The Beiderbecke Affair
1985 (mini)
Trevor Chaplin: Did the earth move, Darling? Jill Swinburne: No, but the dressing table twitched a few times.
Jill Swinburne: I give you fair warning, Mr Chaplin. If you get engaged to that girl, I shall insist you move into the spare room.
Mr Carter: This tea would make a brontosaurus puke.
Mr Carter: Mrs Swinburne, may I sit with you and kindle my desires?
Mr Wheeler: Are you eating, boy? You should know by now that eating is forbidden. That's why we supply school dinners.
Chief Supt. Forrest: (On Hobson) What do you make of him? Joe: Compared to what, sir? Chief Supt. Forrest: Exactly.
Trevor Chaplin: It's two years exactly... Jill Swinburne: Two years exactly since I dragged you into bed for the first time and slaked my lust on your body. Mr Carter: Education is wonderful, isn't it? Jill Swinburne: Yes. I wonder why we're all teachers - seems such a waste.
Trevor Chaplin: (reads from instruction manual) "Applicate the component A to bracket B with appropriate screwing." Have you tried that? Mr Carter: I daren't - not in front of the children.
(rehearsing Jill's election address over the tannoy) Trevor Chaplin: My friends, vote for Jill Swinburne. A vote for Swinburne is a vote for freedom... what's more, she's terrific in bed! Jill Swinburne: Give me that, you stupid pillock. Trevor Chaplin: Shh. The neighbours might hear. Jill Swinburne: How do you switch it off? Trevor Chaplin: You switch the switch marked "switch". Jill Swinburne: You've probably lost me the election. Trevor Chaplin: I might have *won* you the election!
Jill Swinburne: D'you fancy going out tonight? Belated anniversary celebration. Trevor Chaplin: What is it? "Save the whale" or "single-parent families"? Jill Swinburne: I've got no kids - I can't be a single-parent family. Trevor Chaplin: Have you considered fostering a blue whale? Solve two problems.
(over school dinner, discussing the attempts to frighten them) Trevor Chaplin: I still think it's a lot of fuss about a dead cat. Jill Swinburne: *You* wouldn't have liked it. Trevor Chaplin: I had a noose and I didn't scream. Jill Swinburne: You big brave macho incredible hulk, you. Trevor Chaplin: I just got up on the desk and took it down. (chuckles) As my mother used to say, "no noose is good noose". Jill Swinburne: Gordon Bennett! Trevor Chaplin: You don't even like cats. Jill Swinburne: It's not the cat. It's the death aspect. Trevor Chaplin: I wonder if they killed it specially, or just found it somewhere. Jill Swinburne: Ooh, that's awful. Trevor Chaplin: I'm just making a rational analysis of the situation. Jill Swinburne: I think it's the same sort of dead cat as they use in that. (Jill looks at Trevor's dinner; Trevor pushes his plate away in revulsion) Jill Swinburne: I think somebody is trying to frighten us. Successfully. Trevor Chaplin: Mmm-hmm! Jill Swinburne: You're frightened? Trevor Chaplin: Oh yes. I only *pretend* to be brave. Jill Swinburne: I think I'm might need somebody to give me cuddle tonight. Trevor Chaplin: Me too. Jill Swinburne: See Mrs Swinburne in her classroom after school. Trevor Chaplin: You what? I'm not going in *her* classroom - it's full of dead cats! Jill Swinburne: I don't find that funny, Trevor. Trevor Chaplin: No. I don't suppose it was a barrel of laughs for the cat, either.