Cryer: That's one way out of the job!
(when Jack Meadows, Bob Cryer and Alec Peters visit a cottage to find a witness to the hit and run in which Ted Roach died, Alec reveals what he would plant in the garden) Sgt. Bob Cryer: I thought you liked your allotment? Sgt. Alec Peters: Not where I live. Everything I grow gets nicked.
(Kerry has discovered Gabriel's real identity) PC Kerry Young: I know what you are, and I know who you are. PC Gabriel Kent: (walking away with his back turned) Yeah, yeah... PC Kerry Young: You're not gonna get away with it this time. PC Gabriel Kent: I'm getting tired of your empty threats, Kerry. PC Kerry Young: Oh this one's far from empty, *David* Kent! (Gabriel stops dead)
(DI Burnside is being subjected to a torrent of verbal abuse from a woman while making an arrest) DI Burnside: Stick her on. WPC Suzanne Ford: What's the charge? DI Burnside: Possession of an offensive mouth!
(on DS Samantha Nixon missing the funeral of PC Kerry Young) DS Phil Hunter: Well you didn't miss much, well apart from Gabriel throwing a Gwyneth.
PC Lance Powell: He's so far in the closet, he might as well be in Narnia!
TDC Brandon Kane: Loving someone isn't holding them hostage.
PC Sheelagh Murphy: I've got a husband, I know what it's like when a bloke's got the flu: somewhere between Ebola and Bubonic plague.
(about PC Honey Harman) Sgt. Matt Boyden: She's a bit of a bungalow... you know, nothing upstairs.
PC Honey Harman: I know what they say about me at the station. A bit 40 watts. Dim.
(to PC Gary Best, about PC Honey Harman) PC Des Taviner: She was on a plate for you. All you needed was a knife and fork.
(to Gemma and Des) Supt. Adam Okaro: Unless you're waiting for me to send letters home to your parents, get out of my office.
Insp. Gina Gold: This is not a Marxist collective, you know. When I say do it - you go do it.
PC Yvonne Hemmingway: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
DCI Jack Meadows: What's the point of having rank if you can't pull it?
(to DS Samantha Nixon) DS Phil Hunter: Sergeants stick together; maybe you should join the club.
(about PC Gemma Osbourne) PC Des Taviner: I'd rather have my eyeballs ripped out and dipped in salt than spend another six hours in the Area Car with her.
(about Inspector Gina Gold) PC Jim Carver: How's the dragon this morning? Is she breathing fire or smoking it?
Insp. Gina Gold: Rules are rules, and if I thought for one minute you were bending them for anyone - including me - I'd kick you from hell to breakfast!
DI Neil Manson: (Jack and Neil have been handcuffed together) My back's itchin'! DCI Jack Meadows: So what do you want me to do about it? DI Neil Manson: Come on Guv... I'd scratch yours. DCI Jack Meadows: Make a change from stabbing it! DI Neil Manson: (Jack relents and scratches Neil's back) Down a bit...
DS Ramani De Costa (2003-) : Two weeks ago, you rang up my ex and told him I was dead. You stole files, important documentation. Yesterday you had me arrested and told the police I was harassing you. And today you nearly murdered my colleague!
Sgt Dale 'Smithy' Smith: (pulls a quantity of drugs from a pushchair) "Makes a change from a cuddly toy".
Insp. Gina Gold: (on being presented with a large bouquet) Thank you. Put these in water, would you please, Smithy. Preferably the Thames.
Factory Girl #1: Gonna get our wages back for us, are you, Guv? DI Roy Galloway: Gonna try, love. Factory Girl #2: You can question me any time you like! DI Roy Galloway: You never know your luck... Factory Girl #1: Oi! Don't leave me out - I've got an itchy fanny! (both factory girls laugh)