Star Trek
1966
(Opening narration) Capt Kirk: Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its 5-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.
Scotty: The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank.
(Aboard the United Space Ship Defiant NCC-1764) Capt Kirk: Bones. What is it? Bones: Jim, this ship is dissolving. My hand just passed through a man and a table.
Matt Decker: Enterprise to Kirk, Commodore Decker speaking. Capt Kirk: Matt? What's going on? Give me Spock. Matt Decker: I'm in command here, Jim. Capt Kirk: What happened to Spock? Matt Decker: Nothing. I assumed command according to regulations, since your first officer was reluctant to take aggressive action. Capt Kirk: You mean YOU'RE the lunatic who's responsible for almost destroying my ship? Matt Decker: You are talking to a SENIOR OFFICER, Kirk. Capt Kirk: Get me Spock. Matt Decker: I told you I am in command here, according to every rule in the book, CAPTAIN. If you have anything to say at all, you will say it to ME. Capt Kirk: There's only one thing I want to say to YOU, COMMODORE: GET MY SHIP OUT OF THERE.
McCoy: Are you out of your Vulcan mind?
Capt Kirk: All right, you mutinous, disloyal, computerized half-breed. We'll see about you deserting my ship. Spock: The term "half-breed" is somewhat applicable, but "computerized" is inaccurate. A machine can be computerized, not a man. Capt Kirk: What makes you think you're a man? You're an overgrown jackrabbit. An elf with a hyperactive thyroid. Spock: Jim, I don't understand... Capt Kirk: Of course you don't understand. You don't have the brains to understand. All you have is printed circuits. Spock: Captain, if you will excuse me. (Tries to activate the transporter) Capt Kirk: (blocks Spock's way and interupts) What can you expect from a simpering, devil-eared freak whose father was a computer and his mother an encyclopedia. Spock: My mother was a teacher. My father an ambassador. Capt Kirk: Your father was a computer, like his son. An ambassador from a planet of traitors. The Vulcan never lived who had an ounce of integrity... Spock: Captain, please don't... Capt Kirk: You're a traitor from a race of traitors. Disloyal to the core. Rotten! Like the rest of your subhuman race. And you've got the GALL... to make love to that girl! Spock: That's enough. Capt Kirk: Does she know what she's getting, Spock? A carcass full of memory banks who should be squatting on a mushroom? Instead of passing himself off as a man? You belong in the circus, Spock, not a starship. Right next to the dog face boy! (Spock begins beating the stew out of Kirk - he picks up a stool, ready to hit Kirk, then stops - the spore's influence is gone) Capt Kirk: Had enough? I never realized what it took to get under that thick hide of yours. Anyhow, I don't know what you're so mad about. It isn't every first officer who gets to belt his captain... several times. Spock: You did that to me deliberately. Capt Kirk: Believe me, Mr Spock. It was painful. In more ways than one. (Grabs his hurting arm) Spock: The spores. They're gone. I don't belong anymore. Capt Kirk: You said they were benevolent and peaceful. Violent emotions overwhelm them, destroy them. I had to make you angry enough to shake off their influence. That's the answer, Mr Spock. Spock: That may be correct, Captain, but trying to initiate a brawl with over 500 crewmen and colonists is hardly logical. Capt Kirk: I had something else in mind. Can you put together a subsonic transmitter? Something we can hook into the communication station and broadcast over the communicators? Spock: It can be done. Capt Kirk: Good. Let's get to work. Spock: Captain! Striking a fellow officer is a court-martial offense. Capt Kirk: Well, if we're both in the brig, who's gonna build the subsonic transmitter? Spock: That is quite logical, Captain.
Spock: Mother, how can you have lived on Vulcan so long, married a Vulcan, raised a son on Vulcan, without understanding what it means to be Vulcan? Amanda: Well, if this is what it means I don't want to know!
Bones: It is a human characteristic to love small furry animals. Spock: Doctor, I'm well acquainted with human characteristics. I'm frequently inundated by them, but I've trained myself to put up with practically everything.
Spock: I fail to comprehend your indignation, sir. I have simply made the logical deduction that you are a liar.
Kor: Smile, and smile... I don't trust a man who smiles too much.
Policeman: Put a sword in your hand and you'll fight. I know you, Flavius - you're as peaceful as a bull!
Spock: (while holding a tribble) Intriguing. It's trilling noise seems to produce a tranquilizing effect on the human nervous system. (he begins to pet it gently) Spock: Fortunately, I am, of course, immune. (realizing what he is doing, he quickly puts the tribble down and excuses himself)
Capt Kirk: This is a mystery, and I don't like mysteries. They give me a bellyache, and I've got a beauty right now.
McCoy: I'm not a magician, Spock; just an old country doctor. Spock: Yes. As I always suspected.
(helping a pregnant woman up a steep hill) McCoy: Look! I'm a doctor, not an escalator. Spock, gimme a hand!
Spock: While there was a chance, I was bound legally and morally to ascertain the Captain's status. McCoy: You mean, to make sure he was dead.
Spock: Random chance seems to have operated in our favor. McCoy: In plain non-Vulcan English, we've been lucky. Spock: I believe I have said that, doctor.
Capt Kirk: This is the Captain of the Enterprise. Our respect for other life forms requires that we give you this... warning. There is one critical item of information that has never been incorporated into the memory banks of any Earth ship. Since the early years of space exploration, Earth vessels have had incorporated into them a substance known as... corbomite. It is a material and a device which prevents attack on us. If any destructive energy touches our vessel, a reverse reaction of equal strength is created, destroying -... Balok (voice) : You now have two minutes. Capt Kirk: - -DESTROYING the attacker. It may interest you to know that since the initial use of corbomite more than two of our centuries ago, no attacking vessel has survived the attempt. Death has... little meaning to us. If it has none to you then attack us now. We grow annoyed at your foolishness.
Capt Kirk: "Let me help." A hundred years or so from now, I believe, a famous novelist will write a classic using that theme. He'll recommend those three words over "I love you."
Capt Kirk: But you'll be trapped as well, forever, at each others' throat, forever through time. Lazarus: Is it such a large price to pay for the safety of two universes?
Capt Kirk: Mr Spock... you're not going to admit for the first time in your life you made a completely emotional decision based on desperation? Spock: No, sir. Capt Kirk: You are a very stubborn man, Mr Spock. Spock: Yes, sir.
Capt Kirk: Spock, the women on your planet are logical. No other planet in the galaxy can make that claim.
Capt Kirk: All right, Colonel. The truth is, I'm a little green man from Alpha Centauri, a beautiful place. You ought to see it. Lieutenant Colonel Fellini: I am going to lock you up for 200 years. Capt Kirk: That ought to be just about right.
Capt Kirk: Spock, ask Scotty how long it would take him to reproduce 100 flintlocks. Scotty: I didn't get that exactly, Captain. 100 what? Capt Kirk: 100 serpents. Serpents for the Garden of Eden.
McCoy: (talking about the android Norman) There's something wrong about a man who never smiles, whose conversation never varies from the routine of the job, and who won't talk about his background. Spock: I see. McCoy: Spock... I mean, that it's, uh... it's odd for a non-Vulcan. Um... the ears make all the difference.
McCoy: How does that Vulcan salute go? (Spock demonstrates) McCoy: That hurts worse than the uniform.
McCoy: Medical men are trained in logic. Spock: Trained? Judging from you, I would have guessed it was trial and error.
Scotty: Thank Heavens. Spock: Mr Scott, there was no deity involved. It was my cross-circuiting to B that recovered them. McCoy: Well, then thank pitchforks and pointy ears.
Spock: "Fascinating" is a word I use for the unexpected. "Interesting" shall suffice here.
Spock: Congratulations on a dazzling display of logic. Capt Kirk: Didn't think I had it in me, did you? Spock: No.
Spock: It would be interesting to impress your memory engrams on a computer, doctor. The resulting torrential flood of illogic would be most entertaining.
Dr McCoy: Your pulse is two hundred and forty-two. Your blood pressure is practically non-existent; assuming you call that green stuff in your veins blood. Spock: The readings are perfectly normal for me, Doctor, thank you. And as for my anatomy being different from yours, I am delighted.
Spock: Sir, there is a multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
Sarek: Tellarites do not argue for any reason; they simply argue.
(to the self-professed "god" Apollo) Capt Kirk: We're tired of your phony fireworks.
(McCoy has been ordered to help a silicon-based life form) McCoy: I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer.
(Spock and Dr McCoy are locked in a prison cell) McCoy: Spock, er, I know we've, er, had our disagreements. Er, maybe they're jokes, I don't know. As Jim says, we're not often sure ourselves sometimes. But, er... what I'm trying to say is... Spock: Doctor, I am seeking a means of escape. Will you please be brief? McCoy: What I'm trying to say is, you saved my life in the arena. Spock: Yes, that's quite true. McCoy: (Indignant) I'm trying to thank you, you pointed-eared hobgoblin! Spock: Oh yes, you humans have that emotional need to express gratitude. "You're welcome", I believe is the correct response.
Bones: You have a point, Spock? Spock: Yes, doctor, always.
Spock: Captain, I'm beginning to understand why you Earthmen enjoy gambling. No matter how carefully one computes the odds of success, there is still a certain - exhilaration in the risk. Capt Kirk: Very good, Spock. We may make a human of you yet. Spock: I hope not.
Bones: Hope? I thought that was a human failing, Mr Spock. Spock: Quite true, doctor. Constant exposure does result in a certain degree of - contamination.
Capt Kirk: (after stopping Khan's attempted takeover of the Enterprise) So, what will it be, Khan? Return to the nearest Starbase to be turned over to Starfleet or exile on Ceti Alpha VI? Khan Noonian Singh: Captain, are you familiar with Lucifer's response to God in Paradise Lost? Capt Kirk: I understand. (Khan is escorted out by Security) Scotty: Captain, as a good Scotsman; I'm ashamed to admit that my knowledge of Milton is somewhat sketchy. What was Khan referring to? Capt Kirk: Given a choice to return to Heaven under the rule of God, Lucifer replied 'Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven'. Capt Kirk: It would be interesting to return in twenty years or so to see what has sprouted from the space seed we planted on Ceti Alpha VI.
(Spock and McCoy are bickering again) Flavius: Are they enemies, captain? Capt Kirk: I'm not sure they're sure.
Spock: Captain, you are aware of the biblical story of Genesis. Capt Kirk: Yes, of course I'm aware of that. Adam and Eve tasted the apple and as a result were driven out of paradise. Spock: Precisely, captain. And in a manner of speaking we have given the people of Vol the apple, the knowledge of good and evil if you will, as a result of which they too have been driven out of paradise. Capt Kirk: Doctor, do I understand him correctly? Are you casting me in the role of Satan? Spock: Not at all, captain. Capt Kirk: (circumnavigating Spock with McCoy) Is there anyone on this ship who even remotely looks like Satan? Spock: I am not aware of anyone who fits that description, captain. Capt Kirk: No, Mr Spock, I didn't think you would.
Capt Kirk: Another technical journal, Scotty? Scotty: Aye. Capt Kirk: Don't you ever relax? Scotty: I am relaxing.
Scotty: Well, captain, er, the Klingons called you a tin plated over bearing swaggering dictator with delusions of granduer. Capt Kirk: Is that all? Scotty: No sir, they also compared you with a Denebian slime devil. Capt Kirk: I see. Scotty: And then they said you were... Capt Kirk: I get the picture, Scotty. Scotty: Yes, sir. Capt Kirk: And after they said all this, that's when you hit the Klingons. Scotty: No, sir. Capt Kirk: No? Scotty: No, er, I didn't. You told us to avoid trouble. Capt Kirk: Oh, yes. Scotty: Well, I didn't see it was worth fighting about. After all, we're big enough to take a few insults, aren't we? Capt Kirk: What was it they said that started the fight? Scotty: They called the Enterprise a garbage scow. Sir. Capt Kirk: I see. And *that's* when you hit the Klingon? Scotty: Yes, sir. Capt Kirk: You hit the Klingons because they insulted the Enterprise, not because they... Scotty: Well, sir, this was a matter of pride! Capt Kirk: All right, Scotty dismissed. Oh, Scotty, you're restricted to quarters until further notice. Scotty: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. That'll give me a chance to catch up on my technical journals.
Capt Kirk: Cyrano Jones, a Klingon agent? Nilz Baris: You heard me. Capt Kirk: I heard you. Spock: He simply could not believe his ears.
McCoy: Spock, I've always suspected you were a little more human than you let on. Mrs Sarek, I know about the vigorous training of the Vulcan youth, but tell me, did he ever run and play like the human children, even in secret? Amanda: Well, he did have a pet Salet he was very fond of. McCoy: Salet? Amanda: It's sort of a fat teddy bear. McCoy: (grinning) A teddy bear?
Bones: You know why you're not afraid to die, Spock? You're more afraid of living. Each day you stay alive is just one more day you might slip and let your human half peek out. That's it, isn't it? Insecurity. Why you wouldn't know what to do with a genuine warm decent feeling. Spock: Really, doctor? Bones: I know. I'm worried about Jim too.
Spock: That sound was the turbulence caused by the penetration of a boundary layer, captain. Capt Kirk: What boundary layer? Spock: Unknown. Capt Kirk: A boundary layer between what and what? Spock: Between where we were and where we are. Capt Kirk: Are you trying to be funny, Mr Spock? Spock: It would never occur to me, captain.
Capt Kirk: Spock, give me an update on the dark area ahead. Spock: No analysis due to insufficient information. Capt Kirk: No speculation, no information, nothing? I've asked you three times for information on that thing and you've been unable to supply it. Insufficient information is not sufficient, Mr Spock! You're the science officer. You're supposed to have sufficient data all the time.
Uhura: Mr Spock, sometimes I think if I hear that word frequency once more I'll cry. Spock: Cry? Uhura: I was just trying to start a conversation. Spock: Well, since it is illogical for a communications officer to resent the word 'frequency', I have no answer. Uhura: No, you have an answer. I'm an illogical women whose beginning to feel too much part of that communications consul. Why don't you tell me I'm an attractive young lady or ask me if I've ever been in love? Tell me how your planet Vulcan looks on a lazy evening when the moon is full. Spock: Vulcan has no moon, Ms Uhuru. Uhura: I'm not surprised, Mr Spock.
Spock: Frankly, I was rather dismayed by your use of the term "half-breed", captain. You must admit it is an unsophisticated expression. Capt Kirk: I'll remember that, Mr Spock. The next time I find myself in a similar situation.
Spock: I have a responsibility to this ship. To that man on the bridge. I am what I am, Leila. And if there are self made purgatories, then we all have to live in them. Mine can be no worse than someone else's.
Leila Kolomi: You never told me if you had another name, Mr Spock? Spock: You couldn't pronounce it.
McCoy: Unusual eye arrangement. I might have known he'd turn up something like that. Capt Kirk: What's that, doctor? McCoy: I said please don't tell Spock I said he was the best first officer in the fleet. Spock: Why thank you, Dr McCoy. Capt Kirk: You've been so concerned about his Vulcan eyes, doctor, you've forgotten about his Vulcan ears.
Elaan: Captain, that ancient earth custom called spanking. What is it?
Dr McCoy: You listen to me, you pointed-eared Vulcan. Spock: (grabbing McCoy) I don't like that. I don't think I ever did and now I'm sure!
Elias Sandoval: Well, doctor. I've been thinking about what sort of work I could assign you to. McCoy: (annoyed) What do you mean "what sort of work"? I'm a doctor! Elias Sandoval: Not anymore, of course. We don't need you, not as a doctor. McCoy: (stands up) Oh no. Would you like to see just how fast I can put you in a hospital? Elias Sandoval: I am the leader of this colony. I'll assign you to whatever work I think is suitable! (begins to walk away) McCoy: Just a minute! (grabs Sandoval) Better make me a mechanic! Then I can treat little tin cods like you! Elias Sandoval: (swings at McCoy - McCoy blocks and punches Sandoval in the stomach. Sandoval doubles over and falls to the ground) Sorry, Sandoval. I don't know what made me do that. Elias Sandoval: (Sandoval is now free of the spore influence as is McCoy. Sandoval realizes finally what has happened) We've done nothing here. No accomplishments, no progress. Three years wasted. We wanted to make this planet a garden! McCoy: You can't stay here. You can't survive without the spores. After you've cleared at the starbase, you could be relocated. It depends on what you want. Elias Sandoval: I think I'd - I think we'd like to get some work done. The work we started out to do.
(after healing the silicon creature) McCoy: I had them beam me down some thermo-concrete, and I just troweled that over the wound as a bandage. I'm beginning to think I can cure a rainy day.
(trying to confuse an android) Spock: Logic is a little tweeting bird chirping in a meadow. Logic is a wreath of pretty flowers which smell BAD. Are you sure your circuits are functioning correctly? Your ears are green.
(Inventing a bogus card game as a distraction) Capt Kirk: The odds of getting a royal fizzbin are astronomical. Spock, what are the odds of getting a royal fizzbin? Spock: I have never computed them.
(Sulu is acting psychotically) Sulu: I'll protect you, fair maiden. Uhura: Sorry, neither.
Chekov: Scotch was invented by a little old lady from Leningrad.
Bones: I'm a doctor, NOT an engineer. Scotty: NOW you're an engineer.
Amanda: Oh, logic. I am so tired of hearing about your logic. Spock: Emotional, isn't she? Sarek: She has always been that way. Spock: Indeed. Why did you marry her? Sarek: At the time it seemed like the logical thing to do.
Dr McCoy: "He's dead, Jim."
McCoy: Spock, I don't agree with you at all. Spock: That's not unusual, Doctor.
(trying to confuse an android) Captain Kirk: Harry lied to you, Norman. Everything Harry says is a lie. Remember that, Norman. *Everything* he says is a lie. Harcourt Fenton Mudd: Now I want you to listen to me very carefully, Norman. I'm... lying. Norman: You say you are lying, but if everything you say is a lie, then you are telling the truth, but you cannot tell the truth because you always lie... illogical! Illogical! Please explain! You are human; only humans can explain! Illogical! Captain Kirk: I am not programmed to respond in that area.
McCoy: Once, just once, I'd like to be able to land someplace and say "Behold, I am the Archangel Gabriel." Spock: I fail to see the humor in that situation, Doctor. McCoy: Naturally. You could hardly claim to be an angel with those pointed ears, Mr Spock. But say you landed someplace with a pitchfork...
McCoy: In this galaxy, there's a mathematical probability of three million Earth-type planets. And in all of the universe, three million million galaxies like this. And in all of that... and perhaps more, only one of each of us.
Capt Kirk: Those of you who have served for long on this vessel have encountered alien life-forms. You know the greatest danger facing us is ourselves, and irrational fear of the unknown. But there's no such thing as 'the unknown,' only things temporarily hidden, temporarily not understood.
James T. Kirk: There seems to be no sign of intelligent life anywhere...
Scotty: On Earth, we have a saying: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Chekov: I know this saying. It was invented in Russia.
(In a room alone, talking to the ceiling) Capt Kirk: Never lose you. Never.
(Discussing Kirk's "intuition" with Doctor McCoy) Spock: I *note* it doctor, without understanding it.
(Speaking to a robot, referring to Uhura) Spock: That *unit* is a woman. Nomad: A mass of conflicting impulses.
Bones: Spock, I've found that evil usually triumphs... unless good is very, very careful.
Trader: Four credits. Cyrano Jones: Is that an offer or a joke? Trader: That's my offer. Cyrano Jones: That's a joke.
McCoy: What do you get when you feed a tribble too much? Capt Kirk: A fat tribble.
Capt Kirk: We may go in the biggest explosion in those parts since the last star exploded, but we've got to take that one in ten thousand chance.
Dr McCoy: I won't harm a hair on its head... wherever that is...
(Bele and Lokai are aliens who have white and black skin) Bele: You've combed the galaxy and all you've come up with is mono-colored trash, bleeding hearts and do-gooders. You're dead, you half-white. Lokai: (to the crew) You useless piles of bland flesh.
Spock: Captain, must we? Capt Kirk: It's faster than walking. Spock: Yes, but not as safe. Capt Kirk: Are you afraid of cars, Mr Spock? Spock: Not at all, Captain. It's your *driving* that alarms me.
(after going back in time, Captain Kirk is forced to explain Spock's strange appearance) Policeman: Well? Capt Kirk: You're a police officer. I recognize the traditional accoutrements. Spock: You were saying you'd have no trouble explaining it. (describing Spock) Capt Kirk: My friend... is obviously Chinese. I see you've noticed the ears; well, they're... easy to explain... Spock: Perhaps the unfortunate accident I had as a child... Capt Kirk: ... the unfortunate accident he had as a child. He caught his head in a mechanical... rice picker... but, fortunately, there was an American, uh, missionary living close by who was a, uh, skilled, uh, plastic surgeon in civilian life who -... Policeman: All right, all right. Drop those bundles and put your hands on the wall.
Spock: Doctor, you may yet cure the common cold.
(Arguing about the tribbles with station manager) Nilz Baris: ... Kirk I will hold you responsible for this. Capt Kirk: Mr Baris I'll hold you in irons if you don't shut up.
(Away Team on shuttle discussing there futile situation) Scotty: Mr Spock, a while a go you said that there were always possibilities? Spock: Did I? I might have errored. McCoy: Well at least I'll live long enough to hear that.
McCoy: God forbid I should agree with Spock, but he was right.
Capt Kirk: Mr Spock, you'd make a wonderful computer. Spock: (taken aback) That is *very* kind of you sir.
Spock: You may find that having is not so nearly pleasing a thing as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true.
Capt Kirk: A dream that became a reality and spread throughout the stars.
Capt Kirk: I want to know who put the tribbles in the quadrotritecale and what was in the grain that killed them.
Spock: (asked what he thinks about a woman naming her baby after McCoy and Kirk) I think you're both going to be insufferably pleased with yourselves for at least a month... sir.
Capt Kirk: How did you manage to test it? Spock: It has not been tested. McCoy: It's not necessary, Captain. It's simple. Nothing can go wrong. Capt Kirk: Up to now, everything's gone wrong. I want it tested. And now.
(after his ship has been disabled) Romulan Commander: I regret that we meet in this way. You and I are of a kind. In a different reality, I could have called you friend.
(asking about the tribbles) Capt Kirk: Scott, you didn't transport them into space did you? Scotty: Captain Kirk, that'd be inhuman. Capt Kirk: Well, where are they? Scotty: I gave them a very good home, sir. Capt Kirk: WHERE? Scotty: I gave 'em to the Klingons, sir. Capt Kirk: You gave them to the Klingons? Scotty: Aye, sir. Before they went into warp, I transported the whole kit'n kaboodle into their engine room, where they'll be no tribble at all.
Dr McCoy: You deliberately stopped me Jim. I could have saved her. Do you realize what you just did? Spock: He knows, Doctor. He knows.
Captain Kirk: Well, Mr Spock, if we can't disguise you, we'll have to find some way of... explaining you. Spock: That should prove interesting.
Spock: Theft, captain? Captain Kirk: Well, we'll... steal from the rich and give back to the poor... later.
Captain Kirk: You were actually enjoying that predicament back there. At times you seem quite human. Spock: Captain, I hardly believe that insults are in your line as my commanding officer.
Spock: Save her, do as your heart tells you to do, and millions will die who did not die before.
(after coming out of a faint) Dr McCoy: The most common question to ask would be "Where am I?" I don't think I'll ask it.
Dr McCoy: You know, I've convinced myself that this is all in a cordrazine hallucination. But, I've decided you're not.
Spock: Where would you estimate we belong, Miss Keeler? Edith Keeler: You? At his side, as if you've always been there and always will.
Capt Kirk: I want to know what killed these tribbles. Bones: I haven't figured out what keeps them alive yet.
Capt Kirk: Matt... Where's your crew? Matt Decker: On the third planet... Capt Kirk: There is no third planet! Matt Decker: (anguished) Don't you think I know that? There was! But not anymore! They called me... they begged me for help... four hundred of them... I couldn't... I... I couldn't (breaks down)
Kang: We need no urging to hate humans, but for the present, only a fool fights in a burning house.
Bones: (to himself) If I jumped every time a light came on around here, I'd end up talking to myself.
Bones: What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor?
Flint: I was born in the year 3834BC, in what would a later be known as Mestopotamia. I fell, in battle, pierced to the heart... and did not die...
(about Tribbles) Spock: They do indeed have one redeeming characteristic. Bones: What's that? Spock: They do not talk too much.
McCoy: (as McCoy is trying to restore Spock's Brain) I'm never going to be able to live this down. This Vulcan is telling me how to operate.
Scotty: Laddy, don't you think you should be rephrasing that? Korax: You're right. I should. I didn't mean to say the Enterprise should be hauling garbage. I meant to say the Enterprise should be hauled away *as* garbage!
Capt Kirk: I said get back to your station. Lt Leslie: No, sir. Capt Kirk: This is mutiny, mister. Lt Leslie: Yes, sir. It is.
(after Kirk knocks an Ekosian unconcious) Spock: Your uniform, Captain. Capt Kirk: Yes, it's a pity yours isn't as attractive as mine. Gestapo, I believe. Spock: Quite true. You should make a very convincing Nazi. (Kirk aims a look at Spock with a mixture of surprise and near-annoyance)
Capt Kirk: (Captain's log) When a man of Scotty's years falls in love, the loneliness of his life is suddenly revealed to him. His whole heart once throbbed only to the ship's engines.
Capt Kirk: (surprised to see Spock alive after an attack by a non-corporeal entity) Don't misunderstand my next question - Mr Spock, why aren't you dead?
(Spock stuns Sulu, who is psychotically waving a fencing foil) Spock: Take D'Artagnan here to sickbay!
Bella Oxmyx: The most co-operative man in this world is a dead man. And if you don't keep your mouth shut, you're gonna be co-operating.
Bella Oxmyx: You better come on back down. Krako's put the bag on your captain. Spock: Why would he put a bag on our captain? Bella Oxmyx: Kidnapped him, you dope! He'll scrag him too. Spock: If I understand you correctly, that would seem to be a problem.
Spock: Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here. McCoy: You admit that? Spock: To deny the facts would be illogical, doctor.
Capt Kirk: (to communicator) Kirk to Enterprise. Scotty: Enterprise, Scott here, sir. Capt Kirk: (talking like a Chicago mobster) You got Krako on ice? Scotty: Aye, he's here. Mad enough to chew neutronium, but behaving himself. Capt Kirk: OK, baby, cool him until I flag you. Scotty: Flag me? Capt Kirk: (normal voice) Keep him there until I send for him. (as mobster) We're gonna make some old-style phone calls from this locale. So you locate the man on the other end of the blower and give him a ride to this flop. Scotty: What? Capt Kirk: (normal) Find the man on the other end of the phone, and transport him to these coordinates. (as mobster) Can do, sweetheart? Scotty: Can do, captain.
Romulan Commander: It is unworthy to a Vulcan to resort to subterfuge. Spock: You're being clever, Commander. That is unworthy of a Romulan.
(Kirk, McCoy and Scotty are in an elevator that abruptly starts to descend) Bones: Call Chekov and tell him to send my stomach down!
(Spock is sharing his brain with an alien, with whom he mind-melted) Spock: This is delightful! I know you! All of you! James Kirk, captain and friend for many years. And Leonard McCoy, haha, also of long acquaintance. And Uhura, whose name means "freedom". She walks in beauty like the night. McCoy: (to Kirk) That's not Spock! Spock: Are you surprised to find that I read Byron, doctor? McCoy: That's Spock!
(Scotty volunteers to be a test subject for Spock's improvised tranquillizer grenade) Scotty: (picks up glass of bourbon) It's to kill the pain. (empties glass) Spock: But this is painless. Scotty: (gulps) Well, you should have warned me sooner, Mr Spock. Fire away! (Spock activates the grenade, but Scotty shows no reaction to the escaping gas) McCoy: It should have worked! Did you inhale the gas, Scotty? Scotty: Aye! Deeply! McCoy: Do you still feel all right? Scotty: Never felt better!
(A war-loving alien causes the Enterprise crew to experience aggressive feelings) Spock: Take it easy, Mr Scott. Scotty: Keep your Vulcan hands off me! Just keep away! Your feelings might be hurt, you green-blooded half-breed! Spock: May I say that I have not thoroughly enjoyed serving with humans. I find their illogic and foolish emotions a constant irritant. Scotty: Then transfer out, freak!
(a nearby spacial phenomenon caused McCoy to have a sudden emotional outburst against Spock) McCoy: It must be this space, it's getting to me too, I... I know it's nothing you've done, Spock, I... I'm sorry. Spock: I understand, doctor. I'm sure the Captain would simply have said: Forget it, Bones.
(McCoy has developed a medicine for the aggressive outbursts that the crew is experiencing) Scotty: What is it? McCoy: It's a diluted theragen derivative. Spock: Theragen? A nerve gas used by the Klingons. Scotty: Aye, and deadly too! What are you thinking of, Doc, you're trying to kill us all? Spock: If I remember correctly, it caused fatality only when used in pure form. McCoy: That's right. And in this derivative, mixed with alcohol, it merely deadens certain nerve inputs to the brain. Scotty: Oh, well, any decent brand of Scotch will to that! McCoy: One good slug of this, and you could hit a man with phaser stun, and he'd never feel it, or even know it. Scotty: (drinks down the entire glass) Does it make a good mix with Scotch? McCoy: It should. Scotty: (walks away with the entire bottle) I'll let you know.
(Scotty is in love with a female scientist) Chekov: I didn't think Mr Scott would go for the brainy type. Sulu: I don't think he's even noticed she has a brain.
Capt Kirk: Well, this is an Enterprise first! Dr McCoy, Mr Spock and Engineer Scott find themselves in complete agreement! Can I stand the strain?
Spock: I've never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question.
McCoy: Saurian brandy, one hundred years old. Jim? Capt Kirk: Please. McCoy: Mr Spock, I know you won't have one. Heaven forbid those mathematically perfect brainwaves be corrupted by this all too human vice. Spock: Thank you, doctor, I will have a brandy. (Kirk and McCoy look at each other in amazement) McCoy: (to Kirk) Do you think the two of us can handle a drunk Vulcan? Once alcohol hits that green blood...
McCoy: (to Spock) You see, I feel sorrier for you than I do for him (referring to Kirk) , because you'll never know the things that love can drive a man to. The ecstasies, the miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the glorious failures and the glorious victories. All of these things you'll never know, simply because the word "love" isn't written into your book. Good night, Spock.
(Adam, a space hippie, has heard Spock play on his harp) Adam: Hey, how about a session, you and us? It would sound! That's what I came for. I wanted to ask... you know, great white captain upstairs, but he don't reach us. But, er, would he shake on a session? I mean, we wanna cooperate, like you ask, so I'm asking. Spock: If I understand you correctly, I believe the answer might be "yes".
Abraham Lincoln: There's no honorable way to kill, no gentle way to destroy. There is nothing good in war except its ending.
Capt Kirk: No more blah, blah, blah!