Jerri Blank: I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed REALLY hard.

Mr Chuck Noblet: Fran, you're late. Fran: Am I? Or is the rest of the world early?

Principal Onyx Blackman: What are you going to do at Good Time Island? Jerri Blank: I'm gonna get laid.

Jerri Blank: From now on, this violin is my whole life. Orlando Pinatubo: Hey, Jerri. Wanna go throw stuff off the overpass? Jerri Blank: Yeah. (holds up violin) We can throw this.

Jellineck: "Most gay people are retarded."

Jerri Blank: Packing a Musket, by Jerri Blank When you work from your home, and johns call on the phone, you're a call girl. When you walk to you limp, and give a cut to a pimp, you're a stree whore. When they're beggin ya please, to get down on your knees, near their groinage, scusa me, but ya see, don't ya touch, where they pee, without coinage. Mr Chuck Noblet: Thank you Jerri... Jerri Blank: When I straddle and squat, to show you my... (Bell rings)

Jerri Blank: "Packing a Musket' a poem by Jerri Blank / When you work from your home / and Johns call on the phone / you're a call girl. / When you walk 'til you limp / and give a cut to a pimp / you're a street whore. / When they're beggin' you "please" / to get down on your knees / near their groinage / "Excusa me" / but you see don't you touch / where they pee / without coinage / When I straddle and squat / to show you my... / (At this point the class was saved by the bell)

Jerri Blank: I'm not adopted and I'm not an Indian. It's just a coincidence that I have a love of gambling and booze and a knack for catching syphilis.

Jerri Blank: Orlando, you can't be a pilgrim. The pilgrims had snowy white skin to match their pure Christian souls. They didn't sacrifice coconuts to their monkey gods.

Jerri Blank: Hey Stew, you seen my mother? Stew: Which one? The real one, the dead one, or the one I'm having sex with?

Jerri Blank: You know, Paul, I'm very interested in you... SEXUALLY. I like the pole and the hole, and right know I'm as MOIST as a snack cake down there. So, how about you come on over, and I'll make your pinky, alllll STINKY.

Jerri Blank: I like the hole and the pole.

Jerri Blank: Somebody's been drinking. I'm gonna name you Dizzy.

Jerri Blank: Hello. I'm Jerry Blank. 32 years ago I dropped out of High School and ran away from home. Oh, I made a lot of friends... did a lot of time. I was a boozer, a user and a loser. I stole the TV. - Did some more time. But now I'm back in school. And though the faces may have changed, the hassles are just the same.

Jerri Blank: I stole the TV.

Fran: Hi Jerri. Jerri Blank: Yo-yo-you talkin' to me? Fran: Yep. Jerri Blank: I'm guessing this is a dream. Only difference is you're not naked a tied to a radiator.

Jerri Blank: Number one- get your chubby chimp-claws off the copper-top.

Jerri Blank: "Dear Diary, I'm sorry for all those hateful racist things I said about you. Everything's changed; I'm in love... something you would never understand you dirty, dirty, dirty Jew diary. Just kidding, just kidding. Jerri Blank."

(Talking to a tree she has just planted) Jerri Blank: You know, you and me have got a lot in common, we both have thick leathery bark, we both have initials carved into our trunks, and we're both setting down new roots.

Stephen Colbert: Before we leave, THAT is Ricky, he's a new student here at Flatpoint... Now I want you to treat Ricky like you would any other student you know nothing about and who evidently feels he can walk into my classroom in the middle of the semester and expect me to change my lesson plan.

Jerri Blank: Florida. Beautiful weather - harsh penal system.

Jerri Blank: Dreams can happen Sara Blank: It's nice that you think that, dear.

Sara: And here's my one-woman production of "Twelve Angry Men"

Chuck Noblet: Following his violent revolution, Gandhi was devoured by his followers.

Craig Snow: You need to face the fact that your mother is an alcoholic, but Jerri, that doesn't mean she doesn't love you. Jerri: No, I've heard her say plenty of times she didn't love me.

Mr Jellyneck: Now, Jerri, I know you are having some family problems at home, but if you can't check your baggage at the door before rehearsal, then I will find someone else, somebody who doesn't have a family.

Craig Snow: So when you get fed up with lies and delusions, we'll make a place for you... we'll just tell somebody to leave.

Mr Noblet: (leading the "Obscurity Prayer" at the Ala-coholics meeting) Dear God, please give me the strength to blame those who did this to me, to accuse those who didn't, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Sara Blank: I can stop whenever I want... What you don't believe, well then why don't you watch this, say goodbye to my mixers. Jerri Blank: I guess she can stop.

Jerri: Come on, pick me. Look, I have the legs of a mongoose.

Poppy Downes: And meanwhile, our brothers from the east were eating bowls of rice safely nestled in their internment camps. Mr Noblet: Excellent report, Poppy. It's important that we never forget the atrocities the Japanese committed against our boys.

Mr Noblet: Noone makes friends with a failure.

Jerri: What are you painting? Mr Jellineck: Oh, just a little bit of Americana for Drug Awareness Week. It's the Battle of Miami. Columbus here, fighting the pilgrims as they attempt to land.

Poppy Downes: I'm a bumblebee. I'm a bee and I need to get back to the hive.

Jerri: Well, those keyholes are a menace.

Sara Blank: Don't rub your feces on the lampshade.

Jerri: They never did find out who gave Poppy the drugs, so I guess justice was served.

Jeri: Just trying to keep the boulder in front of my love cave.

Jeri: Don't think about sex. Don't think about sex. Don't think about sex. Oh it's hard. Oh, Hard.

Tammy: You better 86 the 69 talk.

Drake Rogers: Wow, a virgin Whore.

Jeri: What's the difference between being married and in love and being horny and in the back of a car?

Drake Rogers: I want you to know, I will say anything to get you into this bunk.

Coach Cherri Wolf: Today we're gonna be talking about reproduction and its consequences. In order for you to learn what it's like to take care of a ten pound (makes finger quotes) baby, each of you will be taking care of... a ten pound baby. First up, Jerri Blank. Jerri Blank: But I've had plenty of babies. Just none I've carried to full term. Coach Cherri Wolf: Come get the baby, Jerri. Jerri Blank: I don't understand the point of this. Coach Cherri Wolf: The point, Jerri, is for you to learn a valuable lesson. Jerri Blank: Which is? Coach Cherri Wolf: Well, if I told you the lesson, you wouldn't be learning it. I'd be teaching it.

Chuck Noblet: All right everybody, for tomorrow I want you to write a history poem on Hiroshima. But nothing too faggy. And remember, I need the permission slips for this week's trip to Good Time Island. Girl Student: Where's *your* permission slip? Chuck Noblet: SHUT YOUR DIRTY LITTLE MOUTH.

Orlando Pinatubo: You should run for homecoming queen, Jerri. Jerri Blank: What? Are you joking? I don't think I'm what the boys consider a traditional beauty. Orlando Pinatubo: In my country, you'd be a real queen. Jerri Blank: Yeah, well, that's cause your country's ruled by monkeys. Orlando Pinatubo: Jerri, that's an ugly thing to say. Jerri Blank: Geez, why are you people so sensitive about your resemblance to monkeys? They're adorable.

Chuck Noblet: Can anyone tell me the tragic irony of the Trojan War? Tina? Tina: Um, that horses are friendly creatures yet a hollow, wooden one was used to destroy Troy? Chuck Noblet: Wrong and no. Anyone else? Chip? Chip: That the mighty warrior Achilles was killed by a small cut to his ankle. Chuck Noblet: Chip is wronger. OK, here it is. The tragic irony of the Trojan War is that though it was fought over Helen, who was young and beautiful, by the time they rescued her ten years later, she was old and ugly. Tina: But wasn't recovering the king's wife reward enough for the Greeks? Chuck Noblet: Tina, an ugly woman is never a reward.

(Jerri is running for homecoming queen) Jerri Blank: I was nominated today. Sara Blank: Oh Jerri, I'm sorry. Kids can be so cruel in their pranks. I'll have your father call Principal Blackman tomorrow. Jerri Blank: It wasn't a prank. It's for real, stepmother. And I have a good chance at winning. Sara Blank: Of course you do, darling. And I'm a caribou.

Geoffrey Jellineck: If wishes and buts were clusters of nuts, we'd all have a bowl of granola.

Jerri Blank: Shazam. Look. Drake Rogers. Mmm, he makes me all puffy down there. I'd love to tame his blue vein swayback throbber. Tammi Littlenut: What do you mean, Jerri? Jerri Blank: Take him backstage behind the meat curtain, know what I mean? I'm talkin' about pounding out the veal. Tammi Littlenut: Are you thinking about having sex already? Jerri Blank: Does a pimp carry a razor? Tammi Littlenut: I don't know... Jerri Blank: Trust me, they all do.

Jerri Blank: Well, what would you do if your daddy died? Cassie Pines: HEY. You'd love that, wouldn't you? Just because your dad was killed in some freak accident, nobody can have one? Well I'll tell ya something. My daddy's alive and yours is dead and ain't nothin' gonna change that.

Principal Onyx Blackman: Jerri, I'm an obtuse man, so I'll try to be oblique. Your illiteracy has made me the whipping boy of this school district. I attended the school board meeting this morning, and they all had their little laugh. It was a feeding frenzy of cackling hyenas, and I was the wildebeest carcass.

Jerri Blank: Well, I have to go to the ladies room. Tammi, you wanna come along? Tammi Littlenut: I don't have to go. Jerri Blank: You don't have to make a tinkle or a poo-poo? Tammi Littlenut: No, Jerri. Jerri Blank: Are you sure, Tammela? Maybe once you get in there, you'll have to make a wee-wee or a turdy. (Tammi catches on) Tammi Littlenut: Do you wanna go to the bathroom and talk? Jerri Blank: I guess we *could* talk if you don't need to make a stinky.

Jerri Blank: Why did you spread those vicious lies? Drake Rogers: Cus you didn't spread those vicious thighs.

Jerri Blank: And as for that little redheaded spitfire, Tammi Littlenut, well - let's just say the carpet matches the drapes. (Grunts)

Jerri Blank: (to Jellineck, in prison) My asshole's is hungry, baby.

Ricky: You just gave me away? Jerri Blank: No, no, never. I traded you for a guitar. God, and all these years I've wondered, "What happened to that guitar?"

Mr Chuck Noblet: It's unthinkable, the atrocities that the Native Aamericans committed against the buffalo. No one is certain what exactly the Native Americans did to the poor creatures, but whatever it was, it caused the buffalo to become so depressed, that when the white men came, the buffalo committed suicide by jumping in front of the white men's muskets.

Mr Chuck Noblet: You're new here, so let me lay it down for you. I run a pretty tight ship around here. Thats why the student call me "the hammer". Orlando Pinatubo: We don't call you that. Mr Chuck Noblet: Shut up.

Derrick Blank: Lets go watch some gay porn so we can get our hate back.

Jerri Blank: I've changed. People change. I'm not the same Jerri Blank who informed on those blind orphans. I'm not the same Jerri Blank who revealed the hiding place of those Guatemalans... such as yourself. And I'm not the same Jerri Blank who took a crap in the Fleishmann's holly bushes... last night.

Jerri Blank: I did things I wouldn't force on a mule, and that includes things I forced on a mule.

Principal Onyx Blackman: I'll be back in a shortly.

Jerri Blank: If you're gonna reach for a star, reach for the lowest one you can.

Jerri Blank: If only I could see what it's like to be blind!

Principal Onyx Blackman: Block the door with your budding femininity!

Geoffrey Jellineck: It's not a cold sore! I bumped my lip on a biscuit!

Father: What now, Jerri? Jerri Blank: I want to go home. Father: Fine. You're not a prisoner here. There are no bars on our electrified fences. We don't have attack dogs lurking in the alligator-infested swamps surrounding this compound. Father: (Holds up a sandal) Here. Call your parents, have them come and pick you up. Jerri Blank: That's a sandal. Father: More distrust, Jerri!

Father: Who are you? Jerri Blank: Jerri Blank. Father: No... (slowly) who... are... you? Jerri Blank: Jeerrrrrriiiii... Blllllaaaaannnnkkkkk

Father: Adam, God loves you. Why don't you go let him love you someplace else for a while? Jerri, although I am capable of infinite forgiveness, you are really testing the limits of infinity!

Mr Chuck Noblet: (Noblet is 'trying' to break a cult's hold over Jerri) Come on, Jerri! Let's go! Jerri Blank: Where? Mr Chuck Noblet: Back to the cult! We'll go through the furnace and then out the air shaft! Jerri Blank: We'll burn to death! Mr Chuck Noblet: Father will protect us! Where's your faith, woman?

Principal Onyx Blackman: (Reading newspaper headlines) What's this? "Messianic Cult moves to Flatpoint"? Good God! I don't like the sound of that! What kind of maniac would attempt to control fresh young minds? (Turns on the intercom) Attention! Harken to my voice! An insidious cult is intent on controlling your actions. I command you to avoid it at all costs! That is all.

Coach Cherri Wolf: Jerri, what does V-I-C-T-O-R-Y spell? Jerri Blank: Fandango? Hobocamp? Ho... hobocamp!

Jerri Blank: Stoney and I would go over to Buckle's and Puff would turn us on to a hot load of mescaline crumbled into a tumbler of ether with a float of Percocet jimmies. I'd wake up with blood on my ass, and then we'd get high. Those were some good times.

Mr Chuck Noblet: (reading a note he confiscated from Jerri) My vagina is on fire. I'm trying not to scratch it, Orlando, I'm afraid it will get infected. P.S. I just know I'm going to win homecoming queen. That will show those sons of bitches, especially Noblet.

Principal Onyx Blackman: We're going to be instituting a dress code. (Students groan) Relax, people. They're going to be based on your requests which I'm sure you would have requested had I asked for your requests.

Principal Onyx Blackman: Stop by the nurse's office after lunch to pick up your free uniforms. And then stop by my office to pick up the nutty goodbars that you'll all be selling to pay for your free uniforms.

Mr Chuck Noblet: (to Jerri) You are a big, fat, stupid *zero*, fatty. Jerri Blank: (hurt) Fatty?

Jerri: You never really lose your parents, unless of course they die. And then they're gone forever.

Jerri Blank: You can be rich in family, or friends, or love; but the only thing that matters is being rich in money.

Jerri Blank: Being a virgin is a wonderful and precious thing to hold on to. As long as it doesn't interfere with your having sex.

Jerri Blank: Greeks are just Jews without money!

Jerri Blank: But my vagina's all... puffy.

Mr Chuck Noblet: (to Jerri, who wants to run for Homecoming Queen) You want to hear a little secret? You're only as ugly as we think you are.

Jerri Blank: (to Alan, the blind student) I think it's brave of you wanting to play football. I think it's sexy. It makes me as damp as a cellar down there - all mildewy. Enter if you dare...

Jerri Blank: Do a lot of the people die of syphilis? Mr Chuck Noblet: Oh, absolutely. Historically, syphilis is right up there with Germans. It wiped out the Romanovs, it decimated our fleet at Pearl Harbor, and of course, Fidel Castro impersonated Marilyn Monroe and gave President Kennedy a case of syphilis so severe that eventually it blew the back of his head off.

Principal Onyx Blackman: (to Ricky, the transfer student) Your new-student eyes immediately graze over the firm young flanks of our females. And I won't have it! Capiche, amigo? There's nothing I'd like better than to put you new students back on the boat to where you came from. Comprend-zay vous?

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