Shaun: It's not that I don't wanna spend time with you, cause I do. It's just... Ed doesn't have too many friends. Ed: Can I get... any of you cunts... a drink?

Shaun: Come and get it! It's a running buffet! (shouts) All you can eat!

Ed: Any zombies out there? Shaun: Don't say that! Ed: What? Shaun: That! Ed: What? Shaun: The "zed" word. Don't say it! Ed: Why not? Shaun: Because it's ridiculous! Ed: Well... are they any? Shaun: (looking out the door mail slot, sees an empty street) I don't see any. Maybe it's not as bad as all that. Shaun: (turns his head, sees a pack of zombies) Oh, no, wait, there they are.

Ed: Hey, Shaun, look who it is! Shaun: FUCK-A-DOODLE-DO!

Ed: (after Shaun hits zombie with butt of rifle) You could have just shot him.

Shaun: (in concerned tone) Mum, have you been bitten? Barbara: No, but Philip has. Shaun: Oh, OK. Ed: (concerned) Has she been bitten? Shaun: No, Philip has. Ed: Oh, OK.

Shaun: (about Ed) He's not my boyfriend! Ed: (handing beer to Shaun) It might be a bit warm, the cooler was off. Shaun: Thanks, babe. (winks)

Shaun: Did you know that on several occasions... he touched me? (long pause as Barbara turns to look at Shaun) Shaun: That wasn't true. Shouldn't have said that.

David: I'm not staying here. Liz: David, don't, that's suicide. Ed: I think you should go.

Ed: Who died and made you fucking king of the zombies?

Ed: (pulls the car up) What's up, niggas?

Ed: Shoot the gun! Shaun: For the last time, Ed, it's not... (gun misfires) Ed: I fucking knew it!

(looking through Shaun's LPs for suitable records to throw at two approaching zombies) Ed: Purple Rain. Shaun: No. Ed: Sign o' the Times. Shaun: Definitely not. Ed: The Batman soundtrack? Shaun: Throw it.

(repeated line) Shaun: He's not my Dad, he's my stepdad!

Ed: We're coming to get you, Barbara!

Ed: Don't forget to kill Philip!

Pete: It's four in the fucking morning! Shaun: It's Saturday! Pete: No, it's not. It's fucking Sunday. And I've got to go to fucking work in four fucking hours 'cos every other fucker in my fucking department is fucking ill! Now can you see why I'm SO FUCKING ANGRY? Ed: Fuck, yeah!

Shaun: Ohh, for God's sake! He's got an arm off!

Ed: What's the plan then? Shaun: Right. (Cuts to dream sequence) We take Pete's car, we drive over to mum's, we go in, take care of Phillip - "I'm so sorry Phillip". - then we grab mum, we go over to Liz's place, hole up, have a cup of tea and wait for this whole thing to blow over. Ed: Why have we got to go to Liz's? Shaun: Because we do. Ed: But she dumped you! Shaun: I have to know if she's all right! Ed: Why? Shaun: Because I love her! Ed: All right... gayyy... I'm not staying there, though. Shaun: Why not? Ed: If we hole up, I wanna be somewhere familiar, I wanna know where the exits are, and I wanna be allowed to smoke. Shaun: Okay. (cuts to dream sequence again) We take Pete's car, go around mum's, go in, deal with Phillip - "Sorry Phillip!" - grab mum, go to Liz's, pick her up, bring her back here, have a cup of tea and wait for this whole thing to blow over. Ed: Perfect! Shaun: No, no, no, no, no, wait, we can't bring her back here. Ed: Why not? Shaun: Well, it's not really safe, is it? Ed: Yeah, look at the state of it. Shaun: Where's safe? where's familiar? Ed: Where can I smoke? (Shaun and Ed pause then slowly make a realization) Shaun: (cuts to dream sequence a third time) Take car. Go to mum's. Kill Phil - "Sorry." - grab Liz, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over. How's that for a slice of fried gold? Ed: Yeah, boyyyeee! (Shaun and Ed clang weapons together)

(after the gun fires in the pub, proving Ed correct) Shaun: Okay. But dogs CAN look up!

Shaun: They still out there? (Ed checks, revealing two zombies scratching at the window) Ed: Yeah. What you think we should do? Shaun: Have a sit down?

(On leaving the front door open) Pete: I'm not saying it was you, Shaun. Shaun: I know, man... Pete: I'm saying it was Ed.

(on Philip's Jaguar) Shaun: Philip, have you still got the child-locks on? Philip: Safety first, Shaun.

(describing the zombies) Dianne: Vacant, with a hint of sadness. Like a drunk who's lost a bet.

(trying to call the emergency services) Ed: Shaun, what's going on? Shaun: Shit, it's engaged! Ed: How about an ambulance? Shaun: It's engaged, Ed. Ed: A fire engine? Shaun: It's one number, Ed, and it's busy! Okay? What you want a fire engine for, anyway? Ed: Anything with flashing lights, you know?

Liz: It's just that with Ed here, it's no wonder I always bring my flatmates out, and then that only exacerbates things. Shaun: What you mean? Liz: Well, you guys hardly get on, do you? Shaun: No, I mean, what does "exacerbates' mean?

(a jukebox begins playing Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now" while the zombie Pub owner attacks the group) Shaun: Who the hell put this on? Ed: It's on random. Liz: For fuck's sake!

David: You still haven't met his mum? Shaun: Not yet! Dianne: Don't you get on with your mum, Shaun? Shaun: It's not that I don't get on with her... David: Are you ashamed of your mum, Shaun? Shaun: No! I love my mum! Ed: I love his mum too. Shaun: Ed! Ed: (singing) She's like butter! Shaun: Ed!

(Shaun is surprised to see that Liz has a pack of cigarettes) Liz: You left them at my place. Shaun: Yeah, in the bin! Liz: I was desperate. Shaun: Sneaky monkey...

Ed: (repeated) I got nothing.

(Ed pulls the car over after doing a couple of 360's) Ed: Whoa, mama! Shaun: Christ! What the hell do you think you're doing? Ed: Chill out. Everyone's all right. Shaun: Stop telling me to chill out!

(Shaun and Ed pull up to Barbara's house and sees Philip's Jaguar in the driveway) Ed: Oh! Hello! Who's a pretty boy, then? (wolf whistle) Ed: You didn't tell me Barbara had a Jag. I've always wanted to drive one of those. Shaun: Yeah, well, it's Philip's, okay? He won't let anybody near it. Honestly, I put off a Mars bar in the glove box once and he chased me around the garden with a bit of wood. Ed: Fuck. It's gorgeous.

Trisha Goddard: ("I Married A Zombie" sketch) Do you go to bed with it?

Ed: It's not hip-hop... it's Electro... prick. Next time I see him... he's dead.

David: We're in a pub! What're we going to do now? Ed: Get a round in?

Shaun: Kill the Queen! David: What? Shaun: The jukebox!

(Shaun is channel hopping) (Channel 4 News) Krishnan Guru-Murthy: Though no one official is prepared to comment, religious groups are calling it Judgement Day. There's... (VH1, playing "Panic" by The Smiths) Morrissey: - Panic on the streets of London... (ITV News) Newsreader: - as an increasing number of reports of... (Football) Commentator: - serious attacks on... (Five News) Newsreader: - people, who are literally being... (Nature documentary, leopards eating a gazelle) Narrator: - eaten alive. (Sky News) Jeremy Thompson: Witnesses' reports at best are sketchy, but one unifying detail seems to be that the attackers in many instances appear to be... (T4) Vernon Kaye: - dead excited to have with us here a sensational chart topping...

Ed: Big Al says so. Shaun: Yeah, but Big Al says dogs can't look up!

Barbara: It's been a funny sort of day, hasn't it?

(repeated line) Various: You've got red on you.

Liz: You, hang out with my friends? A failed actress and a twat? Shaun: Well, that's a bit harsh. Liz: Your words, Shaun! Shaun: I did NOT call Diane a failed actress!

Shaun: Pete? Pete? Ed: Why can't we go up there? Shaun: Because A, he might be one of them, and B, he might still be annoyed. Shaun: Pete? Ed: OI, PRICK! (There is a pause) Shaun, Ed: (together) He's not in.

(Shaun and Ed back up to the body of a man they've just hit and Shaun rolls down his window) Shaun: Excuse me... are you all right? Hello? Ed: Aw, come on, why can't we just go? Shaun: I've got to be sure of something. Ed: He's going to be dead either way! Shaun: That's not the point, Ed! Excuse me... are you all right? (the body rises and moans, zombified, at Shaun and Ed) Shaun: Oh, well, thank God for that.

Ed: Cock it!

David: You still haven't met his mum? Shaun: Not yet! Dianne: Don't you get on with your mum, Shaun? Shaun: Yes! What... David: Are you ashamed of your mum, Shaun? Shaun: No! I love my mum! Ed: I love his mum too Shaun: Ed... Ed: She's like butter!

(after Shaun gets shouted at by Liz) David: Basically, I'd say your nine lives are up, Shaun Shaun: Get fucked, four eyes! Why don't you go out with her if you love her so much? (storms off) David: Well, I don't know what he meant by that. (uncomfortable silence)

Shaun: As Mr Sloan always says, there is no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in pie. And there's an "I" in meat pie. Meat is the anagram of team... I don't know what he was talking about.

Shaun: If you get cornered... (hits himself on head with cricket bat) Shaun: ... bash 'em in the head, that seems to work. Ow.

Shaun: Mum, look, what would you say if I told you that over the years Philip's been quite unkind to me? Barbara: Well you weren't always the easiest person to live with Shaun: Mum, he chased me around the garden with a bit of wood! Barbara: Well you did call him a you-know-what! Shaun: Oh, what, did he tell you that? Barbara: Yes he did. Shaun: Mother fucker! Barbara: Shaun! Shaun: Sorry mother!... mum!

Barbara: My, how you've grown! Ed: Yeah, you'd better believe it.

Liz: Well... is it clear? Shaun: No. Liz: How many? Shaun: Lots. (pan up to show a horde of zombies behind the fence)

(after Phillip has been bitten) Philip: You didn't call the doctor, did you? Barbara: Well, I thought we ought to be on the safe side. Philip: I'm quite all right, Barbara, I ran it under a cold tap. Barbara: I really think... Philip: We had our jabs when we went to the Isle of Wight. It's a bunch of overblown nonsense, a bunch of drug nuts running wild.

(before killing Pete, who's attacking Ed) Shaun: I said, "Leave him alone!"

Shaun: You're the one that's gone from being a chartered accountant to Charlton Heston! David: I'm not a chartered accountant! Shaun: Well, you look like one! Ed: YEAH! David: I'm a lecturer. Shaun: You're a twat! Ed: YEAH!

Ed: Do you want your messages? Shaun: What? Ed: Well, your mum rang about you going around tomorrow night, and then Liz rang about the two of you eating out tonight, and then your mum rang back to see if I wanted to eat her out tonight. Shaun: *What*?

(Repeated exchange) Yvonne: Shaun! How are you doing? Shaun: Surviving.

(first lines) John: Last orders, please!

(last lines) Game console: Player two has entered the game. (Ed tries to bite Shaun) Shaun: Ed! Ed: (groans)

Videogame voice: (as Shaun sits down next to Ed who's playing a videogame and presses a button on the joypad) Player 2 has entered the game. Ed: Don't you have work? Videogame voice: (Shaun presses a button again and gets up) Player 2 has left the game.

Shaun: Would anyone like... a peanut?

Dianne: Daffs is always taking me to see these little buildings, and I'm always dragging him to the theatre.

Shaun: All right, I've got a car outside, but it's going to be a bit cramped, so has anyone got transport? Dianne: Yes, yes! Shaun: Great, where? Dianne: Oh? No, well I passed my test.

Ed: (while disguised as a zombie, his phone rings) (others look horrified) Two seconds! (he chats on his phone until Shaun knocks it out of his hand) Oi! What are you doing? Shaun: (shouts) What am I doing? What are you doing, you stupid moron? Ed: Fuck off! Shaun: (shouts) You fuck off! Fuck fucking off! I've spent my whole life sticking my neck out for you and all you ever do is fuck things up! Fuck things up and make me look stupid! Well, I'm not going to let it happen any more. OK? Not today! Liz: Shaun! Shaun: What? (sees the hundreds of zombies staring at them) Oh.

(repeated line) Ed: Two seconds!

Ed: (after him and shawn leave the pub, and see two people necking) Hey, luv! (calls to woman) Haven't had your tea yet? (as him and Shawn turn away laughing, man's head falls off his shoulders)

Shaun: (looking behind Ed's shoulder at the old lady in the pub) All right, what about her, then? Ed: (looking back at her, then to Shaun) Ooooooh... Cockacidal maniac. Ex-porn star. She's done it all. They say she starred in the world's first interracial hardcore loop... (moves his hands to indicate sex) 'Café au lait... ' (points at Shaun) 'pour vous!'

Shaun: (to a girl in the garden) Excuse me? (no response) Excuse me? (no response) Hellew? (no response) Ed: (picks up a pebble and throws it off her back) Oi! (girl turns round, a zombie) Shaun: Oh, my God! She's so drunk!

Ed: I'm sorry, Shaun. Shaun: It's OK. Ed: No, I'm *sorry*, Shaun. Shaun: What? (smells Ed's fart) Oh, God, that's rotten! Ed: I'll stop doing them when you stop laughing! Shaun: I'm not laughing!

Shaun: I do not find it hard to keep my social life and my work life separate. Worker: Shaun, it's Liz for you. (hands him the phone)

Shaun: (getting ready to go to Mum's) I gotta do a wee first.

Liz: Goodbye, Ed. Love you. Ed: Cheers! Shaun: I love you too, Ed. Ed: Gaaayy!

Ed: See? You don't need Liz to have a good time. Shaun: Oh, don't, man. Ed: No! Go ahead, look at me. Can I just say one more thing? I'm not gonna say, you know, there's plenty more fish in the sea. I'm not going to say if you love her, let her go. And I'm not going to bombard you with clichés. But what I will say is this? (chuckling) It's not the end of the world.

Yvonne: (repeated Line) Omigod! Shaun!

Shaun: As Bertrand Russell once said, 'The only thing that will redeem mankind is cooperation.' I think we can all appreciate the relevance of that now. Liz: Was that on a beer mat? Shaun: Yeah, it was Guinness Extra Cold. Liz: I won't say anything. Shaun: Thanks.

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