Simon Birch
1998
Simon: I've been thinking. Joe: Yeah? Simon: Last year we were in the squirt league, and this year we're in the pewee. Joe: So? Simon: So what do they want us to do, play baseball or urinate? Anyway, I was just thinking.
Joe: Time is a monster that cannot be reasoned with
Simon: You're already a bastard. Might as well be an enlightened one.
Simon: I'm a miracle you know. Joe: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Simon: Your mother is so sexy, sometimes I forget she's someone's mother. Joe: What if I said the same thing about your mother? Simon: Then I would have to commit you.
Simon: If God's made the church bake sale a priority, we're in a lot of trouble.
Simon: What I want to do and what I do are two separate things. If we all went around doing what we wanted all the time, there'd be chaos.
Simon: Your mother is so sexy, sometimes I forget she's someone's mother. Joe: What if I said the same thing about your mother? Simon: I'd have you committed.
Joe: (narrating) I am doomed to remember a boy with a wrecked voice, not because of his voice, or because he was the smallest person I ever knew, or even because he was the instrument of my mother's death, but because he is the reason I believe in God. What faith I have, I owe to Simon Birch, the boy I grew up with in Gravedown, Maine.
Joe: I have faith. I just need proof to back it up.
Simon: I said, what does coffee and donuts have to do with God? Reverend Russell: They're merely refreshments so people can socialize and talk about up coming events. Simon: Who ever said church needs a continental breakfast?
Reverend Russell: What are you doing sitting in a corner Simon? Simon: Thinking about God. Reverend Russell: In a corner? Simon: Faith is not in a floor plan.
Joe: My balls just turned to marbles! Simon: Mine just turned to BBs!
Simon: It's the *Virgin* Mary, Eddie. What does Joseph have to do with anything?
Simon: Ahh! It's a horse!
Simon: I don't think God's plan includes breaking and entering.
Simon: I don't see how pork chops could lead to intercourse, no matter how good they are.
Simon: I look like a burn victim.
Simon: Boobs!
Miss Leavy: The Star of Bethlehem is not a piņata!
Simon: Now get over there with the other flying monkeys, where you belong.
Miss Leavy: The Virgin Mary does not chew gum.
Adult Joe Wenteworth: Ben Goodrich legally adopted me just two days before my 13th birthday. Not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for bringing him into my life. With Simon's help, I had finally found my real father.
Simon Birch: Sex makes people crazy.
Simon Birch: Thank you Miss Wenteworth. Rebecca Wenteworth: You know what Simon? Thank you.
Simon Birch: I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Adult Joe Wenteworth: When someone you love dies, you don't lose them all at once. You lose them in pieces over time, like how the mail stops coming. What I remember most to this day was my mother's scent and how I hated it when it began to disappear. First from her closets, then from her dresses she had sewn herself and then finally from her bedsheets and pillow cases. Simon and I never talked much about that day on the baseball field. It was too painful for both of us. For as much as I loved my mother, I knew that Simon loved her just as much. She was the only real mother he ever had.
Joe: Jesus, Simon, you look like shit.