The A-Team
1983
(opening narration) Narrator: In 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.
Hannibal: I love it when a plan comes together!
Hannibal: I love it when a corpse comes apart!
(Murdoch is looking sad) Hannibal: What's the matter, Captain? Murdock: Something horrible. Face: What's the matter? Billy get hit by a car. Murdock: WORSE. (gives Hannibal his hospital release) I've been thrown out. Cast out... Hannibal: You've been found sane? Murdock: You got it.
B.A. Baracus: I thought you weren't crazy no more? Murdock: Only on paper.
Face: (the team's plane is starting to malfunction) Uh, Murdock, what's going to happen? Murdock: Looks like we're going to crash.' Face: No, what's *really* going to happen? Murdock: Looks like we're going to crash and die.
(after crashing the plane) Murdock: That concludes your flight with Miracle Airlines, the only airline where Lady Luck is your co-pilot.
(Face, B.A., and Murdoch are squeezed into the back seat of a car) Murdock: There isn't room for four of us? B.A. Baracus: What? What do you mean four, sucker? (grabs him) There's three of us, you fool! Face: Better say three, Murdock, or he's going to bounce you down the hyphenated line.
(Murdoch is giving a direct blood transfusion to B.A, who is squirming) Hannibal: B.A., just relax. B.A. Baracus: I told you guys for the last time. I don't want this sucker's blood in me. It's going to make me crazy like him. Murdock: No, it's not going to make you crazy, it'll make you mellow. You can even room with me at the V.A. I'll have them bring in an extra bunk and we can sit together and watch the walls melt. B.A. Baracus: Hannibal!
B.A. Baracus: We're flying this time, aren't we? Hannibal: Yes, we are. B.A. Baracus: You're not going to drug me this time. I'm going to keep my eye on you. Hannibal: In that case, do you want the last swallow of your milk? (B.A. realizes he's been had, raises his fist and then collapses) Hannibal: Guess not.
(Hannibal has just drugged B.A. and his head has hit the horn) Face: Why does he always fall on the horn? Hannibal: Beats me.
(Face has just been rejected by a girl and he turns to see Murdoch staring at him) Face: What are you looking at? Murdock: You. I've been watching you, and I'm worried. Face: How so? Murdock: Well, it's a bit disturbing to see the team's Love Doctor hit the ground and cry "Medic!"
Face: (Face has just been rejected by a girl and he turns to see Murdock staring at him) What are you looking at? Murdock: You. I've been watching you, and I'm worried. Face: How so? Murdock: Well, it's a bit disturbing to see the team's Love Doctor hit the ground and cry "Medic!"
Face: The magic word is... tuberculosis. (Murdock starts coughing violently)
Face: In no time, he'll be running around like a Mexican Jack Rabbit. One that just got out of therapy.
B.A. Baracus: I pity the fool who goes out tryin' a' take over da world, then runs home cryin' to his momma!
B.A. Baracus: Shut up, fool.
(after trashing the fake A-Team gang) Face: I think it's time the truth came out, don't you? Murdock: Yeah, and make sure my name is spelled "Murdock" - that's "Murdock"! B.A. Baracus: Hey, shut up, fool! Murdock: Yeah, that's easy for you to say - *you're* mentioned in the paper! Hannibal: Now look, Murdock, you're our secret weapon... Murdock: I don't want to be a secret weapon - I want to be an exposed weapon!
(a gang of hooligans is harassing a circus under the name of the A-Team. The *real* A-Team reunites, understandably not too pleased with this development) Face: (waving around a newspaper article) Did you read this, Hannibal? Do you seriously believe this? Hannibal: I read it - I believe it! B.A. Baracus: This is bad, Hannibal - real bad! Some guys are coming around and busting heads saying they're the A-Team! There's only *one* A-Team! Us!
Hannibal: *We* are the A-Team!
(a terrified Mason offers to hire the A-Team at any price) Hannibal: I like mathematical progressions, but we're really picky about whom we work for. B.A. Baracus: That's right, sucker! Real picky! Hannibal: Two things, Mason. Firstly, stop bothering the Wild West Show and leave it alone. Secondly, it is not wise to impersonate the A-Team - and if you continue to do so, we will lose our quiet and peaceful demeanor and come back here and turn your studio upside down.
Murdock: (reading a newspaper article) "The A-Team. Three Vietnam soldiers on the run from the military." Three soldiers - *three*! *I'm* just as much a part of the A-Team as you are, and I'm not mentioned... Face: Murdock, you're a pilot, you're technically not one of the A-Team - that's why I have to come down here and scam out of your cell every time! But take it from me, you're just as much a part of the A-Team as any of us...
Murdock: I wish I could just jump in the water and live like a fish. B.A. Baracus: Shut up fool, you ain't no fish!
B.A. Baracus: I ain't flying Hannibal!
Face: Look to this day, For yesterday is but dream and tomorrow is but a vision. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope.
B.A. Baracus: I'm gonna kill that crazy Murdock!
Hannibal: Hey kid, you're not that swift. I did some pretty squirly things in 'Nam, and lived to tell about them. You're like bread on a windowsill. Mine, when I want ya.
B.A. Baracus: You put cake in my van?
Amy: Murdock, why are you eating a sandwich that's frozen? Murdock: I have to. I'm allergic to microwaves. They release space hamsters into my bloodstream.
B.A. Baracus: They're closin'. They got us! Hannibal: You never know. B.A. Baracus: I do. We're almost out of gas. Hannibal: Now, why did you pick a truck with no gas? B.A. Baracus: 'Cause I liked the paint job.
Hannibal: Murdock, how'd I ever let you talk me into this? Murdock: I don't know; I have intermittent memory loss.
Amy: Hannibal's plans never work right. They just work.
Amy: Where's the pilot? Murdock: It was kinda strange. I was just standing there talking to him, and all of a sudden, he fell in my arms. Amy: You knocked him out. Murdock: Let's not get technical.
Hannibal: I believe it was General Grant who said when you're surrounded and outnumbered, there's only one way out. Amy: Yeah, so what is it? Hannibal: Surrender.
Murdock: I leave with you my Captain Bellybuster cap for security. Now, you take good care of it. I promise you, I will return for my Captain Bellybuster cap.
B.A. Baracus: I don't start no trouble. I mind my own business. Amy: B.A., going up to a traffic cop who's writing out a ticket for your van, and eating the citation right in front of his face, absolutely falls under starting trouble.
B.A. Baracus: You messed up, now I gotta mess you up. It's the law!
B.A. Baracus: Everybody knows the mans a fool!,he's crazy,he sees people that ain't there,and he's always talkin' in circles!
(the A-Team is assigned to infiltrate foreign territory) Carla: As Americans, you can expect to be shot on sight if you're discovered. Frankie "Dishpan" Santana: Well, how do they feel about Puerto Ricans? B.A. Baracus: And black people?
Hannibal: Hickory, dickory, dock. The mouse ran up the clock. The clock struck one, and down he run. And you smell worst than my socks!
Hannibal: B.A., there's an old saying - "The best defense is a good offense." B.A. Baracus: You got that wrong, man. A good offense is the best defense. Hannibal: Okay, have it your way.
B.A. Baracus: That's it. You're going into the water.
B.A. Baracus: Gimme a cup of coffee! Diner Clerk: How do you want it? B.A. Baracus: In a cup, fool!
(Hannibal, Face and B.A. have been locked in a small-town jailhouse by a fake sheriff, who then leaves with all his deputies) Face: Why would they lock us up then take off? Hannibal: They've probably gone to tell the townsfolk that *we* stole their money. Make a great diversion - the bad guys get away, while the locals start looking at us, and throwing ropes over tree limbs. Face: Makes sense! Hannibal: I think we need to figure a way out of this jail, guys! B.A. Baracus: That's why we brought you along, Hannibal. That's you're department! Hannibal: Okay, the Hannibal Smith Ideas Department is now open for suggestions! B.A. Baracus: That's not an idea, Hannibal! Face: (Walking to the bars and taking a small pouch from his pocket) Well, I have an idea. Hannibal: (Looking at the pouch) A set of lock picks! You know, sometimes Face, your sense of larceny is your most attractive trait! Face: I know!
(Hannibal, Face and B.A. have left the cell, only to find they can't leave because the jail-house surrounded by angry townspeople) Face: (Walking in from the cell area) I just found the real sheriff - dead! B.A. Baracus: Oh, man, they're going to think we killed him! Hannibal: Well, I admit that this situation has some ragged edges, but I can't think with all this noise!
(Murdock, with help from Boy George, has disguised himself as a pregnant woman in order to gain entry to the jail-house) Murdock: Herbert, open up, darling, its Cynthia! Hannibal: Cynthia, go away! Murdock: Herbert, oh Herbert, we have to talk, for the baby! B.A. Baracus: Baby? what's that fool talking about? Face: Let's open up and find out!
(Murdock enters the jail-house) Murdock: (Lifting up the dress) Hold your breath, and remember your exercises. (In a whisper) Explosives! Hannibal: (Collecting the explosives) Great, Murdock, just great Face: You know, Murdock, you look more attractive to me as a woman than you do as a man! Murdock: Face, we haven't got time for that. Boy George is waiting behind the sheriff's office - we've got to go!
(Murdock is trying to pick the lock on the door of a small town store) Murdock: Face usally does this, makes it look real easy. An honest man doesn't really have the knack for this sort of thing... Boy George: Yeah, but who needs honesty? (lifts his foot and kicks the door open)
(Boy George reveals his contract stipulated a fee of $1.2 million) Hannibal: Face? Face: We'll, I've been so busy, I didn't get a chance to explain our little contractual divot, here. Hannibal: Face, $1.2 million is not a divot, it is a crater!
Hannibal: (surveying a makeshift microlight B.A. has cobbled together from the wreck of their aeroplane) This thing is supposed to fly? Murdock: I got no fear. I'll go up in anything: except an elevator.
Face: Hannibal, I don't like it when you get that look.
Face: (to Hannibal) Don't you smile at me... that's not even a real smile! It's just a bunch of teeth playing with my mind.
General: All in all, they've made a fine bunch of jackasses out of all of us, and I want it stopped now. I want you to find The A-Team and bring 'em in. You were our best troubleshooter in the past two wars. Col Roderick Decker: Until extreme political pressures knocked the hat off my career, and ruined any possibility of furthering my rank. It seems the very methods that made me an embarassment and shuffled me off to the sides are exactly the methods you need for this assignment. General: I'm not saying... Col Roderick Decker: We both know what you're saying, General, so let's not dance around the floor once. Everyone read the reports from 'Nam on these guys. They were the best, because they're fast, sharp, and unorthodox. The way to catch men like these are to play by their rules, which means... there are none. General: What I'm interested in are results. I don't expect detailed reports on the whats, hows, or whens of their apprehension, I just want to know that it's done.
Hannibal: (the team has been captured by a cult) Hey, Face, what do think these guys are wearing under their skirts? Face: Uh, I don't know. (to closest Cult Member) Garter belt? (gets hit in gut with a rifle butt) Ohh! Hannibal: (to closest cult member) Half slip? (gets hit in the gut with a rifle butt) Arrgh! B.A. Baracus: I think you guys wear panty hose! (gets hit. Doesn't react)
Amy: Wow. Those blood capsules are really realistic. Face: Think so, huh? I accidentally swallowed the capsules. Hannibal split the inside of my lip. Hannibal: Sorry, kid. You walked right into that one. Face: (spitting out a tooth) Oh, there goes another cap! B.A. Baracus: Hannibal, why you go bust Faceman in the lip for? Now we won't be able to get into any more good hotel rooms!
Murdock: You have to have a boyfriend, you're a pretty girl. Dr Kelly Stevens: (blushing) Well, I have never been called pretty. (Murdock takes her to a mirror and holds it boldly in front of her) Murdock: Pretty girl! Dr Kelly Stevens: (Kelly sees in Murdock's eyes that he has genuine feelings for her, and her voice shows she is genuinely moved) Y... you're crazy, you know that? Murdock: I know it, but do you?
Murdock: I'm a bird! I'm a plane! I'm a choo-choo train! (shouts) Touchdown!
B.A. Baracus: Let's cook the sucker! (after getting no answers from a bad guy)