Stella
2005
David: It was Mr Mueller, the landlord. Michael: He is such a Nazi. Michael: Michael, not all Germans are Nazis. Michael: That's not my understanding.
David: (to realtor) Shhhhhhhh... Shut up. Just shut up!
David: I haven't laughed that hard since my last business transaction! (laughs)
(repeated line) David, Michael, Michael: That is too funny!
Michael: We can't move... We're in a tableau.
Michael: The global business climate is like... whatever, dude.
David: How's the soup, Michael? Michael: It's good. David: You won't be saying that after I kill you!
Michael: Ladies & gentlemen of the board... all black.
CO-OP Board President: Hiring you boys based on your performance in the potato sack race was the worst decision I ever made!
Michael: I take my coffee like I take my women... strong... black... and proud.
CO-OP Board President: Where are they? It's four o'clock! Amy: I don't know, they left for lunch at 9: 30 and never came back.
Michael: Think of all the great things that have come out of this country! Michael: Rugby. David: Chicken Tikka Masala. Michael: Chinese People. Michael: Ass. David: Harry Potter. Michael: Rubber balls and liquor. Michael: Then I say something.
David: Hey, Mike, it's David. Weren't those guys at the party really mean? Michael: What, who is this? I don't know any Davids! David: David Wain? Michael: Oh... yeah
Michael: You know when Bob Dylan said "I have a dream"?
Michael: (giving his speech to the Residence Board) B, beautiful this building is very beautiful. Michael: U, and you... and you... all of you who live in this beautiful building. Michael: I, Intelligent, because I'm really, really intelligent. Michael: L, Love. I love this building Michael: D, I think there should be a disco ball in the lounge...
Michael: David, do you still have that friend that makes fake moustaches? David: Gary Meadows? Sure. But why? Michael: Trust me. Just trust me.
CO-OP Board Member: Excuse me, boys, but why are you dressed as skunks? Michael: Not skunks... skunk people!
Richard: Could I have some sugar for my coffee? Michael: How about I'm not your bitch.
David: And what about Madonna, is she like a virgin or is she the material girl? I mean this girl's had more re-inventions than Thomas Edison. Michael: She's had more boyfriends than Madonna! Michael: I like English muffins. David: Totally.
Gregg: Woah, woah, woah... sorry, guys... employees only. David: We are employees! Michael: Yeah! We're from the... Houston office. Gregg: Houston? Michael: That's about right, eh? Ansel: I didn't know we had an office in Houston. Michael: Yeah, we play hockey there... with... the prime minister. Michael: ... Pierre Trudeau... Ansel: If you guys are from Houston, why do you have Canadian accents? David: Take off you hosers! Showalter & Black: Yeah!
Michael: (to girl at office party) Touche... you've made worms' meat out of me.
Michael: Hey, guys, check it out. They got brass knuckles. Michael: And numchucks. David: Sweeeeet.
Michael: (looking at Michael and David in strange outfits) Why are you guys dressed like that? Michael: (in a rain poncho) Well, *I'm* dressed for rain. David: (in mountain climbing gear) And *I'm* dressed for snow. Michael: (in a swimsuit) Hey! I'm also wearing a hilarious outfit! Didn't anyone check the weather in the paper this morning?
China: What are you doing? Gary Meadows: Go back to bed, China. China: But I'm bored. Gary Meadows: I said, go back to bed, China! (shouts) Now!
Michael: It's to the point where I don't even feel like I'm Michael Showalter any more, you know? It's like I'm Sainsbury's corporate employee #31427728651127720772132.
Michael: I know there's something out there, but I don't know if I wanna call it "God." Michael: Okay, 'cause like, I believe in God... Michael: Right. Michael: ... but I don't know that I think God is some guy on a throne with a long white beard. Michael: Right. Like to me, God is, like, it could be anything. It could be like... Michael: Literally, it could be this table. Michael: It could be - totally be this table. It *is* the table. Michael: It's like I'm spiritual, but I'm not religious. Do you understand? Michael: I totally - Michael: It's like I can get off spiritually with the sunlight through trees. Michael: Oh, my God...
Girl At Party: I like pain. Michael: I like cookies.
Michael: Would a perfect world have turkeys?
David: Oh, my God! You just shot the mountain man! Michael: I thought it was a turkey, I swear to God! Michael: What are we gonna do? David: Call Marcus. Michael: Yeah, call Marcus. Michael: Who's Marcus? Michael: I don't know, I don't know! Michael: Hey guys, he's still alive! Michael: (Michael Ian Black shoots Mountain Man) Why did you do that! Michael: It was either him or us, Mike! Michael: What are you talking about? David: You guys, we have to call the cops! Michael: No cops, Dave... not on this one! David: What are you talking about? We have to call the cops! Michael: (points gun at David) I said no cops! Michael: Hey, don't do anything stupid, Mikey (points gun at Michael Ian Black) David: Put the gun down, Mike! (points gun at Showalter) Michael: Why are you pointing the gun at me, David? I am trying to help you! David: I know. it's weird. Michael: Put it down... Put it down... Put the gun down. David: Come on! Put the gun down now, Guy, you put it down! Michael: 2. 3. Now, what are we gonna do? (all three throw guns down) David: Without the Mountain Man we are totally lost! Michael: How are we going to survive? We're stuck in these woods with nothing to eat! Michael: (looks at Mountain Man's dead body) I have an idea...
Michael: If you guys don't stop talking about the boogie boards, I'm gonna run this car off the road! David & Michael: Do it! Michael: I will! David & Michael: Do it! Michael: Fine! (Swerves off a cliff)
David: I know I can hunt but can Mike hunt and Mike hunt? Mountain Man: Of course. David: No, no, but you say it. Mountain Man: ... Mike hunt. (Michael, Michael and David giggle) Mountain Man: What are you guys laughing at? All I said is "Mike hunt." What's so funny about "Mike hunt?" (more giggles) Mountain Man: All right, enough!
Michael: (after finding out they are bankrupt) You know what I'm thinking... Maybe throwing money out of the limo wasn't such a good idea.
Old Woman: Everybody make a wish, now. Michael: I wish we had our apartment back. Michael: I wish we had our apartment back. David: I wish I was dry-humping Maggie.
Michael: (to close up their presentation for the Big Account) In conclusion, continued economic growth, building a bridge to the 21st century, Tippy Canoe and Tyler too. Thank you, very much.
Michael: Oh, God, this rat race is killing me. I'm so exhausted. David: I know. I can barely keep my eyes open. Michael: I can barely keep my pee hole open. Michael: My urethra shut down at 4 o'clock today. That's how tired I am.
David: Hey, you remind me of fast food. Blonde Girl: Oh, yeah? Why's that? David: Because I want to take you out... Blonde Girl: (laughs) David: ... and then I want to eat you in my car.
Jane Burroughs: I'm afraid I some have bad news. David: Don't tell me you have crabs. Jane Burroughs: No. David: ... You will.
Michael: I'm cold. Michael: I'm hungry. David: I'm David. (makes fart noise)
Michael: Wow, this is really fun, Mountain Man. Mountain Man: Nature is fun. David: Like boobs? Mountain Man: But it can also be dangerous. Michael: Like fire boobs?
Michael: Dude, if you don't start making sense right now, I'm taking out my wiener and I'm going to slap you down with it!
Michael: Now, come on. We have a date today with a lady named Fun. (pause) She's a Korean lady. (pause) "Fun" is a popular name in Korea.
Michael: I just want to curl up in a ball and die. Michael: I feel the same way. Michael: You're bummed out, right? Michael: No, I want you to curl up in a ball and die.
David: As a child, I was very sickly. I had polio and Alzheimer's and cancer. And lupus. And so, I was usually bed-ridden with at least two of those things.
David: I'm a red-blooded American man with an American thirst for sex!
Michael: Where are we? Michael: Are we in heaven? David: Check to see if there's Godiva chocolates nearby. If there are, then yes, we're in heaven.
Michael: David went to Julliard, Michael. Michael: I don't care where he went! Michael: He's a classical violinist. David: And I'm a classical pianist! Michael: You're a classical dick, is what you are.