Stargate SG-1
1997
Daniel: She's Hathor, the goddess of fertility, inebriety, and music. Jack O'Neill: Sex, drugs, and rock & roll?
Dr Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: This tastes like chicken. Capt.: So what's wrong with it? Dr Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: It's macaroni and cheese.
(Master Bra'tac comes through the Stargate, walks down the ramp and gives Dr Weir an odd look) Daniel: This is Dr Elizabeth Weir. She's the new leader of this facility. (Dr Weir extends her hand) Dr Elizabeth Weir: Hello. Bra'tac: (concerned) Has Hammond of Texas fallen in battle? Dr Elizabeth Weir: Oh, no sir, he's fine!
Daniel Jackson: I remember when we were first trying to get the Stargate to work, I would come here and just stare at it for hours. Dr Elizabeth Weir: Is that a gentle reminder that you've been an important part of this since the very beginning? Daniel Jackson: Subtle, huh?
Dr Elizabeth Weir: I've been awake all weekend. The reality of this is... It's an adrenaline rush. Daniel Jackson: Hey, at least I know you have a beating heart!
Anubis: I am Anubis. President Hayes: You've got to be kidding!
Anubis: I am Anubis. (President Hayes steps forward) President Hayes: You've got to be kidding! Anubis: You are the leader of this world? President Hayes: Henry Hayes, President of the United States of America, one nation among many. Anubis: No more. Bow before your god. President Hayes: (laughing) I don't think so! However, I am willing to discuss your surrender. Anubis: If you possessed weapons matching mine, you would have used them. President Hayes: Don't let the suit fool you, fella. We're gonna fight you. Anubis: You bring destruction upon yourselves. President Hayes: (pointedly) Never going to happen. (the Anubis hologram disappears and President Hayes turns around to face the others) President Hayes: Too much?
Anubis: I know who you are, Daniel Jackson, but you know not who I am!
Apophis: I am worth far more to you than you will admit. Jack O'Neill: You tell me what are you worth? Apophis: Your people, they are still primitive. They will be destroyed. Jack O'Neill: You don't look like you're up to it. Apophis: Not me. There is another. Jack O'Neill: Yeh? Who? Apophis: There is much you would learn from me, Tau'ri. (breathes heavily) Apophis: But for that knowledge there is a price. (O'Neill rolls his eyes) A new host. Jack O'Neill: (raises his eyebrows) A host? Apophis: So that I may live. In exchange for all the knowledge of the Goa'uld. The secrets of star travel, our weapons, our power. Jack O'Neill: All that. Apophis: In time, more. Jack O'Neill: (leans down further) Go to hell. Apophis: A single human life is worth so much you would risk a world? Jack O'Neill: That's right. That's why they call us the good guys. (Apophis lies back and exhales) (Directed at Fraiser, but still looking at Apophis) Doc, let me know when he dies.
(in an alternate timeline, Teal'c, who is the still the First Prime of Apophis, brings Daniel Jackson before his master) Apophis: Who are you? Dr Daniel Jackson: Name's Daniel Jackson. Uh, if you give me back my eyeglasses, I could actually see you. Teal'c: He claims he is of the Tau'ri. Dr Daniel Jackson: You weren't supposed to tell him that. Apophis: The Tau'ri have no Chaapa'ai. Dr Daniel Jackson: Oh! Sorry, guess I was wrong. I'm sure your information is correct and ... In fact, I'm usually quite wrong, quite unreliable actually. To be honest with you, I'm insane. Apophis: I think there is much you can tell me. Dr Daniel Jackson: Well, if you wanna know about the early settlements of Mesopotamia, I am somewhat of an expert...
(versions of Jack O'Neill, Samantha Carter and Teal'c have travelled back in time to Egypt in the year 2995 B.C. where they meet the Daniel Jackson of the original timeline) Daniel Jackson: Well, this can't be a good sign. Jack O'Neill: Why's that? Daniel Jackson: Where am I? Jack O'Neill: Ancient Egypt? Daniel Jackson: No, I mean the me from your timeline. Teal'c: I killed you. Daniel Jackson: Why? Teal'c: You were a Goa'uld spy. Daniel Jackson: Good reason. Sam Carter: It was horrible. Daniel Jackson: (not really interested) Yeah, I'm sure. Why are you here? Jack O'Neill: Yes, excellent question. Daniel Jackson: You don't know? Jack O'Neill: Well, I thought I did, there, for a while, and then I realised I... didn't. Daniel Jackson: Well, I know why I'm here. Jack O'Neill: Good! Let's start there.
Jack O'Neill: (Hammond has accepted O'Neill's offer of a beer) I hope you like Guinness, sir. It's a perfect substitute for... food.
Jack O'Neill: If it weren't for SG-1, you'd be sitting here with a snake in your head, instead of with your head up your a (gets cut off) General Bauer: Enough, Colonel!
(Anubis raises his hand to activate the weapon) Daniel Jackson: Stop! (Her'ak, Anubis' First Prime, fires his staff weapon at Daniel but the blast passes through him. Anubis rises from his throne) Anubis: Stop me, if you can. (Her'ak kneels behind them. Daniel raises his hands and they start to glow) Anubis: Strike me down! Do it now or I will destroy Abydos! (Daniel raises his hands higher and directs the energy at Anubis. It appears to be blown back as Anubis raises his hand to defend himself) Daniel Jackson: No! Don't do this! (Daniel is spirited away. Her'ak looks terrified) Her'ak: (to Anubis) You are indeed all-powerful, my lord. Anubis: What you just saw was not my doing. (Her'ak seems confused. Anubis once again sits down) Anubis: However, this is! (He activates the weapon. It focuses on Abydos. A beam of energy is directed at the pyramid)
Sam Carter: The only thing we can assume is that Anubis didn't keep his deal with Daniel. Jack O'Neill: That's a shock, eh?
Anubis: You are the one they call "Thor." I am Anubis. Thor: As I have told your lieutenant, I will reveal nothing to you. (Anubis holds up a round device with spikes on it. It resembles a miniature mace) Anubis: This device will be implanted into your brain, it will form a link between your mind and the ship's computer. Your knowledge will simply be downloaded into our memory banks. You will no doubt resist... and you will no doubt fail. Thor: The Goa'uld possess no such technology. (Anubis turns to face Thor and reveals that there is some kind of black sludge or a black version of the Stargate event horizon) Anubis: I think you will find many things have changed since my return.
Daniel Jackson: So we'd be looking for a needle in a haystack. Thor: A haystack of infinite size. Daniel Jackson: That's big.
Oma Desala: There is only one thing we can ever truly control. Daniel: What's that? Oma Desala: Whether we are good, or evil.
Capt.: Daniel, show me an anthropologist that dresses like this and I will eat this headdress.
Teal'c: The destruction of the hammer device in order to save my life may have caused this. If so, I am responsible. Colonel: General, I gave the order. Dr Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: I fired the staff weapon. Capt.: And... I was there.
Colonel: Do you read The Bible, Teal'c? Teal'c: It is a signigicant part of your culture. Have you not read The Bible, O'Neill? Colonel: Of course... Actually I'm listening to it on tape. Don't tell me how it ends.
Capt.: Sir, if you don't mind, your wound is bleeding all over my lab.
Colonel: I hope you diplomatically told him where to shove it.
Capt.: Where's Daniel? Colonel: Ernest is showing him a new toy. Capt.: Really, what? Colonel: Just some fancy light show that may be the key to the universe or something.
Capt.: I've just never blown up a star before. Colonel: Well they say the first one is always the hardest.
Colonel: It's time for Plan B. Capt.: We have a Plan B? Colonel: No, but it's time for one.
Baal: You dare mock me? Colonel: Come on Ba'al, you should know. Of course I dare mock you.
(repeated line) Colonel: Oh for crying out loud!
Capt.: (repeated line) Holy Hannah!
Colonel: (Jacob is under the impression that what's being done at the Cheyenne Mountain Complex is actually their cover-story of Deep Space Radar Telemetry) I retired myself once. I couldn't stay away. Jacob Carter: I could see how Deep Space Radar Telemetry could have that effect. Colonel: (flatly) Well, it's just so damn fascinating.
Capt.: Maybourne, you are an idiot everyday of the week, why couldn't you have taken just this one day off?
Sam Carter: You know, you blow up one sun and suddenly everyone expects you to walk on water.
Jack O'Neill: (Stuck in a continous time loop with Teal'c) If it were just me, I'd understand, but what about Teal'c? Come on, is this the face of a crazy man?
Jack O'Neill: What kind of archaeologist carries a gun? Daniel: Uh, I do. Jack O'Neill: Okay, bad example.
Jack O'Neill: I ask you, what could possibly be in my eye that could explain all this?
Jack O'Neill: Handing in my resignation. Samantha Carter: Resigning? What for? Jack O'Neill: So I can do this... (kisses Sam)
Sam Carter: When you told Colonel O'Neill to wait 5 minutes, you were really telling him 6 hours, maybe more! General George S. Hammond: Captain, relativity gives me a headache!
(Carter is going on about time and relativity) Colonel Frank Cromwell: Man, she is... Jack O'Neill: Way smarter than we are. I know.
Daniel Jackson: (Replicator Sam is going through the Ancient knowledge in Daniel's subconcious) You can't handle it, can you? Samantha Carter: I can. I just need time to process, share it with the others. Daniel Jackson: Like the universe it's infinite. It's not just knowledge and information, it's understanding on a level you'll never reach. Samantha Carter: Why do you think that? Daniel Jackson: Because you're a machine. Samantha Carter: So are you. Just of weaker construction. Daniel Jackson: And that's where you're wrong. Samantha Carter: We'll see.
Daniel Jackson: You lied to me. Samantha Carter: What? Daniel Jackson: You promised you'd leave earth alone, there's replicators infiltrating the SGC right now. Samantha Carter: How can you know that? (Moment of silence) While I was in your mind, you were inside mine. Daniel Jackson: Took a while to figure out, fortunatly you were too distracted to notice. Some of the Ancient knowledge really helped too, thank you. Samantha Carter: You tricked me. Daniel Jackson: You tricked me first. Samantha Carter: You should never have told me. Daniel Jackson: Too late. For you that is. (Replicator Sam attempts to hit him, and he grabs her arm) Trying to leave? Sorry, a little more time in Danny's world. Samantha Carter: My brethren will not stop. You cannot control them. Daniel Jackson: Not yet. But I'm learning.
Janet Fraiser: (after traveling through the Stargate to help with a medical emergency) Now *this* is a house call.
Teal'c: What is an Oprah?
Sam Carter: Daniel, when you were in this alternate reality, were there differences? Daniel: Yes. Er, Teal'c was leading the attack on Earth, I wasn't even part of the program, you and Jack were engaged to get married... Jack O'Neill: Excuse me? Sam Carter: What... ok, er, even if you did experience this alternate reality, doesn't the very fact there were differences mean that we won't face the same fate? Daniel: Yes. But the defining event, the death of Ra, took place in both worlds. Teal'c: An attack of retribution. Daniel: Yes. And the same thing is going to happen here unless we stop it. Jack O'Neill: All right. Wait a minute. Let me get something straight here. Engaged? Sam Carter: It's theoretically possible. Jack O'Neill: It's against regulations. Sam Carter: I'm talking physics, sir.
(Sam, Teal'c and Jonas are sitting in a restaurant/coffee shop located in a small town, where they are investigating the disappearance of Richard Flemming) Jonas: Don't tell me you haven't noticed how strange the people have been acting around here. Sam Carter: What are you talking about? Jonas: Well for instance, that man there right behind Teal'c, he doesn't realize it, but he just put eight cubes of sugar into his coffee, and that lady over at the counter, she's been reading the same article for half an hour. Since we sat down, that waitress has dropped her tray twice and the cook has done three wrong orders INCLUDING my hamburger, which I ordered medium rare, but is in fact well done. It's like the whole town is half asleep.
Teal'c: Things will not calm down, Daniel Jackson. They will in fact calm up.
Sam Carter: Why do I feel like I'm in a women behind bars movie?
Sam Carter: I'm an Air Force officer just like you are, Colonel. And just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn't mean I can't handle whatever you can handle. Jack O'Neill: Oh, this has nothing to do with you being a woman. I like women. I've just got a little problem with scientists. Sam Carter: Well, Colonel, I logged over 100 hours over enemy airspace during the Gulf War. Is that tough enough for you... or are we going to have to arm wrestle?
General George S. Hammond: It costs nearly a billion dollars just to turn the lights on around here. Jack O'Neill: How about a bake sale? Yard sale? Garage... General George S. Hammond: This is what I look like when I'm not laughing, Colonel. Jack O'Neill: Car wash?
Daniel: This is the Hall of Might? Gairwyn: You were expecting something different? Daniel: Well, uh-huh. Maybe a hall.
Daniel: I think they're a family. Jack O'Neill: Of what?
Jack O'Neill: I just walked in with a handfull of ingredients for my world-famous omelette! Sam Carter: World-famous huh? What's in it? Jack O'Neill: Eggs. Sam Carter: I don't think that that actually qualifies as a recipe. Jack O'Neill: Oh don't kid yourself, there's a secret ingredient I can't tell you what it is or I'd have to shoot you. Sam Carter: It's beer isn't it?
Bert: What about the Furlings? Are we ever gonna hear about them? Gordy: Furlings? That sounds cute. Like Ewoks.
Gordy: See. I'm not sure you should have sent in this one about Seth. It wasn't one of your best. Bert: They rejected "Hathor"? Oh but it was gold!
Joe Spencer: What do you think the problem is? Tell me. (with the SG-1 stories Joe writes) Charlene: Well for one, it seems to me like the team interaction isn't what it used to be in the beginning.
Daniel: Jack? Jack O'Neill: s a barber. Daniel: Walk into your house? Jack O'Neill: yeah... Daniel: Second week in a row. Jack O'Neill: Mmmh hmm Daniel: Alarm. Jack O'Neill: I'm thinking 'dog'. Joe Spencer: You could try locking your front door.
Dr Svetlana Markov: If you're insinuating that every Russian-made is of poor quality, the sub is Swiss. Daniel: So it occasionally catches fire but keeps perfect time?... I'm sorry, I must be hanging Jack O'Neill too much.
(the pressure gauges on the Swiss-made, Russian minisub seem to be malfunctioning) Daniel: ... But it's Swiss.
Jack O'Neill: He still thinks I'm a Goa'uld, right? Daniel Jackson: Yeah, I think so. What are you going to do? Jack O'Neill: Watch. (Stands up and walks toward the gate) Jack O'Neill: Jaffa. Kree. Major General Trofsky: (Long sentence of Goa'uld vernacular) Jack O'Neill: Uh... Didn't you hear me? I said Kree.
Daniel: Wow, this place is incredible. It's like we just stepped into the citadel at Mycenae. Jack O'Neill: I thought you said it was Greek. Daniel: Oh, Mycenae was an ancient city in the Southern Peloponnesian region. Jack O'Neill: Where's that? Daniel: Greece. Jack O'Neill: Why do I do that?
Daniel: Can you do me a favor? Could you keep an eye on this plant thing for me? Teal'c: I will keep both of my eyes on it, Daniel Jackson.
Jack O'Neill: So Merrin, I understand you're a reactor expert. Merrin: Yes. Jack O'Neill: How old are you? Merrin: I am eleven. How old are you? Jack O'Neill: So... Merrin, I understand you're a reactor expert.
Sam Carter: Sir, he's not Goa'uld. Jack O'Neill: And? But? So? Therefore?
Aris Boch: Dr Jackson, if you don't mind treating my wound. Daniel Jackson: I'm an archaeologist. Aris Boch: I know, but you're also a doctor... Daniel Jackson: ... Of archaeology.
Sam Carter: How do you keep from getting killed? Aris Boch: It takes talents. Jack O'Neill: So... how do you keep from getting killed?
Jack O'Neill: Do you read the Bible, Teal'c? Teal'c: It is a significant part of your Western culture. Have you not read the Bible, O'Neill? Jack O'Neill: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Not all of it. Actually, I'm listening to it on tape. Don't tell me how it ends.
Daniel: It was a procedure often done in the Middle Ages. They... well, they'd drill a hole in the person's head. By drilling a hole the evil spirits are released, thus saving the person from eternal damnation. Jack O'Neill: Thus... *saving* the person? Daniel: Well, they didn't call them the Dark Ages because it was dark.
Jack O'Neill: How's a needle in my butt going to get water out of my ear?
(to a nurse with a needle) Jack O'Neill: Listen, really jam it in this time, okay?
Narim: No harm will come to you. The Tollan will guarantee it. Jack O'Neill: Is that a "money back if you're not completely alive" guarantee?
Teal'c: Appearances may be deceiving. Jack O'Neill: One man's ceiling is another man's floor. Daniel: A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell. Jack O'Neill: Never run with... scissors?
Captain Kyle Rogers: You are all casualties until 1400 hours. Jack O'Neill: Would that be Daylight Savings or Standard?
Jack O'Neill: So what's your impression of Alar? Teal'c: That he is concealing something. Jack O'Neill: Like what? Teal'c: I am unsure - he is concealing it.
Jack O'Neill: Listen. Um, I gotta ask you something. It's not easy for me. Major Charles Kawalsky: We're friends. Jack O'Neill: If you don't make it... can I have your stereo?
Sam Carter: Where's Daniel? Jack O'Neill: Oh, Ernest is showing him a new toy. Sam Carter: Really? What? Jack O'Neill: Some fancy light show that may be the key to our existence or something like that.
Doctor: I've had a great deal of success with hypnosis. Jack O'Neill: Hypnosis. You know, I'm not a big fan of that bark like a chicken, cluck like a dog stuff.
Jack O'Neill: Is mental illness contagious?
Daniel: That's interesting. I wonder if everyone's coming from some religious event. Jack O'Neill: Why does it always have to be a religious thing with you? Maybe they're coming from a swap meet.
(Carter and O'Neill lie close to one another for warmth) Sam Carter: Sir? Jack O'Neill: It's my sidearm, I swear.
Jack O'Neill: It's true Michael. We came to Earth to hide among your people a long, long time ago. Daniel: From a galaxy far, far away.
Daniel: So what's the plan? Jack O'Neill: Find the stargate. Daniel: Find the stargate? That's the plan? Jack O'Neill: Elegant in its simplicity, don't you think?
Jack O'Neill: Teal'c, you don't have to stick around. Teal'c: Undomesticated equines could not remove me. Jack O'Neill: Wild horses, Teal'c.
Sam Carter: It took us fifteen years and three supercomputers to MacGyver a way to power the gate.
Sam Carter: They built their own stargate? Daniel: Waaay smarter than us. Jack O'Neill: Ours is bigger.
(O'Neill gets Teal'c to join him at his cabin for fishing. O'Neill sits and tells Teal'c about fishing as Teal'c stands holding his pole as he does a staff weapon) Teal'c: There appears to be no fish here, O'Neill. Jack O'Neill: Its not about the actual fish, themselves. Fish are not important in this context, its about FISHING, the act of fishing itself. Teal'c: I see. (a cell phone starts ringing) Jack O'Neill: You didn't? Teal'c: By request of General Hammond. Jack O'Neill: (Answering phone as Teal'c slaps a mosquito) WHAT?... Yes Daniel, he's right here, please hold. (O'Neill hands the phone to Teal'c) Teal'c: Daniel Jackson... we have caught nothing, we are fishing. (Daniel asks for a translation) Teal'c: "Banished to oblivion." Daniel Jackson: Thank you Teal'c: If you require assistance, I would be more the happy to return to the SGC (O'Neill looks annoyed) Teal'c: Are you sure? Jack O'Neill: (taking the phone) Good bye Daniel. (O'Neill removes the phone battery, and throws it into the lake)
Daniel Jackson: There's no easy way to tell you this, so Sam's just going to come out and say it! Sam Carter: Well, Sir, you know the Asgard use cloning technology... Young Jack O'Neill: Oh, Please! Teal'c: You have been cloned, O'Neill Young Jack O'Neill: (Turning to face them) What!
Teal'c: (in Jack's body) The mission did not go as planned. Jack O'Neill: (sarcastically, in Teal'c's body) Ya think?
Jack O'Neill: (after a group of trainees fail a battle simulation) Okay! We're all dead, and there's an armed Goa'uld running around the base! I have a problem with that! Does anyone else have a problem with that?
Jack O'Neill: I'd like to apologize in advance for anything that I may say or do that could be construed as offensive as I slowly go NUTS. "
Bra'tac: We die well. Teal'c: More than that, old friend. We die free.
Doctor: Well, he's not human. Jack O'Neill: Ya think?
Jack O'Neill: This is the infamous tuna torture.
Jack O'Neill: That's O'Neill with two L's, the other one has no sense of humor.
Jack O'Neill: They put that damn memory thing on me. And then they gave me something that reminded me of the '70s.
Jack O'Neill: For Crying Out Loud.
Jack O'Neill: Then by all means... To Hell with us...
Colonel Harry Maybourne: If you hit me, I'll have you court-martialed, Colonel. Jack O'Neill: I'm not gonna hit you, Maybourne. I'm gonna shoot you.
Jack O'Neill: I'm Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise.
Daniel: Why are you so quick to jump to the conclusion that I'm crazy? That I'm dangerous and out of control? It's because I'm kinda acting that way, aren't I?
Jack O'Neill: Teal'c, look scary and take point.
Linea: There are many forms of power, my dear. Some are more subtle than others. Jack O'Neill: Well, for the moment we just need the electrical kind.
Commander Rigar: Let us talk about your friend in the woods. Jack O'Neill: I have no friends... in the woods or otherwise.
Jack O'Neill: Hey, Rigar. You know that "we come in peace" business? Bite me.
Sam Carter: Normally neutrinos pass right through ordinary matter, no matter how dense. I mean, something like five hundred million billion just passed through you. Jack O'Neill: No matter how dense.
Jack O'Neill: Hey, if you'd been listening you'd know that Nintendos pass through everything. Daniel: I heard. Jack O'Neill: Everything.
Daniel: You could fit every pyramid on Earth inside this thing and still have room to spare. Jack O'Neill: Can you imagine heating this place?
Jack O'Neill: Fancy that. We're famous.
(Osiris wants to know what has happened during his three thousand year hibernation) Osiris: Where is my brother Setesh? Daniel: You mean Seth? He's dead, we killed him. Osiris: You lie. Daniel: No, no... we also killed Ra, and Hathor, and who else... Sokar.
(Teal'C and Jack are repeating the same day and only they remember it. They decide to play golf into an active Stargate wormhole) Jack O'Neill: How far away is this planet? Teal'c: Several hundred light-years. Jack O'Neill: That's gotta be a record. (Jack golfs again) General George S. Hammond: (They golf again later, and Hammond catches them) Jack, what the hell are you doing? Jack O'Neill: (Jack screws up his golf swing) In the middle of my BACKSWING!
Jack O'Neill: Just give me some kind of warning. Teal'c: I'm going to shoot you. Jack O'Neill: I was thinking more along the lines of "On Three".
Jack O'Neill: I'd rather have died myself than lose Carter. Anise: Why? Jack O'Neill: Because I care about her. Way more than I'm supposed to.
Jack O'Neill: Permission to barge in, Sir.
(Teal'c has started hallucinating about his wife) Teal'c: Do not test my temper, woman. Daniel Jackson: Woman? Did he just call me a woman? Jack O'Neill: Yes, I believe he did.
Teal'c: Are you considering the strategy I'm considering? Jack O'Neill: The clichÈ is "Are you thinking what I'm thinking? " And yes, I am.
Jack O'Neill: Excuse me, but I distinctly remember you saying we're not going to make it. Looks like we made it. Jacob Carter/Selmak: So? Jack O'Neill: So, maybe next time you could reserve your judgment. Jacob Carter/Selmak: And miss the last opportunity I might ever have at being right?
Jack O'Neill: Excuse me, I distinctly remember someone saying "We're not gonna make it!" I think we made it. Jacob Carter: I'm sorry, I overreacted. At the time, it looked very much like we weren't going to make it. Jack O'Neill: Yeah, well, maybe next time, you'll just wait and see. Jacob Carter: And blow the last chance I might ever have to be right?
(in an alternate timeline, Carter is practicing what she wants to say to her male boss) Sam Carter: Just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn't - God that's horrible! Who would ever say that?
Jim: (laughing at Daniel, after he tries to rush Jim/Anubis in the "Ascended Café") You can't stop me. You don't have the power. Oma Desala: But *I* do. Jim: You can't stop me. Oma Desala: I can *fight* you. Jim: Well, you can't win. Oma Desala: It won't matter. You won't be able to do anything but fight me back. Jim: What're you gonna do? Oma Desala: Something I should've done a long time ago. (attacks Jim/Anubis)
Vala Malduran: I know nothing about your fair planet... other than it seems to have a rather interesting if somewhat limited gene pool. (looks at Daniel and Col Mitchell)
Vala Malduran: I had to tell you in person. I'm pregnant... Pretty sure it's yours, anyway. There's at least a one in-hmmm-ten chance. (winks at Col Mitchell)
Hank Landry: A general is only as good as the people he commands. Jack O'Neill: Who said that? Hank Landry: I just did.
Vala Malduran: (when Mitchell is having trouble convincing the other members of SG-1 to return to the SGC) Try playing hard-to-get. Cameron Mitchell: Yeah, look who's talking.
Vala Malduran: (when they walk into the room on the Prometheus that Vala and Daniel previously fought in) Well, this brings back memories. Dr Daniel Jackson: Really, how so? Vala Malduran: Isn't this where I beat you up? Dr Daniel Jackson: (defensively) No. Vala Malduran: No, I'm pretty sure this is where I crushed your - Cameron Mitchell: Excuse me!
Cameron Mitchell: Ladies first. Vala Malduran: (turns to Daniel) Well, then, after you.
Waitress: What can I get you? Jack O'Neill: Three of the biggest stakes you've got. Capt.: Me too. And French fries with mine. Capt.: Oh, and a diet soda.
Jack O'Neill: I remembered something. There's a man. He is bald and wears a short sleeve shirt. And somehow, he is important to me... I think his name is... Homer.
Jack O'Neill: Do you people *practice* being vague?
Daniel: You know, I've never been on a stakeout before. Shouldn't we have, like... donuts or something?
Hu'rak: No matter what you have endured, you've never experienced the likes of what Anubis is capable of. Jack O'Neill: You ended that sentence with a preposition, bastard.
General George S. Hammond: You ever think of writing a book about your exploits in the line of duty? Jack O'Neill: I've thought about it. But then I'd have to shoot anyone that actually read it.
Sam Carter: Think about it...
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, I thought we were going with "Red Leader" on this one.
Sam Carter: (in episode# 113, "Hathor") (after clubbing General Hammond on the back of the head and knocking him unconsious) Yeah, my career is over. Dr Janet Fraiser: Don't worry about it. I can fix him up as good as new when this thing is over. Sam Carter: Great. So he can bring me up on charges.
Eamon: (after his species has been accused of dominating humans and stopping his bosses chances for advancement) Eamon: Maybe the reason you have been passed over for advancement so many times, is not because you are human, but because you are a moron.
Jack O'Neill: Well, we're off to see the Wizard.
Daniel: Wait a minute, you're actually saying that you need someone... dumber than you are? Jack O'Neill: You may have come to the right place.
Daniel: Their whole world is in flames - and we're offering them gasoline. How does that help? Teal'c: We are in fact offering water. Jack O'Neill: Thank you. Daniel: I was speaking metaphorically. Jack O'Neill: Well stop it. It's not fair to Teal'c.
Jack O'Neill: Weren't we just somewhere else? Daniel: Where? Jack O'Neill: Some planet. Daniel: When? Jack O'Neill: Just now. Daniel: No. Jack O'Neill: Sure? Daniel: Yeah.
Jack O'Neill: I distinctly remember sitting here, listening to Carter prattle on about solar activity and a... corona... something. Sam Carter: Coronal mass emissions - I was just about to bring it up. Jack O'Neill: There you go, how would I know that? Sam Carter: Maybe you read my report. Daniel: Maybe he *read* your report?
Teal'c: If you once again try to harm me or one of my companions, my patience with you will expire.
Jack O'Neill: I can save these people. Help me. *Help me*. Teal'c: Many have said that. But you are the first I believe could do it.
Colonel Harry Maybourne: Teal'c. It's good to see you well. Teal'c: In my culture, I would be well within my rights to dismember you.
Thor: The Asgard would never invent a weapon that propels small weights of iron and carbon alloys, by igniting a powder of potassium nitrate, charcoal and sulphur.
(on a mine) Sam Carter: Ok, it's flashing green. Is that good? Daniel: No Sam Carter: Bad? Daniel: Bad Sam Carter: How bad? Daniel: Very bad. Sam Carter: DAD!
Daniel: I just hope we don't regret giving them those gate addresses. Jack O'Neill: I don't think we will... the first one being a black hole, and all. They get progressively darker after that.
Colonel Harry Maybourne: Gonna turn me in? Jack O'Neill: Actually, that overwhelming desire to shoot you has come back.
Cassandra: Dominique is waiting. Dr Janet Fraiser: Fine. Invite him in. I'm sure he'd love to have a piece of cake that Sam went through all the trouble to bake. Sam Carter: "Buy. " Dr Janet Fraiser: Bring.
K'Tano: I honor he who would kill his god. And to his brethren of the Tau'ri, slayers of Ra, Hathor, Satesh, Heru'ur, Sokar, Cronus and Apophis. Jack O'Neill: Well... somebody's been keeping score!
(O'Neill bangs his fist on a filing cabinet) Jack O'Neill: D'oh! Teal'c: What is it, O'Neill? Jack O'Neill: I forgot to tape The Simpsons! (Teal'c raises his eyebrow) Jack O'Neill: It's important... to me.
Jack O'Neill: D'oh! Teal'c: What is wrong, O'Neil? Jack O'Neill: I forgot to tape The Simpsons... It's important to me.
Daniel Jackson: I agree with Sam. We don't know enough about what happened on that planet, yet. Colonel Frank Simmons: Need I remind you, Dr Jackson, the dangers that we're trying to defend the Earth against? Daniel Jackson: Oh, uh. could you? I mean, go slow.
Sam Carter: The asteroid has an irregular shape, but we've calculated its length from end to end to be approximately 137 kilometers. Jack O'Neill: I've seen this movie. It hits Paris.
Major Vallarin: Wait here. Daniel Jackson: Yes, you go down the dark hallway alone and I'll wait here in the dark room alone.
Jack O'Neill: The hell with culture. A member of my team has been neutralized. That's a hostile act. Daniel: How is it that you always come up with the worst case scenario? Jack O'Neill: I practice.
Thor: This is your prison. Your technology will not function here. There are no luxuries... no worshipers... no slaves... Jack O'Neill: Teal'c, I think we just got the answering machine. Thor: Only basic sustenance... and time. Jack O'Neill: Well - thanks... for the chat.
Daniel: This was transferred from film of experiments done on the Gate in 1945. You don't find that the least bit intriguing? Jack O'Neill: Oh yeah. Nothing piques my interest more than repeated failure.
Jack O'Neill: Actually, it's called the Accretion Disk. Daniel: Well, I guess it's easy to understand why the local population would be afraid of something like that... *what* did you just say? Jack O'Neill: It's just an astronomical term. Sam Carter: You didn't think the Colonel had a telescope on his roof just to look at the neighbors, did you? Jack O'Neill: Not initially.
Teal'c: The Goa'uld visit here regularly. It is one of their favorite places to harvest hosts for Goa'uld absorption. Daniel: You know, I wish you wouldn't say 'harvest'. We're talking about human beings not... Brussels sprouts.
Senator Kinsey: If they're so strong, why did you switch sides in the first place? Teal'c: Because, what is right cannot be measured in strength.
Teal'c: The destruction of the hammer device to save my life may have caused this. If so, I am responsible. Jack O'Neill: General, I gave the order. Daniel: And I fired the staff at the machine. Sam Carter: And I was... there.
Saroosh/Selmak: Selmak is a wondeful Tok'ra. She is selfless and caring; she is good company; she has a wonderful sense of humor. Sam Carter: Well, that's good Dad. You can sit around for hours cracking yourself up.
Jack O'Neill: All right, we came here in peace, we expect to go in one... piece.
Jack O'Neill: Captain Carter, Colonel Cromwell. He's come to rescue us. But I wouldn't count on it.
Jack O'Neill: (testing Daniel to see if he's an imposter) All right. Describe for me the dress your sister wore last week when I took her out. Daniel: I don't have a sister, Jack, and if I did I wouldn't let you near her.
Jack O'Neill: What do you want? Apophis: To live. Jack O'Neill: I can't help you there. That's between you and your god. Oh, wait a minute. You are your god. That's a problem.
Daniel: Well maybe you can try coming up with something better than inappropriate sarcasm. Jack O'Neill: You want sarcasm? Nice to meet you.
Major Robert Thornbird: Some sort of state secret? Jack O'Neill: No. Just difficult to pronounce.
Jack O'Neill: He also wanted me to tell you that the whole, "invasion of the Tau'ri" idea has been cancelled due to... rain. Master Teal'c, might I suggest that we spare them this time? Teal'c: Very well... underling.
Captain Kyle Rogers: My lord? Jack O'Neill: Actually, we just call him General Hammond. General George S. Hammond: I'd like to debrief ASAP, Colonel. Jack O'Neill: Yes, my lord.
Daniel: Let me ask you a question. Who would you trust with your life more than anyone else in the world? Don't worry, I won't be offended if you don't pick me.could it be Teal'c? Jack O'Neill: Sure. Daniel: Ah, Teal'c, refresh my memory. What was your previous occupation? Teal'c: I was First Prime of Apophis. Daniel: Right. Did a few nasty things back then?
Sam Carter: Maybourne, you are an idiot everyday of the week, couldn't you have taken just this one day off?
Jack O'Neill: What now? Teal'c: I have read of a place where humans do battle in a ring of JELL-O. Jack O'Neill: Call Daniel.
Bra'tac: The Hakt'yl are grateful for your generosity and patience. Jack O'Neill: Well, you know me. Always willing to help those who... need help. Bra'tac: You are indeed a wise and gracious leader, O'Neill of Minnesota. Jack O'Neill: Sit down you old coot.
Bra'tac: (a practice wedding between Ray'c and Kar'yn just went sour) I can see why one must rehearse these events.
(SG-1 is discussing the 4 of them attacking a Goa'uld planet) Teal'c: I believe a "medical attack" could be successful. Jack O'Neill: Surgical attack, Teal'c, it's called a "surgical attack."
Teal'c: Colonel O'Neill has officially informed that I have my... "mojo"... back.
General George S. Hammond: Can these devices be removed? Dr Janet Fraiser: Not without causing irreparable brain damage, sir. Jack O'Neill: What's the down side?
Daniel: Actually, General, the Tollan refused to give us any technology. Jack O'Neill: Offered us a nice fruit basket though.
General George S. Hammond: As long as I am in command of the SGC, we will hold ourselves to the highest ethical standard. Jack O'Neill: And when the Goa'uld wipe us out because we have nothing with which to defend ourselves, I'm sure we'll all feel great about ourselves and our high moral standard.
Jack O'Neill: Come to retrieve your vastly superior stuff? You know it'd be a lot more superior if it wasn't so easy to steal.
Jack O'Neill: ... I do appreciate that you were the one to come and see if I was okay. That... that means something. Daniel: Ah... actually, no, it doesn't. Jack O'Neill: No? Daniel: Um... we, ah, we drew straws. I lost.
Commander Rigar: Wormhole? Jack O'Neill: Giant worms. Huge.
Thor: The Replicators were brought aboard an Asgard ship, for study, before the danger could be fully comprehended. Jack O'Neill: We do that all the time. Kind of expected more from you guys.
Teal'c: (as he steps out into space) One small step for Jaffa...
Jack O'Neill: Well if you're looking for help translating it - you're barking up the wrong genius.
Jack O'Neill: I suppose you expect my male bravado to kick in right now? Dr Svetlana Markov: I've read your file.
Sam Carter: Question is, will they listen? Jack O'Neill: Well, the real question is, will they have ears?
General Vidrine: How does she fly, son? Teal'c: The vehicle performed within expected parameters. Jack O'Neill: Woohoo... Sorry Sir. I couldn't help but get caught up in Teal'c's enthusiasm.
Daniel: Well, we were kind of hoping you'd "beam them out. " Jacob Carter/Selmak: Beam them out? What am I - Scotty?
Jonas: You instructed every replicator out there to come to you? Jack O'Neill: I have a theory why you lost the war...
Jack O'Neill: They didn't go for it. Sam Carter: They didn't approve the mission? Jack O'Neill: Well no, they did THAT. Once they knew the stakes and the whole fate of the universe stuff, both the President and Hammond realized we had no choice. They wish us luck, God speed and all those things he says when he thinks we're gonna die. Sam Carter: So what didn't they go for? Jack O'Neill: The name I suggested. Sam Carter: For the ship? Jack O'Neill: Yeah. Sam Carter: Yeah. Sir... we can't call it the "Enterprise" Jack O'Neill: Why not?
Jack O'Neill: What is it with you people? Time machines are nothin' but trouble. Even we know that.
First: I never expected that you would amuse me. Jack O'Neill: I never expected you to put your hand in my head.
Colonel Harry Maybourne: Hi, Jack. Jack O'Neill: You rat bastard. Colonel Harry Maybourne: Hey, hey, hey... take it easy. Jack O'Neill: I am SO gonna kick your ass.
Colonel Harry Maybourne: If you need me, I'm at the Accent Inn checked in under the name of Cassidy. Jack O'Neill: David or Shaun? Colonel Harry Maybourne: Butch.
Sam Carter: Well, if the DHD could have prevented the problem, maybe the DHD can also fix it. Is there any chance that you could get the Russians to give us their DHD? Daniel: Not without giving back Alaska.
Rodney McKay: I wish I didn't find you so attractive. I've always had a real weakness for dumb blondes. Sam Carter: Go suck a lemon. Rodney McKay: Very sexy. Very, very sexy.
(after the DHD explodes) Daniel: Well, that never happened in any of the simulations.
Jack O'Neill: We brought pizza and a movie. Teal'c: Star Wars. Jack O'Neill: He's seen it, what? Eight times? Teal'c: Nine. Jack O'Neill: Nine times. If Teal'c likes it, it's gotta be okay. Sam Carter: You've never seen Star Wars? Jack O'Neill: Well, you know me and sci-fi...
Jack O'Neill: So... what do you want to do now? Teal'c: I have read that there is a place where warriors do battle in Jell-O. Jack O'Neill: Call Daniel.
Sam Carter: We kicked their asses, sir. Jack O'Neill: They had asses?
Teal'c: If I were still loyal to the Goa'uld, you would know it. Colonel Frank Simmons: Really? Teal'c: It would be immediately apparent, as I would not hesitate to kill you where you sit.
Daniel: Wow, this coffee's great! Sam Carter: I was just thinking that. Jack O'Neill: Yeah, is that cinnamon? Daniel: Chicory (Teal'c unscrews the lid from the coffee pot and drinks the contents) Sam Carter: Teal'c! Jack O'Neill: Isn't that hot? Teal'c: Extremely. (the others look shocked) General George S. Hammond: Just stay on the base. We're going to need to keep and eye on you for the time being. Daniel: I feel fine. Teal'c: As do I, DANIEL Jackson. General George S. Hammond: For someone who just drank a half gallon of steaming hot coffee? Jack O'Neill: Right.
(Jonas is having a burger, fries, and milkshake for lunch. Sam arrives just in time to see him dunk a fry in the shake and eat it) Sam Carter: Nice... lunch. Jonas: mmmm. I'm really starting to enjoy this "traditional American food". Sam Carter: We have another tradition. It's called "hardened arteries".
Jack O'Neill: The Goa'uld are coming, Senator! Senator Kinsey: Then I think they'll be sorry that they took on the US Army! Daniel: (sarcastically) Right. We'll just upload a virus into their mothership.
Sam Carter: (Sam talks technobabble and Daniel Yawns) At least pretend that it's interesting. Daniel Jackson: No, it was very interesting. Please, go on. Sam Carter: Are you tired? Daniel Jackson: Ya think?
Sam Carter: This way, sir. It's not far. Jack O'Neill: Carter. How do you know where to go in a place like this? Sam Carter: I studied the Tok'ra specs of the ship while we were on Vorash. Jack O'Neill: You know how to have a good time, don't you? Sam Carter: Having a good time now, sir. Jack O'Neill: You go, girl.
(imitating a tour guide in what was once Stargate Command) Jack O'Neill: ... and we're walking.
(talking to a dying Daniel Jackson) Jack O'Neill: Because despite the fact that you've been a terrific pain in the ass for the last five years, I may have... Might have grown to admire you. A little. I think.
Jack O'Neill: Someone duplicated the duplicators?
Teal'c: Chelnak! Daniel: Direct translation: Very cool!
Jacob Carter/Selmak: Apparently, I'm the oldest and wisest among us. Sam Carter: Oh geez.
Jack O'Neill: You know, I can navigate my way across a galaxy, but I still get lost every time I come to Washington. Sam Carter: Don't worry, sir. These are my old stomping grounds. Jack O'Neill: Sorry to hear that.
Bra'tac: We shall have to cross that bridge when we come to it. Jack O'Neill: You know, that particular clichÈ doesn't... always work.
(being told about bounties on SG-1's members placed by the Gou'ald) Aris Boch: Well, Teal'c is worth the most. The System Lords would love to make a good example of him. And Carter here? Well, she has the memories of the Tok'ra Jolinar. And you, O'Neill? You're considered, well... you're a pain in the nikta. Jack O'Neill: Neck? Teal'c: No.
(trying to get advice from Thor, although he is not allowed to interfere) Jack O'Neill: All right, send me back. Wait. Ah... Right there. Is that a head nod? A nod is usually down, then back up. Your head went down... Wait. I'll tak... (O'Neill is beamed back to Earth)
Jack O'Neill: Jaffa jokes? Let's hear one of those. Teal'c: I will attempt to translate one, O'Neill. (Teal'c thinks) Teal'c: A Serpent guard, a Horus guard and a Setesh guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment. The Serpent guard's eyes glow. The Horus guard's beak glistens. The Setesh guard's nose drips.
(trying to infiltrate Seth's cult) Jack O'Neill: Dare I ask about the men inside the compound? Daniel: Well, they were turned into eunuchs. Jack O'Neill: Eunuchs? As in "snippity-do-dah"?
(trying to find out where a Stargate malfunction sent O'Neill and Carter) Daniel: (to Teal'c) What happens when you dial your own phone number? (Daniel quickly realizes Teal'c has no idea) Daniel: Wrong person to ask. (to Hammond) Daniel: What happens when you dial your own phone number? General George S. Hammond: You get a busy signal. Daniel Jackson and Teal'c: General, permission to... General George S. Hammond: Granted.
Sam Carter: Sir. What makes you so confident? Jack O'Neill: Because Lya is a fair and insightful person who will vote our way. Besides, she likes us. Daniel: Lya likes everyone. That's the Nox way.
Urgo: You are so smart, Samantha. I love that about you. Jack O'Neill: Carter? Sam Carter: The technology implanted in our brains, sir. We're looking at some kind of visual communication interface controlled hallucination. Jack O'Neill: So... I... what? Urgo: He gets confused. By the way: who is Mary Steenburgen?
(O'Neill has been trapped on a planet whose gate has been buried for 100 days) Janet Fraiser: You miss him. Sam Carter: Yeah. Janet Fraiser: Is this a problem? Sam Carter: No. No. Of course not.
(Maybourne tosses an explosive in the lake to 'catch' some fish) Jack O'Neill: That's just wrong on so many levels.
Colonel Harry Maybourne: I'm sorry, Jack. I never should have dragged you into this. Jack O'Neill: Yes, Harry. You've been a very bad boy.
Jack O'Neill: Hey, don't you die on me now. Colonel Harry Maybourne: What difference would it make? Jack O'Neill: Because we're about to be rescued. Colonel Harry Maybourne: Oh, that's nice. Jack O'Neill: Isn't it?
Jack O'Neill: I think you've suffered enough. Hell, I even got to shoot you. Colonel Harry Maybourne: Twice.
Jack O'Neill: It's always suicide-mission this, save-the-planet that. No one ever stops by just to say 'hi' anymore.
Jack O'Neill: You know, we really should come up with a new strategy. One that does not include us dying.
Jacob Carter/Selmak: How's it going? Daniel: Oh, swell, it's kinda like Goa'uld Mardi Gras around here.
Daniel: So, how are you gonna get me in? Jacob Carter/Selmak: Yu will be among the System Lords attending the meeting. Sam Carter: I thought you said he was going in as a slave. Jacob Carter/Selmak: The System Lord, Yu. Sam Carter: Little joke there. Jack O'Neill: (Dryly) Funny.
Teal'c: Are you able to translate any of this, Jonas Quinn? Jonas: It's not Ancient, but it's definitely a language belonging to one of the races of the ancient alliance. Jack O'Neill: Nox? Asgard? Jonas: Furlings. Jack O'Neill: Oh, no. Not those guys. Jonas: What? Jack O'Neill: Oh, I don't know. I just can't imagine cute little furry things making big powerful weapons, that's all. Jonas: I don't even know what they look like. Jack O'Neill: Furling. Sounds cute and fuzzy to me. (Teal'c smiles)
Jack O'Neill: You know, Harry, it's not that I can't believe you lied to me again. It's that YOU LIED TO ME AGAIN.
Teal'c: Major Carter. Sam Carter: Teal'c, this is the women's locker room. Teal'c: It appears there is no one else here but you, and you are fully clothed. Sam Carter: True.
Colonel Harry Maybourne: You wanted to kill me from the start. Jack O'Neill: Ah, screw you, Maybourne. I was joking. Look what you did to my leg. Colonel Harry Maybourne: I set the trap for the pig. Jack O'Neill: With a grenade?
Colonel Frank Cromwell: Is that proper military terminology? What exactly does "funky" mean, Sergeant?
Jack O'Neill: "Au revoir"... it's French for "ciao".
Jack O'Neill: I retired once myself, but I just couldn't stay away. General Jacob Carter: From your work in Deep Space Radar Telemetry. Jack O'Neill: It's just so damn interesting.
Jacob Carter/Selmak: So, you guys are the talk of the Tok'ra water cooler. Jack O'Neill: For what? Jacob Carter/Selmak: For kicking some major Hathor-behind. Jack O'Neill: Yes. We do take pride in good work.
Hathor: How do we contact the Asgard, so that we might ally with their forces? Jack O'Neill: Try Roswell - little place in New Mexico.
Sam Carter: Dad, have you ever heard of the Stargate program? General Jacob Carter: No. Is that one of your satellites? Sam Carter: I don't work with satellites, dad. That was just a cover. General Jacob Carter: No kidding. I never would've guessed.
Aldwin: Are you interested in Tok'ra engineering? Jack O'Neill: Oh. Interested doesn't quite describe how I truly feel. Aldwin: You're welcome to join us. Jack O'Neill: Thank you Aldwin, but I have to go help Teal'c... wait for Daniel.
Teal'c: (looking in O'Neill's refrigerator) Are you conducting some sort of scientific experiment, O'Neill? Young Jack O'Neill: Hey, come on, that salsa's still good.
Jack O'Neill: I just woke up, haven't had coffee, let alone a pee in seven days, and I find out you stole my ass and made a... mini... me.
(Trapped on a Goa'uld world, trying to reboot the Gate system to escape) Jay Felger: This is pretty cool, isn't it? You and I working together? We're sort of like the intellectual Butch and Sundance of the SGC. Sam Carter: Butch and Sundance got cornered and killed by the Bolivian army.
(O'Neill awakens in sickbay and tries to leave his bed) Teal'c: Doctor Fraiser expressed her conviction that you still require bed rest. (O'Neill gets out anyway and promptly falls down) Teal'c: Doctor Fraiser is usually right in such matters.
Jack O'Neill: I'm telling you, Teal'c. If we don't find a way out of this soon, I'm gonna' lose it. (Teal'c does not understand and just stares at O'Neill) Jack O'Neill: "Lose it. " It means, "Go crazy. " "Nuts. " "Insane. " "Bonzo. " "No longer in possession of one's faculties. " "Three fries short of a Happy Meal. " "Wacko. "
Daniel Jackson: I'm energy now... Jack O'Neill: How's that working out for you? Daniel Jackson: Good actually. Very... Jack O'Neill: Good. Daniel Jackson: Very good.
Jack O'Neill: So show me your stuff. Bust me out of here. Daniel Jackson: I can't... Jack O'Neill: Why not? Daniel Jackson: I'm not allowed to interfere. Jack O'Neill: You're interfering right now. Daniel Jackson: No, I'm not. Jack O'Neill: Yes, you are. Daniel Jackson: No, I'm not. I am consoling a friend.
Sam Carter: What are these things? Teal'c: They are "intar". Jack O'Neill: And that's short for? Teal'c: Intar.
Bra'tac: Perhaps if the warships of your world will attack we will be able... Sam Carter: Excuse me; did you say, 'the warships of our world'? Bra'tac: Surely you have such vessels? Daniel Jackson: Well, we have a number of... shuttles. Bra'tac: These 'shuttles. ' They are a formidable craft? Jack O'Neill: Uh... yeah...
Jack O'Neill: I think that Sam means, "What do we do now? " Bra'tac: Now we die. Jack O'Neill: Well that's a bad plan.
Daniel Jackson: We have to go in disguise; pretend to be foreigners. Jack O'Neill: How do we do that? Daniel Jackson: Well, I speak 23 languages, Jack. Pick one.
Captain Kyle Rogers: We extracted high-level information from the prisoners. (slyly) Corn and cotton are indigenous to North America. Jack O'Neill: And that information could save your life one day.
Jack O'Neill: I've got some bad news for you. Hathor's dead. Major General Trofsky: She is not. Hathor cannot die. Jack O'Neill: Yep. She is. Killed her myself. Major General Trofsky: Hathor is a goddess. Jack O'Neill: All right, ex-goddess.
Simon Coombs: Come on, Felger. We might as well wear red shirts. Jay Felger: I don't get that.
Teal'c: I believe the Canucks of Vancouver are superior warriors.
Jay Felger: At least my heroes exist. If this was a Trek convention you'd be all dressed up like a Klingon. Simon Coombs: Vulcan, Felger, Vulcan.
Jay Felger: If this were a Star Trek convention you'd be dressing up as a Klingon! Simon Coombs: Vulcan, Felger... Vulcan!
Jay Felger: Something hinky's definitely going on here, and it's up to you and me to find out what it is. Simon Coombs: 'Hinky? ' Jay Felger: Yeah, it's a word. Simon Coombs: In what dictionary?
Simon Coombs: Oh, please, huh? They're just tired of your butt-snorkling.
Thor: I am Thor, Supreme Commander of the Asgard Fleet. Your presence here is a violation of the Protected Planets Treaty, and you must withdraw immediately.
Jack O'Neill: Oh, come on, Samuels, let me be the cynic around here, OK?
(discussing Daniel's dreams) Teal'c: Most often, dreams are merely the mind's way of dealing with desires that cannot be fufilled. Daniel Jackson: Ah. So basically, I'm never gonna get a good night's sleep again. Teal'c: With all your past experiences, Daniel Jackson, I do not know how you have slept well before now. Daniel Jackson: Thank you, Teal'c. This conversation has been disturbing... on many levels...
(In reference to Dr Fraiser) Jack O'Neill: Napoleonic powermonger.
Samantha Carter: Jonas, you're such a chickenshi... (the rest of the word is not heard due to a blaring alarm)
(In reference to newly inaugurated President Hayes and Vice-President Kinsey) Jack O'Neill: Does anybody know anybody who actually voted for those little shrubs?
(offering a beer to Samantha Carter at his house) Jack O'Neill: Want a glass? I can wash one.
Jack O'Neill: Are those doughnuts? Teal'c: Indeed. Jack O'Neill: (impersonating Charles Montgomery Burns) Ex-cellent.
(in an alternate universe, Carter is about to be killed by a horde of Jaffa) Samantha Carter: I also wish to blow us all to Hell. (she detonates a hand grenade)
Samantha Carter: (to Jack about a group of SG trainees) Think back to when you were in their shoes. Jack O'Neill: I wore boots.
Jack O'Neill: My name's Jack; it means... what's in the box.
Jack O'Neill: I have great confidence in you Carter. Go back to the SGC and... confuse Hammond.
Jack O'Neill: (talking to the Asgard High Council about the K'Tau people and their star) I'm not asking you to change the course of their development, just fix the damn sun! No one will know. We won't tell.
(Teal'c gives a girl a new, better water gun. She promptly squirts him) Daniel: Guess we shouldn't have loaded it, huh? Teal'c: How else would she have defended herself? (Teal'c produces his own water gun and squirts Daniel) Daniel: (shakes water off his shirt) Yes, how else?
Jack O'Neill: And what about the "worm" part?
Bra'tac: Observe, and learn... Jack O'Neill: (when Bra'tac has finished knocking a few Jaffas) Not bad...
Jack O'Neill: Lucy, I'm home! Teal'c: I am NOT Lucy!
Jack O'Neill: So, you've made a mistake. That's your problem. My conscience is clean. I'm pretty happy with the way it turned out. Look at this nice pond with no pesky fish in it, and the biggest problem I have to worry about is whether or not to get a dog.
(SG-1 is at Jack's house, and Daniel is a bit drunk) Daniel: Go ahead, Teal'c, tell them how deep you are! You'll be lucky if you even understand this! Teal'c: (lifts one eyebrow) My depth is immaterial to this conversation. Daniel: Oooh! So deep! Jack O'Neill: No more beer for you.
(Jacob/Selmak, Daniel, and Sam are on a Tok'ra scout ship, being questioned by a Goul'd mothership) Jacob Carter/Selmak: All right, we're almost finished. Sam's just finishing up. Daniel: Uh, that's good, 'cuz I don't think they bought my act. Jacob Carter/Selmak: Why? Who'd you say you were? Daniel: The, uh, Great and Powerful Oz. Jacob Carter/Selmak: SAM!
Jack O'Neill: (trying to decide if he should accept his promotion) I've spent my whole life stickin' it to the man. If I do this, I'll be the man. I don't think I can be the man.
Nick Ballard: Now we must wait for the giant aliens. Jack O'Neill: That just has a nice ring to it.
(Fifth, an artificial being, is taking his revenge on Sam) Sam Carter: Part of being human is compassion, learning to forgive! Fifth: Yes. I'm not there yet.
(Carter has just killed Seth with a Gou'ald hand device) Daniel Jackson: You killed him! Jack O'Neill: (In an undertone) Hail, Dorothy.
Jack O'Neill: Daniel and Teal'c say 'hi'. They're planning a big shindig for you when you're back up and around. There's talk of cake. Sam Carter: Cake? Jack O'Neill: My idea.
Ba'al: You dare mock me? Jack O'Neill: Ba'al, come on. You should know. Of course, I dare mock you.
Daniel Jackson: On the bright side, out of all the Goa'uld, Lord Yu has been the most cooperative with us in the past. Dr Elizabeth Weir: I thought you said that none of them could be trusted? Daniel Jackson: Oh, they can't. Especially not a crazy one. Dr Elizabeth Weir: And that's a bright side? Daniel Jackson: More of a slightly less dark side.
Daniel Jackson: Look, all I know is that the place you're searching right now is not it. Jack O'Neill: Then, where is *it*? Daniel Jackson: Did I just say, "all I know"? Jack O'Neill: Everyone turn away. I want no witnesses.
Daniel Jackson: (Daniel has been cleared to attend a briefing after having lost his memory) Besides, who am I going to tell? I don't remember anybody, right? Jack O'Neill: Good one. Daniel Jackson: Thanks, Jim.
Jack O'Neill: All I'm saying, just for the record, is this is the wackiest plan we've ever come up with. Sam Carter: Wackier than, than strapping an active Stargate to the bottom of the X-302? Jack O'Neill: Oh yeah. Sam Carter: Wackier than blowing up a sun? Jack O'Neill: Yep. Sam Carter: He's probably right.
Jack O'Neill: If we want to find out who's behind this, we have to do what the Asgard do. Daniel: You mean bluff? Jack O'Neill: Yep. We just need to do it without revealing what we know. Daniel: Which is nothing. Jack O'Neill: Right. But they don't know we know nothing.
Jack O'Neill: (after traveling to a world that looks exactly like Earth) Just when you think you're not in Kansas anymore, it turns out you are.
General George S. Hammond: You're saying Osiris is here on Earth probing Daniel's mind? Sam Carter: Yes, we think that. Jack O'Neill: Kinky.
Jack O'Neill: (Sam starts humming as she and Jack are riding an elevator at the SGC) Humming? Sam Carter: I am? Jack O'Neill: You are. Sam Carter: Sorry. Jack O'Neill: What's his name? Sam Carter: Now, why would you... Jack O'Neill: Humming. Sam Carter: Pete.
Jack O'Neill: It's time for plan B. Sam Carter: We have a plan B? Jack O'Neill: No, but it's time for one.
Sam Carter: Teal'c, how do Jaffa couples handle their problems? Teal'c: On Chulak, a dispute between a man and a woman that cannot be resolved necessitates a pledge break. It must be requested by one and granted by the other. Daniel: And if that doesn't work? Teal'c: A weapon is required.
Jack O'Neill: Mmmmmm... Goa'uld TV.
Jonas: We're peaceful explorers, okay? We didn't come here to harm anybody. Jack O'Neill: Unless otherwise provoked.
(Hammond shows Carter the individual who tried to enter the SGC with O'Neill's security ID) Samantha Carter: He's a boy, Sir. Young Jack O'Neill: As it turns out, Carter, yes I am. For the moment!
(the guard hands a mug to Young Jack) Young Jack O'Neill: Finally! (takes a sip) Hot chocolate? Are you kidding?
Young Jack O'Neill: Look, last night, I ate some dinner, had a beer, went to bed and woke up like this. Now can we please just get to the part where you and Fraiser run some tests, find a cure, and make me big again?
(Daniel walks into the holding room) Young Jack O'Neill: Daniel, will you tell them who I am? Please? Daniel: OK, love to. Who are you?
(Carter has explained that the boy is somehow Colonel O'Neill) Daniel: What's going on? Young Jack O'Neill: Daniel! Daniel: Sounds like him. At least the loud, grating part!
General George S. Hammond: (after leaving the holding room) Would anyone care to speculate how a boy could be aware of our most classified information? Samantha Carter: Well, Sir, It could be him. Daniel: There is a physical resemblance! General George S. Hammond: (Pointing to the holding room) But, he can't be more than 15 years old. Are you saying Colonel O'Neill has somehow regressed more than 30 years overnight? Daniel: Stranger things have happened. Teal'c: Name but one. Daniel: Well, there was the time he got really old; the time he became a caveman; the time we all swapped bodies...
Dr Janet Fraiser: There is a tiny abnormality, but for all intents and purposes, it's him. Daniel: Tiny abnormality, like the fact he's suddenly quite a few years younger than he's supposed to be?
Young Jack O'Neill: You know, I think you two are enjoying this just a little too much. Samantha Carter: Well, you are kinda cute. Young Jack O'Neill: That's Sir to you, and being trapped inside a scrawny little body isn't my idea of cute, Carter!
Teal'c: Do you not experience increased health and vitality? Young Jack O'Neill: My *vitality* was just fine, thank you!
Young Jack O'Neill: I don't plan on staying like this. Samantha Carter: Well, in the meantime, may I make a suggestion? Try enjoying this as much as we are!
Anteaus: The very young do not always do as they are told.
Young Jack O'Neill: (to Teal'c, after revealing facts that only O'Neill would know) Have you had your tetronin this morning? Teal'c: (Turning to face the others) How could this child possess such knowledge?
Jack O'Neill: I was expecting the other shoe to drop... eventually. Thor: We can only hope that this is the last footwear to fall.
(Bregman has Daniel's tape of Dr Fraiser dying in the line of duty) Emmett Bregman: I just came to give this back to you. I'm not going to use it. Daniel Jackson: Wait. I want you to. You know, I died in this room? Ascended. Doctor Fraiser did everything she could. I mean, she went three days without sleep. Even in the end, she didn't want to let me go. I owed her a lot more than I ever gave back. I thought a lot about what you said about Kristofsky. I think this shows what Janet Fraiser was all about. Emmett Bregman: Me too. Daniel Jackson: I want other people to know.
Daniel: Well, if they even get a hint of the fact that we can't use the Ancient weapons to defend ourselves, trust me, this game is over... Too dramatic? Dr Elizabeth Weir: At this point, not for me.
Dr Elizabeth Weir: It's unfortunate you're being recalled. I thought we were making such good progress. Camulus: Your demands were ridiculous. We had no choice but to terminate negotiations. Dr Elizabeth Weir: Well, give my regards to Baal!
First: Your mind is incredible. Jack O'Neill: Well... First: Such chaos and humor and pain.
First: Your iris code is 903224637. Jack O'Neill: Wow, that's... close. Here's one for you. I'm thinking of an animal.
Dr Lee: Look, we've been working on this chair for two years to make it a viable virtual reality training tool for SGC personnel. Teal'c: You have failed. Jack O'Neill: He's nothing if not honest. Dr Lee: Well, I mean, maybe we could, er, it could use a little more work but... Jack O'Neill: Can you make it harder... more difficult? Dr Lee: Well, I mean, we can input the parameters for different scenarios, but the vast majority of the simulation array comes from the mind of the user. The programming is actually built by interfacing memories from the individual's consciousness with the chair's matrix. Jack O'Neill: Carter, all I heard was "Matrix" and I found those films *quite* confusing.
Jack O'Neill: ... and after that, I kind of lost my temper. General George S. Hammond: What does that mean? Dr Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: Let's just say that Jack made a reference to Freyr's mother.
Colonel Sean Grieves: I'll say it again, I don't like the idea of going into this unarmed. Jack O'Neill: And... I don't care. Lieutenant Kershaw: I feel a lot better knowing there's an archaeologist watching our backs. Daniel Jackson: (holds up a knife) Yeah, which end do the bullets go in again? Colonel Sean Grieves: I'd be happy to show you.
Jack O'Neill: Uh... Teal'c, on our "6", is that what I think it is? Teal'c: If you think it is the Earth, yes. Jack O'Neill: It's shrinking. Teal'c: Its size remains constant. Rather, it is we who are moving away at extreme velocity.
Emmett Bregman: You know, I, uh... I once did a piece on this war photographer. His name was Martin Kristofski. For about six months, he was with a unit in Vietnam, and the day before he was scheduled to leave-the *day* before, he's out with the unit. And it was just a routine patrol, or so they thought. But suddenly, a lieutenant pulled him down. And Kristofski hadn't intended to take a picture at that moment, but his hands were on the camera and he hit the ground so hard that it just went off. And the picture captured the Lieutenant getting shot in the head. And Kristofski said to me, he said "That bullet would've hit me, *should've* hit me." And he *never* showed that picture to *anyone,* not for 25 years. But 25 years later, he got up one morning, and he looked at that picture, and he saw something that wasn't horrific, and he decided to tell the story, because he realized that he hadn't accidentally taken a picture of a man dying. It was of a man saving his life.
Teal'c: (Bra'tac, Teal'c and General Hammond are looking for, and find, and "old style" death glider) There is an old saying amongst Jaffa, General Hammond... They do not build them as they once did.
Vala Malduran: Don't worry. I'm not going to hurt you. Daniel: Thank God. Vala Malduran: Much. I hope.
Vala Malduran: Ow, ow, ow! You hit me! Daniel: You hit *me*! Daniel: Yeah. You know, we could just have sex instead.
Vala Malduran: (to Daniel Jackson) I liked you better tied up.
Vala Malduran: This suit will still absorb zat blasts. So, you should probably make me take it off. Daniel: I think we'll turn the ship around first. Vala Malduran: I dunno. If I had me at gunpoint that wouldn't be my first choice.
Vala Malduran: Did you have fun taking off my clothes? Daniel: It was your idea. Vala Malduran: No, *I* meant when I was conscious. You know, so I could distract you and kick you in the head. Daniel: I kept my eyes closed the whole time. Daniel: I'm sure you did. Daniel: So, where are we going? Vala Malduran: I told you. To save my people. Can you please let me out of here? Daniel: Ohhhhhhhhhhh, no. Vala Malduran: You know, I haven't eaten in days. Daniel: Could you please tell me how to access the navigation controls? Vala Malduran: It isn't very nice, you know, starving a prisoner to death. Come on, Daniel, you've seen me naked. The least you could do is cook me dinner.
Burke: What's with the guy from Evil Dead? Jack O'Neill: (Daniel and Jack turn and look at each other, not sure what to say) Umm... Burke: (laughs) Man, you guys are into some crazy crap!
(upon seeing a Daniel Jackson devolved by a disease flirting with a girl with the same disease) Jack O'Neill: Daniel, you dog. You keep this up and you'll have a girl on every planet.
Colonel Makepeace: Don't you worry, boys, that's why the SG-3 Marines are coming with. You can count on us to watch your backsides. Daniel: Actually, it's, it's more my frontside I was worried about.
Jack O'Neill: (O'Neill hands Daniel night-vision goggles) Here, put these on. Daniel Jackson: They don't look like my prescription.
Daniel Jackson: Wait a minute. I thought the reason why we brought the ship was so that we didn't have to walk. Samantha Carter: You can't just fly into an alien city. The mission is stealth recon. Meaning undetected. Jack O'Neill: Meaning *shut up*!
Shamda: (pointing to Teal'c) He is Jaffa. Jack O'Neill: No, but he plays one on T.V.
Cameron Mitchell: (to an ugly alien) So, who do you like in the NFL this year? You kind of strike me as a Raiders fan...