Shanghai Knights
2003
Roy: This country blows.
Roy: (at Scotland Yard) This isn't a yard! It's a JAIL!
(Lin slaps Chon Wang) Chon Wang: I just saved you! Chon Lin: You were late!
Roy: Hey you lost one war this way don't make the same mistake twice.
(why Chon should sleep with the woman for money) Roy: Think about your sister in London. Chon Wang: What?
Roy: That's a terrible name for a detective. Sherlock Holmes?
Roy: Just break it open! Chon Wang: No. I have to have patience, and when I open it, I'll be ready to read the message. Roy: Oh, c'mon, Confucius, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!
Roy: I thought of title for a new book: "Roy O'Bannon vs. Little Lord Sissy". Or how about: "Ray O'Bannon versus the Man who would be Queen"?
Roy: I call that my kung pow chicken.
Roy: (In London) What's wrong with these people, their driving on the wrong side of the road... Bunch of amateurs!
Chon Wang: Who loves you, baby?
Roy: I'm gettin' ready to launch a little thing called operation sweep her off her feet.
Roy: (to Chon Lin) You have a GREAT body. There! I said it! It's out in the open!
Chon Wang: You know what I call him? Not Roy O'Bannon. Roy O'Boloney!
Roy: Ooooh... You think you're so cool with your karate... and your child-like reflexes!
Roy: Look at you! Chon Wang: Look at you! Roy: What brings you to New York? Chon Wang: My share of the gold. Roy: Refresh my memory. What gold are we talking about?
Chon Wang: We are wasting time. Roy: What do you think I've been doing? Sittin' here and drinking expensive hooch?
Chon Wang: I look like a fool. Roy: What? You're a Maharajah! That's Indian royalty! Chon Wang: But I'm Chinese. Roy: It's the same thing.
Chon Wang: I think he's offering you food. Roy: Oh! Spotted Dick! Oh no, I think I'll pass. I'm not really a dessert man.
Roy: That's what I love about China. Everyone's job description is so damn cool!
Roy: And just to set the record straight... Roy O'Bannon is not attracted to loose women; loose women are attracted to me.
Roy: I see a lot of myself in that kid. It's kinda freakin' me out.
Chon Wang: Wu Chow! Roy: Wu who?
Roy: I'm a thirty year old waiter/gigolo. Where's the future in that?
Chon Wang: For father. Chon Lin: For father. Roy: For Old Man Wang.
Roy: Just be glad I didn't invest the gold in that automobile industry. Like that will ever be big.
Chon Wang: (wants Roy to climb to an opening in the ceiling) Come on Roy Roy: This isn't Chinatown. I can't just slide through the air. Chon Wang: Roy, hurry Roy: What in our history together makes you think I'm capable of something like that?
Chon Wang: If you break her heart, I break your legs. Roy: That's fair.
Roy: There's this new venture in California: moving pictures. They're silent so we won't have to worry about the language problem but I think people would really go for that action stuff. Chon Wang: Chon Wang (sounds like "John Wayne") movie star. It could work.
Roy: I'm am not gonna die hanging from a clock. Oh look, I can see our hotel from here.
Roy: (about Lin) Put her down! Put her down! Lord Rathbone: Or what, Mr O'Bannon? Are you going to kick my ass? I've read about all your ridiculous exploits. Just, how did it feel to kill a mummy with your bare hands? Only a nation of uneducated rednecks would be amused by such cowboy drivel. Roy: Woah, woah, woah. Easy. What's with the personal attacks? You don't see me making any comments about your pasty complection or your snotty accent, or even your filthy, smutty sex books! Yeah, I saw the book. It disgusted me. Roy: (is hit in the head) Roy: OW! Why is it always the head with you people?
Roy: You decadent Philistine!
Roy: I'm guessing by your hasty retreat, that you're still 20th in line for the throne. Lord Rathbone: (irritated) 10th!
Lord Rathbone: (repeated line) One more.
Roy: (after waking up to a sheep licking his face) I've just been violated by a barnyard animal, John!
Chon Lin: (after kissing Roy) Be careful. Roy: Tell Rathbone to be careful!
Chon Lin: Once, I sent him over the Great Wall. He was lost for three days!
Roy: This is your first time in England, isn't it? How do you know your way around? It's incredible. Chon Lin: I always had a good sense of direction. Roy: You can say that again. I wish we could say the same about you-know-who. I once sent him over a mountain range, he was lost forever. Chon Lin: One time I sent him over the great wall. He was lost for three days!
Server: Spotted dick, sir? Roy: What? Server: Spotted dick? Roy: Can you believe this guy? I'm trying to get something to eat and he's asking me if I got the clap.
Chon Wang: What do you see? Roy: He just pulled a fancy dragon key out of his desk. Chon Wang: That was my father's! I must avenge his honor. Roy: Slow down, Tiger. Slow down. Quit going all Chinese on me.
Roy: Damnit, Chon. Remember your puzzle box. Patience, patience!
Chon Wang: Roy! The painting! It's looking at me! Roy: Oh yeah, it looks like it's looking at me too. That's great.
(Roy sees the eyes in the painting move) Roy: Ah! Chon! Demons!
Roy: She's gonna fight my battles for me.
Roy: Wait, there's something different about this room.
Roy: I'm a bat out of hell! Besides, I don't know where the brake is.
Lord Rathbone: Perhaps you could explain to me how Looney Lin managed to escape from the confines of Scotland Yard under the watch of the most respected police force in the world. Doyle: Yes, of course, it's absolutely fascinating. She picked the lock using a deck of rather risqué playing cards. Then scaled the walls with a mop, a fork, and various pilfered undergarments. I've got to hand it to the Chinese, they're awfully ingenious, Lord, aren't they? Lord Rathbone: Does your incompetence know no bounds?
Roy: Can I tell you something? Chon Wang: What? Roy: This is a hell of a damn adventure we're on and I'm having an absolute ball with you.
Chon Wang: Roy! There you are. Need anything, buddy? Roy: A whole lot of "leave me alone."
Roy: You just smashed my puzzle box. I'll never figure out my message.
Roy: Chon, I have a confession to make. Chon Wang: You are in love with my sister? Roy: Well, that, but I didn't lose all the money on the zeppelins. Chon Wang: No? Roy: Nah. I blew most of it on the Roy O'Bannon novels. I wrote them. Chon Wang: No, Sage McCallister wrote them. Roy: That's what I'm saying, buddy. I'm Sage McCallister. Chon Wang: You wrote those lies? Roy: I've always had low self-esteem. Chon Wang: How many books did you print? Roy: I self-published probably a million copies. We were actually second to the Bible that year.
Doyle: You look ridiculous. Roy: I think we look good.
(to Charlie) Roy: I am gonna break your neck.
Roy: So what are we gonna do? Come on, think! I'm not going to an English prison. With my feathery blond hair and Chon's athletic build, they'll try to make us the bell of the ball.
Doyle: It's hopeless. We'll never get past the guards. Roy: Well, not with that attitude, we won't.
Roy: Lord, help me. Just let me know you're there. Love me, hate me, but let me know you're up there. (pause) Roy: Hey, I can see our hotel from here. Wow.
Roy: Roy, you're about to die. You're on the minute hand of a clock. My life is flashing before my eyes. Wait a minute. I don't remember her.
(after opening the puzzle box) Roy: It's just a rock with some gibberish on it! Chon Wang: It's Chinese!
Roy: Well, what's in it for you? Lord Rathbone: Your looking at the future king of England. Roy: You're, like, 20th line to the throne. Lord Rathbone: 10th. But my friend here is about to change all that.
Doyle: (to Nelson) No matter how far you are from the throne, you'll always be number one in our hearts.
Lord Rathbone: Does your incompetence know no bounds?
Charlie Chaplin: I'm just lookin' out for number one.
Jack the Ripper: Nice night for a walk. (Attack Chon Lin with a sword, she throws him off the bridge) Chon Lin: Fucking loser!
Roy: (Seeing the Imperial Seal) That diamond is as big as a damn monkey's paw. Chon Wang: Roy, don't even think about it. Roy: Just admiring the craftsmanship, Chon.
Roy: You got any ideas? (looks down) Chon Wang: We jump. Roy: Jump? (pauses) Roy: You mean fall?
Chon Wang: Who would leave a pile of stones in the middle of a field? Roy: I don't know, Chon, these people are nuts.
Chon Wang: Roy come on!
Roy: Lord Rathboner!
Roy: Roy O'Bannon will not go down quietly. You hear that, England? Throw anything you've got at me! Your lousy weather! Your perverted killers! Your Spotted Dick!
(last lines) (workers are repairing Big Ben) Worker: Bloody tourists!
(first lines) Chon Wang's Father: You are not permitted to gaze at the Imperial Seal.
(last lines in outtakes) Chon Wang: Roy! Roy! My ass is on fire.
Roy: I thought the food here was supposed to suck!
Roy: Why did you let us out? Charlie Chaplin: Why did you give up the seal? Roy: Because I'm a fool. Charlie Chaplin: I guess I'm a fool, too.
Roy: Just go on and drown me! I don't care anymore!
Roy: (Wang is trying to save Roy who is tied up under water. All we can hear are there garbled voices. Subtitles appear on screen) . Where have you been? Chon Wang: I was busy Roy: Unbelievable! Chon Wang: Patience, Roy. Roy: Tell that to the eel swimming up my ass.
Prostitute: (trying to woo Roy) I'll give you a discount. Roy: That's the most romantic thing a woman has ever said to me.
Roy: (to Charlie) Ever heard of parents? We have parents who love us. You don't, 'cause you're an orphan
Roy: (to a palace guard) The queen, look, the queen! She's mooning us!
Roy: (line in outtakes) And, Jackie? I'm not Roy O'Bannon.
Roy: We come from America. You might have heard of it? We run your jerkwatter country.
Roy: Artie, Lin is not a killer. She's just a really, really, really hot, confused, Chinese girl.
Roy: Ok, Chon, ya little Chinese otter. Let's play.