Some Like It Hot
Joe: (apologizing because the motor boat will only move backwards) I'm afraid it may take a little longer. Sugar: It's not how long it takes, it's who's taking you.
Sugar: Real diamonds! They must be worth their weight in gold!
Joe: (trying to get Jerry to face reality regarding his engagement to Osgood) Jerry, Jerry, will you take my advice? Forget about the whole thing, will ya? Just keep telling yourself: you're a boy, you're a boy. Jerry: I'm a boy. Joe: That's the boy. Jerry: (coming around) I'm a boy. I'm a boy. I wish I were dead. I'm a boy. Boy, oh boy, am I a boy. Now, what am I gonna do about my engagement present? Joe: What engagement present? Jerry: Osgood gave me a bracelet. Joe: (takes it and inspects the stones with Beinstock's glasses) Hey, these are real diamonds! Jerry: Of course they're real! What do you think? My fiance is a bum?
Sugar: Story of my life. I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop.
Jerry: Have I got things to tell you! Joe: What happened? Jerry: I'm engaged. Joe: Congratulations. Who's the lucky girl? Jerry: I am!
(last lines) Jerry: Oh, you don't understand, Osgood! Ehhhh... I'm a man. Osgood: Well, nobody's perfect.
Jerry: Will you look at that! Look how she moves! It's like Jell-O on springs. Must have some sort of built-in motor or something. I tell you, it's a whole different sex!
Jerry: Now you've done it! Now you have done it! Joe: Done what? Jerry: You tore off one of my chests!
Joe: But, you're *not* a girl! You're a *guy*, and, why would a guy wanna marry a guy? Jerry: Security!
Joe: There's another problem. Jerry: Like what? Joe: Like, what are you gonna do on your honeymoon? Jerry: We've been discussing that. He wants to go to the Riviera but I kinda lean towards Niagara Falls.
Sugar: Water polo? Isn't that terribly dangerous? Junior: I'll say. I had two ponies drowned under me.
Joe: We didn't see anything! Jerry: We didn't hear anything either!
Joe: (to Sugar) The ship is in ship-shape shape.
Joe: What are you worried about? This job is going to last a long time. Jerry: Well, suppose it doesn't? Joe: Jerry, boy, why do you have to paint everything so black? Suppose you got hit by a truck. Suppose the stock market crashes. Suppose Mary Pickford divorces Douglas Fairbanks. Suppose the Dodgers leave Brooklyn! Jerry: (Jerry notices the badge of an undercover agent at a nearby table) Joe... ? Joe: Suppose Lake Michigan overflows. Jerry: Well, don't look now, but the whole town is underwater!
Junior: Look, if are you interested in whether I am married or not? Sugar: Oh, I'm not interested at all. Junior: Well, I'm not. Sugar: That's very interesting!
(at the booking office, trying to be hired) Joe: What kind of a band is this, anyway? Sig Poliakoff: You gotta be under twenty-five. Jerry: We could pass for that. Sig Poliakoff: You gotta be blonde. Jerry: We could dye our hair. Sig Poliakoff: And you gotta be girls. Jerry: We could... Joe: No, we couldn't!
Sig Poliakoff: You're the wrong shape. Goodbye! Joe: What are you looking for - hunchbacks or something? Sig Poliakoff: It's not the backs that worry me.
Bouncer: (examining a golf bag) What's in here? Henchman: My golf clubs, putter, niblick, number three iron. Bouncer: (pulling out a submachine gun) what's this? Henchman: My mashie!
Sweet Sue: Idiot broads! Here we are, all packed, ready to leave for Miami, and what happens? The saxophone runs off with a Bible salesman, and the bass fiddle gets herself pregnant! Beinstock, I ought to fire you! Beinstock: Me? I'm the manager of the band, not the night watchman.
Osgood: (to the elevator operator) All right, driver, once around the park, slowly, and keep your eyes on the road.
Osgood: Right now, she (his mother) thinks I'm out there on my yacht - deep sea fishing! Daphne: Well, pull in your reel, Mr Fielding, you're barking up the wrong fish!
Jerry: We're up the creek and you want to hock the paddle!
Toothpick Charlie: Look, chief, I better blow 'cause if Columbo sees me, it's gonna be "Goodbye Charlie!" Mulligan: Goodbye, Charlie.
Jerry: (Joe used a "Cary Grant" voice when posing as a millionaire) What are you trying to do to that poor girl, putting on a millionaire act? And, where did you get that phony accent? Nobody "talks loike thet"!
Osgood: You must be quite a girl. Daphne: Wanna bet?
Mulligan: You better bring a check in case the joint is raided. Waiter: Who's gonna raid a funeral? Mulligan: Some people got no respect for the dead.
Mulligan: What happened here? Little Bonaparte: (referring to Spats and his thugs) There was something in that cake that didn't agree with them. Mulligan: My compliments to the chef. Nobody leaves this room until I get the recipe. Little Bonaparte: You wanna make a federal case of it? Mulligan: (grabs the speaker of Little Bonaparte's hearing aid) Yeah!
(first lines) Mulligan: All right, Charlie; that the joint? Toothpick Charlie: Yes, sir. Mulligan: Who runs it? Toothpick Charlie: I already told you. Mulligan: Refresh my memory. Toothpick Charlie: Spats Columbo. Mulligan: That's very refreshing; what's the password? Toothpick Charlie: "I've come to Grandma's funeral." Here's your admission card. (he gives Mulligan a mourning armband) Mulligan: Thanks, Charlie. Toothpick Charlie: Now if you want a ringside table, just tell 'em that you're one of the pallbearers. Mulligan: OK, Charlie.
Osgood: I am Osgood Fielding the third. Daphne: I'm Cinderella the second.
Jerry: Oh, why did I let you talk me into this? Joe: I thought you weren't speaking to me.
Joe: (referring to Jerry) He has an empty stomach and it's gone to his head.
Spats Colombo: Hello, copper. What brings you to Miami? Mulligan: Heard you "opera lovers" were having a convention, so I thought I'd better be around in case anybody decided to sing.
Spats Colombo: (when his speakeasy is raided) What's the rap this time? Mulligan: Embalming people with coffee - 86 proof.
Sweet Sue: Are you two from the Poliakoff agency? Joe: Yes, we're the new girls. Daphne: Brand new!
Daphne: (after meeting the all-girl band they'll be traveling with) How about that talent, huh? It's like falling into a tub of butter. Joe: Watch it, Daphne! Daphne: When I was a kid, Joe, I used to have a dream. I was locked up overnight in a pastry shop, and there was goodies all around. There was jelly rolls, and mocha eclairs, and sponge cake and Boston cream pie - Joe: Look, Stoop - Daphne: and cherry tart - Joe: Stoop, listen to me! No butter, no pastry. We're on a diet!
Sugar: I come from this musical family. My mother is a piano teacher and my father was a conductor. Joe: Where did he conduct? Sugar: On the Baltimore and Ohio.
Daphne: (after meeting the dipsomaniac Sugar) How about the shape of that liquor cabinet?
Sugar: (on marrying well) I don't care how rich he is, as long as he has a yacht, his own private railroad car, and his own toothpaste.
Osgood: You know, I've always been *fascinated* by show business. Daphne: Is that so? Osgood: Yes. As a matter of fact it's cost my family quite a bit of money. Daphne: Oh, you invest in shows? Osgood: Showgirls. I've been married seven or eight times. Daphne: You're not sure? Osgood: Mama is keeping score.
Joe: So you got pinched in the elevator, so what? Would you rather be picking lead out of your navel?
Sugar: (singing) I wanna be loved by you, just you, nobody else but you. I wanna be loved by you alo-o-one. Boop boop e doo.
Sugar: Been waiting long? Junior: (gallantly) It's not how long you wait, it's who you're waiting for!
Sugar: (on the yacht Junior's pretending he owns) Which is the port and which is the starboard? Junior: Well that depends. That depends on whether you're coming or going. I mean, *normally*, normally, the aft is on the other side of the stern. But - And that's the bridge, so you can get from one side of the boat to the other.
Sugar: (admiring a large fish trophy) What is it? Junior: It's a member of the herring family. Sugar: A herring? Isn't it amazing how they get those big fish into those little glass jars? Junior: They shrink when they're marinated.