The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.

Dr Quintano: I am Dr Quintano, Medicine Woman.

(Lord Bowler is dressed up like a nun to hide from outlaws) Brisco County Jr.: Now that's what I call a real bad habit.

Brisco County Jr.: If I was going to kill you, I'd be stepping over your body right now on my way out the door.

Brisco County Jr.: Never look too deep into the mind of a lawyer.

Dixie Cousins: Brisco, put me down! Brisco County Jr.: Okay: you look bad in a wig and you were too easy to find.

(talking with an Italian gangster) Enzio Tataglia: In my country we have a saying: 'If you yodel in the forest, the yoo-hoo that you yoo-hoo will be the yoo-hoo that you get back.' Brisco County Jr.: Where were you from again?

Lord Bowler: Uh oh. You hit the sheriff Brisco County Jr.: Yeah, but I did not hit the deputy.

Pete Hutter: Dixie, I'm kind of a stickler for gun safety. Could you move a little to the left? Dixie Cousins: Don't you get it? He's somebody. Pete Hutter: Sorry, Dixie, but existential thought doesn't hold much water out here in the territories.

Amanda Wickwire: What's your name? Brisco County Jr.: Brisco County. Amanda Wickwire: Is that where you're from? Brisco County Jr.: No, that's who I am.

(asking about Lord Bowler's name) Professor Ogden Coles: That's a completely fictitious title, I assume? Lord Bowler: No, I just made it up.

Gil Swill: We're moving to the big time. You remember our cousin Ed? Bill Swill: The one that married Aunt Merriam? Phil Swill: I thought he married his mother. Bill Swill: That's what I said. Gil Swill: Until recently, Ed was one of the Army's top test drivers. The man is fearless. Phil Swill: You have to be fearless to marry your mother.

Pete Hutter: Hello, Brisco. Brisco County Jr.: Correct me if I'm wrong, Pete, but weren't you killed in a gunfight? Pete Hutter: It was only a gut shot. I'm stronger now with less appetite.

(after a murder attempt) Brisco County Jr.: How's it going, Hatchet? Miss me? Hatchet: By a couple of inches...

Peter Hutter: Forget about it? You mean... rip it from my memory like a picture from a book? A picture of a small boy... kind of shy... with big ears who only wanted to be liked. And the laughing faces of his classmates, mocking him because he forgot to wear his pants to school? Is that what you mean?

Brisco County Jr.: You gotta excuse Comet. He still doesn't realize he's a horse.

(From early in the premier episode) Brisco County Jr.: Well, you had one hell of a funeral, Dad. Governors from three states and two territories showed up. I'm sorry I missed it. I'm, ah, I'm sorry I missed a lot of things. But I'm gonna finish the job you started. You can count on that. John Bly has to be caught... so I hope you're looking out for me up there. I can use all the help I can get.

Brisco County Jr.: (alias "Kansas") Pete, put the gun down. Pete Hutter: They say I'm the fastest draw west of the Colorado. You care to try me, Kansas? Brisco County Jr.: I don't know. I'm not that good at geography.

Jonah Collier: So, Marshal Brisco County, now that you've rounded up the thirteen most notorious outlaws in all the west, including John Bly, what will do you do for an encore? Brisco County Sr: I believe I'll smoke this pipe.

Ethan Emerson: I like that man. Granville Thorogood: You never were a very good judge of character, Ethan.

(series premiere) Pete Hutter: You ready? Brisco County Jr.: Pride comes before a fall, Pete. Pete Hutter: So does an ounce of lead in a brainpan.

(conversation on board a runaway stagecoach) Dixie Cousins: What do we do now? Brisco County Jr.: Well, I can swing out, get a good foothold and climb up to the top of the stage. And then if I'm real careful and God is on my side, I could leap onto the rear of the back horse and work my way out to the lead team, taking care not to fall under their thundering hoofs. Then reach out, grab the bridle of the lead horse and rein them in to a safe and steady stop. Dixie Cousins: Oh, my! Brisco County Jr.: Or... we can jump!

Big Smith: Welcome to Sutter Creek. Five years ago, the gold ran dry. Now the Sheriff is dead, the mayor is running a brothel and the minister is a drunk. My kind of town!

(series premiere) Dixie Cousins: Do you like the bed? It came from France. Brisco County Jr.: Louis the Fourteenth? Dixie Cousins: No. I think Louis was the Ninth or Tenth. But then, a lady never counts. Brisco County Jr.: Oh? Then what are those notches on the bedpost?

(Repeated line) Pete Hutter: You touched my piece. NOBODY touches my piece!

(Ned is robbing a bank) Ned Zed: What are you lookin' at? Hostage: Nothing. Ned Zed: You callin' me nothin'?

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