Stealing Harvard
2002
Duff: We should make up some fake names. John: Why? Duff: Just in case we have to communicate while we're inside. John: OK. Duff: I wanna be Kyle. I knew this guy at camp. He was maybe 13. He got *two* girls pregnant, man. *Two* girls pregnant. Yea, Kyle. Who you gonna be? John: Steve... Duff: Steve. John: Yeah. Duff: OK, Steve. John: OK, Kyle. (John and Duff continue walking) Duff: Wait. John: What? Duff: I wanna change. I wanna be Steve. John: I'm Steve; You're Karl. Duff: Kyle!
John's Grandmother: Who do you think I am, Albert fuckin' Trump?
John: (coming out of his house) Why didn't you just ring the door bell? Duff: (whispering) I didn't wanna wake the neighbors.
Duff: See those dead plants? I planted those.
Detective Charles: I urge you to drop it.
Duff: I wanted to scope the place out. I was hungry so I decided to heat up a brick of cheese. I need my cheese.
Duff: Maybe we can use slingshots to rob the place. John: A slingshot is not a real weapon, Duff. Duff: Oh, yeah? Well maybe you'd like to define the word "weapon' for me while this plastic doll smashes into your temple at 180 miles per hour.
Elaine: (whispers) He's an asshole. Duff: Mmm... casserole. Elaine: I said asshole. Duff: I heard casserole!
Duff: I'm not goin' in. John: What? Duff: Someone has to watch in case he comes home. John: I thought you said he was going to be out all night. Duff: He *will* be out all night. John: Then why do we need a look-out? Duff: We don't. Just go in. John: You go in. Duff: Look, I'm not the one that needs the money. Why should I assume the risk? John: What risk? Duff: There is no risk. (John shows his mad face and shakes his head) Duff: Just go!
Duff: We're going skiing.
David Loach: Why is anybody talking?
(after Duff has been humped by a dog) Duff: It's a good thing your here officers, because a crime has just been committed.
Duff: I'm not liquid... I'm not... liquid.
Mr Warner: This guy is a lump.
Duff: All right American beef cattle, just stay calm, and you'll all get to go home to your precious TV dinners!
Duff: Elaine... I like her. I like her a lot, John. But she's a bitch! She's a dirty, dumb bitch.
John: Dave! John Plummer. Remember? You used to call me "asshole"? David Loach: I call everybody "asshole." John: Yes, but I believe I was the first. We were five, maybe six at the time? David Loach: Congratulations, asshole. Now get to the point.
Mr Warner: Have you slept with my daughter? John: Mr Warner, I have never slept with Elaine. Mr Warner: Good! Godammit, that's good! Because if you had, John, I was gonna kick your balls up into your head and let them rattle around in your skull like dice in a Yahtzee cup. Have a good one!
John: Nothing could hold a candle to the fetish crime I just endured.